by Edie Claire
Yet another reason to forget about Ri.
But that process would have to wait until after his debriefing on Maui, evidently, because her name kept popping up. He’d thought about omitting her from his report altogether, but decided against it. Besides being dishonest, it would require too damn much effort. He knew that the sooner he managed to forget about Ri entirely, the better off he would be. But at the same time, he accepted that purging her from his system would not be easy. Better if he didn’t censor himself, perhaps, but let his thoughts flow where they might until he got over them.
“Tell us more about Ri,” Frieda suggested. She was sitting next to his father on the loveseat, snuggled in comfortably with her feet drawn up underneath her. There was a teasing tone in her voice that made Wolf tense. “What does she look like?”
Wolf found the question odd. But he didn’t object to answering it. Once his mind had conjured an image of Ri, he couldn’t help himself. He started with a glowing physical description and found himself struggling to keep it G-rated. Her features led to an explanation about her background, which in turn led to a lot more than he’d originally intended to say about her search for her ethnic heritage and her discovering a distant relative on the island who happened to be engaged to one of Wolf’s co-workers. But it was an interesting story and they were all looking at him as though they were fascinated… so he kept talking. He told them how excited she was about her internship and how she could have stood all day staring at the sleeping monk seal. He told them about how fabulous she was at reading out gas flux measurements and how nice it was to be with someone who appreciated the quiet. He told them how funny she was when she told stories about her childhood antics with her sister, how much she enjoyed his own ridiculous stories about himself and Bear, and how much fun she was to be with under any circumstances. And then he realized that no one else in the room had said anything for quite some time.
He decided he would stop talking. But still, no one said anything. They were all looking at him with bizarre, unreadable expressions on their faces. Wolf leaned down and buried his face in a dog.
“Is she coming up to Alaska for a visit sometime?” Frieda asked finally.
Wolf’s chin snapped up. “A visit? Not that I know of. Why?”
Frieda’s thin eyebrows lifted. She turned her head to look at Bear. Bear caught his stepmother’s eye and shook his blond head sadly, sighing with an obnoxious, knowing smirk.
“What?” Wolf demanded, feeling an unwelcome heat rise up in his chest.
“You have no plans to see this woman again?” Bear asked with disbelief, his tone ever-so-slightly patronizing.
“Why would I?” Wolf answered, his voice rising. His know-it-all little brother excelled at pushing his buttons, but he was in no mood. Not with Ri as the subject.
Nels Markov looked confused. “Now, wait a minute. Calm down, Wolf.” He sat forward and looked from his wife to Bear. “What are you two getting at?”
As far as Wolf was concerned, he was calm. “Yes, please,” he said calmly. “What are you getting at?”
Bear smiled a smile that was aggravatingly smug. “Nothing at all, big brother. Nothing at all. Obviously, this Ri isn’t that special a person. Just one woman among many. One more notch—”
“Bear! Stop!” Frieda said firmly, interrupting the statement just as Wolf became uncalm. She turned to the older brother with a conciliatory smile. “I’m sorry if I misread you. It just seemed like, the way you’ve been talking about this woman all evening, that maybe you had real feelings for her. That’s all.”
Wolf’s face felt like it was aflame. He had been talking about Ri a lot, yes, but… Frieda couldn’t know how he felt. What he felt. And Bear… who did they think they were?
“Oh,” his father exclaimed.
“Way to catch on, Dad,” Bear stage-whispered.
Wolf had wanted to kill his little brother many, many times. But the urge had rarely been stronger than now.
“Well, obviously, you were wrong!” Wolf heard himself say. He was pulling words straight out of his hind end now. “If I was in love with her, I wouldn’t have left her there, would I? But it’s not like that. I only knew the woman a couple of days! I don’t know what you think you’re seeing or hearing, but it’s all in your own minds. We said goodbye and I left and that’s the end of it! Can we talk about something else now?”
Three stunned faces blinked back at him. Only then did Wolf realize he was shouting.
