When the three of us were alone together, the boys were able to distract me now and then, mostly with silly guy stuff. The part of me that was still aware loved seeing the two of them relaxed with each other again. They teased, gently, and Nate made Leo fall off the bed laughing at his imitation of my uncle. It was just like old times.
For a solid week, we lived in a sort of limbo where I had the boys with me almost constantly. We didn’t talk about the outside world or anything else. It was an awful, horrible time, and yet it was somehow sweet, too. Special and set-aside, days when I didn’t think about anything I couldn’t handle.
Other friends came to see me, too, of course. Gia had actually stopped by that first day, shortly after Leo had arrived, but I’d been asleep. She came back the next day, hugged me and cried with me, too. I was struck again by the fact that this girl who’d started out as just someone I knew from the newspaper staff had become my best girlfriend, the one person who listened to me talk about Leo and Nate and somehow understood all that insanity.
Jake Donavon, who’d been editor-in-chief of the paper during my junior year, visited one day that week, too. I hadn’t seen him since he’d been home from college over Christmas break, and I appreciated him taking time to see me.
To my utter amazement, quite a few of the guys from Leo’s team also showed up at the house. Beau and Dylan brought their girlfriends along, and even Brent, who’d never quite trusted me, stopped by for an hour. I’d noticed, though, that the team’s quarterback, Matt Lampert, Leo’s best friend outside of Nate and me, was conspicuously absent. He’d never liked me, although we’d had an uneasy truce for a little while when Leo and I were together.
A week after my father was killed, we all gathered at the Methodist church for his funeral. I sat in the front row next to my mother, with Leo on my other side. I’d insisted he sit with us, and who was going to tell me no? Nate was next to him, and I could feel the strength flowing to me from both of them.
Lisa and Joe sat behind us, with their older sons, Simon and Danny, and with Sheri and Mark. Lisa patted my shoulder now and then and offered my mother tissues, which she took and crumpled up in her hand.
I never had any memory of the service itself. All I remembered was the color of the carpet in the church—a deep red—and the comfort of my hand inside Leo’s. He never let go.
Mom and I didn’t cry during the service. We made it through, and afterwards, we did a hell of a lot of nodding in response to kind, well-meaning words from people who had no fucking clue what to say to two women who had just lost their husband and father, respectively.
After the service, about half the crowd came back to the house, where someone—I never really knew who—had organized food to feed everyone. It was nearly three hours before the last guest finally walked out the front door, leaving my mother and me alone with Lisa and Joe, Sheri and Mark, and the boys.
My mom stood in the front hallway and turned in a slow circle, as though seeing it for the first time.
“I can’t believe it’s all over.” She sounded detached and exhausted.
“Carrie, why don’t you go upstairs and change, maybe take a bath. Lay down and rest. We’ll finish cleaning up down here, and then we’ll go. Unless you need something else.”
Mom shook her head. “No, you’ve all—you’ve been incredible. I don’t know what Quinn and I would’ve done without you.”
“We’re family.” Sheri folded my mother into a hug. “We do for each other. How many times have you guys kept us sane when Nate was in the hospital?”
“And who brought my family meals and sat with me during chemo?” Lisa grinned. “We do have the best times, don’t we?”
“Let’s maybe find another way to bond, shall we?” Mom sighed. “All week, I kept thinking, we just have to get through this, get through to the funeral. I only thought about holding it all together until today. But now that it’s all done . . . I’m terrified. What comes next? Everyone’s gone. It’s time to get back to normal. Only problem is, I don’t know what normal looks like anymore.”
“Babe, you awake?” Leo’s voice was low and husky, murmuring against my ear.
I snuggled a little closer to him. “Mmmmm. Kind of.” My bedroom was dark except for the faint glow of the streetlight just outside. Tonight, for the first time all week, I hadn’t dropped right off to sleep after I’d laid my head on Leo’s broad chest.
“I talked to my mom a little bit tonight before they all left.” His fingers moved in small circles on my upper arm. “She didn’t push, but she suggested I give you and your mother some space tomorrow. She said you two need to talk about some stuff and make decisions.”
Panic welled up inside me, and it was on the tip of my tongue to argue. But I knew deep down that Leo couldn’t stay glued to my side forever. We both had to figure out what was going to come next for us, just like my mom and I had to do the same.
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “She’s probably right.” I turned a little, resting my chin on Leo’s sternum, staring up into his face. “But don’t go far, okay? I’m not sure I’m ready to go cold turkey on my Leo addiction.”
He brushed his hand over my hair. “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll sit in the car outside, just in case you need me.”
I sniffed. “You don’t have to do that. Maybe after breakfast, you could just go home for a little bit.”
“That works.” He crunched up, bending so that his lips could reach the top of my head. “Hey, Mia? We haven’t really talked about anything serious yet. I mean, about us. But I wanted to say this now, before anything goes any further.”
Trepidation gripped my gut. “I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with this.”
“Babe, no.” Leo slid me off him, rolling to lay on his side so that our faces were close together. “Nothing bad. I just wanted to say . . . I love you, Mia. I didn’t say it to you last week. I hoped you understood it, but I thought I better be clear. I love you. I loved you before, and I never stopped.”
