by Ivy Smoak
“I’m sorry.” It was a lame apology. It made it seem like I hadn’t listened to a single thing he'd said. Like his pain hadn’t shaken me to my core. “I’m sorry,” I said again, but it sounded just as lame as the first time.
He pulled his arm out of my grip and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s fine.”
But it wasn’t fine. There was nothing fine about his demeanor. I had hurt him. Yet again. Apparently it was all I was capable of doing.
He started walking again and I had to jog to catch up to him.
“James, I do care. I didn’t mean to joke around about what happened. But of course I care.”
“I’m not asking you to care about me. You’ve made it pretty clear that isn’t something you want. All I’m asking is that you’re here for our son.” He stopped again and took a deep breath.
I tried not to cringe. I had the oddest sensation that I was just as likely to lose him as I was to lose Liam. And not in the loving sense. Clearly I had already lost him there. But he looked ill. Was he dying?
James leaned forward. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. My heart started beating so fast I thought it would break out of my ribcage. The one kiss we had shared was seared into my brain. I wanted another. I wanted him to press my back against the car again. I wanted to feel the rain on my skin. I wanted to feel alive. He leaned even closer.
And then he opened up the door behind me, breaking the spell. He moved away as quickly as he had drawn close, and stepped inside of the building. More questions than answers swirled in my head. And now I was the one left out of breath.
Chapter 26
Monday
The bustling and beeping of the hospital died away when I looked into the window of the NICU. I thought I’d recognize my son right away. But I had no idea which baby was Liam. I swallowed hard. The instant connection wasn’t there. I couldn’t even tell which squirming blob was my son.
“You ready?” James asked.
But I barely heard him. I blinked fast, trying to remove the threatening tears. What if I held him and felt the same way? Like he wasn’t a part of me?
“Penny.” James' voice was gentler. He put his hand on my shoulder.
It was like his touch emanated strength. I took a deep breath and turned toward him. He was touching me. He had promised not to, yet here he was. And I was happy that he had broken his word. I nodded my head. “I’m ready.”
He gave me a small smile and then removed his hand in a rush. Maybe he had just remembered his promise. Or maybe my touch did the opposite to him. It zapped the strength out of him instead of reviving him.
I followed him into the room. The first thing I noticed was how much warmer the air was. It wasn’t a pull to my son. Or a realization of which baby he was. No, it was just the sensation that it was warm.
There was a nurse writing something down on a clipboard. She looked up as we entered and a smile crossed her face. “Good morning, Mr. Hunter. Our strong-willed warrior is doing well this morning. He’s been sleeping better at night.” She set her clipboard down and walked over to one of the little incubation cribs.
“Strong-willed warrior?” I asked.
The nursed looked up like she hadn’t seen me. “Yes. That’s what Liam means.”
I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her instead of looking at my baby. But the way she had said that was so condescending.
“And he needs to be strong right now.” She pulled him out. “Don’t you, little man?” she said in a babyish voice. She looked back up at me with her perfect smile that matched her perfect long blonde hair and perfectly tanned skin. “You must be Mrs. Hunter. Would you like to hold him?”
“I…” I looked back and forth between the baby and James. “What is that mask on his face?”
“It’s a CPAP. His lungs weren’t fully developed when he was born so it’s helping him breathe a little easier. But he’ll be breathing on his own in no time.” She looked down at my son. “Won’t you?” she said in her baby voice. “Yes you will, yes you will.”
I swallowed hard. He was so tiny. So so tiny. And he wasn’t just attached to one machine. There were all sorts of tubes and wires everywhere. If I held him, I was afraid it would be like holding a robot.
James didn’t wait for me to decide what I wanted to do. He walked over and took Liam out of the nurse’s arms.
“Hi, Liam,” he said as he stared down at the baby. “You slept better last night, huh?” He wasn’t using a baby voice like the nurse. But his voice was softer. Gentler than it was with me. Loving.
I couldn’t look away from the two of them.
“Your sister said you were a good boy yesterday. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be here. I won’t go that long without seeing you again, okay? I promise.”
I thought the baby looked small before, but he looked even teensier in James’ arms. Or hands, more accurately. Liam practically fit in his hands.
James rocked Liam back and forth slowly. He looked up at the nurse. “He looks bigger than the last time I saw him.” The smile on his face was brighter than I had ever seen. So much brighter than when he smiled at me.
“I told you he was doing well. All it took was a good night’s sleep.” She reached over and adjusted Liam’s blanket. “Let’s take his mask off for a few minutes too.” She carefully unstrapped the contraption. “Isn’t that better?” she cooed.
James and the nurse stood close, staring down affectionately at Liam. I shouldn’t have been jealous. I was standing right here. But I couldn’t help it. This stranger was a better mother to my child than I was. I didn’t even feel compelled to hold Liam because I was scared he might break in my hands.
“Who else has been to visit you while I was away?” James said gently to Liam. “Rob and Daphne. Your grandparents.” He rocked the baby in his arms. “You didn’t miss me at all, did you?”
“Aw, I’m sure he did,” the nurse said as she adjusted the blanket again. “Matt was here too. And Tyler and Hailey stopped by to spend some time with him.”
