Every Wrong Reason

by Rachel Higginson

  “What are you doing here?”

  He stood there out of breath with his shoulders heaving, as if he’d run all the way here. His mouth was set with determined lines. His eyes were so intent, so intimately focused… but maybe a little lost too. Or maybe it was something deeper than lost. Something profound and permanent that reflected in my eyes too. Something like finally being found. “You still don’t know?”

  I shook my head and tried to swallow. “No.”

  “You, Kate. I’m here for you.”

  I carefully made my way down the rest of the stairs and took a step toward him. It was strange being in this place. I felt like my emotions had taken steroids. There were too many of them. And they were at war with each other.

  The man that I wanted, the marriage that I wanted, stood right in front of me and still I had to fight my pride and swallow humility. I had to choose to let go of our past and hold onto the hope that we had a future. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I needed to choose the best things… the things that would move us forward and give us healing.

  It wasn’t easy. It was the opposite. It was traumatizing and against my nature. I knew I was stubborn. I knew I was a control freak. I knew I had a thousand faults that only this man could love.

  We were so broken. I was so broken.

  Yet I wanted this more than anything in the world. More than I had ever wanted anything else in my entire life.

  And I knew, without any doubts or misgivings, that if I let him go… if I gave up on our marriage and walked away, I would regret it every single day for the rest of my life.

  More than that, I would be giving up a quality of life. I would be letting the best thing in my life go. I would have to resign myself to a secondhand citizenship in my own life and I could not do that.

  I didn’t deserve it.

  He didn’t deserve it.

  We didn’t deserve it.

  Before I could create words and explanations and apologies out of all of that, he stepped forward again, closing the distance between us and said, “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m sorry for everything.” When I saw real tears reflected in his deep blue eyes, I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. I had never seen him like this before.

  “Nick, you don’t have to-”

  “I do. I need to say all of this. It’s stuff I should have said years ago. I should never have let us get this far. I should never have let you go. Not once.” More hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, letting him go on. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t let go of the band. It was stupid. It was stupid of me to hold onto it for so long. I haven’t wanted it, not really anyway, for a long time. But I hated the taste of failure and disappointment and when I looked at you, with this career that you loved and all of your success, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with that. I was stubborn in a way that deeply hurt us… hurt you and I’m sorry I did that to us.” I opened my mouth to answer him, but he held up his hand and with a small smile said, “Please wait. There’s more.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t take the burden off you financially. I know you will teach no matter what I do, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I will never do it again. And it’s not because I don’t think you’re capable or that you weren’t handling it. I know you are and I know you did. But we are in this together. We have to be in this together. We’re a partnership. One-half isn’t greater or less than the other. We are two halves that make one whole. I’m sorry I stopped us from being equals.”

  He took another step toward me and we were only an inch apart. I felt him this time and it was real. I felt his body heat. I smelled him, the way only he could smell. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted… if I wasn’t so afraid he would shatter into glass, proving I had conjured him up in my depression.

  “I’m sorry we haven’t had a baby yet. I’m sorry I haven’t done everything in my power to find out what’s wrong and give you the thing you want most. I’m sorry I ignored you and neglected you and treated you cruelly. I’m sorry I let us drift apart while we were together. I’m sorry I left you. And I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.

  “There are so many things between us, Kate. I know we can’t just fix ourselves overnight. But I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work. I am going to work as hard as I can. I am going to think of you first and show you love… show you how very much I love you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting with you and making you miserable. I can’t keep making myself miserable. We deserve so much more.” His blue eyes speared me with a heated, powerful look. “You deserve so much more. Because the truth is, I surrender too. To this. To us. To you.” He swallowed roughly, then with sincerity that rocked me to the center of my being, asked, “Will you forgive me?”

  The words were stuck in my throat, clogged with too much emotion and racing each other to get out. I threw my body at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and flattening myself against his chest. He caught me. I knew he would. “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes, I forgive you.”

  When he tightened his arms around my waist, it was different than before. He held me with promise, with hope. He held me in a way that was so permanent and lasting I felt it to my bones.

  “I’m sorry, too,” I cried against him, wetting his shirt. “I almost don’t know where to begin. There are just too many things.” His fingers trailed gently through my hair, giving me courage to go on. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect you. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry this got so convoluted.” I took a second to breathe through trembling sobs. “But most of all I’m sorry for leaving you too. I’m sorry I didn’t try to do everything I could to fix us first. I’m sorry I was so selfish.”

  “It’s okay,” he whispered against my hair. “It’s going to be okay.” His lips touched my forehead and he said, “I should never have let you get away.”

  Some of the old fear reared its ugly head and I tilted my face toward his. “Are we going to be okay?”

