Return to Me

by Katie Winters

  “What? Oh. Yes. I scribbled something down.” Nancy seemed distracted. “Gosh, it’s strange to be here without Neal. Every year, without fail, we shared a fried Elephant Ear and drank and laughed all night. He grew up on this island, and you could feel his love for it in everything he did. His love was always larger than life.”

  Janine watched as a young girl collected an Elephant Ear from the nearby booth. “We could share one if you want to?” She almost called her mother “mom” there but held it back.

  “Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t want that. You’ve spent the past twenty years eating caviar, haven’t you?”

  Janine spoke softly. “I’m still the girl who grew up on hot dogs and macaroni and cheese in Brooklyn.”

  Nancy’s lips fell from her already strained smile. Luckily, Elsa returned with their glasses of wine, and Nancy and Janine were allowed to pretend they hadn’t looked too long at their strange past. Elsa described the history of the little wine store to Janine, who pretended to take an interest, even as the information ran in one ear and out the other.

  When a natural pause entered the conversation, Janine heard herself ask, “Does your sister ever come to events like this?”

  Elsa’s chin dropped. “No. She doesn’t have children or a partner or anything, and she tends to think events like this are kind of a waste of time.”

  Again, there it was: that darkness between them.

  “Which reminds me. You really should meet my children and my grand-baby!” Elsa said. “I think Mallory is around here with baby Zachery somewhere.”

  Nancy announced she had to go get set-up, as her speech was to be after the band finished. Janine followed Elsa through the bustling crowd, anxious for her mother’s speech and feeling unfamiliar and not really fitting in. Kids who walked past her looked delirious from their sugar rushes; their lips were bright blue from cotton candy. Their parents’ faces were glazed over from their drinks and tanned from the sun. You could feel expectation for the next summer months on everyone’s lips.

  In another reality, perhaps Janine would have allowed herself to feel happy, too.

  And maybe, in a sense, she did feel it, somewhere beneath the surface of her dark and chaotic soul.

  Maybe she would even have some cotton candy later.

  It’s not like anybody was around to stop her. It wasn’t like Jack’s family would ogle her and ask her if she thought she should really do that. Even Maxine, who was always on one diet or another, wasn’t around to scoff.

  Elsa turned and beckoned for Janine to come closer. A beautiful girl, who was the spitting image of Elsa, but younger, stood holding a baby of around one-year-old.

  “Mallory, I’d like you to meet my step-sister, Janine.” Elsa beamed as Janine stepped closer.

  “Wow. Hello!” Mallory said. “I’m Mallory, and this is baby Zachery.”

  “Lovely to meet you.” Janine willed her voice to sound more genuine, but she still just felt awkward and strange.

  “My fiancé is around here somewhere,” Mallory continued. “I know he’d love to meet you, too, but he has a whole vendetta with one of the festival games. He wants to win baby Zachery a teddy bear, and I can’t stop him.”

  “Sometimes, men get these ideas in their heads,” Janine offered with a knowing smile.

  Mallory laughed with a little snort. “Well said. Right now, it’s like I have two kids at this festival instead of one.”

  That moment, the band eased out of its last song. The lead singer remained at the microphone. He slipped his fingers through his black strands of hair and said, “May I have everyone’s attention? We have a very important ceremony after this that you’re going to want to hear.”

  Janine’s throat constricted. She gulped back a bit of her wine and turned her eyes toward Elsa, suddenly nervous. In a few moments, the bandleader introduced Nancy Grimson Remington to the stage. She walked on thin legs, totally anxious, then gripped the microphone and tilted it down so that the speakers screeched.

  “Good evening, everyone,” Nancy began.

  Janine wished she could have stepped back in time to describe this scene to the teenage version of herself. One day, your mother will be someone special. Someone loved. Someone revered.

  “I guess you all know who I am,” Nancy continued with a nervous laugh, one that caused the rest of the festival-goers to chuckle, too. “But I’m not here for me, and you know that too. We all lost a great man about six months ago. My husband, and the love of my life, Neal Remington, passed on from this world and into the next. He left behind a pretty massive shadow.”

