Honeymoon For One

by Portia MacIntosh

  ‘I was too scared to taste it before,’ he tells me. ‘Shall we try it?’

  ‘I thought you’d never ask,’ I reply.

  ‘Mmm, it is really good,’ Freddie says. ‘If I do say so myself.’

  Freddie stabs a couple of pieces of pasta – fusilli, he says it’s called. It looks like cute little corkscrews, making it the perfect shape for scooping up lots of sauce with.

  I lean over and open my mouth, waiting for Freddie to feed me.

  ‘Hope you like it, babe,’ he says.

  Babe – our safe word, the one we said we’d use if things got too much and we wanted to cool off. Am I being too much for him? Is it all too much for him since we slept together? I’m almost annoyed at him, for springing this on me all at once.

  As he holds out the pasta for me to taste, I don’t know what else to do but try it, although I feel too upset to eat now, which is not at all like me. Before the pasta touches my lips, something knocks me to the ground.

  I look up to see Daniel on top of me, pinning me down to the floor.

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I ask.

  Before he has chance to explain, Freddie picks him up by his T-shirt, like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat. He holds him there for a moment, for everyone to see, holding him away from me.

  ‘Put him down,’ Eva screams.

  ‘What’s happening?’ Zoey asks as she rushes over. ‘Do we need to get Security again?’

  I wonder to myself, during these events, how often they actually wind up needing to call Security. I wouldn’t have thought it was ever – if so, we’re about to set a new record for twice in one tournament. Perhaps just because this is such a nice place, they don’t want anyone lowering the tone or killing the romance with drama. Nothing like a rowing couple (or couples) to kill your buzz.

  ‘He just lunged at her,’ Freddie says angrily.

  ‘No, wait, I can explain,’ Daniel says, squirming around in Freddie’s grasp, struggling to speak. ‘The pasta… it’s got shellfish in it.’

  I place my hands over my mouth.

  ‘So?’ Freddie replies.

  ‘So, she’s allergic, you moron,’ Daniel tells him.

  Freddie puts him down.

  ‘Lila, I’m sorry, I had no idea.’

  ‘Of course you didn’t, you don’t even know her,’ Daniel shouts at him. ‘You could’ve killed her.’

  ‘Freddie, you weren’t to know I was allergic,’ I tell him. ‘Daniel… thank you. Thank God you realised.’

  ‘Yes, thank God,’ he replies. ‘He could’ve killed you.’

  ‘Okay, can you stop saying that?’ Freddie says. ‘I feel bad enough.’

  Freddie helps me to my feet and hugs me tightly.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispers into my ear. ‘I’m so sorry. I… I just had no idea. It didn’t even cross my mind that you might be allergic to anything.’

  ‘It’s not your fault. I should have been paying attention when you were cooking,’ I reply.

  ‘Well, it looks like Daniel has saved the day,’ Zoey announces.

  The crowd we’ve gathered around us all cheer and applaud.

  My heart is in my mouth, I feel as if I just dodged a bullet. Shellfish is one of those foods that everyone raves about, but I have no idea what it tastes like. I’ve known about my allergy for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember finding out that I had it, but I’ve known what to steer clear of ever since. I can’t believe I nearly ate shellfish – I daren’t even think about what could’ve happened.

  ‘Daniel, seriously, thank you,’ I tell him.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ he replies. ‘I’ll always have your back. Not like this guy, this stranger, trying to poison you.’

  ‘Okay, seriously, enough,’ Freddie tells him. ‘It was an honest mistake.’

  ‘Or what?’ Daniel asks him, squaring up to him, getting in his face. ‘You’ll try to kill me too?’

  At this, Freddie shoves Daniel away from him. I don’t think he means to do it hard, I think he’s just trying to move him away, but his strength gets the better of him and Daniel is far lighter than he looks.

  ‘Freddie,’ I squeak as I instinctively crouch down on the floor next to Daniel.

  ‘He was trying to provoke me,’ Freddie protests. He looks awfully embarrassed.

  ‘He succeeded,’ I reply angrily, before turning to Daniel. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask him.

