110-Million Bride

by Natsume Akatsuki

  She sighed, even as Aqua wandered up and cast Heal on her. When Darkness finally had her armor off, she thanked Aqua and then headed for the bath.

  “…Hey, Kazuma,” Aqua said, “can you really not think of any ideas of how to score a quick victory over that hydra? You’re so weak, but your redeeming features are your wide range of not very valuable skills and the way you can think of a dirty trick to get out of any situation.”

  “Oh, hey, something just came to me. First we tie you up in chains, and then we throw you into the lake. When the hydra swallows you, we get a whole bunch of adventurers to pull on the chains and fish it up. Then we make sure it can’t get back in the water and beat the stuffing out of it. What do you think?”

  ““……””

  Aqua launched herself at me, but I grabbed her egg and held it hostage until she calmed down.

  “Personally,” Megumin said, “I don’t have any problem with it, given that I can make use of my Explosion. But don’t you think Darkness has been acting a bit strange lately?”

  She looked in the direction of the bath, where Darkness had retreated.

  “…Phew. …? Uh, Kazuma, what are you doing to my armor?”

  When Darkness came back from her bath, she found me crouched next to her armor. Megumin was sitting beside me, watching me work.

  “I’m fixing it. It was all beat up when you came home today. You know how rainy it’s been recently. I’ve been looking for stuff I can do here at home.” I worked out the dents in the armor with a mallet, using my Smith skill for the first time in a while.

  Darkness almost seemed to turn shy. “You know, I remember you fixing my armor on the road when we went to the hot springs together, too.” She paused. “I’d like it if we could all go back there again.”

  “Not me,” I said. “I can’t stand that town. Those people are nuttier than Megumin.”

  “Hey! I shall have you tell me what kind of nuts we are talking about!”

  I shoved her away—I was trying to work, here—as Darkness looked on in amusement.

  “Yeah, but…even so, I wouldn’t mind,” she murmured. Her words seemed to carry a deeper meaning.

  Some time later…

  “Kazuma, she’s not here! When I went to wake her up, her room was empty!”

  “Ohhh, that Crusader! I explicitly told her not to go to that lake anymore. Why must she be such a terrible listener?!”

  Darkness, who had told Megumin it was too dangerous to bring along any companions, had started going to the hydra’s lair on her own each day. She ignored our attempts to stop her and would come home ragged every time. We started taking turns guarding her, but…

  “How could you be asleep, you idioooot?!”

  “Waaaaah! I’m tired, too, you know! I take care of Emperor Zel all day! Being a parent is hard work! You could stand to have a little sympathy!”

  “Parent, my ass! Gimme that egg! I’m starting to think it looks mighty tasty!”

  “Stop! I’ve been heating that egg for so long that if you broke it open now, something terrible might happen! If you saw what was inside, it would break your heart!”

  Aqua clutched the egg to her stomach and hunched over so she looked like a turtle. I was practically spitting as I bellowed, “Who cares about a stupid egg right now anyway?! Darkness is more important! What the hell does she think she’s doing?! Is it some stupid thing about a Crusader’s duty or her mission as a noble to protect this town or whatever?”

  “We can worry about Darkness’s motivation later,” Megumin said. “That hydra is learning. Darkness gets hurt worse and worse every day—we can’t let this go on forever!” Never a fan of unexpected situations, she was clutching her staff.

  I estimated that Darkness had snuck out of the house around dawn.

  “Hey, Kazuma, is there really nothing we can do about that hydra? I’m going to drop off my egg at Wiz’s shop, then Megumin and I are going to chase down Darkness and give her a piece of our minds. Do you want to come along? Although I’ll understand if you’re too scared to face an enemy who’s already killed you once.”

  She was still crouched over her egg. It was an unusual thing to hear from Aqua, who typically wasn’t much into conflict and battles.

  If even she was up to doing this, then I could hardly stay at home by myself…

  Ahh, dammit!

  “There’s somewhere I need to go. You two, just bring Darkness home somehow. If you run into the hydra, don’t fight it. Just run back here.”

