110-Million Bride

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “Why do you look happy about this?! Forget it. There’s no reason I should go, is there? If you want to go, take Megumin along. The monster shows up, she drops an Explosion on it, and you’re done, right? If that doesn’t do the trick, you can just run away. ‘Hydra’ sounds like a subspecies of dragon. I bet it’s covered in tough scales. A feeble Adventurer like me couldn’t—”

  I stopped midsentence. Not because Darkness was angry or because she was attacking me. Instead, she had gone completely silent and gloomy, and I found myself lost for words.

  Was she really so eager to kill this monster?

  “A-are you absolutely sure you won’t help me?”

  She knelt on the ground in front of me and gazed at me with tremendous sadness.

  The old break-down-and-cry method. You know, maybe she had learned something about how to get what she wanted.

  7

  About a half day’s journey south from Axel was a small mountain. We arrived at the foot to find a lake spreading out before us, the water a muddy green color.

  “Hey,” I said, “come to think of it… What do we do if we can’t defeat the hydra? If our attacks don’t work on it, then worst-case scenario, we’ve taken a monster who was being perfectly quiet and ticked it off.”

  “No! Noooooo!” Aqua cried.

  Darkness, however, answered, “Don’t worry about that. Whenever there’s been trouble with a Kowloon Hydra in the past, the military came out and surrounded it and just let it rampage until it ran out of MP and went back to sleep. Given the current circumstances, I expect a detachment of knights from the capital should be showing up anytime.”

  “Noooo! I don’t want to deal with any hydras! Why are you so interested in this reward anyway, Darkness? Was Kazuma right? Is your family really that poor? Let’s go home! I’ll smash open my piggy bank and lend you some money! Please let that be enough!”

  I see. So even if we screw up, there will still be a bunch of knights to cover for us.

  “I take it the problem is that the hydra woke up earlier than expected,” I said. “And even if those knights can put the thing back to sleep, they won’t be able to actually kill it, so it doesn’t solve the root problem at all. That’s why they wanted me, the defeater of so many powerful foes, to come and help.”

  “Let me go home! Pleeease let me go home! I’ve got the worst feeling about this!”

  It seemed to me that if help was on the way, it would make sense just to wait for them and then work together to defeat the monster. Why was Darkness in such a hurry to slay this hydra?

  It was then that Megumin, practically bubbling with excitement, removed the patch from her eye and laughed.

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Shall I have you leave things to me this time? A subspecies the hydra may be, but it’s still a variety of dragon! When I destroy it, I can boldly proclaim myself Dragonslayer! My desire for this sobriquet once led me to explode a wyvern, another type of small dragon, but for some reason—perhaps because I was just a child—it was not counted among the monsters I’ve defeated. This time I shall earn the nickname Dragonslayer!”

  “When Emperor Zel hatches, we’ll have a dragon in the house—and you want to be known as a person who kills them?! Hey, Megumin, let’s drop this! I’m sure Zel would never let you ride him if you were a dragon slayer. Come on, come home with me!”

  I nodded at Megumin’s brave declaration, then looked out into the middle of the lake.

  “Okay, then. First we have to—”

  “I need to hurry home and watch to see when Zel is born! Waaaaaah!”

  I finally got sick of Aqua’s incessant whining. “Don’t you ever shut up?! It takes at least twenty days for a chick to hatch; you’ve got plenty of time! Now give it up already. If you leave, how are we going to wake the hydra?”

  “Why do you think a chick would hatch from a dragon egg? And why did I have to leave my precious Emperor Zel somewhere like that anyway?” At the moment, Aqua’s egg was at Wiz’s shop.

  “What were we going to do? There’s no one else stupid enough to take us up on just watching an egg to see if it hatches. If we asked any of the adventurers we know, they would probably have eaten it by the time we got back.”

  Having said that, I did notice Wiz drooling a bit when we dropped the egg off with her.

