by Edie Claire
Wolf opened the door of his room, closed it behind him, and slumped against it. He stared at the ragtag assortment of gear, empty duffels, packing materials, and equipment cases he’d hauled out of the storage cabinet yesterday. He blew out a breath of frustration, irritated by the continued ache in his stomach. He was definitely working on an ulcer again. Besides which, he was bone-weary. He’d barely slept last night, or the nights before that. He glanced at his watch. His plane took off in exactly eight hours.
Something was seriously wrong with his brain. How could he have goofed off with Ri all day? He should have spent that time getting ready. Should have eaten every scrap of food he’d left in the kitchen, made an unhurried round of goodbyes, given Bella a nice farewell rubdown, then turned in early for a good night’s sleep. Instead he’d taken off early and come back later than expected, setting himself up for a heart attack when he’d returned to find the dog gate open and Bella missing. Twenty minutes later he’d found her, happy as a clam, sprawled on the hearth rug in the cabin of her proud new owner, Kenneth. But the panic had taken a year off Wolf’s life.
He’d managed only a quick round of goodbyes to his co-workers and a passable ear massage for Bella before handing her off into Kenneth’s capable hands. His uneaten groceries would be left to public consumption because he’d bought Ri both a picnic lunch and a nice dinner in Makawao instead. And since he hadn’t packed a damn thing since hauling out all this stuff, the good night’s sleep would be a hopeless cause.
He bucked himself up and reached for the first of his equipment cases. If he was going to get sloppier as the night wore on, he’d better do his own belongings last. Ri had offered to help but he had refused, claiming that packing was a one-man operation, and that he wanted her well-rested when she drove him to the airport. They were valid reasons, both of them. But mainly he’d wanted time alone to think.
Now he had it. And thinking made his gut ache.
He’d never admit it to Ri, or to anyone else on Maui. But he hated the road to Hana. He’d driven it once by himself — or part of it — and found it a living nightmare. The vistas were breathtaking for a passenger, but when it could be fatal for the driver to enjoy the same scenery, Wolf had trouble maintaining his enthusiasm. He preferred to relax and enjoy nature, not attempt to enjoy it while white-knuckling through blind hairpin turns around sheer cliffs in sometimes single-lane traffic with no guardrails. But apparently that was just him. Ri had lapped up every second of it. The drive hadn’t unnerved her, nor had she seemed frustrated that she couldn’t see everything she might have seen if she wasn’t behind the wheel. When he’d offered — at great personal sacrifice — to spell her, she’d turned him down flat. Ri had wanted to drive. She agreed that the experience was nerve-wracking, given that any mistake could send their truck careening several hundred feet down onto the black rocks below. But she’d insisted that was also what made it “so exciting!”
Wolf was still trying to wrap his head around that one. Some things about Ri would always befuddle him, but overall, he felt he was coming to understand her better. Looking back on their first misunderstanding in the grove, he felt uncomfortable that he’d even suggested a casual fling. If he’d known her better first, really comprehended where she was coming from and what she valued, he could have saved himself the awkward rejection — and her the disillusionment. They could have just stayed friends.
Oh, really?
Wolf frowned to himself as he methodically deconstructed his equipment and replaced the pieces in their packing slots. Okay, perhaps not. “Just friends” sounded wonderfully evolved, but there was no way he could ever look at that hot little body of Ri’s and not want her. Adamantly. Desperately. Ferociously.
Stop.
Still, he sought out her company. He tempered his desire because he knew that either coercing or tricking her into more than she wanted would hurt her. He spent time with her anyway because being separated from her mesmerizing eyes and her warm, mischievous smile would hurt him.
They had fun together, regardless. Their two painfully innocent, abbreviated make-out sessions had put them out of the friend zone without leading anywhere more satisfying, but he’d enjoyed them anyway. As free samples went, he thought with a smirk, no woman had ever presented a more compelling advertisement for herself. His smirk waned as he remembered he had no way of taking her up on that advertised offer. He would say goodbye to her tomorrow, thank her for a fantastic week in her company, and then forget about her. Preferably, as soon as possible.
