Abandoned Breaths

by Alfa

  of a lioness.

  ~Queen of the Jungle

  Z E P H Y R

  107

  For so long,

  I believed in darkness,

  and darkness, alone.

  The black void that I had

  sentenced my heart to live

  had become my home.

  My refuge.

  It was safer that way,

  because when I

  allowed myself to feel,

  I did not have to open my eyes

  while swallowing darkness,

  - and I did not want to see

  what I was missing.

  ~Missing

  108 Abandoned

  Breaths

  My heart hurts for those

  that have been broken

  so badly, and are so

  inexplicably fractured,

  that they do not

  believe magic exists.

  How I wish they could

  feel my earth shift

  when he looks at me.

  Then they might…

  They might believe, again.

  ~Before he looked at me,

  I thought magic was an illusion.

  Z E P H Y R

  109

  Why do we hang on to the broken ones?

  The broken words - the ones never released.

  They are the ones you remember

  with absolute clarity.

  You can’t remember what you had

  for breakfast, but you will remember

  conversations and the cutting retort

  you never released…

  Those carefully rehearsed sentences

  take on a life of their own,

  cutting off your blood supply,

  and throbbing with arousal.

  They become bigger than life inside you,

  and grow more resentful with age.

  Until one day...one day you find a way

  to let them live outside of you.

  ~Letting go

  110 Abandoned

  Breaths

  The ‘past’ visits at night.

  Cloaked in alluring familiarity.

  It wraps seductive hands,

  disguised as diamonds, around

  my throat.

  The pain always comes draped in sighs

  dressed as memories - rousing my spirit.

  Waves of nostalgia knock the wind

  from a heart on lockdown.

  It is always at night, when my bedroom

  is the color of my inkwell, that I

  talk to the shadows waiting in the room.

  The walls creak and moan,

  laboring and gasping for breath…

  all the while absorbing my agony;

  storing it for another day.

  My ghosts feel more at home every day.

  ~Screaming

  Z E P H Y R

  111

  Every night is the same.

  I swathe myself in inky blackness,

  thinking it will distinguish

  the light burning in my soul.

  That

  is when

  the memories of you

  continue to illuminate your absence.

  ~Lights out

  112 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I’m saddened…

  because I wanted him to see

  the scrubbed face.

  The same one that has too much sun.

  I wanted him to see the woman behind the mask

  I wore for society to accept me.

  I wanted him to see beneath.

  So, when he called me beautiful,

  having known me for minutes,

  I knew he had no interest in my years.

  His hunger was superficial…

  and this soul needed

  deep appreciation.

  ~Raw

  Z E P H Y R

  113

  I found myself

  by looking in the mirror,

  and meeting

  a stolen soul,

  eye to eye.

  ~I was lost but now I’m found.

  114 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Sometimes

  it is the ones who love you

  with intentional ‘presence’

  who win your heart

  in the end.

  They are not driftwood,

  but are the docks

  you affix your soul to.

  ~Roped

  Z E P H Y R

  115

  I needed a man

  with tree trunk feet.

  Shallow roots would never do.

  ~Some people cannot go the distance.

  116 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I do not have the energy,

  nor the will,

  to fight with you,

  or against you,

  anymore.

  I am going to stand still,

  and let the war cries

  fly right past me.

  The battle may be far from over,

  but in my mind,

  I have already won this war.

  I will still be standing right here,

  safe and sound…

  when your heart gets tired of fighting,

  and seeks its way home.

  ~How long do you wait until your

  heart finally gives up?

  Z E P H Y R

  117

  Imagine how lovely

  humanity would be

  if we focused on making

  our souls beautiful,

  rather than our faces.

  ~Inner Care

  118 Abandoned

  Breaths

  We made it work for a little while.

  I take comfort in the fact that for a

  moment in time I had your attention,

  and the magic that held us entranced

  made us dance amidst fiery coals.

  Whatever the outcome, I will never

  regret taking your hand.

  The embers reflected in your eyes

  was worth it. The memories…worth it.

  The blisters on the soles of my feet…

  worth it.

  Our breaths dancing close…

  were worth it all.

  ~You are never alone if you have memories to hold you close.

  Z E P H Y R

  119

  … and every time you feel your heart

  s t r a i n i n g

  to beat to a rhythm that no longer exists,

  I hope it serves as a constant reminder of how it feels to lose something

  that was so precious,

  and taken for granted.

  ~Beats of Remorse

  120 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Emotions are pure

  when a person has everything to lose.

  Watch closely,

  and see what they are willing

  to fight for.

  You will know then

  what they are passionate about.

  ~Actions

  Z E P H Y R

  121

  Your words flow like salty winds,

  caressing my sweltering heart.

  What incantation

  have you bound me with

  as I try to stand,

  unable to move these sea legs

  at your approach.

  Surely you are half magician,

  half siren, as I watch you dance across

  the sands of time,

  and into my heart.

  ~I felt butterflies swarm my heart.

  122 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I never knew

  what magic felt like

  until you cupped my face

  in your hands

  for a full nine seconds

  before you kissed me.

  ~Nine seconds of Heaven

  Z E P H Y R

  123

  I sit back

&nbs
p; and I appraise the wreckage.

  It’s like that,

  after a storm blows through.

  You weigh what is salvageable

  against what is lost.

  And you hope you find

  your heart somewhere within

  the disarray…

  because it’s hard to rebuild

  when the foundation

  has been ripped away.