  The two girls nodded.

  Left alone in the house, I grabbed some eris bills from my room and put them nonchalantly into my wallet.

  “That stupid idiot. I guess I’ve got no choice!”

  To help my stubborn noblewoman, I would do what I had to do.

  7

  The next morning.

  I got up early and headed for the lake.

  On their way to the lake the day before, Aqua and Megumin had run into a battered and dirty Darkness heading in the opposite direction. Darkness told me later, with an embarrassed smile, that Aqua had healed her wounds and then lectured her all the way home.

  It looked like our Crusader genuinely had no intention of leaving the hydra alone.

  I looked at the lake that spread out before me, waiting for Darkness. I was sure she would come, and I presumed Aqua and Megumin would be with her.

  Finally, around noon, Darkness showed up with our other companions in tow. She stopped short, and her mouth hung open when she saw us.

  That’s right, us: Standing behind me was every adventurer I could find in Axel Town.

  As Darkness stood immobile, the gathered adventurers began to call out to her:

  “Hey! You’re late, Lalatina!”

  “I knew you’d come, sweet Lalatina!”

  “Lalatina!”

  “Lalatina!!”

  “…”

  “Stop it, Lalatina! They only called you by your name—you need to stop silently strangling me! St-stop! Quit it already!”

  The teasing of the adventurers had caused Lalatina to grab me, weeping.

  “What’s the big idea, Kazuma? If this is some new form of harassment, two can play that game!”

  “No! Why would I get all these people together for something as dumb as that? I just told everyone that you’d been fighting the Kowloon Hydra all by yourself day after day and begged them for help!”

  “—?!”

  Darkness let go of my shirt and looked around at everyone gathered there.

  “Look! Lalatina’s turning red!”

  “Be nice! I know what she looks like, but our dear Lalatina is still a delicate young woman. We need sweet Lalatina’s strength to defeat the hydra. What’ll we do if you make her run home crying?”

  “And Kazuma’s been good about keeping us all in wine. Yesterday he treated us to some of the most expensive stuff available! Nothing wrong with doing him a good turn. Whatever Lalatina wants, Lalatina gets!”

  “You hear that, Darkness?” I interjected. “Look at all the people who came out to help when they heard about the stupid things you were doing every day, stupid. It’s one thing to have muscles for brains, but you’ve got to stop worrying people like this.”

  Darkness, blushing furiously, replied in a small voice, “Th-thanks…”

  “I’m sorry? What’s that?”

  I was hoping to force her to repeat it much more loudly, but she only glared at me with teary eyes and looked around again, still embarrassed, at everyone there. Each time someone met her eyes, they looked away bashfully again or gave a friendly smile. After a minute, Darkness herself started to smile, too.

  “Everyone, thank y—”

  “Waaaaah! Kazuma! Kazuma!! I’m not sure, but I think the hydra is waking up faster than usual!”

  The interruption came from Aqua, who had gone into the lake at some point.

  At the same time, Megumin, preparing her magic on the shore, said, “That’s why I told you it would be bett
er not to get in the lake until Kazuma’s signal!”

  “But! But!! I wanna get home so I can see Zel hatch…!”

  Aqua’s timing couldn’t have been worse for Darkness, who had finally mustered the courage to thank everyone. Now the Crusader stood blushing and quivering.

  There was a massive splash as the Kowloon Hydra launched itself out of the water after Aqua.

  “Each and every one of you is completely, utterly useless!”

  Battle, start!

  8

  Things began a little more suddenly than I would’ve liked, but basically the battle went like this:

  “Thieves, you have your steel wires? Archers, get your hook-tipped arrows ready and wait for my signal!”

  “Waaaaaah, do it! Do it fast!”

  Step one: Aqua lures the hydra to the water’s edge.

  “Tanks, hold position—it’s your job to make sure the back row stays safe!”

  Step two: Men and women in armor ward off the hydra’s attacks.