  “But! But! I’m afraid leaving poor Zel with a Lich and a demon will have a weird effect on him! Dragon parents spend a long time carefully nursing their eggs, you know. It helps the children gain exceptional magic power or take on their parents’ elemental affinities! I want my little Zel to be born a holy White Dragon. What if their dark powers get to him and he comes out as a Black Dragon instead?!”

  “Then you would end up with a black-colored chick. If you’re that worried about it, then help us beat down this hydra in a hurry so we can all go home. If Megumin’s magic doesn’t do the trick, we won’t have many other options aside from getting the hell out of here.”

  I must have finally convinced Aqua, because she calmed down a bit. Darkness drew her great sword.

  “All right,” she said, “everyone ready? Get us started, Aqua!”

  The plan was brilliantly simple. Most water-dwelling monsters hate pure water. That meant an opportunity for Aqua’s normally bizarre and useless powers.

  “Okay, fine. Not that I object to purifying water as such. I’ll be right back, then! If Megumin’s explosion doesn’t work, we run right back home, okay?”

  Then, as quick as a wink, she jumped into the murky lake. She swam around, splashed, flopped a little.

  Watching from shore, Megumin muttered, “Is that how purification works? She’s not just playing in the water because she’s hot, is she?”

  She was right; from where we were standing, it looked a lot like some kid just playing around, but I was pretty sure this was exactly how the plan was supposed to go.

  We looked on as Aqua, perhaps tired from purifying such a large lake, closed her eyes and just floated on the water.

  “Hey, Kazuma,” Darkness said. “Aqua’s taking a nap right over where our monster is sleeping. Is that safe? Speaking of which, I’ve always wondered—how is Aqua able to purify water like that without even doing a chant or anything?”

  “She claims it’s because she’s a water goddess,” I said. As usual, though, both of the other girls seemed to let this possibility go in one ear and out the other.

  As we chatted, the breeze blew the water goddess ever closer to the middle of the lake. It was probably a little late to be wondering if we should have attached a string to her or something.

  The three of us had stopped feeling so anxious about the surreal scene, even yawning a little, when it happened. A few small ripples ran across the surface of the lake. Megumin had started to nod off, but now her eyes snapped open.

  “Oh…! It’s here! Here it comes! I feel an incredible magical power! It’s coming from the bottom of the lake!”

  No sooner had she spoken than a massive shadow appeared underneath Aqua, who was still asleep. Something very, very large was floating to the surface.

  “How long do you plan to nap for, Aqua?! Wake up! It’s right beneath you! Megumin can’t let off her spell with you floating there!”

  My shouting woke up Aqua. She started treading water with remarkable facility for someone who had been asleep just a moment before. She yawned and looked around. Then, finally grasping the situation, she started swimming toward us in a hurry.

  “Hey, that thing’s a lot bigger than we were told!” I called. “The flyer said it was the size of a large commoner’s house—but that thing’s bigger than our mansion!”

  As the shadow in the lake grew larger and larger, Darkness’s and Megumin’s frowns got deeper and deeper. The whole size-of-a-house thing was what had made us think Megumin might be able to handle it with her Explosion. But at this size, there was no way a single strike was going to do it in.

  “K-Kazuma! Kazumaaaaa! Something reeeeally big is coming right for me!
”

  The shadow finally became a recognizable silhouette, eight heads clearly visible beneath the water. And all of them were reaching for Aqua!

  “Here it comes! Megumin, get the boom ready! Darkness, take up a guard position in front of her, just in case! I’m going to keep back and make sure we have an escape route ready!”

  “Leave the protection to me! But there aren’t any other monsters around, so I don’t think we need anyone to secure an escape route!”

  “It’s a b-b-bit b-bigger than I imagined, b-but I’m s-s-sure my explosive firepower can take care of it in one shot! I’ll fry every living thing in this lake!”

  “I don’t care what you fry—just do it! Do it!”

  As we ran around in confusion, the creature appeared.

  Ahh…

  All my success recently had led me to underestimate these big-game bounties.

  The eight heads and eight long necks came rising out of the lake, dripping water.

  “—! —!!”