  “God bless Neal!” someone called from the audience as several others clapped.

  Nancy’s eyes glowed with tears.

  “Over the years, Neal’s Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa helped heal thousands of women from all over the world,” Nancy continued. “We took in women from all walks of life and sometimes, even when they couldn’t fully pay for it. Neal was dedicated to his service. Sometimes, when I worried about whether we were giving too much away or letting people take advantage of us, he just said, ‘Nancy? Listen to me. We have more than enough and it’s up to us to share it.’”

  At this point, Nancy’s voice broke, and she bent her head forward with sorrow. “I wish he was here with us today. He always knew what to say and best of all, he knew when to stay quiet to let us feel what we needed to feel. I’ve been given this award for the Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa for continued service to the island of Martha’s Vineyard. Thank you for honoring Neal and his life’s work. Thank you.”

  Janine placed her glass of wine on a nearby table to smack her palms together as loudly as she could. She felt she’d never heard her mother be so sincere, so urgent, so beautifully poetic.

  This woman—how was she possibly Nancy Grimson?

  Nancy left the stage after that to allow for another band to set up. Elsa whispered in Janine’s ear, “She’s always such a class act, isn’t she?”

  Janine suddenly felt she couldn’t breathe properly. She excused herself from the crowd and hustled off to the side, where she could inhale and exhale deeply in the direction of the water. Everything in her life felt like a strange and spinning storm. She wasn’t sure when she would feel calm again.

  Just then, she spotted a man with a video camera located off to the side of the stage. He had dark curls, and his dark eyebrows were furrowed low over his eyes.

  It was Henry, the documentarian.

  Janine hadn’t seen him since they’d watched his camera get swallowed whole by the ocean.

  Janine maneuvered around the backs of the various food stalls and wound her way toward Henry. When she reached him, she waited for him to take his camera down, and then she took a deep breath and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned toward her slowly. When he realized who she was, he reacted only slightly. There was no malice to his face; there was no joy, either.

  “Hey,” Janine finally said.

  “Hello there.” He arched an eyebrow, then said, “No bike accident or camera destruction yet. What do you have up your sleeves this time?”

  Janine laughed slightly. “I really want to apologize to you. You’re this — strange person from my past and I have not been very kind.”

  Henry gave a half-shrug. “I think I can understand that. According to the magazines, you’ve been through hell. Not that I read the magazines.”

  “Right.” Janine’s heart fluttered slightly. “Anyway. I would really love to repay you in any way possible.”

  Henry waved his hand. “The camera was insured. Not a problem at all. I only hope my other one is getting used down under, you know?”

  “As we speak, a mermaid is filming a whale somewhere off the coast of North Carolina,” Janine offered with a laugh.

  “Wow, I would kill for that footage,” Henry returned.

  They studied one another for a moment. Janine’s throat tightened again.

  “I’m sorry about what you said. About my husband leaving your last
project on the cutting room floor,” Janine told him.

  “It happens in this business. I’m used to it. I shouldn’t have said anything. This was years ago.”

  “I guess there was a reason I hadn’t heard of you for a while,” Janine said.

  Silence fell between them. Janine felt strangely hollow.

  Finally, she asked, “What are you working on now? You don’t have to tell me. I’ve just seen you around with your camera and, well. I’m curious. You’re obviously a city guy, with an interest in Martha’s Vineyard.”

  “Ah.” Henry looked doubtful for a moment. “You really want to know?”

  “Yes. Of course, I do.” Janine tilted her head slightly and then added, “I would love to know how you see this place. I’ve been so shell-shocked since I got here, I’m not sure if I see it correctly.”

  Henry nodded. “Okay. Okay, I’ll show you.” He flipped his phone out of his pocket with a flourish. His hands were large, sure of themselves. He typed her number into his phone evenly and then said, “I’ll be in touch.”