What else could he do?
He would like to believe that they could be together again someday. But he couldn’t base his life on an expectation so improbable. Not when mourning over what he couldn’t have would make him miserable every day he spent alone in the meantime. Maybe Ri was free to move around the globe, but he was not. He had to stay in Alaska and finish his doctorate, and that would take years.
Still. What if Ri came to Alaska?
The ache in Wolf’s stomach receded a bit, and his heart skipped a beat. What if they did have the chance to try a real relationship? His hands stopped their mechanical actions and his teeth began to grind. Could it happen? The University of Fairbanks had a graduate program in marine biology, with research facilities all over the coast. But she couldn’t even start that for a year. She said she had to work first, to save some more money. And she wanted to get a job in her field.
He growled to himself. Plenty of marine biologists found work in Alaska during the summer tourist season, but Ri wouldn’t even be looking until fall, when nearly everything shut down. Besides, who the hell wanted to work in Alaska over the long, dark winter? With marine anything?
He was talking fantasy again. Even if Ri could find a decent job, housing costs in Alaska were almost as bad as Maui. Besides, his research kept him moving around all the time — there was no one place she could go where they could always be together. He wouldn’t want her to make a bad choice for her own career. And this was all supposing she even wanted to follow him to Alaska in the first place!
He was thinking crazy.
All his life he’d avoided so much as a steady girlfriend. He didn’t know how all the couple stuff worked, and he still wasn’t sure he wanted to. He was the last person in the world any sane woman would move across an ocean to be with.
He closed the first equipment case and moved to the second. He tried to think about something else, to plan out what he needed to do when he got back to Fairbanks, but his brain was too tired and the thoughts too boring. It was easier to think about the time he would spend in Anchorage first, visiting with his dad and his brother and the dogs. Bear had a couple days at home before his new job started, and his dad was taking off work so the three of them could hang out and relax for a few days. Frieda would bring home Wolf’s favorite barbecue, and they’d sit around the family room and reminisce…
He smiled to himself. Frieda would like Ri. Ri would like Frieda, too. He wished the two of them could meet.
Dammit! He was thinking about Ri again. He picked up the pace of his packing. If he didn’t get some sleep tonight, he’d be a walking corpse when he stepped off the airplane. It would be cool again at home, at least. That would be nice.
His mind flashed with an image of Ri in her bright yellow bikini. She’d looked incredibly sexy in Hana yesterday. She’d never been on a black-sand beach before, and she was fascinated by the look and feel of the dark, crushed lava crystals squishing between her toes. Under ordinary circumstances, the beach’s unique geological properties would have intrigued Wolf as well, but he was far more interested in the contrast between the warm yellow of the bikini fabric and the cool bronze tones of her skin. She’d found the shell of a Hawaiian spiny lobster and insisted he take her picture with it, adding a splash of brilliant blue and red to the image. They had frolicked on the shore like kids, explored the funky beach caves, and eaten their picnic lunch in the lush jungle shade on the cliffs above.
No wonder they�
�d lost track of time. No wonder he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He might as well stop trying.
Wolf moved to the next packing case, thinking about how happy it had made Ri when he’d let her snap selfies of them both by the waterfalls. She’d insisted they make goofy faces for Mei Lin, and he surprised himself by going along with it. He chuckled at the ghastly result. No, he wouldn’t fight the memories. Maybe they could help him get through this long, miserable night as painlessly as possible.
The forgetting could start tomorrow.
***
Ri kept blinking. Her eyeballs felt strangely dry, almost burning. The drive down the mountain had been dark, and they had passed a million pairs of headlights going the other way. She would have loved to be in any one of those vehicles headed uphill to see the sunrise. Instead she had been driving downhill into Kahului, where she would watch Wolf walk onto an airplane and out of her life.
For a little while, anyway, she corrected. She was trying very hard not to think negatively. But the way she felt this morning, even “a little while” was bad enough. Yesterday’s journey to Hana had been amazing. Every hour she spent with Wolf was amazing. But all those hours had come and gone, and now their time together was up. She didn’t know what else she could do. She didn’t know what else she could have done.