  The hydra’s howl, a sound beyond description, cut through the air. It wasn’t even all the way out of the water yet, and it already looked like a small island.

  Staring vacantly at the heads leering down at me from high in the sky, I muttered:

  “I think we’d better forget this one.”

  Chapter 2

  May There Be Eternal Slumber for the Lord of the Lake!

  1

  “O Kazuma! Death should not have taken thee!”

  I found myself in an all-too-familiar white room. As I opened my eyes, I saw that the upbeat voice belonged to Eris. She could be surprisingly saucy. And actually, she seemed to know a lot about Japan.

  “…You’re in high spirits, Lady Eris.”

  “Sorry. It’s just that everybody says that, and I wanted to try it once.” She gave me a mischievous wink. To see a real goddess, with her unearthly beauty, do something so cute was practically enough to make me hyperventilate.

  Next, however, she scratched her cheek and looked a bit distressed. “Still, Kazuma, getting sent here doesn’t even seem to faze you anymore. Let’s see… Your friends are all okay. They’ve escaped the hydra and gotten somewhere safe. As far as your corpse, Darkness deliberately got herself eaten by the hydra and somehow managed to retrieve it.”

  Now, this was a goddess who knew what she was doing. She had calmed all my fears before I even had a chance to voice them.

  “Deliberately got herself eaten? God, she doesn’t know when to quit, does she?”

  After the monster had woken up, we’d somehow collected Aqua, and then Megumin had let loose with her Explosion.

  Which was great, as far as it went.

  “I don’t think that’s very fair, do you?” I found myself complaining to Eris. “Growing back its lost heads? I mean, really?”

  That’s right: Megumin’s blast blew off several of the hydra’s heads, but it magically regenerated them and then went on as if nothing had happened.

  There was another question, too…

  “What kind of shape is my body in after being eaten by a hydra? I’m pretty sure I can’t be resurrected if the injuries are too extensive…”

  And that would be the end of me.

  “Let’s…see… Yes! It’s all right! You can be resurrected! Only about thirty percent of your body is missing. That should be workable!”

  Maybe I would have been happier not knowing.

  “…G-great…!” I wilted a little.

  Eris looked at me pleadingly. “When you get back, don’t be too hard on Darkness, okay? I know she was the one who pushed you to fight this monster, but…she had her reasons—I promise. So… She’s absolutely racked with guilt over your death; she’s really in shock. Not as much as you, having just died and all, but still…”

  She looked very worried as she tried to console me.

  ………

  She really is a sweetheart…

  I tried to think. Did I have anyone like this in my life? Wiz? Yunyun?

  No, they were both very nice, but Lady Eris gave me this overwhelming sense of security, like an embrace.

  “Don’t worry—I won’t shout at her,” I said. “Say, Lady Eris, you told me once that you occasionally come down to the mortal plane to have a little fun. Do you ever happen to come by Axel? I’m always a little sorry that the only time we get to see each other is when I’ve just died…”

  Eris held back a giggle. “We’ve met each other repeatedly in the mortal realm. I think it’s about time you put two and two together. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed that you haven’t yet.” She sounded so teasing.

  * * *

  …Wha…?

  “Wait, what did you just say? That I have met you? You mean, like, in Axel? Wha…? What?”

  Even with this little hint, I couldn’t quite seem to grasp it. I had already met her? Repeatedly?

  When? Where? Who had I seen who might fit the bill?

  Watching me fret, Eris couldn’t hold back a little laughter.

  “Okay, let me give you a clue. Down there, I don’t look the way I do now. I’m a little more lively, and I don’t even speak exactly the same way.”

  A different appearance, livelier, and a different way of speaking…?

  “And I may be a goddess, but don’t use Aqua as a point of reference—not all goddesses end up as Arch-priests…”

  I hardly let her finish before I exclaimed, “Oh, I’ve got it! You’re Maris, aren’t you? The one who broke Keith’s nose when he was all, ‘I guess it’s true that the size of an Eris priest’s chest is inversely proportional to her faith!’”

  Eris started laughing again. “No, I’m afraid not.”

