The Beast

by A R Davis

  Before making her way down the hall, she dared a glance at Damien’s room. She was sure she had not heard him leave like he used to before he was injured. If I knock on his door, will he answer? She took one step in that direction and then decided against it.

  She turned and went towards the stairs as quietly as she could. It was like that moment she had tried to escape. That was not her intent now, and frankly, she did not know if it would ever be. She paused at the front door. She knew that if she tried to open it, it would yield. Damien had stopped locking it after she saved him. Was that born of trust? Or did he know that she had nowhere else to go? Even if she took her first steps outside, she would return. There was no fooling herself about that.

  Valerie entered the parlor and busied herself with lighting the hearth. A healthy fire crackled to life, and Valerie sat curled up on the loveseat beside Damien’s faded bloodstain.

  Damien no longer needed her. Of that she was certain. She could walk out now, and she doubted she would be missed. Perhaps that could be said of her situation no matter where she ended up, if she dared to end up anywhere.

  It was time to face facts.

  She had no coin and no other place to live. She supposed she could return to Leola, but then she would have to face Mrs. Lind, and she didn’t know if she could bear to. There was no one in the world anxiously waiting to hear news of her or waiting for her to return. She was truly on her own now, and it was the most frightening time of her life. It felt as though a giant ball was forming in her belly, growing big enough to crack her ribs and crush her heart. What dreams could I accomplish in such a state? she wondered. Thoughts of travel, of giant ships, of large cities, and even marriage all faded before her eyes.

  That haunting question loomed forth again.

  What am I to do now?

  She was startled by the sound of the door opening behind her. She looked over the loveseat at Damien approaching, the shadows around his form disappeared the closer he came into the light.

  “Good evening,” he said. He didn’t seem surprised to find her there.

  “Good evening,” Valerie replied.

  “What are you doing up?”

  “I could ask you the same question.”

  “I think I’ve spent quite enough time sleeping. Do you mind?” He pointed to the empty space beside her.

  Valerie hesitated. “No, go ahead.” After all, it was his house. She was only the…well, whatever she was, she was not the owner.

  Damien let out a long sigh as he sat beside her. He rested his hands on his knees. “So,” he said.

  “So.”

  “What brings you here at this hour?”

  Valerie pressed her lips together. The bloodstain was between them. “I couldn’t sleep. I had a lot on my mind.”

  “That’s understandable,” Damien said. “A lot has happened.”

  He procured a flask from his pocket and unscrewed the lid. He took a sip and then offered some to Valerie. She stared at it for a long time and remembered what her father said. It won’t ease the pain, but it will dull it just enough.

  “No, thank you,” she said finally and waved it away.

  Damien took another swig. He wiped his mouth and said, “I’ve been thinking, too. About this…arrangement.”

  Valerie dug her nails into her knees. “Are you sending me away?” She could not bear to look at him. Of course he would, she thought. What am I to him?

  “You don’t seem happy about that prospect.”

  “You are sending me away.” It’s all right, she thought. I can figure out where to go. Thank you for bringing me those clothes. At least now, that will be one less worry. I’ll get another job, and maybe they will be kind enough to let me stay there until I can either afford a house or get married, and then I can have a life like everyone wanted me to have. So go ahead; send me away. I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. She could feel his eyes on her. It does not matter what he thinks. I will be fine.

  “Valerie.”

  She sniffed and wiped her nose with her sleeve. “What?”

  “I am not sending you away.”

  Valerie swallowed. “Oh. Right. Because I might tell.”

  “No. That’s not –”

  “Because you want to hear the end of Saxon Matthews?” Valerie said with a forced laugh to hide her tears.

  “Because I need you here,” he said. “Because, even though I know you’re capable, there are men out there who would not hesitate to shoot you. You’ve seen that firsthand. And I’m not a skilled healer. It would be a poor repayment on my part if anything happened to you.”

  “Oh.” The word sounded small coming out of her mouth. “I don’t really want to be your responsibility or anything.”

  “I don’t want to be yours, either.”

  “Then what do we do?”

  Damien scratched the back of his ear. “All I know is that I will have to leave often. And I will have to leave you here. I can’t take you with me, even if I want to.”

  Valerie didn’t want to suggest it, but she had to know. “Do I have the option to…go somewhere else?”

  Damien was silent for a beat. “Yes,” he said. “I wouldn’t stop you.”

  “OK.” At least I’m no longer forced to be here. “If I’m honest, I don’t think I’m ready to leave.”

  “You can stay as long as you want.”

  “Thank you.”

  Damien nodded.

  “Will you…” Valerie began. She made an exasperated noise. “Will you be careful when you’re out there? I really don’t want to have to pull another bullet out of you.”

  Was that a smile? The corners of his mouth turned up uneasily. “I’ll do my best,” he said.

  They settled into silence again. Valerie sat there feeling as though something was going to break out of her the longer they failed to speak. She inhaled, exhaled, and then said rather quickly, “Can I explain to you why I acted the way I did? I’m still sorry about that, by the way.”

