Craving Cowgirl

by Khloe Summers

  This pathetic routine became my life. I’d wake up after barely sleeping, google his name, find nothing, text him four to five times, drink a bottle of wine, then collapse into a two-hour masturbating session before passing out again for a few hours to repeat the process. It was sick. I knew this. But he’d so abruptly left, so quickly given up on everything we were working towards.

  Another past time I’d picked up: scrolling through pictures of us on my phone, studying his posture, analyzing the look on his face, trying to figure out if he ever really cared, trying to feel his arms against my skin. I became so addicted to watching the videos, to googling his name, to texting him incessantly that I barely left the bed. I’d fallen into a depression that was sinking me, drowning me in pity. A pity that eventually turned to anger, pushing me towards change.

  I’d never been thankful for such an emotion, but today I was pissed! And if that son of a bitch thinks it’s helping me to be alone, he was really fucking mistaken. Either way, it was the anger that pushed me out of the house, anger that sent me back into the shelter, and anger that led me to wildlife veterinarian Kevin Fremont.

  “I haven’t seen you in years. How long has it been?” he asked, bending down to hug me.

  I smiled, reciprocating his touch. I was a hermit that had finally left her hole. It had been six weeks since I’d touched another person—I’d missed the warmth.

  “At least five. What have you been up too? You’ve been in South America, right?”

  “Still working the practice out on Rancho Cortez. South America was incredible. What about you? I hear you’re with that billionaire now.” Kevin stood well over six feet, looking down at me with steely gray eyes. His nose, a sharp straight line perfectly centered on his face.

  Nervously, I pulled my hair to one shoulder. My lips, un-waved across my face, “Well, we were together. I’m back now. It’s a… story.”

  “We should catch up over dinner. I have surgery right now. Then I’m free if you’re interested. Meet me at The View? Around 7?”

  I agreed, smiling as I turned to leave for the evening. Kevin and I had known each other on a work basis for over ten years. He had done many, if not all the surgeries for the wildlife shelter until he went to Ecuador, and he’d always been most pleasant to work with. Though, we’d never been out socially, and despite the anger I felt towards Matteo, I still loved him, and it felt wrong to be out with another man.

  Regardless, two hours later I made my way to The View, a family-style restaurant and bar overlooking the jagged mountains that surrounded Lake Tahoe. The leaves had just started to turn a warm red and orange, adding intrigue amid the pine-covered landscape. I didn’t have much in the way of fall wear, so I threw on the only appropriate dress I’d brought with me. A little black number that curved too low, exposing my back.

  Kevin was already waiting when I arrived, “You look nice! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of work scrubs,” he said, pulling out my chair.

  “Really? Thank you! I’ve been in a hole since this whole Matteo thing went down. Honestly, I haven’t left the house in six weeks.” I spoke with candor, apparently eager to release my stress. “You look great yourself!” He wore a black suit that curved with his thin, lean build.

  Lifting his lips into a half-smile, he topped off my wine glass. “Breakups are the worst. I went through a bad one myself last year. Takes a lot out of you.”

  I chugged the freshly poured wine ignoring the flavors, “What happened? Your breakup?”

  “She just walked out. Found something better I guess,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

  “Matteo did the same. He says he was worried about my safety, but I don’t know. Now, I’m just angry. I guess that’s why I prefer animals,” I laughed sharply, tapping on my glass.

  His eyes lit up as he nodded his head, a swish of red still behind his lips. He swallowed hard then spoke. “Same, I swear I could spend the rest of my life with my two dogs and a radio… and I suppose a few select family members.”

  “I’ve just spent six weeks locking myself away in a tower, hoping my prince would rescue me. Two dogs would have been wonderful company,” I smiled, feeling mildly loose with alcohol. I pulled a piece of bread from the basket, tearing at the gluten, hoping it would soak up the liquor.

  “To new beginnings and the company of canines,” he intoned, raising his glass.