  ~Collision with no insurance.

  124 Abandoned

  Breaths

  He calls it changing your mind.

  I call it an intentional lie.

  He says priorities change.

  I say people get bored and move on.

  He says it is him,

  not me.

  I say people will justify their

  own wants…

  so they don’t have to stay.

  ~Abandoned

  Z E P H Y R

  125

  He did not seem to grasp,

  that if he would have

  stopped running,

  and looked around,

  I was right there.

  ~Always Right There

  4

  Exhalation

  E X H A L A T I O N

  129

  It is hard to read.

  I find myself refraining from trying to reach out, direct, or shake them silly.

  I’ve done it. I’ve done it all… a l r e a d y.

  Everything I read… I have done. I have lived it.

  I realize you are lost…

  in the same Universe I have travelled through.

  You will keep searching for the void that lives inside your chest, until amazingly you will find the salve years later, in the same place you became lost.

  The only thing you find on those journeys, those nomadic voyages you take to try to ‘understand’

  your purpose, and all of humanity

  and its breath you ache to feel….

  the only thing you discover about yourself

  out there is what really matters.

  And it’s not about where you have been,

  how drunk you stayed to aid the fears,

  the money you chased, or the acknowledgement

  of your craft.

  130 Abandoned

  Breaths

  The only thing that will be permanently etched after a lifetime of soul chasing, will be

  who you let ‘come’ and ‘go’ from your life.

  When you are close to death and holding hands with darkness, trying to make sense of it all

  for the last time, it is not another drink

  you will crave or another city you will long to explore.

  You will wish you would have loved more.

  Held more. Told more… L O V E D more.

  That is the regret that will gnaw. You will analyze the contents of your underused heart,

  and you will see it contains oceans of love

  that were never given away.

  ~Love more

  E X H A L A T I O N

  131

  I have always been hungry

  for something to fill me…

  to fill the void that lives

  deep within my chest.

  I walk around with this

  incredible ache… gnawing,

  growling.

  Demanding I give in

  and feed the craving

  holding me at gunpoint.

  The problem is,

  the only thing

  that looks appetizing…

  is him.

  ~Hungry

  132 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I turned to walk away

  and I heard you say

  my name…

  but I did not stop.

  I took another step away,

  and you said it again.

  This time with such

  affliction, my heart cracked

  just a bit.

  Then you reached for me,

  and I felt such yearning

  in your hands,

  that it was the last straw.

  I turned around and held your gaze,

  I was a goner.

  ~Yearning

  E X H A L A T I O N

  133

  Take some advice from a woman who was near death before she learned how to whistle:

  The world won’t celebrate your uniqueness.

  So get used to giving your soul

  high fives and ear splitting catcalls.

  ~Whistle

  134 Abandoned

  Breaths

  The air

  would bend

  when he left

  the room.

  ~Force

  E X H A L A T I O N

  135

  One day he told me

  I had vibrant eyes,

  and it had been so long

  since I had taken the time

  to look at them, that I

  ran to the mirror.

  I stood there, mesmerized

  by a creature I had

  forgotten existed.

  I had lovely eyes.

  ~Eyes

  136 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I know you miss me

  because that connection

  we had, is still there.

  I am choking on the cord.

  We are still attached,

  and , it hurts…

  ~Connection

  E X H A L A T I O N

  137

  I know you are feeling like

  you cannot possibly let it out.

  You do not want anyone to think

  you are crazy, so you bottle it up.

  You think surely no-one else

  could think the thoughts that

  swim through your mind…

  I have been swimming

  in the deep end,

  for a very long time.

  My limbs are cold

  and shriveled, and at times

  I am quite shaky,

  but I have learned to let it out,

  even if I come up coughing water.

  I let it out because drowning

  would be far too easy.

  ~Submerged

  138 Abandoned

  Breaths

  If you can find a way

  to make me feel

  your love tonight,

  then I will promise you

  tomorrow.

  ~Touch

  E X H A L A T I O N

  139

  This thing between us,

  this intense conversion

  of souls transforming

  into a single unit.

  It is quite daunting

  if you focus on the power involved.

  To witness two singular vessels

  intertwine is a miracle

  in itself, but to feel the

  tremble as they converge

  and latch on, is a euphoria

  unsurpassed.

  Nothing is Love’s equal.

  N o t h i n g.

  ~Latching

  140 Abandoned

  Breaths

  The faster she ran,

  the wind would whip

  and fuel her inner-reserve.

  She was not the kind

  of woman to stick around

  and wait for love to break her.

  She left while the

  memories were still

  something she wouldn’t

  mind sleeping with.

  She had learned the hard

  way that pain wasn’t

  good snuggle material.

  She liked her memories

  vibrant and full of life,

  like the soul

  she had painstakingly restored.

  No man would ever catch her.

  She ran fast.

  ~Runner

  E X H A L A T I O N

  141

  And the truth is,

  you run through my v
eins

  faster than any shooting star.

  ~Speed of light

  142 Abandoned

  Breaths

  You think all I live for is the bedtime

  romance, and to be swept off my feet.

  The reality is that I only want to know

  that I matter… beyond any shadow of

  a doubt. That is freeing in a way that

  is indescribable. It enables a person to

  give every last bit of the love that is aching to be set free.

  ~I matter

  E X H A L A T I O N

  143

  She had a faraway look

  in her eyes that begged

  for closer inspection.

  She could take you to

  faraway kingdoms with

  her well-traveled stare.