by Ivy Smoak
There was a small desk in the corner. A notebook was sitting on top of the desk, but I wasn’t sure if it was mine. It said Ivy Smoak on the front and there was an outline of sorts. It did look like my handwriting. A pen name, perhaps? Why would I want a pen name? I had never disliked my name. But I had a different name now. Penny Hunter. It was going to take me a lifetime to get used to it. Hunter. Mrs. Hunter. God, it didn’t even sound good. I sat down in the office chair.
There wasn’t much left on the desk. Just a sleek laptop and a few pens and pencils. I glanced in the waste bin next to the desk. There was an envelope torn in two with James’ name on it along with a few crumpled up pieces of paper. It looked like my handwriting on the envelope. I glanced at the door, knowing well enough that no one else was awake, before lifting the torn envelope and the pieces of paper out of the trash.
I put the two sides of the envelope together. Definitely my handwriting. I un-crumpled the pieces of paper and realized it used to be one sheet. I placed both sides together and read the letter.
James,
If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.
You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.
Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.
All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.
Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.
Now smile,
Penny
Smile? Seriously? I realized my hands were shaking as I smoothed the two sides of the note against the top of the desk. What had I been thinking?
I folded the letter in half to hide the words. Clearly I hadn’t been thinking. This was a suicide note, wasn’t it? And it seemed like James had seen it. His name had been on the envelope. He saw it and tried to destroy it. He didn’t want me to see just how depressed I had been.
I thought about the conversation I had overheard between James and Rob a few days ago. He said he used to catch me crying and I’d wipe away the tears and pretend I was okay. He admitted that I wasn’t happy. I looked down at the note. But this unhappy?
Or maybe there was another explanation. If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I shook my head. The whole thing was about death. I was saying goodbye. Why? I looked around the library. What was so awful about this life?
This version of me was married to a handsome man, had an adorable daughter, and another kid on the way. I had written a book. I was wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. So what was so horrid? What was I missing?
Because my current life seemed worse. I had no memory of the life around me. I had a son who was dying. I’d never have any more kids. I took a deep breath. Penny Hunter was a lot better off than Penny Taylor. She had it all. But I was terrified to remember. Not just because it meant giving up my current state of mind, but because it might spiral me into a horrible depression.
I folded up the letter again. And again. Until it was a tiny piece of paper in my hand. James tried to hide parts of my life from me. So what else was he hiding besides the children? What other secrets was he keeping?
I stood up from the chair. I didn’t care that it was early. We needed to talk. I needed to understand everything if had any chance of fixing this. I wandered out of the library and down the hall to the guest room he was sleeping in.
“James,” I said and tapped lightly with my knuckles.
No answer.
“James?” I knocked again.
No answer.
I heard whistling down the hall. It didn’t sound like him. It sounded more like a woman. I abandoned the door and wandered back into the living room. An older woman was standing in front of the couch fluffing pillows and humming.
I glanced at the camera in the corner of the room. Please be watching. “Hello?”
The woman jumped. “Oh, Penny. You gave me a fright, dear. How are you feeling? I made you your favorite breakfast. And I saw that you did a load of towels. You know I would have done that for you. Really, you should be sitting down.” She stepped away from the couch.
“Who are you?” I tried my best for it to not come out rude. She seemed pleasant enough. She reminded me of my mother. But I had no idea what she was doing in James’ apartment.
She put her hand to her chest. “Ellen. Oh, my. James warned me of this but…” she shook her head like she was trying to shake the tears away. “It’s hard to believe without seeing you in person. Please sit. I’ll bring your breakfast to you. You need rest. And fluids. Plenty of fluids.” She bustled off toward the kitchen.
Ellen? Who the heck was Ellen? It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Before I even realized what was happening, I was sitting on the couch with a huge omelet and freshly squeezed orange juice in front of me. I didn’t know what to say. I had already asked her who she was and her explanation hadn’t helped at all. “Um…where is James?”
“He’s used to going for a run every morning. So he’s been…” her voice trailed off. “You can ask him yourself when he gets back. He’ll be home shortly. Aren’t you hungry, dear?”
That was weird. But it wasn’t worth asking her about it. There was no way she’d tell me what he was doing instead of running. Everyone loved keeping me in the dark. And she asked me if I was hungry in a terrible segue for a reason. I looked down at the omelet. Honestly, I was a little hungry. But I was a little more suspicious. “So…what is it that you do?”