  I raised my glass, “To new beginnings.”

  “So why the need for protection? Some crazy spy work?” He cut at his steak as he spoke.

  “The tapes. I’m sure you’ve seen them. It has to do with that.” I didn’t want to give all the details away as I wasn’t sure Matteo’s location and I didn’t know how big Kevin’s mouth was.

  He fidgeted in his chair, glancing up at me for a moment before looking towards the waiter, motioning for more water. “No… I don’t keep up with all that celebrity stuff. Everything okay though, or should I worry for you?”

  I hadn’t realized how sketchy I sounded. “I’m very okay. It’s nothing really. Just an eccentric billionaire thought process.” He nodded his head and went back to his steak, unsure of where to take the conversation. I wasn't much help.

  “I’ve been working on using drones to observe the animals in the area. Getting ahead of any juveniles wandering away, or any clans moving into the town,” he began, “It keeps the animals safer overall and reduces our costs. I’m hoping to finalize the software in the next few months. I could always use a fresh set of eyes, and your expertise would be great.”

  I tilted my head, taking another sip of wine, “You created the program yourself?”

  “Yeah, I’ve been working on it for years. When I got the call to be at the shelter full time, I jumped. It allowed me to be in the center of the action.” I admired his dedication. It reminded me of the passion I’d had before I got swept up with Matteo. I missed that piece of myself — the part that was lost in the forest, dedicated to helping. “I’m free tomorrow morning around eight if you have time,” he said, standing to help me with my coat.

  I was sure this is how it all started. I begin talking to some other guy, fall head over heels then Matteo calls, begging for me to come back. I may as well put the cart in motion.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hannah

  In the last six months, I’d left my abusive husband of fourteen years, shared a whirlwind adventure with a billionaire, and found myself kidnapped at the hands of ruthless blackmailers. So, I decided to give myself a break from spiraling emotionally. Maybe I needed the time to get myself back to good. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to move on with my life. I needed to make new friends, not obsessively masturbate to old sex tapes that had been secretly filmed with a guy who no longer wants me.

  Today was the first day in six weeks and two days that I’d promised myself I wouldn’t wonder if he was okay. I wouldn’t think about his warm hands. I wouldn’t get lost in thoughts of hiring someone to track him down so I could surprise him in some creepy stalker way. Today, I would try to be me without him. But first, I would google his name one last time—only to find no new articles, no new photos. If I hadn’t had the videos, I would have thought I imagined the whole relationship. Googling did take me to some interesting Instagram posts, worthy of ideas I noted down on my list: against a bookshelf at the library, on top of a Ferris wheel, and more BDSM though this time with male domination.

  I stared down at the notebook I’d carried with me for nearly ten years. The list almost twelve pages long with only a small fraction crossed off. It had taken me eons to summon the courage to pursue these naughty fantasies. I wondered if there were others who loved the sport of sex but could also love me like the mother of their child, or if that was a unique combination I’d only find in Matteo.

  The meeting with Kevin was in an hour, and though I’d been up nearly all night with nightmares, I worked some magic to look like I’d only been up half the night. I dressed in j
eans and a long pink tunic, with a gold feather necklace that hung low between my breasts. I was excited to see the software Kevin had created for the drone, being able to see the animals before trouble found them meant much more stability in our faculties.

  When I arrived, he was already seated in front of three computer screens at my old desk. “I brought breakfast!” I said, setting the drink tray and paper bag onto the desk to pull up a chair. “So, what are we looking at?”

  Kevin stayed focused on the screens, pointing towards a den that looked to be in movement. “She will settle in soon, looks like she is getting the last of her food in before winter.” It was fascinating, seeing the bears in their natural environment without them knowing we were there.

  “Have you ever lost it? The drone?”

  “Not yet. If I do, there’s a tracker, so hopefully we can find her,” he answered, reaching for his coffee without looking away.

  “Her? She has a name?”

