The Buying of Lot 37

by Joseph Fink

  In the fictional world Joseph and Jeffrey have created, all conspiracy theories are real, the faucets are leaking yummy/scary smells, and who knows how many suns there are today, but in the real world they’ve created an artistic space for their friends to collaborate, an opportunity to put to good use the hundreds of logged hours on various phone trees, and a valuable world where you can just nail it in one take.

  —Erica Livingston

  See some evil. Hear some evil. Speak some evil.

  WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE

  Sorry to start the show off with such a minor issue, but the water here at the station is not working. I was trying to make coffee. I got out the filters, grabbed some whole beans from the larder, finely ground them using a hammer and hateful thoughts, and placed them, one ground at a time, into the coffee machine, but when I went to fill the carafe, there was no water. I turned the faucet handle, and just heard a faint hiss. Forty-five minutes worth of coffee preparation for nothing.

  This also means the toilets aren’t working. Fortunately there’s a huge ravine right next door to the station, so that’s that taken care of.

  Honestly, I probably shouldn’t lead off my show with a personal complaint about how there’s no water instead of an important news story like how there are suddenly two suns instead of one. But I can’t help it. I just get all worked up about a lack of coffee. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.

  But yeah, there are definitely two suns now and people are screaming in the streets. It’s pretty apocalyptic out there with buildings being burned down and cars wrecking into fire hydrants and people running in all directions, mouths agape, clutching their heads. So stay inside and avoid thinking too hard about the capriciousness of our only home: the indifferent universe.

  Let’s have a look now at sports.

  Former Night Vale High School quarterback Michael Sandero had a fantastic freshman season at the University of Michigan. He won the Heisman Trophy, and his team made it to the national championship game. Unfortunately, they lost in overtime to Michigan.

  It was the first time in college football history that a team had to play against itself in the title game. Down by three points in overtime, Sandero threw a late interception, thus sealing his team’s loss.

  Sitting dejected on the bench, their heads hung low and shoulders sagging under the weight of regret, Sandero and his teammates could only watch as the other Sandero and his teammates celebrated their victory over themselves.

  The winning Michigan team celebrated on the field until late into the night, everyone else having long since gone home and the lights turned out, until a flock of starlings covered their cheering, dancing bodies and carried them all into the sky.

  Speaking through a Russian translator, the losing Sandero said, “I do not know where I am. Where is Michigan? I am so confused right now. Who are you? Who are you?” He was staring suspiciously at his own hands and crying.

  Better luck next year, Michael. You can do it!

  Many listeners have been wondering if I’ll be taking time off of work to go visit Carlos in his desert otherworld. Well the answer is maybe.

  I certainly would like to. I miss him so much, but first Carlos has to find the doorway between our worlds. Also, even trickier, I have to get vacation days approved by our station management, which is not easy.

  I filled out the special form to request days off, which includes writing a 2,500-word description of what I will be doing with my time away from work. It had to be exactly 2,500 words, and I’m not sure if hyphenated words count as one or two.

  Anyway, I submitted my form last Wednesday by going to Station Management’s office door, genuflecting, and reciting the pledge of employee fealty, which is several minutes long. I was actually blocking the only path to the kitchen, so by the time I finished, there was a long line of co-workers waiting on me. All of them at some point have gone through this same emotionally devastating process when they wanted to visit a new nephew or go on a honeymoon or something. So they were understanding, but I chose to do this around noon, so they were also mostly hungry and frustrated.

  Once I finished the pledge, I dropped the form into the drop box, which then glowed red and puffed out dark smoke. When I got back to my desk area, all of my belongings were gone and there was just an open pit, a hole that seemed to go on into eternity, and knowing management, it likely does. So the request was definitely received and we’ll see what they come back with.

  [hissing sound from end of Episode 3]

  Oh dear. Station Management sounds upset. I don’t know if it’s because I’m talking about them on the air or if they’re just now finding out that the toilets aren’t working. Either way, let’s move on.

  Speaking of the water, all of the taps in our building are blowing a cool, dry air that smells of . . . toasted walnuts maybe? Or no. No, like French toast. Either way, it’s pleasant. We’ve tried to turn off the faucets, but the handles just spin loosely and have seemingly no effect on the smell.

  We tried calling the plumber but they just screamed something about there being four suns. FOUR SUNS, they howled into the phone before muttering for a while about nothing being as it seems, we’ve been duped by god, all is lost, blah blah something something living nightmares. So I guess we’re going to have to contact the water department directly about this issue.

  Oh, also I should have mentioned earlier the two suns have now doubled to four suns. There are now four suns in the sky. So that’s awful. But listen, better than no sun, right? Man, days with no sun are just the worst.

  You know what’s not the worst? The sponsor of today’s show.

  Our program is brought to you today by Chevrolet and their new line of all electric vehicles. These vehicles are made entirely of electricity. You already own one. There’s a Chevrolet inside your home’s wiring this very moment . . . your microwave, your television. You will have to harness that power and learn to turn pure electricity into matter and then that matter into an operational vehicle and then figure out how to operate that vehicle. But it’s all there. Right now. In your home.