I had no idea who Matt was. But I recognized the name Tyler. The Tyler. The perfect male specimen that Melissa said I passed on. We were still close enough that he visited my baby? Everyone had been here. Everyone had held him but me. And that nurse wasn’t Liam’s mother. I was.
The nurse placed her hand on James’ bicep. “But he’s never as happy as when you’re here.” She leaned down into Liam’s face, keeping her hand on James’ arm. “Isn’t that right?” She and James stood there smiling down at Liam. The perfect little family. They had no need for me. And it wasn’t lost on me that James didn’t flinch at her touch. He seemed way more comfortable around her than he did around me.
“You’re going to get out of here so soon,” James said in his calming voice. “You’re going to come home and everything’s going to be okay. Just keep breathing for me, Liam. Keep breathing.”
“You heard your daddy,” the nurse said. “Keep breathing for us.”
Us? Hell no. This random nurse wasn’t a part of us. “Can I hold him?” I asked.
James looked up. He seemed surprised that I was standing there. Like he had completely forgotten I existed. Which was exactly how I’d felt watching him with Liam and the nurse. Invisible. Yesterday he had sworn he saw me. Today? It felt like he was trying to prove how alone he could make me feel without him.
I walked over to them without waiting for a response. James slowly maneuvered Liam into my arms, being careful with all the cords.
“You have to support his head. Careful of his blanket, he needs to stay warm.” The nurse kept chirping orders but I ignored her. I’d know how to hold my son. I’d just know.
For just a moment, James kept his hands beneath Liam too. And for the first time I felt like we were a family. But then the warmth of this hands disappeared. It was just me and Liam. Me and…it felt like I stopped breathing as I stared down at him. His dark hair. His nose. He was the spitting image of James. But then he opened his little ey
es and looked up at me. And I saw myself. He had my blue eyes. I knew that most babies had blue eyes, but I was hoping that they’d stay blue. That there would be one thing about him that was a reflection of me.
“Hi, Liam.” I tried to keep my voice calm but not baby-like. I didn’t want to sound like the nurse. I wanted to sound like me. I wanted him to remember. He would have heard me talking all the time while I carried him in my belly. He’d know I was his mother. “Do you remember me?”
His face scrunched up for a moment like he wanted to cry. But then his features softened. And he blinked. The tiniest, cutest little blink.
I took that as a yes. And I felt guilty about it, because I didn’t remember him. It wasn’t fair for me to expect so much from him. He was a baby, after all. I was the grown up. “I’m going to remember you too. We can do it together.”
I felt it in a rush. The same as I had with Scarlett. That a piece of my heart belonged with him even though my mind didn’t remember giving it away. “You look just like your father,” I said. I gently touched the side of his face. “So handsome.”
While I held him, I wondered what kind of mother I was. Did I read to my belly at night? Did I sing to him so he’d recognize my voice? Did I eat the right things? Did I care as much as I hoped I would?
None of it really mattered. Because I was going to start caring right now. Holding him in my arms turned my world upside down. He was so small. And he needed me. He needed me and I was going to be there for him.
“I’m not going anywhere this time,” I said. “I promise. We’re going to figure all of this out together. I’ve always wanted a baby. And you’re perfect. You’re so perfect.”
He squirmed in my arms. Aw. My heart felt like it broke into a million little pieces as I stared down at him.
I lowered my voice. “Don’t let any nurses or doctors tell you any differently. You’re perfect, little Liam. And I’m going to take care of you. We’re going to be okay. We can get through anything together, you and me.” I wasn’t sure why I felt compelled to align my future with this tiny little baby’s. James had told me the odds. All the statistics about what his life would be like if he ever got out of here. And Liam was clearly small. But he didn’t seem sick to me. He seemed healthy. Just small and misunderstood. We’re okay, baby boy. We’re okay.
James already had opinions of me. Scarlett already had opinions of me. Everyone already had opinions of me. Except for this baby. Liam had only just met me. And he seemed to like me well enough. I just knew in my heart that we were going to get through all of this together.
“You’re a strong-willed warrior, huh? Well, me too.” I leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. “Me too, baby boy.”
Chapter 27
Monday
“Daddy!” Scarlett screamed when he opened the front door. She flew into his arms as soon as he got down on his knees to catch her.
“I thought you disappeared,” she sobbed into his shoulder. “You weren’t here when I woke up. I thought you left like Mommy.”
Ouch.
“I’m right here, pumpkin.” He slowly stood up, hugging her close. “And I’m not going anywhere. We’ve talked about this. People don’t just disappear, okay? I’m right here. And your mom is here too.”
“We talked about that. But you also promised you’d be here when I woke up. You promised, Daddy.” She was holding on to him so tightly I thought she might be strangling him.
“I know, I’m sorry. We were visiting Liam and it took a little longer than we thought.”
“You could have taken me with you. Don’t leave me again.” She sniffled.
He ran his hand up and down her back. He looked stressed, and strained, and tired. She was angry with him and it was my fault. I was the one that had kept saying one more minute when I was holding Liam. It was my fault that he broke his promise.
