A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness Book 2)

by Ivy Smoak

  “Penny?”

  I turned to see him standing there, watching me. He looked happy that I was staring at the pictures. Like I was doing exactly what he had planned. And he was shirtless again. He kept doing that. It was so distracting. It was almost like he was trying to…God. I was so dumb. Of course he was trying to make me notice him. I thought about earlier when he said he just wanted for us to be friends. How angry I had gotten. He knew how to push my buttons. He knew it would turn me on. He knew me.

  He hadn’t given up on us being more than friends. Because there was more than my love in those pictures. There was his love too.

  But there was also one huge problem. Just because I could see the love in the pictures, it didn’t mean I felt it. Just because he knew how to trick me into wanting him, it didn’t mean I actually did. Him angering me? Him walking around without a shirt? Him putting up these pictures? He was trying to trick me into falling in love with him again. And my heart couldn’t just flip a switch and feel everything he wanted it to feel. Love didn’t work like that. He had to know that. He had to know I needed more time. Just because he knew me, it didn’t mean I knew him. Or that he understood what I was going through.

  “I’m not upset about what happened with Scarlett,” he said. “I was a little at first, but it could have happened to anyone. You don’t have to cry. I’m sorry if I overreacted. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

  I could see it on his face. He wanted to comfort me. But he was worried I would freak out. He was trying to keep his word. And it was killing him.

  “I’m not crying about that.” I wiped my tears away. “I mean, yes, I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful. I should have known better. But I’m crying because…” I couldn’t look at him. Instead, I stared at one of the pictures of us. “I’m crying because you love me. And for some reason, you decided it would be fun to pretend you just want to be friends even though you obviously want more. And you keep doing that.” I waved at his six-pack without looking at him. “And you keep pushing my buttons. And it’s not fair that you know more about me than I know about you. You’re messing with my head.”

  “Is it working?” James asked.

  That was not the reaction I had expected. I was almost positive that he’d deny it. I finally made eye contact with him, just in time to see him run his fingers through his hair. “No, it's not. And that. Stop doing that.”

  He laughed and lowered his hand to the side. “I don’t know what you expect me to do, Penny. I keep having new plans on how to fix everything and you keep derailing them.”

  “Is that an admission that you're prancing around the house shirtless because you want to seduce me?”

  “I’m not trying to seduce you. I’m actually trying to get you to want to seduce me.”

  I stared at him. “Seriously? That’s the master plan I derailed?” That was never going to happen. My eyes wandered down to his six-pack. Fine. Maybe it would have happened eventually if he kept looking so amazing.

  “It wasn’t that horrible of a plan. You should have seen your face earlier when I said I just wanted to be friends. You looked like you wanted to kill me.”

  “I did not.”

  “Yes.” He stepped closer to me. “You did. Can’t you just admit that you’re starting to fall, even if you’re not starting to remember? That kiss we shared yesterday…”

  “Even if I was starting to fall for you, it’s because you’re tricking me. You’re messing with my head instead of letting me make my own decisions.”

  “I’m not trying to trick you, Penny. I’m trying to jog your memory. I was trying to make you want me. And trying to push you away at the same time.” He sighed. “That’s how we started. A little give. A little pull. I thought if I acted that way, you’d remember. And I just ruined it but letting you know you already have my heart.”

  The way he was looking at me made my chest hurt. “Recreating stuff doesn’t seem to help. Can’t we just…start over?” I needed a level playing field. I needed to know more about him. “I think that maybe…”

  “Story time?” Scarlett said.

  I jumped. I still wasn’t used to a little kid running around. Where had she even come from? She was standing behind us, hugging a book close to her chest.

  “I don’t feel well,” she said. “Can I have a bedtime story?”

  “Hold that thought,” James said to me. “I want to keep talking about this. I just have to…” he nodded toward Scarlett.