I traced his jaw with one finger. “I love you, too, Leo. Still. Always. Forever.”
He released a breath as though he’d been holding it. “Okay. Good.”
I frowned. “Did you doubt that I did? That I do?”
“No, not really.” He nuzzled my neck. “But I wasn’t sure if you were ready to deal with me again. I know you needed me this week, but I was afraid once things started to settle down, you’d think that maybe I wasn’t worth the effort.”
Following my finger with my lips, I kissed his chin. “You’re worth everything, Leo. And I hate that it took my dad—what happened, I mean, to get us back together, but I’m not going to have any regrets anymore. Loving you is part of me, and so are you. I wouldn’t have made it through this week without you.” I paused, enjoying the feel of the late-night scruff on his neck. “That first day, before you got here, I wanted to die, too. It hurt so bad, and I felt like nothing was ever going to be right again. But then you came to me, and I’ll never forget that you were here for me.”
“I always will be.” He tipped up my chin and kissed my lips, softly. “Nothing in my life works without you.”
“Then I guess we need to make sure we stick together.” I leaned forward to deepen our kiss. “Hey, Leo?”
“Hmmm?” He was focused on my mouth, tracing the seam of my lips with the tip of his tongue.
“Make love to me, please?” I pressed my body closer to his, just to bring home my point.
Leo drew back a little, his eyes filled with concern. “Are you sure you want that, Mia? We don’t have to do anything. Trust me, just holding you every night has been like heaven on earth for me. We don’t have to do anything more than that.”
“We might not have to, but I’m telling you . . . I need you. I want you to take my mind off everything.”
“I’m never going to deny you, babe.” His arms slid around me, and his hands cupped my ass. “But I could just make you feel good. We don’t have to . . . you know.”
“Engage in full sexual intercourse?” I whispered, teasing, just in case my mom happened to have woken up and was wandering past my bedroom door. “But I want to.”
Leo rolled to his back, flinging his arms on either side of him. “Fine. Have at me, woman. I’m not going to stop you. Do what you must.”
Smiling a little, I sprawled over his body, desire surging when I felt his erection hard between my legs. “Gladly.”
“So what now?”
My mom and I sat at the kitchen table, alone with each other for the first time in over a week. She’d showered and put on jeans and a T-shirt, but I could tell that after yesterday, the effort to do even these most basic things had tired her. Her always-bright eyes were dim, with deep shadows beneath them. I wondered how well she’d been sleeping these nights while I was finding comfort in Leo’s arms.
I sighed and shifted in my chair, not sure how to answer her question. I was eighteen years old and a brand-new high school graduate. My parents had always taught me to be independent and to think for myself, but somewhere deep inside, I’d counted on not having to be an adult for a while longer. I was heading to college in the fall, true, but my parents were paying for what my grant didn’t provide, and I’d known they’d have my back over those four years.
But now, my mother was looking at me as if I might have answers to questions she didn’t know how to ask.
“Well . . .” I tried to think about what my dad would say. “I guess we need to figure out first things first, right? Like the house. Can we afford to keep it, or do we have to move?”
My mom nodded. “We don’t have to make any decisions about the house right away. Dad and I both have—well, had—life insurance that pays off the mortgage in the event of a death.” She gripped the edge of the table. “I remember when we got it. It sounded so ridiculous, to think that either one of us would die before we’d finished paying for this house.”
I covered her hand with mine. “It is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that Dad is gone. But I’m glad you guys did that, because I’m not sure I could handle leaving the house yet.” I paused. “What about the beach house?”
“We should be able to hold onto that, too. I make enough to cover those payments, and there will be some other insurance money, too.” She seemed to want to say something else, and I watched her struggle to couch her words. “Uncle Doug mentioned something to me. He said we may want to think about suing the other driver in the accident. It’s not going to bring Daddy back to us, but it could help with your college, or maybe your first house someday.”
I frowned. “What do you think about that?”
Mom sighed. “I really don’t know. Honestly, I don’t want to think about it right now. Maybe down the road, but at this minute, I can only deal with putting one foot in front of the other, you know? I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this reality. Every morning, I wake up and hope it was a nightmare. I need to focus on some more positive stuff for the future. I can’t deal with it yet.”
“Then let’s table it for now.” I gnawed on the inside of my lip. What I wanted to bring up next wasn’t going to be easy, I knew. “About college, Mom. I’ve been thinking.”
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Yes?” Her tone was one of both trepidation and challenge.
“I think I’m not going to go to Evans.”
“Bullshit.” Her answer came so swiftly that I knew she’d been expecting this.
“No, listen, Mom. I’m serious. I’m not saying I won’t go to college, but I don’t want to go to Evans.”
“You don’t want to go to the college you’ve been dreaming about for two years? The college your dad was so excited for you to attend?”
I shrugged. “Maybe that’s part of it. Maybe I don’t want to go to Evans without Daddy here to cheer me on.” Tears filled my eyes as I remembered his last words to me, about being in the front row of my college graduation.