  “You don’t have to explain –”

  “But I want to. I…There is no one else I can talk to about this. And if I don’t say it, I worry that I’ll carry it forever, and I’m tired of doing that.” She closed her eyes and took another breath. “My father.” Her bottom lip trembled and she had to take a breath again. “My father killed himself. And I wasn’t there to stop him. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when I saw you leaving, it made me feel like you were someone else I was failing to save.”

  Before Damien could think to respond, Valerie continued, “I didn’t tell you this so you would feel compelled to say something to me or try to make me feel better. It happened and I’m still sad about it. I’ll always be sad about it. But I don’t want it to consume me. And I don’t want you to treat me differently because of it. I only want you to understand.”

  Valerie was glad to see there was no pity in his eyes. “I do,” he said.

  “Good.” Her voice broke. Even though it was out in the open, it still hurt. Her heart felt like it had been scraped raw.

  “I still feel like I should say something,” Damien said, “but I’m not exactly good with words.”

  “I can’t think of anyone who is. I don’t even know how to handle it myself.” She forced out a laugh again and sniffed. She wasn’t good at crying in front of strangers. We both have our weaknesses, she thought.

  “Well, is there something I can do? Or is there something you need?”

  For a person that supposedly wasn’t good with words, Damien had a way of taking Valerie off guard. She couldn’t remember the last time anybody had asked her what she needed. She had always been able to provide for herself. Her first thought was to reach for the Saxon Matthews book and finish it with Damien. But did she really want to sit through another happy ending? If she was being honest with herself, what she really wanted…

  Valerie hesitantly leaned against Damien, unsure if he would be comfortable with it or if he would just push her away. His body stiffened but he didn’
t move her. He looked a little nervous as she rested her head against his shoulder. She felt a little nervous herself.

  “Do you need me to –?” Damien asked.

  “No. I’m OK. Do you mind?”

  She thought she heard him swallow. “No.”

  “Thank you.” Those words didn’t seem big enough to convey her gratitude.

  “You’re welcome.” He shifted to put his arm around her. Valerie was surprised how comfortable and right it felt. After a while, even Damien seemed to relax. Then he said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

  Chapter 20

  One moment, the town of Leola was covered with burnt leaves; the next, the rooftops were dusted with fresh snow. It piled up around the corners and in the alleyways, blocking several front doors, and burying the Aubrey cemetery, the gravestone, and the iron-gate. People bundled up to their throats with fur coats and scarves. Men shoveled a path through the snow to get to their shops.

  Even with a roaring fire in his office, Young Aubrey could not escape the chill that lingered on his shoulders. He stared out of the window toward the hill of the Aubrey grave. When he was a boy, he built a line of snowmen and shot at them with the bow his father gave him. Lord Aubrey would stand in the background, beaming with pride when Young Aubrey stuck an arrow between a snowman’s coal black eyes. Sometimes Captain Yendel would watch. Sometimes he would be beaming as well.

  Are you filled with pride now, Father, wherever you are? Young Aubrey thought as the memory was muffled in the snowfall. Are there monsters in your sanctuary? Have they eaten your remains? Small flakes dusted the windowsill. Young Aubrey could barely make out the trees in the distance.

  All was silent. He heard nothing. Not a whisper.

  After all this time. Nothing.

  Someone knocked on his office door. He did not need to guess who it was.

  “Enter.”

  Young Aubrey did not bother looking behind him. Captain Jonasson took a moment to shake the snow off before speaking.

  “Good afternoon, my Lord,” he said.

  “What news do you bring?”

  “Nothing out of the ordinary, sir. Most are just complaining of the cold.”

  “And what do they say of me?” Young Aubrey dared to ask.

  “They wish you are in good health.”

  Young Aubrey showed Captain Jonasson the golden, humored side of his face. “You are a liar. And you are a terrible liar.”

  The first time Young Aubrey asked this question of Captain Jonasson, he had been told, “Well, sir, they do not seem to mention you much. When I did speak your name they…they say they do not know you at all.”

  They knew you, Father, Young Aubrey thought. Even now they see your face.

  “Sir, is there anything else you’d like me to do?” Captain Jonasson asked.

  “No.”

  Captain Jonasson must have sensed his melancholy, for he said, “Perhaps once the snow has melted, you can make another appearance.”

  He said more, but the words were muffled. It took everything in Young Aubrey not to turn around and strike him. Young Aubrey made an appearance once. He waved and smiled, but everyone was staring at his mask. He needn’t have bothered smiling. What would they do if I told them that I am the only thing standing in between them and the mouth of the demon? he wondered. Would they scream? Would they cling to me and say, “Save us! Please, save us!”

  Or would they only laugh at him?

  He only knew they would not cheer. So he said nothing.

  “My Lord?” Captain Jonasson asked. His voice was very far away. “What did you think of my suggestion?”

  The Aubrey office slowly swam back into view, as though he was just now waking up. “Explain how that would help.” What that was, he didn’t know. He wasn’t paying attention.

  “Going to Merrion would help you see more of the people. Besides, my Lord, it will be nice to get away for a little while. You haven’t properly rested since your father passed.”