  “Yeah, no, it’s fine. I’ll just keep looking at the pictures. Even though you put them up to manipulate me, you never should have hidden them. They’re wonderful.”

  He smiled as he glanced at one of our wedding photos. “They really are. I’ll be right back.”

  “No, Daddy. I want her to do it.” Scarlett pointed at me.

  I was pretty sure my whole face lit up. “Me?”

  She nodded.

  In a matter of minutes I had turned things around. I had been honest with James about needing to make my own decisions. And he seemed open to letting me figure things out. Or maybe he was just out of ideas on how to trick me. Regardless, it felt like progress. I was excited to talk to him more.

  And it wasn’t just James I had made progress with. Had I really gotten Scarlett to like me? What the heck was happening? This weird world I had been thrust into was finally accepting me. “I’d love to.” I smiled at James before letting Scarlett grab my hand and lead me upstairs.

  “I’m sorry that I made you sick,” I said, as I tucked her into bed.

  “That’s okay.” She was still holding the book tightly against her chest.

  “Do you want me to read that to you?”

  She shook her head. “I have questions for you first.”

  Oh crap. She brought me up here for a pop quiz? I already knew I was going to fail.

  “What’s my favorite color?” she asked.

  I looked at the walls in her room. “Pink?”

  “Uh-uh. What’s my boyfriend’s name?”

  She has a boyfriend at her age? That seemed preposterous. I wondered if James knew. “Um…”

  “What’s my favorite cereal?”

  “I…”

  “What do you call me instead of pumpkin?”

  This wasn’t a pop quiz. It was a rapid-fire inquisition. “I really don’t…”

  “What’s my favorite book?”

  “Scarlett, I’m sorry. I don’t know. But if you give it to me I can read it to you.” I held my hand out. I didn’t want to play this game anymore. It was making me feel horrible.

  “I know you’re not my mommy.”

  Ouch. “Yes I am. Sweetie, I’m right here.”

  She slowly sat up, reached out, and put her hands on both sides of my face. I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed completely still. She ran her little hands over my forehead. And nose. And lips. And chin. And scrutinized my whole face before moving her hands back to my cheeks.

  She squished her mouth to the side like she was thinking. “You look like my mommy,” she said. “And you sound like my mommy.” She shook her head. “But you’re not my mommy. I want her back. Can’t you bring her back?” Her bottom lip started to tremble.

  My heart felt like it was breaking. She was just a kid but she still saw that I wasn’t the same. I wasn’t who she remembered. “I’m trying. I’m trying to remember. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you right now.”

  “I miss her.”

  Was she trying to make me cry in front of her? “I know. I miss her too.” It was the truth. I desperately wanted to remember her. I needed to remember her. And a piece of my heart knew I wanted to remember James too. If those pictures downstairs showed the truth, then I did love him. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew I did.

  “Do you promise not to leave too?”

  “I promise.”

  She let go of my cheeks. “My favorite color is green. My boyfriend’s name is Axel. I love cinnamon Chex. And you always call me Scar. Or sweetie when maybe
I’m a little bad. Which isn’t very often. I’m a very good girl.”

  I smiled and tried my hardest not to cry. “My favorite color is green too.”

  “I know.”

  Right. Of course she knew. “I’m going to remember all that this time.”

  “Okay. And this is my favorite book. You can read to me now.” She thrust the book she was holding into my hands.

  I looked down at the cover. Be Careful What You Joust For. It wasn’t a children’s book. It seemed like it was probably for adults, or at least teens. It was thicker than most books I'd had to read for school. “This is your favorite book?”

  “Mhm.” She pulled the sheets all the way up to her chin. Just like I always did.

  “Okay then.” I flipped to where the bookmark was and started reading aloud:

  “He heard someone humming and turned the corner to see Nesta skipping toward him with her arms overflowing with muffins. A small peeping noise fell from little Nesta's lips and she dropped most of the muffins onto the floor. Her eyes grew big as she looked up at him approaching.