  In fact, since you already have the car, don’t you think you should have paid for it? Don’t you think you owe Chevrolet for the car you have? That’s how the world works. There are no free cars, pal. Nope, please send $45,000 to Chevrolet right now. Or return the vehicle. You either pay the money or return the car. One or the other. That’s only fair, right?

  Chevrolet. We’re trying to be reasonable here.

  Local television station Channel 6 has come under fire recently for their decision to start broadcasting into viewer’s homes whether viewers want to watch Channel 6 or not.

  Many residents have written to their government representatives saying it must violate some law for a television news station to broadcast straight into people’s homes without the residents even turning on their televisions. “It must be a violation of privacy laws, right?” these letters often read. Surely, the government must step in to stop this, the letters usually conclude.

  We hear your concerns, but the government cannot stop this, the reply always says. The local television news station is controlled and managed by the government, and it is wonderful to be able to reach everyone in town at every point of the day with important news, the letter always continues.

  Like, let’s say there’s a tornado—a rare event here in the desert, to be sure, but let’s just say, the letter always supposes. How would you know how to protect yourself from such a danger if there were no government-controlled television station that could turn on in your home and shout terse, esoteric orders in a foreign language (Let’s say Russian! [It doesn’t have to be Russian.]) as slow motion footage of salamanders running out of a rotting log plays? How would you know, the letter challenges. You wouldn’t, the letter declares.

  Maybe it’s not an emergency, the letter concedes. Maybe we just have something really exciting to tell you. Maybe we got a new stand mixer and we want you to see it. Or maybe we’re feeling sad an
d we just want to read you some poems we wrote. So, as you can see, the trustworthy local television news station must retain its powers, the letter always concludes. These powers help us care for you, citizen. The letter is always signed: Night Vale City Council. Those words are written in script dozens of times on top of itself, as if every member of the Council signed it in a single moment in a single space, without regard for physics or linear time.

  Listeners, the unrelenting smell coming from the faucets is too much. Everyone in the office is salivating because of the delicious stench of French toast. It’s impossible to work in this environment, and also because of the whole ravine thing. I’m calling the Water Department right now. This is ridiculous.

  Plus we’re all getting woozy and starting to lose our senses of sight, touch, and longing.

  [sound of dialing]

  [Capital words/phrases marked with ** are separately recorded in a monotone voice. The rest is standard pseudo-chipper operator voice. Most of Cecil’s lines in this passage are just kind of muttered to himself as he navigates the phone tree.]

  RECORDED VOICE:Hello! And welcome to the city of *NIGHT VALE*, Department of *WATER* Customer Service line.

  Para continuar en español, oprima el uno.

  Para continuar en español doble, oprima el uno dos veces.

  [voice effect here is echoed]

  To GIVE PRAISE TO THE MIGHTY GLOW CLOUD, press three

  CECIL:All hail.

  RECORDED VOICE:To continue in English, press four.

  CECIL:There we go.

  RECORDED VOICE:If you are Illuminati, pr——

  [beep of keypad 4]

  RECORDED VOICE:Thank you.

  Do you have questions about or want to pay your bill? Press one.

  Are you changing address? Press two.

  Do you no longer believe in the existence of water? Press three.

  CECIL:I do have my doubts.

  RECORDED VOICE:Are you confused as to the difference between water and sugary sodas? Press four.

  Do you like cabbage? Press five.

  Would you like to report a problem with your service? Press six.

  [beep of keypad 6]

  RECORDED VOICE:If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang up and scream “Help! Police!” into any one of the many hidden monitoring devices in your home. If you’re not sure where the hidden devices in your home are, try calling for help into a door knob, any large vases, a ceiling fan, any random microphone sticking out of your wall that you don’t recognize, or an elderly pet.

  If you undervalue your own life and the lives of others so much that you feel this could not possibly be an emergency, press the Not an Emergency Button.

  [squawking beep sound . . . maybe all phone keys pressed at once?]

  I’m sorry to hear you are having a problem with your service.

  If you have low or no water pressure, press one.

  CECIL:Hmmm.

  RECORDED VOICE:If you have a leak, press two.

  CECIL:No.

  RECORDED VOICE:If you tried calling once before for emergency help only to find yourself serving a prison sentence for misuse of emergency services and now you are calling to argue semantics with a representative about our lack of definition of what constitutes an emergency, press three.

  If your water has a strange color or odor, press four.

  CECIL:That could be. . . .

  RECORDED VOICE:If something that is clearly not water and smells like a tasty breakfast food is hissing out of your faucets and causing you to stand on your chair like there’s a mouse in the room even though there’s really no escape from what very well may be a poisonous gas of some sort and honestly you can’t fathom why you jumped up onto this chair at all but it somehow makes you feel better, press five.