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily, moving the dogs off his lap and scrambling to his feet. “I need a walk.”
He strode toward the front door, the dogs at his heels. He grabbed their leashes and banged outside.
***
Forty-five minutes later, Wolf quietly let himself and the dogs in the back door. He was cold. He’d left the house without a coat. May in Anchorage wasn’t winter, but the evenings weren’t what you’d call balmy, either, particularly not with cloudy skies and occasional drizzle.
The dogs’ tails wagged amicably despite his foul mood, and he smiled at their unconditional acceptance. This is why he loved dogs. He never had to answer to them. They never asked any questions.
He could hear the television blaring in the family room. Frieda had trouble hearing in one ear, and the volume was always a little too loud for everyone else. Perfect. Perhaps if they were absorbed enough in their show they’d let him slip up the steps without waylaying him.
All he wanted now was to take a hot shower and go to bed. He felt badly for shouting at them earlier and he did plan to apologize — at least to Frieda, whom he knew hadn’t meant to upset him. But despite the brisk walk in the wet and the cold, his head was as muddled as ever and he had no idea how to explain himself. It would be best for everybody if he slept first.
He made it up the steps and into his room. But just as he grabbed his stuff and headed for the shower, Bear’s lanky silhouette darkened his doorway.
“Hey, there,” his brother said mildly. “How was the walk?”
Wolf let out a gruff exhale. “Fine. I’m tired.”
“I can see that.” Bear stood with his hands in his pockets, leaning against the doorframe with his legs crossed at the ankle. He studied Wolf with a pensive expression.
Wolf straightened as if ready to leave the room, but Bear made no move to get out of his way. “Did you want something?” Wolf grumbled, getting irritated all over again.
“I shouldn’t have made fun of you,” Bear replied, looking his brother straight in the eye. “That was a mistake. You caught me off guard, and I was happy for you, that’s all.”
Wolf was on the verge of feeling dizzy. Bear had lost his mind. “Happy for me?”
Bear nodded. “I was beginning to think no woman would ever get through that mile-thick hide of yours. But it sounds like this one did. And you’ve only known her a matter of days, you said? That’s some pretty impressive stuff, bro. I’d say she’s worked a miracle.”
Wolf looked at his brother’s smile with disbelief. “Did I miss something? Was I passed out for part of that conversation? I told you I met a woman and we had some fun together. But I’m here now and she’s there and I’m never going to see her again!” He realized his voice was rising again, but he didn’t care. He threw his stuff back down on the bed. “How the hell do you get ‘happy’ out of that?”
Bear kept standing there, staring at him. “Did she end it, or did you?”
Wolf raised his hands in the air with a groan. “End what? There was nothing to end!”
“So it never really got started, then,” Bear yapped on.
“Get out of my way,” Wolf growled, grabbing his stuff again. “This is a pointless conversation. You’re not listening.”
Bear stood up straight. “I heard you say you loved her.”
Wolf stopped short. His heart thudded painfully in his chest. No. He had not said that. “I did not!” he protested.
“Oh yes, you did,” Bear argued. “When you weren’t th
inking about your words, it slipped right out. You said, ‘If I was in love with her, I wouldn’t have left her there.’”
Wolf closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, the way he used to when he was a teenager contemplating fratricide. “I did leave her there,” he reminded.
“You had no choice about leaving her,” Bear replied, undeterred. “But you do love her. That’s why you feel the way you feel right now. Like you want to yell and pound and scream and cry and grab me by the shirt and beat the frickin’ crap out of me. Because it hurts so damn much.”
Wolf’s reaching hands stopped in mid air. Something inside him crumpled. The heat of his anger morphed into a hollow, aching cavern. His gut burned.
“It’s not the end of the world, though,” Bear added gently. “Doesn’t sound like it has to be the end of anything. But you’ve got to get real. You’ve got to quit running scared.”
Wolf looked his brother in the eye. Bear had wound up an inch taller, which was irritating. Usually the younger brother slouched so much that their eyes were level, but right now Bear was standing tall and forcing Wolf to look up at him. “I’m not scared of anything.”