  "Good morning, my lady," Rixin said with a smile and a nod.

  Nesta looked relieved when he didn't scold her. "Do you want a muffin?" she asked and held out one of the ones that hadn't fallen on the floor.

  "You saved my day, Lady Nesta," Rixin said as he took the muffin from the young girl. "I'm starving and these look delicious."

  She giggled. "Do you want to come see what I've been making?"

  "Actually, I..." his voice trailed off when Nesta slipped her hand into his and started pulling him down the hall. Her fingers were sticky from the muffins she had been carrying, and she was pulling him through the hall with surprising strength for her small frame.

  Rixin glanced over his shoulder at the pile of muffins and crumbs Nesta had left on the floor. "Shouldn't we clean that up?"

  "If we hurry, no one will know it was us." She giggled again as they turned a corner and came to an abrupt stop outside her door. "You wait here. Boys aren't allowed in my room." She unlocked her door and disappeared inside.

  I looked up to see Scarlett fast asleep and quietly closed the book. She was a lot like me. Dreaming of princes. She was also a lot like Nesta too. I could see why she liked this book so much. I’d have to make sure to read the whole thing as soon as I could. But there was another book I wanted to read first. The one I wrote. It could be the key to getting my memory back. I just needed to ask James where I could find a copy.

  When I walked out of Scarlett’s room, I realized that the last locked door was now open. I already felt like I knew what was inside. But seeing it and believing it were two very different things. I paused by the door when I saw James inside.

  He was sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room with his eyes closed. For the first time, it felt like I saw him. Truly saw him. He wasn’t acting a certain way to win me over or help me remember. He didn’t even realize I was watching him. I studied the sharp cut of his jaw line. The way his hair curled slightly when it was wet. The scars on his chest and stomach and…bicep. I tilted my head to get a better angle, only to realize that his arm was hiding a tattoo. All I could see was a small line. I wanted to know what it said. I stepped forward and the floor squeaked.

  James opened his eyes. They were bloodshot. The first thing I thought about was his addiction problem. My worst suspicions about him sniffing cocaine off the dresser appeared in my mind.

  But then he sniffled in the most adorable way. And he looked away from me like he was embarrassed. Had he been crying?

  He cleared his throat. “I’ll be down in just a second. Dinner will probably be ready soon.”

  I knew he was asking for me to give him a minute alone. But my feet didn’t move. I hadn’t truly seen him a moment before. I had studied his beautiful features, but I was so unconnected to him that I didn’t realize he was crying.

  He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees so he could drop his face. So he could remain hidden. So he could keep his secrets.

  “James?” I wanted to go over to him and rub his back. Or hug him. Or something. I couldn’t casually ask him what was wrong. I knew what was wrong. He had a son that might never see his nursery. We had a son. My eyes dropped to his clenched fist. He was holding an article of clothing in his hand. “What are you looking at?”

  He put it down on his lap and smoothed the fabric out over his thighs. It was a tiny onesie with a Giants logo on it. “You bought this for me right after you found out you were pregnant the first time. You were convinced we were having a boy.”

  I smiled, even though I didn’t remember. “I bought something with a Giants logo on it? I’m an Eagles fan. I guess I must really love you.” The words kind of tumbled out of me. And they settled around us in all their awkward glory.

  “Yeah. You did.” He folded the onesie back up and looked at me. “I’m sorry I hid things from you. I’m sorry I tried to trick you into loving me. I’m just…sorry.”

  I shrugged. “It’s okay. I’d probably do the same thing if I was in your shoes.”

  “Maybe.” His smile was so sad. “It’s hard for me to be in here. I didn’t want to subject you to that when you were having a hard enough time accepting me.”

  “I get it.” I looked around the room. It was adorable. There were stuffed animals everywhere. The only odd part about it was that the walls were bright orange. “Is orange all the rage this season?” I asked.

