Deviant

by Jordan Silver

  But now those memories are tinged with fear. I’ve really done it now. Pregnant and alone! I’d cut all ties with dad a few days after Damien released me, sent me away. That was the day I asked him point blank how he could’ve done the things he’d been accused of.

  Of course by that time I had already begun to believe Damien’s version of events and I’d approached dad as though I knew for a surety that he’d defrauded Damien’s dad.

  Believing that his enemy had indeed shared all with me, he’d admitted to everything, but the kicker was when he’d tried to convince me that it was all for me, for my future. I was already feeling raw and confused over my time with Damien. I was ashamed of the fact that I’d fallen in love with my captor when I should hate him for what he’d done.

  I read everything I could get my hands on looking for an explanation. At first I thought it was Stockholm syndrome and I’m sure every psychiatrist worth his or her salt would’ve labeled it that, but somehow I wasn’t buying it.

  I craved him like a drug. Being apart from him was like leaving a limb behind and the pain of not being close to him, not seeing him every day, being with him, was unbearable.

  I would never have believed after overhearing that conversation that things would turn out this way. Would never have guessed that I could be that forgiving in a situation like that. I’m still not sure what it is about him that had made me start believing in him again.

  At first I thought he was just a lying criminal who had some sort of beef with my dad and was trying to muscle him into doing his bidding by using me. But I had a hard time comparing the man I’d met that first time with the man I’d come to see him as.

  As time went by and I watched him, I got the sense that he wasn’t the monster I’d come to see him as, that he was more like the man I first believed him to be.

  There was something about him that said he was more straightforward than that. And the day he’d shown me the evidence he had against dad, it was a shock to realize that this man who’d taken me, who’d done such a monstrous thing, was more honest with me than the man I’d spent my whole life looking up to.

  I don’t condone his actions, had even found it hard to make peace with the way he’d used me in the beginning. But that didn’t stop me from craving his touch and longing for all those things only he could make me feel.

  21

  Ava

  Whether it was being tied to his bed and used for his own pleasure, or coming on to the end when he’d touch me as though I were the most precious thing in his world. I missed him. He’d probably freak if he knew I’d seen more than what he was willing to share with the world.

  But had he remained that monster in my eyes, I wouldn’t be having this problem now. Wouldn’t have spent every day since we’ve been apart longing for him so much that it had become a physical ache that nothing and no one could cure.

  I spend the better part of each day reliving our time together, keeping his memory fresh in my mind lest I forget. The thought of forgetting fills me with dread and I sometimes go into a panic if I forget one little detail. I doubt even he knew how much I’d come to learn, how much I’d seen in him.

  Like the fact that when he wasn’t growling and threatening, I could see behind the mask and what I saw made my heart squeeze. Of course I had to deal with the guilt I felt. It was a betrayal of my dad. I hated myself at first for still wanting him. Until I realized I was madder at him for sending me away.

  I stayed mad for days. Mad, confused and feeling like I was going out of my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and our time together. And each time I remembered how we were in the beginning, the way he was so careful with me, the way he touched me, loved me, it was hard not to want to go back.

  I remember how it was between us those last few days after I’d learned the truth. How I’d fought myself until I no longer pined for his touch. But yet when he touched me I still found it hard not to respond, he’d trained my body well to always need his. But even though my body responded I was confident that I was free of any idyllic nonsense where he and I were concerned.

  At least that’s what I’d told myself what I’d made myself believe. I’d convinced myself that I could enjoy the physical part of our relationship without giving any part of myself away. That I could take from him just as he was taking from me without losing any more of myself to the man I wanted to hate.

  And then that fateful day I’d asked him to stay and talk to me. He’d been telling me for days that he was taking me back to dad, but each day I woke up in his bed. I’d been trying to get to his soft side if he had one, but something had changed while he was telling me about himself.

  Not only did he have a soft side, which he hid very well, but he was also one of the most honest men I’ve ever met. I started seeing his strength not as something to fear, but as a comfort. I fought these new feelings even as I sat there falling under his spell again.

  And though I told myself that I’d be a fool to fall for him again, once he touched me with such reverence, with such care, I was a goner. There’s no way he could touch me with such feeling if he didn’t truly care.

  Up until the morning he took me back I was silently hoping that he’d change his mind. I couldn’t come right out and ask him to keep me that would’ve been too much. But I’d wished for it nonetheless.

  I’d begun to hope that he couldn’t let me go any more than I wanted to lose him. The whole situation was a mess and I foolishly hoped that things could go back to the way they were before I overheard that conversation. Before reality set in and everything changed.

  I knew he was feeling it too. If not exactly what I was, then something. I was sure of it. And when he drove me to my family mansion himself, the way he’d refused to look at me even though he’d held my hand all the way there as though he’d never let go, it had taken everything in me not to utter out loud the words that had been screaming inside my head.

  Watching him drive away had been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. It was like watching the sun fade away forever, leaving the sky dark and cloudy. And I knew as I watched his car disappear down the drive that I’d never find what we had with anyone else.