  “Oh, the drone? Her name is Sophie.” He stayed concentrated on the computer as he spoke, completely distracted by technology.

  “Sophie? Why, Sophie?” I asked, sipping on my coffee.

  He paused, looked towards me quickly, then back at the screen, “It’s a family name.”

  I leaned back in my chair, taking a bite of the blueberry muffin as it crumbled in my lap. He seemed oblivious to my presence.

  “Oh! Look, there’s a fox! He’s hunting as well,” I said, standing to point towards the small moving spot on the screen. My mouth was full when I spoke, dropping crumbs onto the computer desk.

  Kevin glanced towards me, his eyebrows raised. “Are you getting any of that in your mouth?”

  I tilted my head to the side and let out a cheeky grin, “Adorable, aren’t I?” He seemed unamused, refocusing on the screens—maybe I’d been wrong about falling head over heels.

  “Something that would be helpful is the ability to see vitals on animals we’ve rehabbed and released,” I said, shifting my focus away from my crumbling muffin.

  He leaned back in his chair, ready to give me an ounce of courtesy, his eyes now bloodshot, “That’s a great idea. We could align the chip in the tags with the software.” His voice lit with excitement at the new idea, as he jotted it down on a notepad beside him. “That will be huge if I can get it to work.”

  I smiled, happy that I could contribute to something outside of myself—happy that I was worth more than what I’d reduced myself to the last six weeks. “How long have you been here? I thought we were meeting up at eight.” He looked almost as tired as I did.

  “We were, but I couldn’t sleep. I was worried the software wouldn’t work. It’s the first time I’ve used it since a major update. Sorry if I seem distracted, nothing was happening until three minutes before you walked in. Everything is going as planned though.” He sighed and spun his chair towards me. “How are you feeling? We didn’t get into it much last night, but you sounded pretty torn up.”

  I rolled my eyes to the side and tensed, pushing away creeping thoughts of Matteo, “So far, so good.” I was ready for him to go back to staring at the drone footage—but he continued.

  “You know what helped me? One final text. Just for closure. Then deleting the number.”

  I took another sip of my coffee. “I’ve already texted him nonstop. He doesn’t reply.”

  “Yeah, I started like that too, but really, just text him once. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you’re moving on and leave it at that. If he doesn’t respond, then you have your definitive answer. It’s closure.”

  I looked down and away, wondering how we got talking about Matteo again—though I kept talking. “It’s stupid, but I keep thinking he isn’t getting my texts.”

  Kevin shot a look at me as though I should know better. “You know he’s getting them; he got all the rest of your texts, right? When you were still together?” I nodded, pulling my head down and away. I knew Kevin was trying to help, but now—I was really ready to stop talking about Matteo.

  “I’m sorry. I give unsolicited advice. It’s a problem,” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder with a half-smile. “You know, if you want something else to think about, I have tickets to an off-Broadway show in Reno this weekend. You could join. My sister was supposed to go, but she can’t make it back from Oregon this weekend. We share the same birthday month, so we usually plan something together.”

  “I’d actually love to get out of the house… I can pay you—”

  He turned back towards the computers, talking as he spun. “No… It’s not a big deal. Like I said, I already have the tickets.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kevin

  I turned on the dinosaur lamp that sat beside her bed and pulled out a book. Lately, we couldn’t read anything but Weather Duck, a story about a duck who only stayed until winter, then flew away. It was supposed to be teaching kids that everything has a reason for coming into your life, you should appreciate it, then move on. It was a good enough story—though I hate when children’s books hit so close to home.

  “Dad, please read it again… again!” Tiny ringlets sprung in her copper brown hair as she bounced away from her pillow—she looked so much like her mother.

  Tickling her potbelly, I tucked her back into her sheets. “Not tonight, you have school tomorrow.”

  She settled back in, then reached her short arms out for a hug, “Am I going to Grandma’s tomorrow because grandma promised next time, we’d make the cookies Grandpa and I love.”