  James laughed and stood up from the rocking chair. “We let Scarlett pick it out. We didn’t know whether we were having a boy or girl so we didn’t want the standard pink or blue. She had fun choosing.”

  That was sweet. “You’re a really great father, James.” He was a much better parent than me.

  “We’re a great team.” He folded the onesie and put it on top of the dresser.

  “Speaking of that…” my stomach felt like it was doing summersaults. “I feel like we haven’t been much of a team. You know everything about me. And I don’t know anything about you. And if all of this is ever going to seem normal…you can’t keep me in the dark anymore. You need to answer my questions. You need to tell me everything.”

  “Where do you want me to start?”

  “At the beginning, I guess. Tell me about your family. Tell me what you were like growing up. Were you a jock or a geek? Did you have lots of dates or none at all?”

  “I’ll tell you everything you want to know over dinner.” He grabbed my hand. I hadn’t expected him to do it. James had made good on his word of not touching me. He realized his mistake at the same time that I realized how much I truly liked the spark I felt when our skin touched. That the feeling was real. He tried to pull away, but I closed my hand to intertwine our fingers together.

  “That sounds perfect,” I said and smiled up at him. Any trace of his sadness had disappeared. He was looking at me the way he had in the pictures. The way he had yesterday. And even though it was scary, I didn’t want him to stop. This version of him was so much better than the cold version.

  Chapter 30

  Monday

  “I’m sorry, James.” I had listened to his retelling of his childhood. And the few funny stories scattered throughout didn’t change the fact that it sounded miserable. His parents were God-awful. How had they not seen that he was so unhappy? I barely knew Scarlett and I could tell when she was angry with me. Which was most of the time, but I was improving. I wanted to improve. His parents? They didn’t care enough about him to even try. It was heartbreaking.

  “It’s okay. I met you. I found my love of teaching. I love the life we’ve made together. Besides, nothing heals the past like time.”

  “So you’re on good terms with both your parents now? I know your father visited me in the hospital. But your mother? How is she?”

  “We haven’t spoken since everything that happened with Isabella.”

  “You mean her forcing you to marry Isabella?”

  “Well, that and the f
act that my mom was trying to help Isabella break you and me up before our wedding. She sided with a monster instead of her own son. I don’t know how to forgive her for that.”

  “Isn’t forgiveness the key to happiness, or something like that?”

  “Maybe. But I almost died. She almost prevented me from ever being a father.”

  I nodded. I wasn’t an expert on forgiveness. If I ever saw the doctor who had poisoned me I was worried I’d try to stab him or something. He had taken away all my most wonderful memories. Of James, of Scarlett, of Liam. “Then screw her.”

  He laughed.

  I took the pause in the conversation to help myself to another serving of the delicious penne noodles with chicken and vodka sauce. “Don’t let me forget to tell Ellen how delicious this is. She’s a great cook.”

  “I actually made it.”

  I looked up from my fork. “Really? James, it’s so good. I didn’t know you could cook.”

  “I can’t. Not really. It’s one of the only things I know how to make. And in the interest of full disclosure, I made this for you on one of our first dates. I already had the whole night planned before you called me out on my games.”

  I smiled. He had planned to spend the whole night trying to win me over? How could I not swoon over that? “What else did you have planned?”

  “Do you really want to know, or do you want to just play along?” His dark brown eyes were so mischievous.

  I laughed. “That convinced it’ll work, huh?”

  “I just know I can’t stop trying. Even when you call me out on it. I tried the whole not touching you thing. And the not sleeping next to you thing. I can say with full confidence that it wasn’t for me.”

  “I’m trying my best to remember. Just, take things slowly with me. I’ve only ever dated one guy. And I don’t know if you can even really call it that. We were never actually exclusive.”

  “I know.”

  Of course he knew.

  “I believe in us. And I don’t care if it takes me the rest of my life to convince you to love me again,” he said. “I’ll never stop trying.”