  ‘I was just trying to help you,’ Daniel insists.

  ‘I know,’ I start.

  ‘What?’ Freddie interrupts me. ‘He was trying to come between us.’

  ‘I didn’t put shellfish in the pasta,’ Daniel shouts. ‘You did. I know my fiancée, you don’t.’

  ‘I know what you’re doing,’ Freddie says, real anger bubbling up inside him. ‘I can see what you’re doing and Lila can too. You’re just using this to score points. Why not tell me she was allergic when you saw me with the prawns?’

  ‘I saw you put it in when Lila went to the bar,’ Daniel replies. ‘And I didn’t know she’d be eating it.’

  It sounds as if Daniel is playing some sort of angle here, trying to be the hero. I’m about to get annoyed when Freddie does it for me.

  ‘And she’s not your fiancée any more, is she?’ he adds.

  ‘No, she isn’t,’ Eva interjects angrily.

  ‘Okay, we all know I’m not,’ I say, before suddenly becoming aware of our audience. I lower my voice. ‘Let’s just break this up, shall we?’

  I help Daniel to his feet before trying to defuse the situation.

  ‘Look, thank you for letting me know,’ I tell him again.

  ‘I care about you,’ Daniel says, pulling me in for an unexpected hug. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Eva storm off.

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ Freddie says.

  ‘Freddie, why don’t you give us a minute?’ I suggest tactfully. ‘We’ve got that meeting in half an hour. I can see you there.’

  I don’t want to say ‘couples’ counselling’ in front of all these people, not that I think they would be surprised. We’ve got our two-on-two session, the second condition of us being allowed to remain in Mr & Mrs Valentine Island after our performance the other day. I was hoping we could get out of it but after our reprise just now I think it’s best we make sure we attend.

  ‘Really?’ he asks in disbelief. ‘Okay, fine.’

  ‘I’ll see you there?’ I suggest.

  ‘Maybe,’ he replies, before walking off.

  33

  I count myself lucky that Freddie has turned up for our two-on-two counselling at all, although I suspect it might have been better if he hadn’t shown up, as at least then I could’ve made something up (because what’s one more lie, in the grander scheme of things?) and said he was ill or had to take a work call or he’d fallen in the sea. Anything would’ve been better than this.

  We’re sitting side by side on a sofa but there’s enough space between us to give the elephant in the room a seat.

  Sitting in separate armchairs opposite us are our therapists: Victoria, who conducted the group session, and an American man called Arnold, who we are meeting for the first time. I suppose that makes sense and, with Victoria being English and Arnold being American, it really does feel as if we’re on opposite teams. It’s Team GB vs Team USA.

  ‘Have you been having a nice time since we last spoke?’ Victoria asks us. ‘How is the competition going?’

  ‘Well, we’re winning,’ I point out.

  ‘You don’t seem happy about that,’ Arnold points out. ‘Freddie?’

  Freddie is in a bit of a sulk. I get that he feels bad about what happened, and I know that Daniel is a little shit – I’m hardly his biggest fan at the moment – but he did save me. So I’m in a sulk because he’s in a sulk. We’re like two naughty kids called into the head teacher’s office for a chewing out, neither of us willing to admit an ounce of guilt.

  Freddie shrugs.

  ‘Is your
ex still causing problems?’ Victoria asks me.

  ‘Ha,’ Freddie says.

  ‘Freddie, is there something you’d like to say?’ Victoria asks him.

  Up to now, Freddie’s body language has been saying more than he has. Arms folded, legs crossed, body tipped away from me, pointing away from me too.

  He sits forward and begins playing with a little tray of sand on the table, drawing patterns in it with the miniature rake that sits alongside it.

  ‘Her ex is always around,’ Freddie says. ‘And sometimes I think she still thinks about him. He tried to make a fool of me today, over a silly mistake, and she didn’t really speak up about it.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ I insist. ‘I know you don’t like it, but he did save me. And I know what you did was an accident, but the consequences still would have been bad.’

  ‘What happened?’ Arnold asks.