She smiled and sat down next to me. “You know, the little things to help make everything run smoothly here. I cook and clean. And I take little Scarlett off your hands whenever I get a chance. We go to the park all the time. She loves the park. And especially the zoo. She’s an adorable little girl. Just an absolute pleasure. Oh my, I feel like I’m going on and on. I don’t need to tell you about Scarlett, you already know all that.” She cleared her throat. “I mean, you will soon. You’ll remember. I know you will. You must. Now eat up. You need your strength.”
This woman was the adorable one. Not Scarlett. Scarlett leered at me. Ellen was simply wonderful. Or she was an intruder that creepily knew way too much about my family. I was willing to take my chances though, because the omelet looked amazing.
“This is fantastic,” I said after taking my first bite.
Ellen stood up. “At least your taste buds haven’t forgotten what they like. That’s probably a good sign. I’m going to go make sure we have all the ingredients for your favorite meals all week. After all, if one sense comes back, surely the rest will follow.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true. But I hoped she was right. She could be. I hadn’t remembered liking mushrooms and peppers in my omelets. Yet, here I was devouring this one. I stopped mid-bite, my cheeks full of food, when I heard the
front door open.
I swallowed down my bite without fully chewing and almost choked. I had no idea why I was nervous to see him. Maybe it was the letter I still had folded up in my hand. Or maybe it was the fact that I knew how badly I'd messed everything up. I just wanted today to be better.
James stepped into the living room in just a pair of running shorts and sneakers. No shirt. All the abs. Sweat dripped down the muscles in his chest. If I still had food in my mouth, I’m pretty sure it would have fallen out because my mouth was probably hanging open. Calm down.
Despite his hotness, he looked nervous, like he hadn’t expected to see me. And pale. His face looked really, super pale. “Hey,” he said.
“Good morning,” I said at the exact same time, blurring out his hello.
He smiled for the briefest of moments before it disappeared again. “Is it okay if I use the upstairs shower?”
“Um…yeah. Of course. I cleaned up the towels on the floor.”
“You didn’t have to do that. Ellen would have this morning.”
Good, he does know her. And then her name finally clicked in my brain. But not because I remembered her from before. It was because Rob had mentioned her to me. He had joked around and pretended Ellen was James’ other wife. It all made sense now. “Yes, Ellen seems very nice. But there’s no way I would have made her clean up after me. It was my fault.” I thought about the letter I had read. If I had tried to kill myself, the stunt I pulled in the bathroom was a thousand times worse.
He raised his left eyebrow at me. “She doesn’t mind, Penny. It’s her job.”
“But still.” The letter was burning a hole in my palm. Ask him.
“You’re supposed to be taking it easy. For a little while longer.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He took a deep breath, his chest rising slightly. That’s when I noticed the faded scar on his ribcage. And the one on his stomach. But they weren’t as alarming as the scar right above his left peck. It didn’t look old at all. I was pretty sure there were still stitches in it. How had I not noticed that yesterday when he kissed me in the rain? I swallowed hard. Well, I had been rather distracted.
I looked back up at his pale face and he immediately looked away from me. Like he didn’t want me to realize he was staring. Or maybe it was something a little more than that. Stop hiding things from me. “Where were you?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been doing physical therapy a few days a week.”
I tried to force myself to stop staring at his perfect hair. “For?”
“Penny, I’m fine. I’m not the one you need to worry about. You made it pretty clear why you came back.”
There was more to that sentence and we both knew it. You made it pretty clear why you came back, and it wasn’t for me. He was right. I came back for Scarlett and Liam. But I was pulled to him too. It was like we were two sides of a magnet and he was drawing me in with his six pack abs and brooding smile.
“I’m going to go take that shower,” he said.
“When are you going to tell me what happened?” I stared at his pale face, willing him to tell me the truth.
“It’s not a long walk to the hospital. After I shower, maybe we can talk on our way over to see Liam?”
Liam. I bit the inside of my lip. I thought I’d have a bit more time to process everything before meeting my son. But I’d take what I could get. I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
He didn’t say anything else. He just walked away, giving me a wonderful view of his strong back and firm ass. I sighed and leaned back on the couch. James was the perfect storm. Giving me just enough to need more. I could feel myself being pulled closer to his chaos.
Him saying he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as me? Now I couldn’t seem to sleep without him. Him saying he wouldn’t touch me? Now I wanted him to. Desperately. I couldn’t just erase how I felt yesterday in his arms. I looked down at my half eaten omelet. I was decidedly not hungry for anything but James.
***
I kept my arms folded across my chest so that I wouldn’t be tempted to reach for James’ hand. Not that I could've even if I'd wanted to. He was keeping his distance from me. A whole person could fit between us on the sidewalk. And sometimes they did, almost knocking into me. God I hate New York. It was loud and crowded and…I glanced at James…lonely. I hadn’t expected it to feel so horribly lonely.