  “Wizards, get those spells ready to use at any time! I’m looking for the most powerful stuff you’ve got! Put everything into it; we’re not going to get a second try!”

  “Just leave it to me! This time my Explosion shall definitively decimate that deplorable dastard!”

  Step three: We get our biggest, baddest magic ready to strike the finishing blow.

  And then…

  “Darkness, you get right in front of that thing and use your Decoy skill! This is all down to your toughness! Don’t let it make mincemeat of you this time!”

  “Who do you think I am?! Everything else aside, defense is the one thing no one can best me at!”

  Step four: Darkness gets the hydra’s attention and fights it head-on!

  “Hey, Kazuma! What about me? What should I be doing?”

  “If you’ve already buffed everybody, then there’s nothing for you to do until people start getting hurt! Just pick somewhere out of the way and cheer us on!”

  “Aww, no fair! I want something to do, too!”

  And then, when Darkness had the hydra pinned down…

  “Darkness! You’re up!”

  “Damn right I am! Hey! I’m the one you want! Decoy!”

  Darkness activated her skill from her place on the lakeshore. While the hydra was distracted, I used my Ambush skill to make myself as inconspicuous as possible as I crept toward the monster.

  Those eight heads could have sent any of the rest of us straight to Eris, as I already knew from experience. Darkness, however, just set her jaw and endured the full force of the monster’s attack.

  ““““Bind!””””

  The hydra came up on land to pursue Darkness, and the moment its eight heads were all in roughly the same place, the thieves used their wires to tie the creature’s various necks together. At the same moment, the archers let loose with their hooked arrows. The arrows would have bounced off the creature’s hard scales, but they lodged themselves nicely among the wires.

  Once the adventurers were confident the hooks were set, they began a great tug-of-war on the attached ropes. This brought the hydra even farther away from the lake and prevented it from running away.

  As all this was happening, I was getting close with Ambush until I jumped on the hydra’s back, feeling its scales under my hands.

  “If you have to be out of MP before we can kill you, then let me help you get rid of all that magic!”

  The instant I started using Drain Touch to absorb its MP, the hydra started thrashing wildly. I guess Aqua did say something about dragons being basically living lumps of magical power—this critter was awfully sensitive to having its magic absorbed.

  “Yippee ki-yay! It’s working! It’s— Whoaaaaa!”

  When I started draining its magic, the hydra began fighting furiously to free its necks, but restrained by Bind, it couldn’t reach me on its back.

  One of the adventurers watching the scene cried out, “Kazuma, get out of there! What are you, nuts?! What do you think you’re doing up there?”

  “It’s okay! I’m using one of my secret skills to help weaken this big lug! Wizards, when all its MP is gone, let loose with your—”

  That was as far as I got before the hydra twisted its whole body and tried to slam its back into the ground.

  Crud!

  “Eeeyiiikes! I’m gonna get smooshed!”

  “Idiot! What do you think you’re doing?!” As I was thrown from the hydra’s back, Darkness immediately covered me with her body. Notwithstanding the fact that I had been nearly crushed, having Darkness that close to me got me in a bit of a tizzy. As the hydra came rolling over, Darkness put herself in a push-up position to prevent me from being squished.

  “That’s my Miss Dustiness! Endurance and upper body strength till the cows come home!”

  “Shut your mouth and move your butt! I can’t…go on like this…”

  Darkness may or may not have been fine if the hydra continued to roll over on us, but for me, it definitely wouldn’t have been pretty.

  With Darkness red-faced above me, I reached out toward the hydra. “Keep going, Darkness!” I said. “You have to hold out a little longer; don’t give up! Just stay right where you are!”

  “I-is this—? Is this the fabled edging play?! I’m sorry, I can’t—it’s too much…!”

  Darkness had been here every day, whittling away the hydra’s MP. I wasn’t about to let all her effort go to waste by letting this thing get away now!

  I simultaneously threw myself into two separate activities: using Drain Touch and scolding Darkness.