  He pulled back so he could hold me with his gaze again. “We are. We’re already on our way to okay.” A tremulous smile tilted my lips and he mimicked it. “God, Kate, I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you. I know we’re going to make it because you are the most important thing in my life and I am tired of not treating you like that. I can’t let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I want to fix this, Katie. I want to shed all the bullshit and get to the center of things… the center of us. I love you, Kate. I’m never going to leave you again.”

  I leaned up on my toes and pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. He didn’t hesitate to dip his head and meet my mouth. His tongue swept over my bottom lip and then he deepened the kiss into a frenetic free fall of love and passion and apology.

  We clung to each other as tightly as we could, as if the smallest space between us was intolerable. His mouth moved over mine greedily, hungrily… adoringly.

  This was just a kiss, but so much more than anything we had ever done. This was more than sex, more than fighting, more than any hurt we could have ever caused each other.

  We promised something new to each other, saying our vows all over again. This kiss became the beginning of a new life for us, the foundation for which everything else would be built.

  This wasn’t just a kiss. This was forgiveness. This was healing.

  This was our future.

  When he pulled back, it was to trail sweet kisses along my temple and down my cheek to the line of my jaw. He tasted my tears and I felt cherished.

  I felt loved again.

  He took my hands and led me to our couch. We sat down, tangled in each other with the words to his song hanging behind us and the home we’d built surrounding us.

  “It was all for you,” he murmured.

  “The job?”

  “That was the start of it,” he agreed. I had my head on his chest, listening to the b
eautiful cadence of his heart, but I felt him nod. “The night I left I knew I’d lost the best thing in my life. I knew I’d lost everything. The job was first. I knew I couldn’t come back to you without one.” He laughed at himself, running a hand through his hair. “God, I sound like a deadbeat.”

  I sat up quickly, facing him, letting him see the truth in my expression. “You’re not one. Nick, I never thought that. No matter what we fought over or how damaged we became, I never thought you were a deadbeat. I wanted to support your dreams. I did for as long as I could, but… but there came a point when I didn’t think you wanted it anymore. It felt like you were just hanging on to it because that was all you could think of. I saw so much potential in you, Nick. It destroyed me to see you give up.”

  His hand, filled with callouses from his guitar, cupped my jaw. “I know that now. I didn’t then because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted someone else to feel like I did. I’m sorry that was you. I will never let it happen again.”

  Fresh tears filled my eyes. “I believe you.”

  He swept the sweetest kiss on my lips and pulled back. We weren’t finished talking. “It wasn’t just the job. I, the, uh, the mediation was because of you too. I couldn’t let you go. Not even after you made it so clear you wanted nothing to do with me. I got the best lawyer I could and I made your life a living hell just to keep you from leaving me. I hired Ryan Templeton to drag out our divorce for as long as he could.”

  I felt my stomach pick up out of my body and start spinning uncontrollably. I felt like I was on the steepest rollercoaster. I couldn’t catch my breath. “You didn’t really want the house?”

  His voice pitched low, “I wanted the house… with you in it.” One corner of his mouth kicked up in a half-smile. “And I wanted the dog as long as you got her too. I wanted the TV and the kitchen table and the bed upstairs and whatever else I made that asshole lawyer fight with you about because they came attached to you. I couldn’t let you go, Kate. Until the other morning when I thought you would leave me anyway. I didn’t know what else to do besides give you what you wanted. But you should know that if you had gone through with it, I would have still belonged to you. You own me, Kate. You will always own me. You are my wife till death do us part.”

  My heart swelled in my chest until I was certain it would burst. Until I knew I would die from happiness.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you for fighting for me.”

  He pulled me against his chest again and I rested there. I gave up everything at that moment and just breathed in my husband.

  He was right. He was mine. I was his. He owned me and I owned him.

  Till death do us part.

  We stayed there the rest of the afternoon and evening. We stayed there, on our couch and talked and talked and talked. We made more apologies. We made more promises. We decided to find a couple’s counselor that could help us through the next part of this journey. And we finally made love.

  Right there on the couch.

  Afterward, wrapped in the throw blankets from our living room, we ate a meal of cheese and crackers and ice cream. Then we walked hand in hand to our bedroom where we made love all over again.

  This time when Nick wrapped me in his arms, I didn’t wake in a panic. I fell blissfully asleep in his arms and didn’t stir until morning.

  And when we woke, we kissed without brushing our teeth. We held each other closely and made promises all over again.

  It wouldn’t always be like this. Seven years of marriage had taught us that every day would be different, that life would throw us curve balls and we wouldn’t always get along. But our eyes were wide open now. We knew what we wanted. And that was each other.

  He would drive me crazy and I would inevitably make him furious.

  But he would also make me happier than I had ever been. He would also take care of me, adore me, love me. And I would love him in return. I would support him. And I would respect him.

  We had a long way to go toward healing, but we were starting in the right place.

  We were starting hand-in-hand and together.

  And neither one of us would ever let go.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  31. He loves me.