Bear crossed his arms over his chest. He shook his head slowly. “Not much. Just giving some woman a little power over you, that’s all.”
Wolf was genuinely confused. “Power?”
Bear sighed. “You want me to say it? It’s hard to do without sounding sappy, but fine. What you’re scared of is getting your heart broken.”
Wolf’s muscles tensed. He couldn’t help but notice that Bear stiffened also, obviously in defense. The kid had a lot of nerve acting scared. Wolf had never hit him. Ever. No matter how much he deserved it.
“You think it’s the worst thing in the world, but it’s not,” Bear continued quickly. “It’s happened to me too many times to count, and I’m still standing! Dad had it rough for a while, but he survived. We all survive.”
“You just said it hurts like hell!” Wolf railed.
“It does!” Bear shouted back. “But it’s worth it! Don’t you get that? You’ll never get to the good stuff if you’re too much of a coward to face the bad!”
Wolf’s anger roared back. Heat rose in his chest like a boiling cauldron, pulsing outward. “What good stuff? Where’s your loyal woman, Bear? Everything you’ve been through, and what have you got to show for it? Nothing! And as for Dad, women made his life miserable, and you know it! Or at least, you ought to know it!” His mind flashed with images of a little boy in pajamas, crying in his bed.
“Wake up, dammit!” Bear thundered, using a commanding voice that was completely unfamiliar. Wolf’s little-boy memories were replaced with a real-time image of a strong, passionate young man determined to make a point. “Open your eyes and look around you! Dad and Frieda have been happily married for ten damn years! Longer than our own parents ever even knew each other! Frieda isn’t going anywhere, Wolfie! Frieda is staying!”
Bear’s blue eyes seem to pierce all the way through Wolf’s brain and out of the back of his skull. The heat in his body dissipated. All at once he felt laid bare. Ignorant. Bested.
And he was still angry.
“You handle your life however you want,” he said in a low voice. “I’ll handle mine. Now, move.”
Bear let out a breath. His stance relaxed. “Okay, big brother,” he said easily, withdrawing from the doorway. “But I’m going to ask you one more question. And you can think about this one for a while.”
Wolf pushed past him and stomped toward the shower.
“Do you really think Dad would be happier today,” Bear called out to Wolf’s retreating form, “if he’d spent the last ten years screwing around with women he didn’t care about?”
Chapter 32
Maui, Hawaii, 2016
Ri was walking out of her office and toward the Ma'alaea marina when her phone buzzed with her sister’s ringtone. It was Friday. Ri had put in long hours all week at a rented computer indoors, and though she enjoyed the work, she missed the sun on her face and the breeze on her skin. In the few minutes she had after work and before the bus came, she’d taken to leaning up against a palm and enjoying the ocean view. Living in the moment and relishing the sensory experience of Hawaii was what kept her going these days. Being near the ocean, admiring its creatures, and marveling at its vastness could always buoy her spirits.
She pulled out her phone and answered, settled against the nearest palm. It was a camera call. “Hi, Mei,” she said cheerfully.
“Hi,” her sister answered. Her voice was strange. Ri looked down to see that Mei Lin was in her childhood room at their parents’ house, lying on the bed. That was odd, since Mei Lin still lived with a roommate in an apartment only twenty minutes away, near the hospital where she worked in Portland.
“Are you sick?” Ri asked quickly. This weekend was her sister’s big move to Texas. The whole family should be frantically checking tire gauges and taping up boxes. It was a long drive, and they were caravanning with the family car, a rental trailer, and Mei Lin’s car, as well as with Josh and all his stuff.
“No,” Mei Lin said quietly. She pulled the phone close to her face and looked into the camera. “Let me see the ocean.”
Ri turned her phone so that the camera took in a sweeping view of the harbor, then across the bay to the heights of Haleakala.
“It’s so beautiful,” Ri heard Mei Lin say, her voice melancholy. “You must love it there.”