  Dad had mistaken my melancholic mood in the days following for something else. He’d bent over backwards to make it up to me, but I noticed he hadn’t told the cops what had really happened. Instead he’d spun a story of me going off for a breather because college life had gotten to me and I needed a break.

  I’d already accepted Damien’s story, but that right there confirmed it for me and it only took dad saying the words once pressed to remove any doubts I might’ve had. If he’d only known that the reason I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings was because I missed my lover, missed waking up with his arms wrapped around me the way they had been the last few mornings we’d spent together.

  Or, that I sometimes missed his rough treatment of me. Missed having my hands tied behind my back while he drove into me from behind.

  Missed having him pound himself into me until we were both screaming and scratching at each other while he spilled inside me as I throbbed and clutched at him to hold him prisoner within my walls.

  I was making myself crazy, from day to day it was becoming harder to remember who I was before we met. Until I had to convince myself that if he truly wanted me, loved me, he would never have let me go.

  It was convincing myself of that that had done the trick. I’d used the anger I felt upon accepting that hard truth to get me out of bed and out of my head.

  I’d left dad’s house after telling him what I thought of him. He’s been trying ever since to get back into my good graces, but this was sure to put an end to that, having his enemy’s child. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was keeping my baby. I was in turns scared and elated. Scared to be doing this alone, and happy that I would have a part of Damien with me forever.

  I wish I knew how to reach him, where to go. He wasn’t at the country estate any longer, I’d che
cked. But even if I did know where to find him I’m still not sure I would have the courage to face him. He probably didn’t want kids anyway, and if he did, why would he want them with me? The daughter of the man he held responsible for his dad’s death.

  I picked up my phone and pressed the home button so I could see his face. It’s something I do at least a hundred times each day. I’d found the photo online, a rare shot according to the headlines, of the man who’d made a name for him self before inheriting his dad’s fortune.

  There was some innuendo and hints at his underworld dealings, but no one knew for sure if he was part of that life or not. I was inclined to believe that he was, but it made no difference to me. I’d come to see the man beneath after all and knew that he had more than one side. I was so engrossed in running my finger over his image that I didn’t sense there was someone behind me.

  22

  Ava

  “That’s not a very good shot.” Large hands came down on my shoulders and my heart sped up in my chest even as my body went hot and weak. “Damien.” His name was a soft whisper of disbelief. Maybe I’d conjured him somehow. But the weight of his hands felt real.

  I was afraid to turn around, afraid that it was just my imagination again playing tricks on me. But when the first tear fell onto the screen of my phone I felt myself being lifted from the chair and folded into his big strong chest.

  Huge wracking sobs shook my body and I barely heard his whispered, ‘it’s okay baby, I’ve got you’ before I was being taken out of the room and into the evening air. I was about to tell him I’d left my belongings but overheard him telling one of his men who’d been standing by the door to fetch them.

  I didn’t pick my head up even though I knew we were probably making a spectacle. Not even when I heard a car door open and felt him climb in with me held close in his arms I didn’t move my face from where I had it buried in his chest.

  “Shh, it’s okay stop before you make yourself sick. Ava, look at me.” He tried pushing my head back but I held on tighter and refused to move. I’d been wanting this for so long ever since he left me.

  And now he was here and I was afraid. What if he didn’t want the baby? From everything I’d learned about him, which wasn’t a lot, he was a solitary animal who liked going his own way. So I had to treasure these few moments just in case he sent me away again after learning the truth.

  I soaked his shirt before he was able to get me to stop. By then the car was in motion. I tried to avoid his eyes but he lifted my chin with his finger and just stared down at me. There was a look of wonder on his face that I didn’t understand until his hand came down and covered my stomach.

  My breath hitched; he knew, but how? I didn’t get the chance to ask because his lips covered mine in a mind-blowing kiss just then. I clutched at him like a lost puppy until his arms wrapped around me so tight it was hard to breathe. I didn’t care. I never wanted that hug to end. After weeks of misery I was finally back where I wanted to be.

  DAMIEN

  I’d been standing there behind her unsure of what to do. My natural instinct was to pick my woman and child up and get the hell outta there. But there were too many damn witnesses and not enough bullets.

  For the first time in a long while I wasn’t sure how to proceed, and then she’d taken out the phone and I saw the picture. It was a jolt to the system seeing the way she ran her finger over my face on the screen. She couldn’t possibly still hate me if she was sitting in here alone doing that shit.

  My dick, which was already hard at the first sight of her, went on high alert and that was enough for me. Whether she missed me or not, or wanted me in her life, she was carrying my child. She’d given me the perfect excuse to make the move I’d been dying to for weeks. Now she’s sitting on my lap as we make our way through the streets to home.

  I guess she could hear the wild beating of my heart once she stopped her crying shit since she had her ear pressed against my chest. I held her a little closer and turned her face up to mine to clean it. Her eyes were bright and unsure. “Hi baby.” She wiped her hands across her face like a five year old and tried to sit up.