  I wrapped her up, cuddling her innocence. It was moments like this that guilted hit me the worst. “Yup, you’re going for the weekend. Then Daddy will pick you up after school Monday.” Kissing her calmed forehead, I closed the door and shut off the overhead light, leaving the T-Rex to glow in hopes that it would help with the nightmares she’d been having.

  Since Vanessa left, her nightmares were nearly nightly, and despite therapy and extra bedtime stories, they seemed to be getting worse—which made me feel even more guilty for relying on my parents as much as I did. They took her every other weekend, and picked her up from school when work kept me late. Having them so involved was a blessing. But it wasn’t a replacement for her mom, and when she asked where her Mom went, I never knew what to say. Everyone told me I should be honest, tell her the truth in bits as she became old enough to handle it, though that was easier said than done. So, for now, I’d taken to holding my breath… hoping she’d forget mothers existed.

  Apparently, Vanessa had been planning to leave. She’d packed her bags, moved money, written us letters and decided which night to take off. Then sometime in the twilight on June 9th of last year was when she crawled out of bed, and never looked back. Sophie was four then—old enough to see that her mother had gone. And this, this was the guilt I was left with. A pang of blame that pursued my dreams, ate at my waking moments, and left me in darkness, I had no choice but to ignore.

  Yes, I’d pulled a lot of sixteen-hour days between the wildlife shelter and the practice on Cortez, but the time we did spend together was quality time. And I worked hard, so she didn’t have to. She wanted to be home with Sophie, and I wanted her to be happy. If she’d told me even once she wasn’t—I’d have tried to fix it. I’d have done whatever I needed to keep my family together.

  She did have the courtesy to leave notes for us—though we weren’t worthy of notice to where she’d gone. The only explanation that she loved us, but wasn’t cut out for family life—that she needed to pursue her dreams before she was too old. In one disarrayed line she mentioned how I’d worked too much, that I left little time for her and the connection she desired. But that seemed like a cop out, a last-ditch effort to rid herself of guilt. Next to the note, her engagement ring and a short rambling of words about chasing dreams meant for Sophie.

  For months, I was delusional, convinced that if I found her, I could bring her back. But five months later, when I found her on Facebook—I’d wished I left it
alone. On the mission page, in a photo with a doctor I’d worked closely with in Ecuador—her body—clearly displayed a pregnancy. I squinted my eyes, zoomed in the picture. It couldn’t be her. She didn’t want a family. She had dreams to pursue.

  The worst part was if she’d decided to come back, I’d have taken her and the new baby—just so Sophie’s nightmares would stop, so she could have her Mom again. I didn’t need love, but Sophie did. I could learn to forgive Vanessa as long as I knew Sophie was happy.

  Almost a year later, and I still go back to the picture. Either I’m curious, or I’m torturing myself—I’m not quite sure. Tonight, I was bored. Sophie was in bed, my head was pounding, and I couldn’t work more software codes if I wanted too. So, I poured a glass of whiskey and scrolled page after page of posts—stopping when I noticed her ringed copper curls.

  My heart stopped when I saw the baby now in her arms—and a smile wider than any I’d ever been able to give her. The doctor I’d called a friend leaned into her side as they stood in front of a small house on the hillside overlooking jade mountains. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to fly to Ecuador and show her all the pain she’d caused but I couldn’t muster the emotion—not when she looked so much like someone I loved more than life itself.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Hannah

  I’d fallen asleep to see Matteo’s face in a crowd, a market of some sort with curtains blowing in the breeze. I followed him, desperately wanting five minutes of his time. He turned the corner, walking down a set of stairs into the darkness. Racing after him, I screamed his name, somehow knowing there was danger below, but he continued. I screamed louder as shots rang out in the distance, plunging myself into the dark cave to chase him—screaming until I no longer heard his footsteps—screaming, until darkness was all I saw, and cold was all I felt.