I gently touched Scarlett’s arms. “It’s my fault, Scarlett. It was my first time meeting him. He’s cute, isn’t he? It’s hard to leave him at the hospital when he’s so cute.”
She lifted her head over James' shoulder. “You left me.”
Oh, Scarlett. That wasn’t what I meant at all. I watched her blink her tear stained eyes. “I’m back now. And I’m not going anywhere.”
She shook her head and hid against James’ chest.
I guess she didn’t believe me. I had broken her trust. And I didn’t know how to get it back. Because I didn’t know her. “What do you want to do today, Scarlett?” I asked. “We can do anything you want. You just name it.”
James started shaking his head back and forth.
“The zoo!” she screamed.
James sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He needed a break from sick kids and demanding ones. I was here to help. And I wanted to spend time with Scarlett.
“How about just us girls?” I asked. “It’ll be fun.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” James said.
Couldn’t he see that I was doing it for him? He needed a break. “It’ll be fun. Scarlett, do you want to go get ready? We’ll leave in a few minutes.”
She practically leapt out of James’ arms and ran toward the stairs.
James was glaring at me. I doubted he had any idea how handsome he was when he glared. I certainly wasn’t going to tell him. Him looking hot as sin was the one thing that made the daggers he was throwing with his gaze bearable.
“Penny, I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“I saw your face when she mentioned the zoo. I know you don’t want to tell me what’s going on with you, but I can tell you need rest. Let me do this.”
“I’m not comfortable with you taking her by yourself.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because you ran out on us a couple days ago. Because…”
“I didn’t know about her.”
“That's fair.” His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “You ran out on me. Not her. But that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know anything about her. You’re taking her to a crowded public place. She likes to run off when she’s excited.”
“She has red hair. It’ll be hard to lose her.”
“It’s more than that. When she gets grumpy in the afternoon it’s because she needs a snack. And not just any snack. She likes the little fruit ones that come in the blue bags. And she’s obsessed with panda bears. She always asks a million questions about panda bears at the zoo and doesn’t understand why they don’t have one here. We always tell her one is coming soon because it makes her happy.”
“So you’re worried I’m going to tell her the truth about pandas not coming to the zoo here? That’s what you’re worried about? Letting the truth about that slip is probably for the best.”
“You don’t get it, Penny. You can’t just jump in and be a parent.”
“I don’t know what you want from me then. This is what you asked me to do.”
He pressed his lips together. “You’re right. Being a good mom is all I’ve asked from you. But…” his voice trailed off. He ran his hand through his hair and looked away from me.
But what? I wanted him to say he was wrong for asking that. Because it wasn’t all he wanted. He wanted me too.
“It would make me more comfortable if you let me come with you.” He was still not looking at me.
That wasn’t what he was about to say. He was about to say something heartfelt and real. And he replaced it with nonsense. I wasn’t going to lose our kid. And I wasn’t going to randomly tell her all sorts of stuff that didn’t align with our parenting decisions. I was trying to win Scarlett over, not upset her. “I’m giving you a free pass to do whatever you want this afternoon. For a few hours you don’t have to worry about kids and obligations. I’m trying to do something nice for you.” I emphasized the last words because I wanted him to know that I cared. That a part of me came back for him too.
“Will you at least ask Melissa if she’ll go with you?”
“Sure.” Now that was a sugg
estion I could get behind. This was going to be fun. “If you tell me what you were about to say before. You said being a good mom is all you've asked from me. But…your voice trailed off. What were you going to say?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Anything I say will just make this worse.”
“This as in us?” I asked. He wasn’t the only one aware of the fact that we were having a conversation standing several feet away from each other. He wasn’t the only one that wanted the distance to close.
“I’m doing the best I can. I made you a few promises, and I’m trying to stick by them. That’s what you want, right? For me to keep my distance?”
Now was my chance. I could tell him I wanted to kiss him again. That I wanted to wake up in his arms. That I wanted my dreams of him to become a reality. “James, I have no idea what I want.” Not true. You’re a liar, Penny!
“Well, I know what I want.” His gaze dropped to my lips. “And that’s why it’s good I made you those promises. Because our ideas of what this is between us couldn’t be more different.” He looked back up at my eyes. “We’ll be friends. Nothing more. And as a friend, I hope you have fun today. Thanks for the break.” He didn’t say it sarcastically, but I heard it that way.
Yesterday on our date he stared at me like he loved me. I felt like he loved me. And today it felt like he didn’t care one way or the other whether I stayed or went. No, that wasn’t true. It felt like he hated me. Like he wished I was out of his house and out of his life for good.
“Porter and Briggs will accompany you too.” His voice was all formal now. Any trace of emotion from earlier was completely gone. “I assume you’ll be out for lunch. Will you be back by dinner?”
“Do you want me back for dinner?” I felt juvenile and stupid. He had confessed his love every which way. And I had told him to stop. I had messed all of this up. Yet I was the one that was angry at him. I could clear it up. I could tell him I wanted to be more than friends. But my mouth wouldn’t open except for stupid snide remarks I didn’t mean.