Ri pulled the phone back and looked into her sister’s face. Much passed between them without explanation. But Mei Lin had called to talk. “Tell me,” Ri said gently.
Mei Lin’s beautiful, dark eyes watered. “Yesterday I got a call from the hospital in Texas. The starting date on my contract has been pushed back from June until September.”
“Oh, no,” Ri sympathized, knowing there was more.
“I called my boss here right away and asked if I could stay on through the summer, and she said yes, they’d be glad to have me. The lease on my apartment runs out at the end of the month, but I figured I could just commute from home until September. That way I could still help Josh with the rent on the place in Texas.”
Ri watched miserably as a tear slid down her sister’s cheek.
“But when I told Josh, he totally flipped out. He said I needed to be in Texas, that he needed me to cook and take care of the apartment and everything. And that if I couldn’t find a nursing job down there, I could work fast food or something over the summer. And then he said that all that really mattered was that we were together.”
And he said it in that order, Ri surmised. Her stomach threatened to heave, but she refrained from saying anything.
“He went on and on after that,” Mei Lin said in a dull voice, “about how much I meant to him, and how much he would miss me, and how sorry he was about the way he made everything sound. But you know what?”
The question was rhetorical, and Ri said nothing. But her fingers were crossed.
“I didn’t believe him.”
Yes! Ri wanted to drop-kick the phone and do a victory dance, but once again, she managed to refrain.
“I think he was telling the truth the first time,” Mei Lin went on. “He was mad because he was losing a cook and a housekeeper and a bedmate. He couldn’t care less about what was best for me. Whether I wanted to flip burgers for three months, take a pay cut, screw up my resume, lose my professional momentum. It was all about him. It’s always all about him.”
Ri could contain herself no longer. “I think you’re right.”
Mei Lin frowned at her. “You think the same as Mom and Dad, don’t you? That he’s changed over time. That’s he gotten complacent and that he’s taking advantage of my good nature. That he doesn’t appreciate me. That he doesn’t love me for who I really am, because he hasn’t made the effort to — wait, let me make sure I’m quoting Thera-Mom correctly here — ‘know and embrace the whole width and depth of my unique character?’”
Ri chuckled
softly. “Ah, yes. That sounds familiar.”
Mei Lin sighed. “She’s right, Ri. I know she’s right. She’s been right all along, and Dad too, but it’s just so irritating, you know?”
Ri nodded. “I know.”
“I’ve been aware of what’s been happening with Josh. But you know me — I always want to see the best in people.”
“I really thought you were happy with him, Mei,” Ri admitted, feeling a little confused. “You never said a word otherwise.”
“I’m a happy person,” Mei Lin said with glum irony. “Easy to please. Which is usually great, but when it comes to picking a guy…” She paused and chuckled at herself. “Well, I guess I set the bar too low. Everything was good in the beginning. But once I had that ring on my finger, it was like he thought he didn’t have to be nice to me anymore. But I was happy enough, and I told myself that things would get better in Texas. I had so much time invested in the relationship… so much of my heart… I wanted to give it the summer, at least.”
Ri crossed her fingers again.
“But I can’t,” Mei Lin said with finality. “There is no hope. Marrying him would be a disaster. Even moving to Texas and seeing how it goes would be a mistake. I’m cutting my losses, Ri. We’re done. That’s it.”
Ri turned her face to the sky. It seemed as though a chorus of angels had broken forth into song.
“Oh, my God!” Mei Lin squealed.
“What?” Ri asked, concerned.
“Do you have to look so freakin’ happy?”
Uh-oh. Ri forgot she was on camera. “I’m sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I’m sorry he hurt you, Mei. But I’m not sorry you broke up. He treated you badly and he didn’t begin to deserve you and I know you’ll be happier with someone else. Does that make me a horrible sister?”
To her relief, Mei Lin smiled. It was her regular, dimple-making smile. “No. You’re the best sister ever, weirdo.”