“Scarlett will be up in about an hour,” James said. “I’d like to be back before then. She hasn’t had a normal day in quite some time.”
“Of course.” It had been like this ever since we started our walk. He wasn’t giving me anything. If I was going to learn about what happened, I needed to steer the conversation. The hairs on the back of my neck rose as a chill ran down my spine. I glanced over my shoulder. It was the same sensation I’d had in the apartment. Like someone was watching me. Two of our security guards were a few paces behind us. Certainly they were watching us. It’s just in my mind.
I turned my head back before I gave myself a chance to collide with anyone on the sidewalk. This was my chance at getting answers, not pretending I was being followed. “So someone tried to hurt me?” I wasn’t even sure if I believed that anymore. I was pretty sure I had tried to hurt myself. The note in my pocket was proof enough of that.
James looked straight ahead. “Dr. Nelson. Your OB-GYN. While you were pregnant with Liam, he said he found a heart murmur that had been there all along that was getting worse the longer you carried our son. He claimed your last OB-GYN was negligent not to tell us. But he made the whole thing up.”
“I don’t have a heart murmur then?” I didn’t know what that meant so I was happy it wasn’t true.
“You didn’t until him. He successfully gave you one as he slowly poisoned you and our son.”
Poisoned?
“Your heart murmur is mild again now, after the delivery. Your cardiologist believes you’ll have a normal, healthy life without any surgical intervention. We were lucky we figured out what was going on when we did. Before it was too late.”
All I heard were the words surgical intervention and before it was too late. I had almost died. This crazy doctor had poisoned me. And for what? “Why would a doctor do that? I don’t…”
“We think he wanted his practice to be number one. The OB-GYN you had for Scarlett retired, but his practice was still considered the best in the city, even though Dr. Nelson was now considered the best OB-GYN. He couldn’t shake the reputation of the practice, so he tried to deface them. By blaming your death on them.”
But I didn’t die. Right? I pinched the inside of my arm. I still had trouble believing this life was real sometimes. I couldn’t just embrace it as easily as everyone wanted me to. “You know all this and he’s still not in custody? Was it not enough proof?”
“No. We have all the proof we need. We have the whole thing recorded.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The police think he skipped town. There’s a warrant out for his arrest.”
I glanced over my shoulder again. Was that why I felt like someone was watching me? Was it possible that Dr. Nelson was out there right now? I shook away the thought. “Do you think he’ll try to hurt me again?”
“We don’t know. But even if he does try, he won’t succeed.”
I should have been freaked out. I should have had more questions. But I didn’t. Maybe because part of me still felt like I was dreaming. That none of this was real. Besides for that nagging feeling that someone was watching me, I didn’t find his story alarming at all. I didn’t even really know if I could trust his account. I had a note that explained everything a little differently. “So let me get this straight. A crazy doctor drugged me in an attempt to make it look like I had a slowly growing heart murmur that would lead to my untimely death?”
James finally looked over at me. “I guess that's the gist.”
I laughed.
He scowled.
“That’
s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard. He walked into our house with cameras everywhere and spiked my pills? He must have known he’d be caught. What a whack job. Hold on, so if I was poisoned, what happened to you?”
“Ellen swapped our weekly pill holders in our suitcases. I took a few days worth of the pills.”
“You didn’t notice the difference?”
“I thought Ellen just got a new brand of multivitamins. I didn’t think anything of it.”
He was absentminded. That much was clear. And apparently he relied on Ellen a lot. I wondered if he relied on me as much. “So I went into a coma, delivered a premature baby, and lost my ability to have any more children in my lifetime. What happened to you?”
He grimaced. I just wasn’t sure which part had upset him. “I’m fine,” he said.
“You’re not fine. I saw the stitches on the side of your chest. Your face gets pale when you exercise. And you keep running out of breath. You’re out of breath right now.” I grabbed his arm to stop him.
“I’m going to physical therapy. I’ll be fine soon enough.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Why? So you can make a joke of the whole thing like it doesn’t matter? You were in a coma. You delivered a premature baby. You lost the ability to have more children. It’s not all about you. There’s another side to the story. My wife who I love with every ounce of my being was in a coma for weeks. I thought I was going to lose her. And she delivered a beautiful, helpless, broken little boy into this world without her. I had no fucking idea what I was doing without you. I don’t know how to take care of a baby by myself. Let alone one as tiny and sick as him. And you didn’t just lose the ability to have children. We lost the ability, Penny. We. There is no you and me, we’re an us. We can’t have any more children. If we lose Liam, that’s it. We don’t get another chance. So don’t make light of this situation. It’s not just your life, it’s ours.”