Wolf had tried to smile and be pleasant when he loaded up the truck in the frigid pre-dawn fog, but he had looked both sleep-deprived and miserable. She was hoping they could talk during the drive, but as soon as the truck started moving, his body had slumped against the window. And every other time she glanced at him, his eyes were shut.
Now, it was past time for speeches. She was pulling into the departures lane, and although Wolf was fully alert, he was hardly in the mood for a heart-to-heart. They’d run into a minor accident two miles from the airport that had traffic at a dead halt, and he had awakened to spend the next half hour in a state of high anxiety. They were both so tired and so depressed that they’d hardly said a word to each other all morning. And now he had to hop out and unload right away.
Ri spied an open stretch of curb and parked the truck. As she expected, Wolf set to work immediately. Within seconds, he had commandeered a wheeled cart and loaded his variously sized duffels, equipment bags, and instrument cases on top of it. Then he swung around to find her standing beside him.
He didn’t say anything. He simply reached out, pulled her to him, and held her tightly.
Ri breathed in the intoxicating scent of him. It was the smell of their Haleakala — the cool air, the fog, the pine, the earth, the man. She relaxed into his muscled form and reminded herself that this was chapter one, the beginning, and not the end. She’d hoped that he would come to care for her, and she was certain now that he did. His mind was still a mess, probably. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t hope. There was still a way it could all work out. She was sure of that, even if she couldn’t quite picture how. Sriha Mirini Sullivan was nothing if not a dreamer.
Wolf began to pull away from her, and her body tensed. She knew he had to go, or he would almost certainly miss his plane. But pulling away from him voluntarily required willpower she didn’t have.
“I’m sorry, Ri,” he whispered, raising a hand to caress her cheek. “And… Thank you. I…” Watching him search for words was painful. An announcement came over the PA system about some flight or other, and he visibly tensed. “I really need to—”
Ri reached up a hand to his lips. She wanted to kiss him again, but she decided against it. Better to leave him with the memory of her last, more enthusiastic effort. She felt too wretched now. “I know,” she whispered back. “But don’t say you’re sorry. Nothing’s over until it’s over, Wolf.” Her fingers moved up and tangled themselves in the wavy locks above his ear. Her eyes met his, and when she noticed the fine trace of moisture brimming at his base of his lids, she bagged her own resolution and kissed him softly on the lips.
“I could love you, you know,” she said as she pulled away. “I think I might already. Remember that.”
He stared back at her a moment, his face frozen in the same mask of conflicted agony she’d hoped her confession might ease a bit. But her words seemed only to stun him. He said nothing. He didn’t move.
Ri took a few steps backward toward the truck. “Goodbye, Wolf,” she forced out. Her voice was still quiet. But she said it with as much cheer as she could muster.
He snapped out his trance. “Goodbye, Ri,” he said in a muted voice. His face contorted into something that was probably meant to be a smile, but fell short. He turned around and wheeled the cart into the airport.
Ri stood on the curb a minute, watching him. He did not look over his shoulder.
Chapter 31
Anchorage, Alaska 2016
Wolf lay collapsed on the family room floor. He was starting to feel light-headed. Not only did his dog Suka have the whole front half of her body lying directly on top of his chest, but Tog was panting some seriously foul breath right over his face, contaminating what little air he had access to. Wolf laughed and rolled over onto his side, then broke into a fit of coughing. Suka barked pitifully and flopped off him onto the floor, then squirmed over to lick his face.
It felt good to laugh. Seeing his dad and his brother waiting for him in luggage claim at the Anchorage airport had been a much-needed pick-me-up, and being greeted so enthusiastically by the canine half of the family was another salve to his soul. Still, his laughter rang hollow in his own ears. It seemed forced somehow, and fake. Like spreading a layer of fresh paint over a rotting board.
“Guess they missed you a little bit,” Wolf’s father said with amusement.
“Just a little,” Bear agreed.