  Must we always talk about my father? Young Aubrey thought. But he had to admit, he was slightly intrigued by the idea of going to Merrion. It was a port town that took about two days to reach by carriage. It might be nice to go to a place where no one knew about his father, where no one ever worshipped him. Captain Jonasson was right; it would be a grand opportunity to introduce himself to other people.

  “If I go, will you take care of things while I’m gone?” Young Aubrey asked.

  “Of course, my Lord.”

  “Good. I wouldn’t trust anyone else with this task.”

  “Am I to take it that you will be departing?”

  “Yes, Captain. Thank you for the suggestion.”

  *

  Damien did not know how it began. Like the snow, it felt as though it happened without warning. One moment he found himself doing dishes with Valerie—he washed while she dried—and the next he found himself spending almost all of his time with her. They shared all of their meals, they read books together, and they even lounged in front of the window, watching the silent world. Valerie showed him how to cook a few simple things. He helped her knead dough, and he helped her dust and scrub. Sometimes they would talk, usually about anything that happened to come to mind. When they did not talk, the silence was just as comfortable. Whenever Damien looked beside him, she was there, and that was enough for him.

  Her presence made leaving difficult, but he had to for their survival. Damien couldn’t make her responsible for taking care of them. He hated seeing the look of disappointment on her face, but he knew it would be much worse if she ever saw…if she ever knew. When he returned, she was there to greet him with lunch or supper, and then things would go back to the way it was as if he had never left at all. For the rest of the day, he could forget. He could get lost in the words they exchanged, and he could be happy.

  He could not remember the last time he was eager to know someone else’s thoughts regarding the ending of his favorite book or found himself curious about how someone else lived before now. Damien never believed that he was suited for such a life, yet here it was right before him, and it was perhaps the most exciting experience he ever had. He caught himself smiling more often than not, remembering one of Valerie’s jokes or silly stories she told from her childhood. As snowstorms cold enough to freeze your bones howled past the windows, Valerie and Damien spent their time with hot tea, sat by the fire, and enjoyed each other’s company. Once, they stayed up so late talking that they ended up sleeping on the loveseat on opposite sides. When they woke, Damien offered to make more tea, to which Valerie gave him a funny look. “I may be a shit cook,” he said, “but I can make a simple cup of tea.”

  “This is good,” Valerie said after taking a sip. They sat in the kitchen. The window was blocked completely by snow. It was as though there was no outside world at all.

  “Glad you like it,” Damien said. “It’s made with my secret recipe.”

  Valerie looked quizzically at him over her cup. “And what, pray tell, is that?”

  “I’d tell you but…well, then I’d have to kill you.”

  “Ha. ha.” Valerie rolled her eyes. “Hilarious.”

  “I thought you’d appreciate that joke.”

  “I’m in stitches,” she deadpanned.

  Damien laughed. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time this house was filled with…well, “humor” he supposed was the right word.

  Valerie shook her head and smiled. It looked like she wanted to say something, but thought better of it.

  “What?” Damien asked, unable to help himself.

  “I…” She set her cup down gently. “I think my father would have liked you.”

  It felt as though his heart was melting like butter, dripping, staining his ribs, and collecting in his stomach. Though he didn’t like what her father did to her, he understood how much the man meant to her. He couldn’t help but feel guilty.

  “You know…I think I would have liked him, too.”

  As he lay in
bed late at night, staring up at the ceiling, an overwhelming feeling threatened to burst in his chest. He held on to that feeling for as long as he could, gripping it so tight that he feared it would choke and die. But the fear was not enough to make him let go.

  “I’ve been thinking,” Valerie announced as they joined up in the parlor, “about when spring arrives.”

  Damien settled stiffly into the space beside her. He dreaded what she would say, but wasn’t it inevitable? This wasn’t supposed to be permanent. “And?” he asked because he could not bear the silence.

  “And I was thinking that perhaps we should go somewhere. Together. It wouldn’t have to be anywhere far.”

  It was better than he thought it would be, but still… “I don’t think that’s a wise idea.”

  Valerie sighed impatiently. “I want to be able to see more of the world. I’m not going to do that staying here.”

  “I know.” Why couldn’t they just go back to reading and talking about other things like they usually did? There wasn’t anything exciting out there. She wasn’t missing anything. Damien knew if he said that, however, she would only argue further.

  “You said that I had the option to go somewhere else,” Valerie reminded him.

  “What I meant was that you could…” He didn’t want to say it because what if she took him up on that offer? He had nothing to go back to if she left, and that scared him more than anything. “Valerie –”

  “It can’t be that dangerous if you were able to do it for so long,” she said determinedly.

  Dante and I barely managed, he thought. We had to do terrible things to live, and I don’t want you to have to do those terrible things and be like me. He would have told her all of that if he wasn’t such a coward.

  “Besides, I’ll be with you,” she said.

  You don’t know what you’re saying. “Where would you want to go?” he asked tentatively.

  “Are you saying we’re going at all?”

  “I…am considering it.”

  Her eyes lit up. He hated himself. “We could go to Merrion. Every year in the spring they have a festival. People from all across the world go. We could blend in with the crowd.”