  When Janine walked away, her heart thudded in her throat. It was the first time she’d given her number to a man in twenty-four years. It thrilled her and terrified her. It made her feel outside of herself, though — and wasn’t that the goal?

  Chapter Fourteen

  “You sound different, Mom.” Maggie’s voice was a comfort against the shell of Janine’s ear as she cuddled herself into a ball in bed later that night. “Are you okay?”

  Janine had just described the Oak Bluffs festival, along with Nancy’s speech, to her daughter. She’d had two glasses of wine, with very little dinner, and she felt a bit foggy and far away. In truth, she missed Maggie and Alyssa desperately; she missed her thousand-count sheets and her favorite Italian restaurant and her routine runs in Central Park. Beyond everything, though, she missed Maxine, her best friend, her other half.

  “I’m okay, honey,” Janine whispered. “Just a bit sad, is all.”

  “But Grandma sounds really extraordinary,” Maggie said brightly. “She sounds like a completely different woman than the one you always described to us.”

  “I think she’s going through something,” Janine said softly.

  “You both lost quite a lot this year.”

  “I just don’t know if we have it in us to hold one another up,” Janine confessed sadly. “Maybe too much has happened.”

  Maggie spoke a bit about the wedding dresses she’d seen recently during a perusal with Alyssa at a very expensive boutique in Manhattan. Janine’s heart twitched with sadness. Wedding dress shopping? She was meant to be there.

  “But don’t worry. We won’t pick anything out until you’re here,” Maggie assured her, as though she could sense her mother’s sadness. “You have the best taste out of all of us, anyway. I wouldn’t trust myself.”

  Janine remembered the outfit she’d worn for the festival that night: a sundress borrowed from Elsa, and nothing she would have ever picked for herself, given the status of her position as Jack’s wife.

  Did this mean that one day soon, she would wear red lipstick and not even deem it a little bit rash?

  “Have you thought any more about what you’ll do next?” Maggie asked after a strange pause.

  Janine glanced over toward the desk, on which the list she’d begun to draw up sat expectantly. She sat upright and then pressed her hand against her forehead. “I’ve been thinking again about my practice, Naturopathic Medicine.”

  “Mom! Wow. That’s fantastic. That was your heart and soul. Alyssa and I could never figure out exactly why you just closed shop and quit.”

  Janine’s stomach jumped with guilt. Had she really quit with some attempt to take better control over her life with Jack? How pathetic. How strange.

  “Nancy’s Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa has been closed since her husband’s death,” Janine said softly. “And I think they could use someone like me. I just — I don’t want to get ahead of myself. And I don’t even know if Nancy would be up for something like that, you know? We certainly didn’t get along back in the old days. I don’t know what it would mean to work together.”

  “If she wasn’t up for it, you could always come back to the city and build your practice here again,” Maggie informed her. “You have all of your old patients and I’m sure they wouldn’t even hesitate to return to you if they found out you opened up again.”

  Again, Janine felt the massive shadow of Jack Potter, with Maxine alongside him. It was as though they now ruled Manhattan. Janine was only their tossed-away garbage.

  “Maybe,” Janine said. “I still think it’s too soon. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

  THE FOLLOWING DAY, around noon, Janine walked again toward the Katama Lodge and Wellness Spa. When she entered the foyer, she found Carmella behind the desk with a phone latched to her ear as she took furious notes.

  “Yes. We do have an opening next week on Thursday, but not until after two. Would you rather switch to Friday? Okay, perfect. Yes. See you then.”

  Carmella lifted a finger high as she set the date in the calendar. She then turned back toward Janine and delivered a bright smile.

  “HI! WELCOME TO KATAMA Lodge and Wellness Center.” A little wrinkle formed between her brows. “I think I remember you in here yesterday, right?”

  “That’s right,” Janine said as she pressed her hands against the cool wood of the antique desk.

  “But I didn’t have a chance to schedule you,” Carmella said.

