Craving Cowgirl

by Khloe Summers

  Matteo shifted away from the counter and lifted me off, gathering his pants back up around his waist. I could tell he was hurting, I knew he wanted our reunion to be as intense as he’d imagined it. But I couldn’t stop thinking of Kevin, and how he’d held me into the nights without pause. Then, the thought of Sophie’s face at her birthday party, and how she’d drawn me a thousand pictures with the three of us in every place imaginable. How happy and comfortable I’d felt baking them apple pies and quietly hiking in the woods, how Kevin had been so excited to have sex that he’d come in four minutes, but still rolled in to please me. How hard he’d worked on the drone and the software; how eager I’d been to see it work. How with Kevin, I gained a life, a family.

  A prolonged bout of silence had constructed. Matteo laid his hand on the side of my cheek, then brushed down softly. “You and I… we make sense. Do you and Kevin?”

  “Don’t make her answer that!” Kevin was now standing in the doorway, his shoulders back, his head tall, as though he were defending his pride. “Hannah, he’s manipulating you. Can’t you see that? If it weren’t for the bucket list, he’d have moved on. You indulge him.”

  Matteo took aim at Kevin, “I have billions of dollars. I didn’t have to come find Hannah. I want her. I understand parts of her you can’t begin to comprehend.”

  “For how long—until something new comes along? Then what happens to Hannah? You obviously care very little about her well-being if you left her right after she’d been held hostage. That seems like something you’d want to be there for.” I’d never seen Kevin angry, though now his face had wrinkled with clear disgust.

  Matteo walked to the door, closing it. “Thanks for taking care of her while I was gone. I’ve got it from here.”

  Kevin held the door open.

  “Matteo! No!” I ran towards the entrance, pushing Matteo back, stepping outside with Kevin.

  He was shaking, obviously stressed, upset. “What are you doing? Do you still love him? Tell me you don’t still love him.”

  I wanted to tell Kevin just that, then run off to Monterey for a weekend of happiness. But he deserved more.

  “I love you… I just… I love him too. I wasn’t expecting him to come back.” My chin began to quiver. I sounded like an ass, and I felt every sharp sting.

  “So, I’m good enough when Matteo isn’t around?” He turned away, pursuing the rail on the porch to lean.

  “No, you’re good enough always. I just—I’m fucked-up! I’m giving up all these pieces of myself with you. And I can’t sustain it. I know I can’t. It’s a part of who I am.”

  He pulled back his head, “Giving up what?” He paused, “Oh, the bucket list… sex with strangers, sex with people watching. That sick shit you can’t let go of because of that asshole.” I’d never heard him curse. “You’re back on that again. Sex is not who you are Hannah. It’s something you like to do. And if sex is making your decisions for you, then you need help. I’ll get you the help you need. We can have a happy life together. He can’t keep you safe. He can’t love you like I love you.”

  There was rational thinking in every piece of what Kevin said, and that’s what broke my heart. He was right. He was completely right. I did need help. I needed help to the greatest extent of the word. Anyone who jeopardized their safety, their sanity, their heart… for sex… for a life with someone who lived on such jagged lines… did need help. But none of that mattered. I needed Matteo, because with him… I wasn’t a junky. With him… I was the drug.

  I looked at Kevin, my eyes welled with tears, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean for things to go this way. I’m poison. I’ll only hurt you.”

  Pulling away, Kevin redirected his anger towards Matteo, now standing in the doorway, “This isn’t over. I won’t let you hurt her again. You don’t get to play games with everyone’s lives.” Kevin glanced back at me, sadness now swelling the cavities in my face. “I wouldn’t make you cry like this. I’d never do this to you.” For a moment more, he stood, studying my expression, before tapping his keys in the palm of his hand, then turning away.

  I watched as he pulled out of the driveway, as he took with him the best opportunity I’ll ever have to be ‘normal’. Parts of me wanted to run after his truck, scream out for him to stop. But I couldn’t. It was only a matter of time before we’d fall apart, before he realized I was too much, before my fucked-up desires would need to be unleashed.

  Matteo met me on the front porch, holding me against his chest, “You’re going to question yourself, that’s okay. You love him. Shit, I think I love him too. He was convincing.”

  The thought of Kevin going home alone—the thought of never seeing Sophie again—it broke my heart. Though standing here with Matteo in the afternoon haze of autumn… felt different, as it had months ago lying in a field in Alaska. There was no definitive word that explained it, it just was. With Matteo, I belonged—without waiver, without change.

  “Should I ready the jet? I have a place in Switzerland. I should let you know though… I can’t let things go with Kings Ranch… it’s going to get messy before it gets better.”

  “No Matteo. Actually… I’m done running. What do you say we stay in Tahoe for a while? Figure things out as we go along.”

  He brushed his large hand against the back of my hair, then kissed my forehead. “As long as I’m with you… anywhere works. Though there is something I was hoping to talk about?”

  Lifting my head from his chest, I looked up at him, his eyes in hard focus with mine. The world had disappeared, and again it was just the two of us. “What?”

  “The bucket list… there is one thing that I added while I was away. Something that can’t wait for a second longer. Something that gets me harder than anything else we’ve ever done. My new number one…”

  My head tipped to the side, “What? The suspense is killing me…”

  He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and cracked it open. Inside, a round diamond on a platinum band. “Marry me…”