My mother glanced away from me. We both knew tears were contagious. “So, what’s your plan? Ditch college altogether?”
“Of course not.” I took a deep breath. “I was thinking about going to Birch instead.”
“Birch? Really?” She sat back in her chair, considering. “You were accepted there. They were one of your back-up schools, though. Why would you want to give up the journalism program at Evans for Birch?”
“For a few reasons.” I’d actually been thinking about this quite a bit in the last two days. “First of all, Gia mentioned something to me the other day about a brand-new program Birch is offering this year. It’s not pure journalism; it’s more like a combo of social media, digital marketing and journalism, all wrapped up together. I think it sounds amazing.”
“All right.” My mother nodded. “That’s one reason. What’s another?”
I scrunched down in my chair a little. “I don’t want to go that far from you. Birch is just fifteen minutes away.”
“Quinn. Really, I’m going to be okay. I’m not going to have you staying home and throwing away your future because you feel like you need to babysit me.”
“It’s not you.” I pulled my feet onto the chair with me and hugged my legs. “I’m not ready to leave you, Mommy. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want to be that far from you.”
For a long moment, she didn’t answer. Her eyes rested on my face, conflicted and thoughtful.
Finally, she smiled a little. “Okay. We’ll need to figure out how this is going to work, but if you’re sure it’s what you want, we’ll talk to some people over at Birch and see what we can do.”
“Thank you.” I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you so much.”
“And speaking of things we need to talk about . . . don’t think I haven’t noticed that Leo’s pretty much moved into your bedroom.”
I was sure my cheeks were flaming as I sat back. “He was just here to take care of me.” I fiddled with the hem of my tank top. “I wouldn’t have been able to sleep without him here.”
“I take it the two of you are back together now?”
“Yes.” I knew I sounded definitive. “I know all the reasons we won’t work, but I also know I can’t give him up again, Mom. We’ll figure it all out.”
The corner of my mother’s lips tugged up into something resembling a smile. “I’m sure you will.”
We were both quiet for a few minutes, and then she spoke again, in measured words. “I’m not going to tell you Leo can’t sleep in your room, Quinn. After this week, it sounds like that would be closing the barn door after the horse ran amok. But please, sweetie . . . be careful. And I’m not just talking sex.”
When I started to interrupt, my mom held up her hand. “No, hear me out. You’re eighteen years old, Quinn. I can’t make your decisions for you. I love Leo, and I’m grateful that he’s been so supportive this week. But he’s heading down to Carolina in about a month, and you’ll be starting a new life, too. It’s going to be tough on both of you.”
I’d already expected this cautionary chat, so I only nodded. “I know, Mom. We’re being smart, and we’ll get through college. We can handle the long-distance thing.” I smiled at her. “Leo and I are meant to be together. And nothing’s going to be in the way of that this time.”
The day we graduated from high school, I’d been sure the summer that lay ahead would be full of two things: getting wasted and hanging with Matt, my best bud. It turned out I was wrong on both counts.
Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
Instead, I didn’t lose a single minute of my last summer of freedom. I didn’t get drunk even once; I stuck to a beer or two if I was hanging out on a warm evening. And I hardly saw Matt at all, because almost all of my waking hours were spent with Quinn.
Of course, a lot of my non-waking hours were also spent with her. What can I say? Life was damn good.
It wasn’t all laughs and sunshine, sure. We were all still grieving, missing Bill, and Quinn struggled to figure out what was coming next for her. I argued with her
about giving up Evans, because I knew how much she’d wanted to go to college up there, but her rationale for choosing Birch instead made sense. She and her mom had compromised: Quinn would attend Birch, but she was going to live on campus, not at home, even though we all lived about fifteen minutes from the college. Her friend Gia was doing the same thing; she was the youngest in a large family, and Quinn told me that Gia’s mom was going to sell their house as soon as the summer ended and Gia had moved into the dorms.
Nate was also going to Birch. A year ago, that might’ve made me uneasy, knowing that Nate would’ve done anything to come between Quinn and me, but now, I was grateful that he was going to be there for her when I couldn’t be. I knew the transition wasn’t going to be easy, and having her friends nearby would help.
For a nanosecond, I’d considered throwing away my full ride to Carolina University, seeing if I could get into Birch, so I could be close to my girl. But she nipped that idea in the bud, nailing me with one of her serious, determined-Quinn looks, the one she thought made her look fierce, but which was really only totally adorable and made me want to kiss her nose.
“You are going to Carolina, where you are going to kick some serious ass on the football field. And then you’re to win the championship game, and when you’re a senior, you’ll get the Heisman. And you’ll be number one draft pick that year for the NFL. Got it?”
“Hey, dream a little bigger, babe, why don’t you?” I flicked her on the chin. “No pressure on me or anything, right?”
“Nope.” She was sitting on the swing at the park, our park, the place where we’d finally admitted to each other how we felt. I stood behind her, giving pushes, and now I gripped both chains and pulled back until her head was level with mine.
“You know I’m doing it for you, right? For us. So that when we get to that place, that done with college place, I can give you the kind of life you deserve.”
The Keeping Score Box Set Page 35