  “I actually left in a hurry,” Janine explained. “But those women, your regulars, they really made me understand what this place was like in its glory days.”

  Carmella’s eyes fluttered around the room as though she was cast into a sea of memories. “It certainly was a wonderful, safe haven for so many,” she whispered. “I’m glad that we can offer at least a little bit of that after all that’s happened.”

  Janine’s heart thudded with apprehension. “I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

  Carmella arched an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

  “I haven’t been totally truthful. My name is Janine Potter. I’m— well, your step-sister.”

  Carmella’s lips parted slowly. Realization sparkled in her eyes. “I see. You’re Nancy’s daughter. Manhattan, right? Upper West Side?”

  “More money than God, in a previous life. Yes. That was me,” Janine offered.

  Carmella heaved a sigh. “You should have told me who you were yesterday.”

  “You were busy. I didn’t want to bother you.”

  “I guess you probably told your mom that I’ve reopened the acupuncture studio? Elsa wasn’t so happy about it, and I don’t think Nancy would be either if she knows about it,” Carmella continued.

  “I haven’t told her anything. My mother and I, well. We aren’t exactly good at telling each other things.”

  Carmella’s eyes grew shadowed. “I see.” She rolled her shoulders back. “I have to say, that surprises me. Nancy was always so open, with Elsa at least. They’re two peas in a pod.”

  “I’ve noticed that,” Janine offered. “It’s just as weird for me as it is for you, I bet.”

  Carmella glanced down at her calendar. “I don’t have another appointment for fifteen minutes. I could sit with you for a bit. Do you want a tea?”

  “No. I’ll be fine.”

  Janine and Carmella sat on the two overly cloud-like and cozy chairs to the right of the receptionist desk. They held the silence for a few seconds until Janine said, “I don’t know what you know about my previous life, but you should know it’s over. I don’t have much of anything right now. But it seems to me that my mother doesn’t, either.”

  The wrinkle between Carmella’s eyebrows deepened.

  “I’ve been trained in Naturopathic Medicine,” Janine continued. “I practiced for over a decade but then discontinued my practice. It’s one of my biggest regrets.”

  “I had no idea. Did you know your mother wo
rked here?”

  “No idea,” Janine echoed.

  “How strange that you were both drawn to the same type of work in health,” Carmella said.

  “It’s especially strange if you knew more about our past,” Janine murmured. “Although maybe there’s something to be said about us both craving the idea of being healed.”

  “Nancy never speaks about her time in New York,” Carmella commented. “Maybe Elsa knows more than I do. I’m sure Dad did, although he thought the world of Nancy. He would have never rubbed her nose in it. Whatever it was.”

  There was a mirror on the far end of the receptionist hall. Janine caught her own reflection and thought again how strangely she was dressed. Her Manhattan clothes just didn’t fly here. She wore slacks, a little t-shirt that highlighted her thin arms, and a pair of tennis shoes, which were comfortable for the longer walks she’d begun to take. Walks that had nothing to do with the frantic nature of the city and everything to do with the sweeping waves and the twittering birds and the glorious sky above.

  “Neal sounds like a remarkable man,” Janine said.

  “He was. But also, we had our problems. Quite a number of problems, in fact,” Carmella continued. “Maybe you’ve already noticed that my sister and I don’t exactly cling to each other. We haven’t spoken all week. I talk more with her daughter, Mallory, than I do with Elsa.”

  “Family problems. I know them well.”

  Carmella exhaled slowly. “So, you’re suggesting that in some way, you want to help reopen this place?”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m proposing,” Janine said, her voice was laced with assurance. She felt as though this new endeavor was her calling.

  “That’s what I want, too,” Carmella confided. “I miss it so much. Even back then, because Elsa and Nancy and I all had a common goal, we got along a whole lot better. Dad was in the mix, too. It just felt like we all belonged together, despite our little arguments. Now, we don’t have the central heartbeat of our family, which is this lodge. I have to do the acupuncture stuff to keep my head above water, but...”