  “You finally decide to start being some help and you’re already finished?! I thought you were planning to defend your title in the Endurance Championship! And you can’t even put up with this? Finish what you started! Are you really gonna give up so easily with all these adventurers watching?!”

  “—?! Being physically crushed by a hydra and emotionally crushed by this man’s words at the same time! What have I done to deserve such a reward?! Why today of all days?!”

  Darkness’s whole body was shaking, her face red and her eyes brimming with tears. Every muscle was dripping with sweat, but somehow she managed to hold out.

  I continued to drain the monster with all my might. The hydra flung its captive heads around, slamming them into Darkness.

  “Pull! Puuull!” The beefy adventurers who had been guarding our back row were now pulling mightily on the ropes attached to the arrows attached to the wires attached to the hydra. Apparently, they intended to rescue Darkness from her trial of endurance.

  Darkness gave me a contented smile and whispered, “I… I can’t hold on anymore… But d-don’t…worry, Kazuma… At least we’ll die together…”

  “Oh, I’m worried! Don’t you quit! I’m the only one who would die anyway! You’re the one with all the buffs and everything! You think just being squashed flat by a hydra would kill you?!”

  My equipment at that moment was minimal, partly because most of my gear had been dissolved in the hydra’s stomach the other day. At this rate, with my laughably weak defenses, I was as good as dead.

  And I was not keen on dying twice in such a short time.

  “If—if I give up, you’ll die… Ahh! What is this? You’re ordering me to endure, almost as if you were my master, and yet at the same time, I hold your life in my hands! Oh, the paradox! Which of us is the master now?! I’ve never tasted such a sensation before, Kazuma…!”

  Great. What had happened to the thoughtful, serious Darkness I’d seen recently? The cool one?

  It was at that moment of utmost crisis that we heard it:

  “Look! The hydra’s weak now! And it can’t even move! I lay claim to the great bounty, the Kowloon Hydra! The money goes to whoever kills it—all the money! I’m not sharing with anyone!”

  “Hold on, how can you say that in a situation like this?! And it can move—it’s just that its heads are bound. So watch out! Oh! Dust! Duuust!”

  I recog
nized those voices. At the same moment, the weight on top of us lightened considerably. Some strong, brave person must have pulled the hydra off us at last.

  Darkness and I managed to crawl out from under the rampaging monster and scuttle back to where Megumin was waiting.

  “Light of Saber!!”

  I knew that spell from all the times I had heard it invoked at Crimson Magic Village. I looked in the direction of the voice to discover that Yunyun of the Crimson Magic Clan had inserted herself into the battle at some point and launched her spell at the hydra’s heads. It looked like someone had been eaten and she was rescuing them.

  Actually, why hadn’t I noticed her there sooner? Was she just that easy to miss? Come to think of it, I remembered somebody hesitantly calling out to me on the way here, but I had been so busy thinking about Darkness…

  Then one of the adventurers shouted, “Check it out! The head she cut off isn’t regenerating!”

  I looked for myself, and sure enough, the hydra was down to seven heads. It looked like the monster was trying to flee back into the lake, but several heavily armored adventurers tugged on the ropes and made sure it stayed where it was.

  “Okay, wizards, you’re up!”

  I shouted to our magic users, who had been waiting eagerly to unleash all of their most powerful spells.

  “Open fire!”

  At my order, a storm of magic slammed into the hydra. Fireballs and lightning bolts went flying, including the full wrath of two Crimson Magic Clan mages.

  “Light of Saber!!!” A blindingly bright blade of light sliced at the hydra’s necks as Yunyun gave Megumin a triumphant look.

  A corner of Megumin’s mouth twitched upward; her red eyes flashed, and she brandished her staff.

  “Explosion magic incoming!” shouted someone, no doubt from Axel Town and of long acquaintance with Megumin’s magic. “Everyone near the water’s edge, evacuate!”

  “Cover your ears!” someone else yelled.

  “Now! Now I shall take revenge for Kazuma! May this be a flower I offer at his grave, a fragrant blossom whose aroma he can smell up in heaven…!”