  ‘I tried to kill her,’ Freddie says.

  In perfect synchronicity, both Victoria’s and Arnold’s jaws drop.

  ‘Usual couple stuff,’ I say, deadpan, before quickly clearing things up, so they don’t call the Carabinieri. ‘He accidentally nearly fed me something I’m allergic to.’

  The second these words leave my lips, I realise just how daft they sound.

  ‘I can’t believe you think I still think about Daniel,’ I say to Freddie.

  ‘We’re literally taking part in a competition against him, just so we can win,’ he reminds me.

  ‘Which you have been more than happy to take part in,’ I point out.

  ‘And then today… “Oh, Daniel. Oh, Daniel. Daniel, you’re my hero.”’

  ‘Is that supposed to be my voice?’ I ask him. ‘You sound like Dick Van Dyke.’

  ‘So do you,’ he replies.

  ‘That’s a mean thing to say out of jealousy,’ I point out, although I'm not sure I mean it. The idea of me being able to do anything to make Freddie jealous is laughable.

  ‘Okay, let’s slow things down a little, shall we?’ Victoria suggests. ‘Freddie, you think that Lila might not be over her ex and that she’s spending too much time thinking about him/around him.’

  ‘Yep,’ he replies.

  ‘Lila,’ she continues. ‘You think Freddie is exaggerating these issues because perhaps his ego is bruised, or maybe he’s jealous?’

  ‘I think you’ve got it in one,’ I reply.

  ‘How long would you say you’ve been having these relationship problems?’ Arnold asks us.

  ‘I’d say about an hour and a half,’ I reply.

  Arnold begins to write this down in an almost robotic way, but halfway through he realises this is an incredibly short amount of time.

  ‘So you’ve had a falling out?’ Arnold confirms. ‘Today?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply, feeling a bit daft.

  ‘Any other issues in your relationship?’ he asks.

  Freddie and I look at each other.

  ‘No,’ he tells Arnold, while still looking at me.

  ‘Okay, I’m going to tell you a story,’ Arnold begins.

  Arnold is a gentleman who I’d guess is in his late fifties. He wears these tiny glasses on the end of his nose that he only looks through when he’s writing. While much younger Victoria seems like a progressive therapist, Arnold looks like your textbook psychiatrist – like the visual representation you see in a movie so that you instantly know what you are looking at. I imagine Valentine Island is the last stop on his journey before he retires. There are certainly worse places to work, even if you are dealing with the ridiculous problems of couples all day.

  ‘One of the other couples we’re working with… I must point out, anonymity is key in this game, so I can’t tell you their names or any specifics about them. I can tell you their issues though. They met when they were in high school, fell madly in love, and, in that way that life goes, they put their personal dreams aside to focus on building a life together. They got married, had kids, they live in a nice house… but now that they’ve got it all, they take each other for granted, and they do so because they resent each other. He could’ve been a professional soccer player, she could’ve travelled the world. Instead he’s working a job he hates to put food on the table and she’s picking up his dirty pants while all he does is watch movies when he gets home. They are at a point in their lives where they wish they had done more, and they’re angry at each other because they feel like the other has held them back.’

  ‘Was this guy obsessed with The Lord of the Rings?’ I ask.

  Arnold’s face contorts into something shocked and annoyed. He looks at me as if I’ve just opened up his head and climbed into his brain. Apparently therapists don’t like it when you turn the tables on them. Of course, I’m not reading his mind, this just sounds as if it could be about Jen and Kevin who we met at the last session.

  ‘That’s not important,’ Arnold says quickly. ‘What’s important is that they haven’t held each other back at all. When it came down to it, when they were younger and they could have done whatever they wanted – and listen to my words carefully: they could have whatever they wanted – what they wanted more than anything was to be together, get married, and start a family. So they did that.’

  ‘So, what now?’ Freddie asks.

  ‘Now they need to remember why they decided to do that,’ Victoria tells us, quickly adding a disclaimer of, ‘This completely fictional couple we’re using as an example.’

  ‘And why are you telling us this?’ I ask.

