Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  But she didn't know how to stop feeling the way she felt, either. She wanted to be here with Abi, she really did, but she couldn't stop thinking about everyone else on the plane…especially Lauren. She'd read that Lauren had died from a crushing injury. Greta was sure Lauren would have lived if she hadn't switched seats with her. She had thought she was being nice, and she had ended up killing the girl. But she also knew that if she had died instead, it would have destroyed Abi. It was like there was no possible good outcome.

  “I just wish I hadn't let you get on that plane,” Abi said, sitting next to Greta’s hospital bed in the morning. “I should have let you kiss me. I should have kept you up all night having sex so you'd oversleep and miss your plane. When it crashed and everyone died, we would have said how lucky it was that you weren't on it. You wouldn't have known any of the people on the plane, and you wouldn't have survivor's guilt. “

  “Well, it's too late now,” said Greta with a sigh. “We can't go back and change it.”

  “No, we can't. But you know, we're both living with something. You changed seats with Lauren, but I let you go on the trip. And how would things have been different on that plane if you hadn't been there? First Class Guy gets his seat, while Lauren is alone on the aisle. Don't you think she would have moved to the window seat on her own if no one was there?”

  “It's not unlikely,” Greta admitted.

  “And you would never have been hurt, and you wouldn't be carrying this weight around, of being the only survivor.

  Greta closed her eyes. “It’s not that I’m sad I’m alive,” she explained. “I’m just sad that everyone else is dead.”

  “That makes sense,” Abi admitted. “Maybe you just need time to grieve, and then you can enjoy being alive again.”

  Greta nodded, tears running down her face. “I hope so. I want to enjoy it again. I just want to enjoy being with you.”

  Abi caught her hand and kissed it. “It’s an honor to be with you, no matter how you’re feeling.”

  ***

  Although Greta hated being in the hospital again, having a few days of enforced rest felt like a blessing. She got to take a break from trying to live for a little bit, and just exist. Abi would find something to watch on TV and then get into bed with Greta, wrapping her arms around her. Greta enjoyed her company. As much sadness as she felt, she was still grateful to be here with Abi. It meant everything to know that Abi loved her this much.

  A psychiatrist came to evaluate Greta. He prescribed her an antidepressant and gave her a referral to an outpatient psychiatrist she could begin seeing to work through her feelings of survivor’s guilt. When she was released from the hospital, she would begin seeing Dr. Rosenstein on a weekly basis, in addition to her daily physical therapy and periodic doctor’s appointments. Her whole life revolved around trying to recover from that horrible crash.

  When she left the hospital, she had to get back to therapy, and she promised herself she would try harder, even though her heart still wasn't in it. As she returned to Abi on her first day back at therapy, she found her on the phone, saying, “I'd love to, but I just don't think Greta's up to it yet.”

  “Who was that?” Greta asked after Abi hung up.

  “Will. He wants me to join everyone at the Mermaid tonight.”

  Greta studied her. The crew would have continued their regular hangouts at the Gilded Mermaid; of course they would have. Their lives weren’t on pause the way Greta and Abi’s were. And now they were trying to get Abi back into their fold. “Let's go,” she said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I don't want to keep you from doing things you enjoy, and I know you won't go without me. So let's go together. I can manage.”

  Abi smiled tenderly. “We won't stay long, okay? As soon as you get tired, we'll go home.”

  Greta did enjoy being in the familiar environment of the Gilded Mermaid, even if she did feel a bit out of place coming in with her walker. There were a lot of people from the studio there, and they all surreptitiously stared at the actress as she limped in with her walker and protective boot. But she put on a brave face because she wanted Abi to enjoy herself.

  Eventually, though, the topic of conversation turned to the plane crash and Greta's miraculous survival.

  “We saw the crash live on TV here at the Mermaid,” Kim, her hair stylist, said. “We thought for sure no one would survive. Of course Lola had Abi on the phone, and she heard Abi screaming, so everyone told her to go. It was a horrible moment. Greta, I can't tell you how glad we all are that you made it.”

