A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness Book 2)

by Ivy Smoak

  Jerrod came in to take our order. I looked back down at the menu. I scanned the options for something that wouldn't get stuck in my teeth. James reached his hand out and grabbed mine again.

  "Penny, the crab cakes are wonderful here."

  I breathed a sigh of relief. He truly did know me. I loved crab cakes. I smiled, relieved that I didn't have to choose. "That sounds perfect."

  James ordered for us. When Jerrod left the room, James put his elbows on the table and leaned in slightly. "When we're together, I can assure you that I don't see anyone else in the room. You always have my undivided attention."

  "That must have made grading other student's speeches quite difficult." I wasn’t sure what made me say it. But it seemed like it would be true. I still didn’t understand how I could have possibly dated a professor. It seemed outlandish.

  James laughed. "It did. It was almost impossible."

  His words should have comforted me, but all I seemed to be able to focus on was when he had said, "when we're together." I was reminded of his ex-wife. His pumpkin. He was clearly talking to her this morning. He still loved her. I could feel it. I didn’t have his undivided attention. And I didn’t understand why he was lying. I was giving him an out. Why was he fighting for us if I wasn’t even the one that he wanted?

  James reached in his pocket, pulled out a penny, and slid it across the table. "A penny for your thoughts?"

  I laughed. “Very funny.” I said it sarcastically, but I was still smiling. This was why we were here. To talk about what we wanted. “Austin didn’t believe in labels. I’m used to not being put first. You say all these things like I have your undivided attention...” I let my voice trail off. I had no right to be questioning him. But I couldn’t seem to stop. “But I know you’re seeing someone else. Your conversation after our dinner the other night? Whoever you were talking to this morning? You’re in love with someone else. Why are you pursuing me? I’m giving you an out. You can go back to your ex-wife if that’s what you really want. It’s okay.”

  He looked down at our intertwined fingers. “You’re worried about my ex-wife?”

  “I’m not worried about her at all.” Well, maybe a little. “I just think maybe you’re still in love with her.”

  “I never loved her.” He locked eyes with me. “I already told you that.”

  “And yet…the phone calls. It’s obvious that you still care for her.”

  “Penny, there is no other woman in my life.”

  “You don’t have to lie.”

  “I’m not lying. I’ll prove it.” He pulled out his phone. He showed me the screen as he clicked on Rob’s name and put it on speaker phone.

  “Hey, you on your way back yet?” Rob asked.

  “Hey, pumpkin,” James said and then awkwardly cleared his throat. “Not yet, but we’ll be heading back soon.”

  Rob laughed. “Um…okay, honey muffin. Cutie pie. Buttercup. Snickerdoodle. I could go on. But why exactly are we doing this?”

  “Because we always call each other cute names,” James said. “You know. Since forever.” There was an edge in his voice.

  “Whatever you say, sugar buns.”

  “Okay, I’m going to go now,” James said. “See you in a bit.”

  “Later, Cuddles. Crap, I ran out of good ones.”

  “Bye…pumpkin.” James ended the call and slid his phone back into his pocket.

  I just stared at him.

  “See,” he said.

  “See what? That was the most awkward conversation in the world.”

  He shook his head. “Nope. That was normal. It’s just what Rob and I do.”

  “I can tell that you’re lying. That whole thing was just bizarre. It proved my point, if anything. He had no idea why you were calling him pumpkin. Just admit that you’re still in love with your ex-wife and let’s call it a day.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Yes you are.”

  He lowered both his eyebrows as he stared at me.

  “Is it so hard to tell me the truth?”

  He exhaled slowly. “My ex-wife is dead, Penny.”

  God, his life was a disaster. So much hurt and I just kept stabbing him. Figuratively, of course. I felt like a monster. “You’re a widower?”

  He shook his head. “No. She died after we were divorced. Actually, it was shortly after you and I got married.”

  “Oh.” Oh? What kind of reaction was that? I was supposed to say sorry for your loss. Or something heartfelt. But if he was telling the truth, he didn’t love her. Surely he cared that she died though? “What happened?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does to me.” I stared at him, willing him to tell me his story. I wanted to know everything about him, yet nothing at all.

  He sighed and broke his eye contact with me. “She tried to have me killed.”

  “On our wedding night?” I knew that he had been shot on our wedding night, but I didn’t know the story. His ex-wife? Seriously? That was insane.

  “She was a monster.”

  I bit the inside of my lip. I had just thought of myself as a monster. Was I the same as his ex-wife? I shook away the thought. I had never tried to kill anyone. I was just tiptoeing around breaking James’ heart.

  “And when she didn’t succeed, she came after you. Briggs shot and killed her when she attacked us again.”

  I swallowed hard. Apparently my life was always in danger when I was with him. “So you’re not cheating on me?” I didn’t even know why those words spilled out. Maybe it was the wine. But maybe I truly wanted to know how strong our relationship was.

  “Penny, I would never, ever cheat on you. You’re my whole world. I swear to you, I have always been faithful. I’ve never ever thought about cheating on you. All I ever think about is you. You’re it for me. As soon as I met you, my heart was yours.”