Tog barked in outrage; Suka was monopolizing Wolf’s face and the less dominant dog couldn’t get a lick in. Tog stretched out his muzzle and shoved his nose into the back of his master’s neck instead. Wolf was still laughing and coughing at the same time when Frieda came through the front door. “Good Lord, they’ve killed him,” she said cheerfully, walking past the spectacle with a huge bag slung over her arm.
The aroma struck Wolf the same moment it struck Suka and Tog. In a flash, the air cleared and Wolf was suddenly able to breathe again. The dogs had left him. They were following Frieda now, tails wagging and tongues lolling, as she made her way to the eat-in kitchen and set the bag down on the table.
The other men in the family room laughed out loud. “You lose!” Bear teased him. “They do love you, bro — just not quite as much as Frieda’s beef brisket.”
“And they’re not getting a bite of it,” Frieda said sternly, her hands planted on her hips. She was a plump woman with dark hair, bright blue eyes, and a ready smile, and as Wolf rose from the floor to greet her, he realized he’d missed her as much as her barbecue. “Good to see you, Frieda,” he said warmly, wrapping her in a hug.
“You too, Wolfman,” she returned, hugging him back. They’d come to a nice place eventually, he and Frieda, although it wasn’t like they’d ever been in a bad place. Wolf had always treated her respectfully and politely. But he knew that he didn’t treat her like Bear did, and that he never had, and that she noticed the difference. He treated her like a nice lady who made his dad happy, and over time he’d come to see her as a friend.
Bear treated her like a member of the family.
“What happened here?” Frieda exclaimed, looking at Wolf’s splinted hand.
“Don’t worry, he says the other guy looked worse,” Bear quipped.
Frieda tilted her head at Wolf with concern. “What? Fighting’s not like you! I don’t believe it.”
Wolf felt no particular need to defend himself, but apparently his brother did. “Now Frieda,” Bear cajoled, “he was defending a female, after all.”
Her blue eyes lit up instantly. “Really?”
Wolf threw his brother an eye roll. “A female dog,” he corrected. He’d let his dad fill Frieda in on the details later. As far as he was concerned, he
and The Beard were done. Wolf had been concerned that his inability to get back to Maui to testify would let the vandal off the hook and put the pit bulls’ safety at risk, but it turned out he needn’t have worried. When the police confronted The Beard about the smashed truck windows, not only did they find their suspect with a lacerated hand, they found themselves the victims of an assault. Wolf’s testimony would not be required to bring the man to justice, and the pit bulls had been reclaimed by an ex-wife.
“Let’s eat!” Nels broke in smoothly. “I’m starving. But you’d better feed those dogs first, Wolf, or we won’t get a minute’s peace.”
“We won’t anyway,” Bear chuckled, watching as Suka and Tog circled the table with excitement. “Not after they’ve smelled barbecue.”
“We’ll eat fast,” Frieda suggested, pulling some plates out of the cabinet. “Close the back door after them, Wolf. I don’t want them clawing up the screen.”
Wolf lured the dogs outside to their dinner bowls, fed them an extra helping of kibble — it was a celebration, after all — then shut the door as he was bid. Suka and Tog would be finished and whining in a matter of seconds, but the rest of the reunion would have to wait until after the human food was gone. His dad wasn’t the only one starving.
They ate in record time. Once Wolf was settled back onto the family room floor, his back leaning up against the couch with his stomach full and two dogs fighting over his lap, he felt as content as he had in days. The flight from Maui to Honolulu had been rough, but he must have slept soundly on the second leg to Anchorage because he remembered nothing of it. His spirits were slightly higher and his gut didn’t ache quite so much. It was nice to be home again, particularly with his brother around. They’d spent precious little time at the home base together since Bear had gone away to college.
Wolf relaxed as the family asked him a litany of questions about his time on Maui, and he surprised himself by answering all of them. He was in a talkative mood, for whatever reason, and he felt bad about how infrequently he’d called or texted. They knew he’d never been one to chit-chat on the phone, but still, he could have set a reminder to call every couple weeks. As much as he loved his family, he’d always sucked at long-distance communication.