  Greta smiled. “Thank you, Kim.” She looked at Abi. “You were screaming?”

  Abi looked down. “I thought I was watching the love of my life die right before my eyes, while I was setting the table so I could tell you over dinner how much I loved you. Yeah, I kind of went out of my mind for a few minutes.”

  Greta took her hand and squeezed it. “I guess it’s a good thing I lived then, isn’t it?”

  “I’m glad I got to tell you I loved you after all, that’s for sure,” said Abi, kissing her on the cheek.

  “It was like a miracle that you lived,” Will from the wardrobe department agreed. “Like you were specially chosen or something.”

  “I wasn't chosen,” Greta said, looking down as tears filled her eyes. She felt Abi's hand reassuringly rubbing her back.

  “Did I say something wrong?” Will asked.

  “Yes!” snapped Greta, anger suddenly flaring in her chest. She looked around the table. “None of you understand, do you? You think I won the lottery because I lived. What you don’t understand is that I did die. The life that I knew is over. I’m never going to be the person I used to be. I can’t get dressed on my own. I can’t stand up without support. Every movement I make hurts. And worst of all, a teenage girl is dead because of me! And you want me to feel special for that?”

  “Greta, it’s not like that,” said Kim. “We all understand you’re going to have survivor’s guilt. We just—”

  “Do you?” Greta asked, rounding on her. “Would you have liked it if something like this was kept from you? All of you treated me like a child, doing everything you could to keep the news from me.”

  “Abi told us to,” Will said defensively.

  “I’m so sorry, Greta,” Abi said, her eyes glittering with tears. “I just wanted to protect you.”

  “I went all that time, thinking there were other people like me, working to get better, people who could understand what I was going through, and that maybe someday I would meet them,” Greta said, tears streaming down her face as she looked at Abi. “I mentioned Lauren to you several times, and you knew she was dead, and you let me think she was still alive. You never corrected me. I just feel so stupid, that everyone else knew and I didn’t. It never even crossed my mind that everyone might be dead. I never thought of it.” Her shoulders heaved with sobs, and the movement was painful. Everything hurt. Everything was a reminder that her body had sustained injuries it wasn’t meant to survive.

  “And I knew it would destroy you,” Abi said, her own tears falling now. “I just wish there was more I could do. I love you so much, Greta. I couldn’t stop the plane from crashing, so I just protected you the only way I knew how. I wish I could have done more. I wish I could do more now.”

  Greta looked at Abi, and then she covered her face in shame. She knew everything Abi had done had been out of love. She was wrong to yell at her.

  “I-I’m sorry,” Will stammered. “I didn’t mean to start anything.”

  “It's just not as lucky as you might think, being the only survivor,” Abi told him. “We're all glad Greta made it through, but it would have been nice if other people could have made it as well. It's just an awful weight to carry, knowing you made it out when everyone else died, and then to have people add the extra burden of expecting her to do something special now because she was ‘chosen…’”

  Greta took her hands away and leaned gratefully against Abi, the tears
still falling. It meant the world to know her wife got it, even if no one else seemed to. Abi wrapped her arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

  “We're just glad you’re here,” Crystal, another makeup artist, said gently. “You don’t have to do anything extra special. You’re special enough as you are. We all enjoy having you around, Greta, and we understand that what you’re going through isn’t easy. There’s nothing lucky about being in a plane crash.”

  “I’m sorry I got upset,” Greta said, her voice brittle. “I’m just very emotional right now.”

  “Anyone would be,” Abi said softly, gently stroking Greta's hair. “But maybe it’s time we went home and got some rest.”

  Greta nodded gratefully. “It was nice to see everyone,” she said, looking around the table. “It really was. I’ve missed you all. I’m sorry for being so—”

  “Don’t mention it,” Kim said. “You’re human, and you’ve been through hell.”