  32. He will always love me.

  “Are you finished?” Kara’s pretty red head poked in my doorway and she took in the room with lightning fast quickness. “You look finished.”

  I stood up from a box I had been taping closed and stretched my back. “I think I am. Nick is going to pick me up and carry all this.”

  She grinned at me, “Perks of having a good man.” I laughed and waggled my eyebrows at her. She stepped into the room completely. “This year went by so fast. I can’t believe it’s over.”

  I smiled wryly, “I can. I’m ready for summer.” I sighed. “I’m ready to actually start summer.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Why, Kate? It’s not like you have a job in the fall. What does it matter to you?”

  I laughed as my hand landed gently on my slightly swollen belly. “I didn’t take you for the jealous type. I thought you had a purpose here.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me. “Well, mostly my purpose is to annoy my parents. These hoodlums are a side effect of bad judgment and stubborn rebellion.”

  “You’re such a liar. You love the kids here. And you’re only half serious about annoying your parents.”

  “I’ll give you the kids. I do love the little monsters. But I’m serious about my parents. My life work is to drive them to their early graves and inherit their estate.”

  I just shook my head. There was no arguing with her. “I am coming back,” I told her. “Maybe not right away… but I will be back. I can’t walk away from teaching forever.”

  Her gray gaze found mine and glistened with unshed tears. “I know you will. You’re too good at what you do to give it up forever. You’ll just have to turn that endless inspiration on your own little ones now. They get to keep you for a while. As they should.”

  Hearing the sorrow in her tone, I had to assure her. “Good thing they have their Auntie Kara to keep it real for them. I’ve been told I’m a little delusional with my optimism at times.”

  She let out a bark of laughter, “Who told you that?”

  “Mostly my students. The same ones I’m trying to inspire.”

  She grinned at me. “You know, this is much better than being spinsters together. I probably would have eventually stabbed you with my crochet hook.”

  “We would have made terrible spinsters,” I agreed. “We’re way too hot for cats.”

  She snorted. “Because only ugly people have cats?”

  “Oh, no. That’s not what I meant.”

  She waved me off. “I know what you meant. Your secret hate for people with cats is safe with me.”

  It was my turn to laugh. “Well, I am a dog person you know.”

  “How could you not be? A dog saved your marriage and knocked you up.”

  “The dog did not knock me up.”

  She winked at me. “Not what I heard.”

  I shook my head and joined her at the door. “I need to check my mailbox.”

  She sighed. “I need to go fill out paperwork. Apparently your powers of inspiration worked better than usual. Jay Allen signed up for summer school.”

  “Why?” I gasped. “His grade in my class was excellent. What classes does he have to retake?”

  She leaned in as if she were telling a secret. “He’s not retaking anything, Kate. He’s taking as many AP classes as I’m going to let him. Apparently, he wants to get into a good school.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “I am very serious.”

  My smile was so big I practically glowed. Tears filled my eyes and I blamed hormones. I rarely cried under normal circumstances.

  Just kidding.

  “Good.” I finally said.

  “Thought you’d be happy.” We reached the ha
ll where her office was nestled next to the teachers’ lounge. “I’ll call you later, k? Andrea and I are planning a baby shower for you. I need your input.”

  “Oh, my god, what is wrong with you?”

  “It was her idea.”

  “Kara, I’m not going through with that. You can’t make me. Besides, last I heard everyone thought I was a drama queen for calling off my divorce.”

  She shot me a mischievous grin. “But now that you’re preggers they understand why you called off your divorce. You can’t raise a baby alone. Plus he got that nice job. Clearly you’re in it for the money.”

  I groaned. “Do none of them realize there was no possible way for me to know I was pregnant when I called off the divorce? Or that I thought it was literally impossible for me to have a baby? Are they all morons?”

  Her smile dimmed, “Every last one I’m afraid.”

  “And these are people in charge of educating the future leaders of America. I’m actually afraid.” She laughed at me but didn’t argue. I turned to her and said seriously, “I don’t want to do the baby shower.”

  “If only life was all about the things we want to do.”

  “You are the worst guidance counselor ever.”

  She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared into her office, throwing over her shoulder, “You don’t mean that. I saved your marriage!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. She was absolutely ridiculous.

  And I loved her for it.

  She might not have saved my marriage, but she definitely saved me when I thought my marriage was over.

  Maybe she wasn’t the worst guidance counselor ever. That might have been a slight exaggeration.

  I lifted my head and stumbled to a stop when I saw Eli Cohen watching me intently from the table beside our mailboxes. He was perched on the edge of it, with legs stretched out and ankles crossed. His arms were folded over his chest and his thick-framed glasses in place, hiding his eyes from me.

  “Hello, Mr. Cohen,” I said, hoping for casual. We had never regained the friendship we’d lost after our inauspicious coffee date. Things had been strained and forced ever since.