  “Where’re you going? Stay where I put you.” She gave me a look like she was gonna mouth off but her runaway pulse told me she liked that shit. “You’re still bossy.”

  “Yeah and. What the fuck did you think, that I was gonna change in a few weeks?”

  “You shouldn’t swear at me.” She played with the buttons of my shirt.

  “And why is that?”

  “Because.”

  “Yeah that’s an answer.” I had the urge to grin.

  “I knew your ass was gonna make me soft. Fuck.” She pouted and I wanted to bite her lip, but the two in the front were mighty quiet which meant they were listening to my shit. I’ll wait ‘til I get her home and empty my balls for the first time in weeks.

  “You’re adorable.” For now I just ran my thumb over her bottom lip and pulled it back in surprise when she tried to bite me. Well now. My little kitty wants to play.

  I brushed her blonde curls back from her face and kissed her nose making her giggle and she moved her ass on my cock that was poking into it. “Behave. I’ll take care of you when we get home.” I whispered in her ear.

  Now that I wasn’t caught up in drama with her old man and his thievery shit, now that there were no secrets between us, I let myself really see her. I knew what she felt smelt and sounded like when we fucked, but until now I’d never taken the time to really study her.

  Because I always knew I’d have to give her back I never took the time to see past her beauty to all that she was. Now that there was nothing standing in our way it was safe to let go and look deep enough to let her in.

  “My little beauty queen.” She blushed bright red and I wondered how she could after all the nasty shit I’d done to her and had her do to me. Those bright blue eyes of hers bore into me as I ran my hand soothingly up and down her back.

  I wanted to ask her about the baby, if he or she was okay and all the other shit an expectant dad would want to know, but I saved that also for later. There was so much I wanted to ask her, so much we needed to talk about. But none of it mattered now that I had her back where she belonged. Least of all what her asshole old man was going to think when he found out we were together.

  By the time we pulled into the garage I was more than ready to get inside her. I didn’t wait for the guys to open the door, just climbed out with my prize clutched close to my chest. I caught their smiles as I turned to tell them I’d see them later. Never mind, they know.

  I hustled her up to my room, our room. Shit, I was gonna have to start thinking like that now. Somehow it was the shit show I thought it would be. “ I like having you here.” What the fuck I wasn’t planning to say that shit out loud. Oh well, she seemed to like it.

  “You wanna tell me why you were sitting there looking so sad?” I lifted her chin when she tried to hide from me. She looked scared as fuck like she didn’t know how to say the words.

  “Why did you come for me?” Oh she was gonna play the female role; answer a question with a question.

  “That’s not how this works. I asked you a question. Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I saw the flash of fire in her eyes and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

  She tried pulling out of my arms but I reined her back in. She played with my buttons again, nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. “Well, I think you know about the baby. But if that’s the only reason you came after me well you can just take me back right now.”

  I bit her jaw and made her yip. “Watch your mouth. Let’s get a few things straight. I’m a demanding son of a bitch and that shit’s not gonna change. What I say goes no fucking questions. You get outta line I’ll beat your ass red every time. I’ll ask more of you than anyone else ever have, but I’ll also love you just as hard.”

  “What if I don’t agree?” Uh-huh. Like she had a say in that shit.

  “You don�
��t have a choice. And to answer your question, I was trying to figure out a way to come get you before I learned about my kid.”

  That seemed to make her ass happy and she couldn’t hide the smile that spread across her face. She went all soft on me and I had a new problem. How the fuck do you fuck a pregnant woman?

  “Uh!” I dropped my arms from around her and took a few steps back. “What’s wrong?” She looked up at me questioningly. I shook my head to clear it. I wanted to be so deep inside her right now I ached, but if I touched her I was afraid I’d lose control and hurt her. Fuck!

  “Nothing’s wrong.” I felt like an ass but there was no way I was asking her this shit. If I could get to my computer I could look that shit up and that was my intention when I headed for the door.

  She made a sound and when I looked back she had her arms wrapped around her middle and was starting that crying shit again. “I knew it. You only brought me here because of the baby. You don’t really want me at all.”

  “Are you nuts?” I walked back over and grabbed her hand, placing it over my dick. “Does this feel like I don’t want you?” Pain in the ass! Her eyes perked right the fuck up and I saw trouble on the horizon.

  “So why are you walking away then?” I ran my hand over the back of my head. She was gonna make me say this shit out loud. We weren’t even married yet and already she was starting. Married, fuck.

  “I don’t know if we should be doing this.” There I said it. Felt like a first grade heel but at least it was out there and she could stop believing that I didn’t want her. Women. How the fuck do their brains work anyway?

  “Doing what?” She stalked my ass as I tried backing away again.

  “I can’t fuck you the way I want to, you’ll get hurt.” She took my hand and put it on her breast. Dammit. Just one squeeze; I’ll satisfy myself with that and then I’ll get the hell out of here before she bites off more than she can chew.