  CECIL:That’s it.

  RECORDED VOICE:If you are afraid of knives—

  [beep of keypad 5]

  Please wait while we transfer you to a customer service representative.

  CECIL:Oh dear. Oh . . . I can’t wait much longer. I’m, I’m feeling light-headed. Please hurry. Please. Pleasss Hur—— [thump]

  RECORDED VOICE:We are experiencing a heavier than usual call volume. Current wait time to speak to a service representative is *FOUR MINUTES*. Sadly, a lot can go wrong in *FOUR MINUTES*, but that’s just how it is. Thank you for your *PATIENCE*. You know there are *SUPER VOLCANOES* set to explode any day now, right? Existence is so incomprehensibly *FRAGILE* and *CRUEL*.

  Please continue to hold.

  [HOLD MUSIC: “Just Like My Heart” by Fault Lines]

  LACY:[new voice] Hello. This is Lacy with the Department of Water. Are you still on the line?

  CECIL:[slowly waking up] Hello?

  LACY:Thank you for contacting the Department of Water. I’m sorry about the interruption of your service.

  CECIL:What is happening?

  LACY:An intense period of multiple suns this afternoon affected our communications system. In the aftermath, it looks like our computers shut off your water and started releasing carbon monoxide into your pipes. That should only happen to customers who are more than sixty days behind on payments and your account appears to be fully paid, so we apologize for the error. Your water has been turned back on. Please open all windows to allow the punitive gases to dissipate.

  CECIL:Why does it smell like French toast?

  LACY:I bet you’re wondering why our carbon monoxide smells like French toast. It’s because French toast is pleasant and carbon monoxide is not. We here at the Department of Water think: Why not make unenjoyable things just a bit more enjoyable?

  CECIL:That’s very thoughtful.

  LACY:It is very thoughtful. I’m very thoughtful. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

  CECIL:No.

  LACY:Then good-bye, Mr. Palmer.

  CECIL:Thank you.

  LACY:Actually. I’m sorry but I just have to say something. It’s kind of unprofessional, I know, but I just wanted to say that I know who you are and thank you.

  CECIL:Aww . . . Well, thank you. I love hearing from fans. Glad you like the radio show. Keep listening.

  LACY:What? No. Not because you’re on the radio. You’re not the only one who cares about her, you know.

  CECIL:I’m sorry. Her? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  LACY:Fine. Don’t take a compliment. Not everyone’s as thoughtful as me. Bye.

  CECIL:Okay. Good-bye.

  Listeners, I have brought you a subpar show today. I failed to report on the multiple suns that cluttered our sky and sent waves of destructive panic throughout our community because I was too consumed with my own personal issues.

  I apologize for this. And for what it’s worth, some vigilantes with hunting rifles shot the extra suns down, so we’re back to having just one sun. Although the one remaining sun is currently setting in the north, so we’ll see how that goes.

  Our town is no longer consumed by weak and terrified humans rioting in the streets. Our town has returned to its normal state of weak and terrified humans huddling quietly at home.

  I’ve been so preoccupied with not just the water outage, but also getting vacation time so I can see Carlos again, that I haven’t been one hundred percent focused on my duties as your community radio host. For this I am sorry. I will try harder. I will report better. I will be the radio host you have counted on for, well, for however long it’s been. How long has it been?

  LACY:Time right?

  CECIL:Oh, you’re still on the line.

  LACY:Yep. Thanks again.

  CECIL:Thanks for what??

  LACY:Ugh. Never mind. Jerk.

  CECIL:Stay tuned next for time moving faster, faster than it seems, faster and faster until it disintegrates into stardust.

  LACY:Oh, that actually sounds fun!

  CECIL:Good night, Lacy. And good night, Night Vale. Good night.

  LACY:Good night!

  PROVERB:The reason we say “bless you” after someone sneezes is
because we know they will die someday.

  Episode 61:

  “BRINY DEPTHS”

  FEBRUARY 1, 2015

  GUEST VOICE: WIL WHEATON (EARL HARLAN)

  I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS IN AN INTRODUCTION IN ONE OF THESE VOLUMES before, but it is just an inescapable and constant part of my writing process: One of the most common forms of episode genesis for me comes not from an entire story springing into my head, but instead a single earworm phrase, a few words that sound so right to me that I can’t let go until I’m able to find a story to fit that phrase in. As you might have guessed, this episode came entirely out of my brain deciding to latch onto the phrase BRINY DEPTHS.

  The guest bit with Earl here is truly horrific, even though it only describes in accurate language a real thing that happens. This is part of our mission to make the weird feel normal and the mundane feel terrifying. I am not a vegetarian myself, although I limit my meat intake, but I think that if you are going to choose to eat animals, it’s important to be able to face down what that process is in a clear-eyed way. Wil Wheaton’s delivery of those lines really sold the entire bit, making everything he was saying sound like he was just in fact giving the recipe for some great pulled pork.