  Everyone murmured that they were glad to see her too and completely understood her outburst, and Abi got up to unfold Greta's walker and help her stand. As they were making their way out, Lola called out to Abi from the bar, and Abi turned to speak to her for a moment. Greta walked out into the drizzle on her own, heading towards her car, which was parked across the street. She was already tired from being on her feet so much at therapy, and her good hip now hurt at least as much as the bad one from walking in this boot. Add in her emotional misery, and she was more than ready to just sink into the passenger seat and let Abi drive her home.

  Thoughts were swirling through her mind as she walked through the light of the streetlamps. Will's comment wasn't unusual. People seemed to think being the only survivor was something to be proud of, as if Greta had somehow emerged victorious. They thought it made her special. They didn't imagine her being constantly haunted by Lauren's young face, her excitement over a part she would never get to play, the pictures she took of the very first runway she had ever been on – the first and last. Still, Greta felt bad for yelling at the very people who cared about her. She’d agreed to come because she wanted Abi to be able to socialize and have fun, and she had ended up ruining the evening for everyone. She knew Abi had only been trying to protect her by making everyone stay silent on her being the only survivor, and Abi had been right to believe it would hamper Greta’s recovery. It wouldn’t have done her any good to know sooner. She ought to appreciate the people who loved her, but still. She felt she had no right to this, no right to be alive and surrounded by people who loved her and even forgave her for acting like such a jerk.

  Greta was halfway across the street when she heard a horn blaring. She looked up to see a speeding car coming straight at her, tires squealing as it struggled to stop on the wet pavement. She had a split second to try to run, but she couldn't run. All she could do was limp along with her walker.

  Suddenly, arms grabbed her from behind, yanking her out of the car's path just in time. She, Abi, and the walker fell into a heap at the side of the road. The car squealed to a stop right in the place where Greta had been, the driver rolling down his window to look at the two women lying on the side of the street.

  “How about fucking checking for traffic before you cross the street, lady?” he shouted.

  “How about yielding to disabled pedestrians? Can’t you see she has a damn walker?” Abi shouted back.

  “That doesn’t give her the right to just walk out in traffic!” he yelled.

  “Maybe if you’d been going the speed limit, you would have had time to stop!” Abi retorted.

  “Whatever,” the man mumbled before rolling up his window and speeding away.

  “Arsehole,” Abi muttered before turning to Greta. “Did you do that on purpose?” she asked, her voice shaking. “Were you trying to get killed?”

  “No!” Greta insisted. “I was just so lost in thought, I forgot to look before I started into the street. I’m so sorry, Abi. I could have gotten you killed.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Are you okay?” Abi asked, her whole body trembling as she looked Greta up and down.

  “Yeah,” Greta said, taking mental stock of every aching body part. “Are you?”

  “I'm fine. Are you sure you’re okay? Is your lung all right?”

  Greta took a deep breath. “It's fine.”

  “Thank God.” Abi pulled Greta to her chest and held her close, sniffling. “I couldn't stand it if you got hurt again. I can't see you hurt anymore. I have to keep you safe.”

  “But you could have been killed, running out in front of a car like that.”

  “So? I’d rather die with you than just watch you die.” She pulled back, searching Greta’s face in the light of the streetlamp. “Don’t you know I would die for you?”

  In truth, Greta had never really thought about it, but she realized now that she should have known. Abi had always been ready to do anything at all for Greta, so it was no surprise, really, that she would die for her as well.

  And if Abi was willing to die for Greta, then the least Greta could do was live for Abi.

  “Thank you for saving me,” she whispered. She tilted her head back and kissed her wife. The kiss deepened, and Greta wrapped her arms tightly around Abi’s neck.

  “You haven’t kissed me like that in a long time,” Abi panted when they finally came up for air.

  Greta smiled. “I realized it was overdue. I should be enjoying you more.”