  ‘Because,’ Arnold starts, ‘you both need to ask yourselves one question: is anything more important than the other person? Is an ex more important? Is pride more important? If the answer is no, you have nothing to worry about. Spend the rest of your lives together – or until you feel yourselves growing apart, and even if you think you are, ask yourself one more question: would I have had a happier life if I’d spent it with anyone else?’

  ‘I know you weren’t trying to poison me,’ I tell Freddie. ‘And I know you couldn’t have known I can’t eat shellfish. I was just in shock, I think. It was really scary, having such a close shave. I didn’t know what else to do apart from thank Daniel…’

  ‘I know,’ Freddie replies. He scoots up to me on the sofa and wraps an arm around me. ‘I was just embarrassed and upset that I could’ve hurt – even accidentally – someone that I really, really care about.’

  His words send a tingle down my spine, although I’m not sure what’s part of the act and what’s real any more. I mean, we were pretending to be a couple, then we slept together. Twice. And no one was watching (I hope) so it’s not as if we were pretending then… And now we’re in couples’ therapy, talking as if we’re an old married couple, airing problems that are barely hours old, and not actually real problems.

  ‘I really care about you too,’ I tell him, just in case he meant it. ‘I think I was more upset about you using our safe word, than you trying to kill me.’

  ‘I didn’t use our safe word,’ he insists.

  ‘You have a safe word?’ Victoria asks.

  ‘We do,’ I tell her. ‘It’s “babe” and he said it to me earlier.’

  I don’t waste time explaining.

  Freddie laughs awkwardly.

  ‘I, erm, I wasn’t using our safe word,’ he says. ‘I… I guess I was just calling you babe.’

  ‘Oh,’ I reply.

  ‘This all sounds very complex… but your relationship can be as easy as you want it to be,’ Victoria points out.

  I suppose that’s a very good way of looking at it. If you just love and respect each other, then what can possibly go wrong? But if you lie and cheat then you’re going to break someone’s heart, give them lifelong trust issues, and completely wreck the infrastructure of your relationship – and without that it will just fall apart.

  ‘What will happen to the other couple?’ I ask, referring to Jen and Kevin. ‘The, erm, the made-up one you used in your example.’

  ‘That is up to them,’ Arnold say
s. ‘Perhaps they’ll realise just how much they mean to each other, stop getting upset over the little things, stop focusing on the road less travelled… or perhaps they are too far gone now. No one can fix a relationship they are not a part of, and no one part of the relationship can fix it alone. Relationships are work. Are you two prepared to put in the hard work?’

  ‘Our relationship this week has been a series of challenges,’ Freddie says. ‘Quite literally too, taking part in Mr & Mrs Valentine Island. But it all seems worth it. It’s seemed worth it since day one.’

  ‘When was day one?’ Victoria asks out of interest.

  ‘Last week,’ Freddie and I reply at the exact same moment.

  Finally discharged from therapy, and with a clean bill of mental health to take part in the final round of Mr & Mrs Valentine Island, I actually feel as if I’ve learned something.

  Freddie and I might not be a real couple, but all the advice Victoria and Arnold gave us is solid advice. They’re right, about making relationships work, and how it takes effort from both sides. I'm not sure it was the spirit of the conversation, but it does make me wonder whether I was giving Daniel enough – surely that’s a preferable notion, that he cheated on me because I wasn’t giving him enough attention, rather than because he thought Eva was better than I was or because he simply loved her more.

  Most importantly though, everything they said has got me thinking about how important it is to be with someone who makes you happy, and if there’s one thing I know for certain (confirmed by the fact that this is the most depressing period of my life to date) it’s that I have never felt happier with a man than I do when I am around Freddie.

  Now I just need to work out how to tell him…

  34

  ‘Do you ever feel like an extra in a porno?’ I ask Freddie with a smile.

  I’m referring to the fact that a large portion of our days is accompanied by the audible backdrop of Ali having multiple orgasms.

  ‘It’s like you don’t know what my day job is,’ Freddie replies with a laugh, swigging beer from his bottle.