  Huh?

  No, wait, it has to be—!

  “Seris! The one who teamed up with Darkness to give Dust a beating after he was like, ‘I heard the goddess Eris pads her bra—I bet an Eris priest with big boobs would be in for some divine intervention! Are those even real? If you two aren’t using padding, you’d better prove it to me right now—off with those shirts!’”

  “Wrong again.” Eris was still smiling, but I thought I could sense a hint of anger, too.

  But if she wasn’t Maris and she wasn’t Seris, then who…?

  Just as I was starting to sweat, Aqua, with her impeccable ability to spoil a moment, started shouting:

  “Kazuma! Kazumaaaa! The resurrection’s all set! Hurry up and get back here! Darkness is really depressed, and she smells funny! Come on—hurry up!”

  It bugged me a little that Darkness was feeling down, but I had more important things to attend to right now.

  Having said that, I was also totally out of ideas. “Lady Eris, I give! I give up; I’m sorry! Please tell me the answer; I’m begging you! Otherwise, what if I accidentally do something rude to you without knowing it and end up incurring your wrath?”

  Eris looked like she couldn’t quite decide what to do. “Something rude? Wrath? I think it’s a little late to be worrying about that, after what you did to me the first time we met…”

  “Huh?”

  “Nothing, nothing. My true manifestation is a secret.” She pointed meaningfully at herself. “And while we’re at it, don’t believe everything my senior goddess says to you, okay? I’m not w-wearing any pads, at least not right now!” She patted her chest for emphasis, blushing just a little.

  Then the white door I knew so well appeared in front of me. I started to panic slightly. She still hadn’t told me who she was on the mortal plane!

  Completely ignoring my plight, the door began to open, a bright light shining from within…

  “H-hey! Lady Eris, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you mad! I didn’t mean for you to sulk! I honestly don’t care about the size of your chest, I swear!”

  “Farewell, Mr. Kazuma Satou! I certainly hope the next time you see me here, you’ll have figured out who I am. Bye-bye, now! Have a safe trip!”

  Eris’s cheeks were still red, and she refused to tell me the answer t
o the bitter end. But the crimson color in her skin made me notice something: a white line on her right cheek.

  “Huh? Lady Eris, there’s something on your ch—”

  I didn’t get to finish my sentence before she shoved me through the cold, unfeeling gate.

  2

  “Welgome bag, Gazuma!”

  I opened my eyes to see Aqua holding her nose.

  The reek that suddenly assaulted me caused me to jump to my feet. “Holy—! It stinks in here!”

  There was a sour, fishy smell, and it was coming from…

  “Me?! Is my body making that stench?!”

  I guess when you spend enough time in the stomach of a hydra, you start to smell like it.

  Then something else dawned on me: No one would meet my gaze. And that, in turn, led me to another revelation. I was stark naked.

  “My clothes dissolved, huh…?”

  “Yes, they did. Would you cover yourself already? Anyway, Kazuma, there’s so little of you left that we should call you Kid-zuma for a while. Your armor is done for. That sword of yours, the one with the weird name—it’s still here, but the scabbard is gone.”

  “I shall not stand idly by while you belittle the name I bestowed upon that sword!”

  Megumin was all over Aqua. I ignored them, taking up the bare katana that was left.

  “And what are you so upset about?” I asked.

  Darkness was over in the corner with her knees up to her chest, looking downcast; she smelled as bad as I did and was no more popular because of it. She shuddered when I spoke and looked at me apologetically.

  “Aren’t you angry with me for forcing us into that fight?”

  “Why the heck would I be angry with you? Yeah, you were the one who was all excited to go for it, but it’s not like we aren’t used to fighting the Demon King’s generals and big game…or me dying.”

  “That’s true, I guess…” This seemed to throw the normally straightforward Darkness off her rhythm.

  “That wasn’t like you,” I said. “I heard from Lady Eris how you got yourself eaten by the hydra just to help me. Heck, I can see you’ve got blood specks here and there. Are you okay? You don’t look too dissolved.”