  He was staring at me so intently I felt like I was going to combust. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to do it, but I reached my foot out and rubbed it against his shin. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to taste him. I wanted to see every inch of him. Fuck, what am I doing? I was about to move away when James reached under the table and put his hand on my thigh.

  His touch made me feel numb, yet set my whole body on fire at the same time. God, he owned me. I didn’t remember a thing about him, but his touch possessed me. My body remembered him, even though my mind didn’t.

  I swallowed hard. “James.” I stared at him. “I don’t…I’ve never…” This wasn’t coming out right. My mind was screaming at me to excuse myself to the restroom to try and clear my head. But I couldn’t deny the fact that my body desperately wanted him. I wanted to beg him to make love to me. I wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted him to ruin me for anyone else.

  But Jerrod killed the moment. He walked in with the food and I immediately removed my foot. I retreated back to my side of the table like it had never happened. It was like I had closed a curtain on the idea of us being intimate. And I hated myself for it. Because my dream of him? I wanted to live each second of it.

  Chapter 22

  Sunday

  I took a bite of the crab cakes before Jerrod even left the room. "This is amazing." I had completely forgotten the heated moment we had shared. I took another bite of the crab cake.

  "You’ve never what?" James asked.

  I finished chewing. "Nothing.” I had a moment of weakness. I just wanted to enjoy my meal, not talk about the fact that I had never been in love before.

  “You can tell me.” He wasn’t eating, he was just staring at me, holding his empty fork in the air.

  I took another bite to stall. He had no idea how hard this was for me. But what did it matter if I told him the truth? “I’ve never been in love,” I blurted out. “I mean, no one’s ever made love to me.” What the actual fuck?

  His fork clattered against his plate as it fell.

  “I mean…God, I don’t know what I mean.”

  “Believe me wh
en I tell you that I’ve made love to you, Penny. Countless times. In every possible way.”

  I was pretty sure my whole face was red.

  “It kills me that you don’t remember. All I want to do is remind you.”

  He was making me wet with just his words. I remembered him pressed against me in my dream. I remembered running my fingers through his hair. It was like I had actually felt his lips grazing the side of my neck. And like I truly knew what it was like for him to whisper dirty things into my ear. “Why haven’t you?” My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage. “You haven’t even kissed me.”

  His eyes lowered to my lips again. “Trust me, I’ve wanted to. It’s all I can think about.”

  I felt my face begin to flush. I hoped he thought it was because of the fire. I had been wondering if sex was at all on his mind. He said he had made love to me countless times. In every way imaginable. I still barely knew him, but I knew a part of me wanted him. I had no doubt that it would be the best sex of my life. It wouldn’t even be comparable to anything I had with Austin. Austin was like a jackrabbit. He always finished in just a few minutes. I didn't even know what an orgasm felt like. But maybe I was about to.

  There was just one problem. I had no idea how to get what I wanted. Zero experience in asking. Austin always just…took. And took. And took. He gave me nothing in return. I knew I deserved better. I just didn’t know what better was. I stared at James. Maybe better was sitting right in front of me. Perfection in human form. My eyes dropped to the neckline of his dress shirt. I’d seen a glimpse of his abs of steel a couple nights ago, a perfect match to the rest of his hard features. But I wanted to see more of him. Why was I fighting this? There was no better fantasy than him.

  “What do you want, Penny?”

  I watched his Adam’s apple rise and then fall. Was this love? I didn’t know. Maybe it would be someday. But today? He knew me, but I didn’t know him. It was like he was waiting for me to say something. I just had no idea what. I wanted him to kiss me. To hold me. To tell me everything was going to be okay. But I wasn’t sure if that was what he was offering.

  “I don’t know…” my voice trailed off. “What did we do here on our first date?” Maybe he could recreate the whole thing for me. I wanted to remember now. I wanted to wake up and know who I was again.

  His chest rose and fell but I didn’t hear a sigh. “We talked,” he said.

  “That’s it?” I felt as naïve as the 19 year old I thought I was. I kind of thought he was going to say he banged me in front of the fire.

  He leaned back in his chair, a memory taking over his mind. “The taste of you was better than any dessert they serve here.”

  Oh my God. I melted into my chair.

  “And I fell harder for you in a few hours than I had ever fallen for anyone else in my entire life.”

  “I guess the sex was good then?” I was startled by my own words. I grabbed my wine glass and took a huge sip.

  He laughed. “Stars in your eyes good. But we have always had more than just a physical connection, Penny. I can be patient when I need to be. And I know you’re not ready, despite how badly I wish you were.”

  That was a subtle way to turn me down. I took another sip of wine and lowered my voice. “Did we have sex in this room?”

  Again his Adam’s apple rose and fell. The action made me cross my legs under the table. So fucking sexy.

  “It depends on your definition of sex.” His voice was husky. He wanted me again. Maybe as much as I wanted him.

  I thought his Adam’s apple was sexy. But his voice? Kill me now. I could barely even focus on what he was saying. “What exactly is your definition of sex?”

  Jerrod found that moment appropriate to walk in carrying two dessert menus. "Are either of you interested in dessert this evening?" He placed the menus down in front of us.