  Abi smiled back. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. I’m never going to stop feeling sad that I’m the only passenger who survived that plane crash, but I am alive, so I might as well make it count. And you, Abi Okafor, are very much worth living for.”

  “I’m very relieved to hear you say that.” Abi helped Greta up, supporting her while she set the walker back up. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

  The ride home was fortunately a short one. They didn’t say much, but once they got into the house, they seemed to be magnetically drawn to each other. Greta very much wanted to show Abi that she really did want to live, however badly her heart might be broken. And Abi, for her part, seemed eager to remind Greta how loved she was. By the time they had ridden the elevator to the third floor, most of their clothes were off. Abi abandoned the walker in the hallway and lifted Greta into her arms, laying her down gently on the bed. She undid the protective boot and removed Greta’s bra and panties, leaving the redhead completely naked on the bed. Greta knew this meant her scars were all on full display, but she realized now why they didn’t make her any less attractive to Abi. They were proof that she had survived, that she had clawed her way back from the brink of death just to be with the woman she loved. And while Greta didn’t remember much about the days after the accident, she knew that was exactly what she had done. Whether she deserved this or not, Abi was worth living for.

  As Abi lowered her naked body onto Greta’s, the redhead savored each sensation: skin against skin, breast against breast, and the thrilling sensation of Abi’s core pressing against her own. Greta held Abi close for a few minutes, their bodies moving wordlessly together. Then she nudged Abi onto her back.

  “I’m going to make love to you properly tonight,” she declared.

  “So what you’ve been doing was just practice?”

  “Pretty much.” And Greta set to work, finally taking the time to explore every inch of that smooth chocolate skin she had admired for so long. Slithering around on the bed was neither easy nor painless, but she could do it now, and it was easy enough to ignore the pain with such beauty before her. Her hands caressed shoulders and thighs. Her tongue explored the hollow of an exquisite collarbone and ascended each breast before teasing taut nipples and descending the other side. Her lips kissed their way across firm abs and up the tender inside of one muscular thigh. When she finally found herself at Abi’s center, she was not surprised to find her swollen and wet. She got down on her stomach and lapped away thirstily, her cheeks caressed by Abi’s thighs as the woman tried to push herself
further into Greta’s mouth. The loud cries of her orgasm filled Greta with a sense of pride.

  After Greta climbed back up to lie on her pillow, Abi turned over and began traveling down her body, kissing each and every scar tenderly. Her fingers slipped inside Greta as she teased her clitoris with her tongue, and Greta raised her hips to better receive her, teasing her own nipples with her fingers while Abi’s fingers slipped in and out, easily coaxing her up and over the precipice.

  “I love you so much,” Greta breathed when she and Abi lay in each other’s arms afterwards.

  “I love you too,” Abi whispered. “I feel like…that’s the first time in a while that…”

  “I’ve used sex to feel more alive instead of using it to escape life?”

  Abi smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

  Greta sighed. “I’ve been feeling guilty about being alive. I’ve felt like I didn’t have a right to enjoy things like this.”

  “Which is a normal way to feel, but Greta, it’s just not true. You do deserve this. And I know the other people deserved it too, but that doesn’t make you deserve it any less.”

  “I know.” Greta nestled her head in the crook of Abi’s neck. “I’m not sure how to stop feeling sad, but I need to move forward, and I think the only way to do that is to live life to the fullest, and be grateful for what I have.”

  “Like I’m already doing.” Abi held Greta close, toying with her hair. “There’s no way to describe how grateful I am to still have you. I would do anything for you, Greta. Just name it, and I’ll do it.”

  “You’re already doing it, and I hope you know how grateful I am to still be with you. I wanted it more than anything. I know I did, and I know that’s why I fought so hard to live. I just didn’t know I was the only one who even had a chance.” Greta wiped away a tear. “So there’s a start. I can at least live for you. I could never regret being with you, so I’m going to enjoy you in every way I can, and go from there.”