  “I’ve heard the dessert here isn’t very good,” I said.

  James laughed.

  But Jerrod frowned. “Mrs. Hunter, you love the chocolate lava cake. It’s the best in town.”

  Do I? Hmm. “Actually, that does sound pretty good. Do you want to share a slice?” I asked James.

  “That sounds perfect,” James said. “We’ll split one chocolate lava cake.”

  “Very good, sir.” Jerrod collected the menus and walked back out of the room, leaving us in silence.

  I couldn’t get James’ words out of my head. He thought I tasted better than any dessert here. Had he actually just meant a kiss? Or did he mean something else? I could actually feel the silence as it settled around us. I wanted to break through the awkwardness. I wanted to taste him. But I had no idea what to say.

  “Do you want some fresh air?” James asked.

  It was like he had handed me a get out of jail free card. “Yes.” I tried not to sound too excited. “That sounds perfect.” I didn't know exactly what he had in mind, but I grabbed his hand and let him pull me to my feet. It was easy to follow him, like I had done it countless times before. He kept my hand in his as he led me out of the private dining room. It seemed like everyone in the restaurant turned to look at him again as we walked through. He squeezed my hand and smiled down at me. God was he sexy. I found myself thinking I would follow him anywhere.

  We exited the restaurant in the back and stepped onto a huge terrace. Even though it was summer, the dusk had brought a chill. There were only a few people standing by a fire with glasses in their hands, enjoying an after dinner drink. James escorted me past them and we made our way down a set of stairs. His strides were longer than mine and it was hard to keep pace with him. If I walked any faster I'd be jogging.

  We reached a row of golf carts. He leaned in and turned the key. "This will do." He smiled at me.

  "Are we allowed to use those? We're going to get in trouble." I looked both ways, waiting for someone to stop us.

  James laughed and got behind the wheel. "Get in."

  Of course he could use them. He could do whatever he wanted here. He owned the place. I climbed in next to him and as soon as my butt hit the seat he pressed down on the gas pedal. He stuck to the small paths and wooden bridges on the course for awhile and then veered off into the grass. We rolled up next to a small waterfall and he cut the engine. Lightning bugs flittered in the darkening sky around us. It felt like I was in a dream. And even though we were surrounded by fresh grass and beautiful flowers, all I could smell was his sweet cologne. Every inch of me felt alive when I was next to him.

  I got out of the cart and walked over toward the little waterfall. The water splashing against the rocks was surprisingly loud. I saw James’ reflection in the rippling water as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I stopped breathing as he moved my hair to one side and kissed the back of my neck. My whole body tensed. It was exactly what I wanted him to do when he had zippered my dress. His lips felt better than his fingers. Oh my God, he wants me right here. In the middle of the golf course. Fuck this is hot. Why do I think this is so hot?

  “I’m sorry.” His lips were off of me almost as soon as they had landed against my skin. He took a step back from me, like he was appalled by himself.

  I could barely control my rapid breathing. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “No,” he said more seriously. “I’m supposed to be taking things slowly and I…” his voice trailed off. “I’m sorry.” He started staring at the waterfall instead of me.

  I wanted him to wrap his arms around me again. I wanted him to kiss my neck. I wanted all of it. But he didn’t feel the same way. I blinked fast, removing the tears from my eyes. “That’s okay. Really.” I turned away from him. There was a weeping willow close by. How appropriate. It seemed like a good place to hide away before I let my emotions take over. I walked over to it as fast as I could.

  “Penny!”

  I kept walking until I was hidden in the darkness of its branches. I hunched over and let the tears fall. Why
was I crying? I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my sobs. So what if he didn’t want me? I didn’t even know if I wanted him. God, that was a lie. He was sexy and handsome and thoughtful. I wanted him. He just didn’t want me back. How had this day turned everything upside down?

  “Penny.”

  I stood up, trying to hide my tears. I wiped them away just in time.

  "Oh, Penny." He cupped my chin in his hands and lifted my face so that I'd be looking at him.

  My tears were gone, but he still saw me. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying. Isn’t that what you wanted? I’m…”

  “You’re not doing anything wrong.” He traced his thumb beneath my eyes.

  “Then why won’t you kiss me?” I hated how distressed I sounded. I hated how the page had turned and I was the one that desperately wanted him.

  “You think I don’t want to kiss you?” His hand slid to the side of my neck.

  I stopped breathing as his fingers traced my clavicle.

  He leaned forward, his lips brushing against my earlobe. “You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you. But this wasn’t where we had our first kiss.”

  “It could be our first kiss…now.”

  He pressed his forehead against mine. “I’m going to do this right. Because I need you to remember. I need you to remember everything.”

  I breathed in his exhales. This had to be what love was. I wanted to tilt my face up to his so that our lips would touch, but I resisted. He didn’t want to kiss me like this. Had something else happened on this golf course? He had to restrain himself near the waterfall. I breathed in another of his exhales. “What did we do out here?” But I knew the answer. I didn’t have that much experience with men, but his body language all pointed to one thing.

  He leaned forward slightly, pushing my back against the tree behind me. I swallowed hard.

  “It’s more a question of what didn’t we do.”