Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “Why am I the dog catcher?” Dante wanted to know. He and his husband Charlie were sitting side by side in a couple folding chairs near our tent, holding hands. “Why not Vincent? He’s younger than me, and since shit runs downhill, I’m pretty sure stuff like this should fall to him.”

  Vincent and Trevor came into the campsite just then, and Vincent asked, “What was that about me and shit?”

  The dogs returned for another lap. “Catch them,” Dante told his brother, and Vincent rolled his eyes.

  Suddenly, the Chihuahua slipped into the tent through the open zipper along the bottom of the doorway. I exclaimed, “Crap, I guess we forgot to close that part.” The bigger dog followed, stuffing himself through the gap awkwardly and rocking the whole tent.

  TJ and I got to our feet as he said, “I hope they don’t find the…oh hell.”

  The Chihuahua reappeared with a box in his mouth. As he raced across the campsite, he left a trail of flavored condoms in his wake. “Flavored,” Nana read as she picked up one of the packets. “I don’t get it. It’s not like you can taste anything with your – holy shit, what’s that?”

  Her dog had popped out of the tent with the blue sex toy in his mouth and started parading around the campsite with it as everyone howled with laughter. Several people jumped in and tried to grab it, and that just turned into a huge game of keep-away. The mutt seemed delighted at the attention and bounded around waving the toy. A blush ignited my cheeks, and when TJ and I looked at each other, his eyes were big as saucers. In the next instant, we both started laughing.

  “That looks like a Smurf’s wienie dongle,” Nana exclaimed. “I’ve never seen one like that! What’s the blue color for? Is it flavored like the condoms? I had a drink the other day that was that color, it was called blue balls. Is that Smurf dick blue ball flavored? It was a pretty tasty cocktail, even though I don’t know what that name means. I’ll mix up a batch for the grown-ups!”

  As she hurried over to the picnic table bar, TJ and I both glanced at Trevor. He looked more than a little surprised. Then he burst out laughing, too.

  Ollie appeared a moment later, waving the box of condoms. “Good news,” he said, “I got ‘em away from Diego Rivera before he could eat any.” I always wondered why his Chihuahua had a first and last name. Someone else had gathered up all the loose condoms, and once they were returned to the box, Ollie handed it to me. “Sorry about that,” he said. “I’ll buy you some new rubbers, those might have teeth marks in ‘em.” I managed a thank you as I felt myself turning even redder.

  Dante came over to us a moment later, looking a bit frazzled. Apparently, he’d emerged as the keep-away champion. He held up the dildo (God, was I glad we’d used a rubber with it, so at least it wasn’t sticky) and said, “This got pretty chewed up. You okay with me tossing it in the trash?” All TJ could do was nod. He looked horrified and amused in equal measure.

  Sawyer appeared at my elbow and asked me, “What’d I miss?” He’d exchanged the shorts for jeans. Whether the stockings were still on underneath was anybody’s guess.

  “Smurf dick,” I told him. When he shot me a confused look, I stuck the box in my jacket pocket and said, “Come on, TJ and I were just about to enjoy a pair of blue balls. You might like some, too.” He was chuckling as my boyfriend and I led him to the bar.

  *****

  A few hours later, after a random but surprisingly enjoyable potluck dinner with Nana and all her friends and family, TJ and I joined Trevor and Vincent in their campsite for a game of spades. Darwin and Josh were sitting cross-legged on a picnic blanket in a corner of the camp, holding hands and reading paperbacks by the light of a vintage lantern. I thought that was cute. Meanwhile, I sat across from my boyfriend at the picnic table, contemplating the big, green trailer to my right. It was adorned with an inflatable T-rex (the top half of the dinosaur, anyway), which jutted ten feet from the roof of the trailer and lit up the night. That glamping company was freaking awesome.

  “So, there’s some news,” Trevor told us as Vincent shuffled the cards. “We’re having twins.”

  I blurted, “Oh wow, congratulations! Were you surprised?”

  “Yes and no,” Trevor said. “At the start of this procedure, the doctor fertilized and implanted two eggs to increase the chances of a viable pregnancy. When they both took, the clinic tried to convince us to remove one of the fetuses to give the other a better chance of survival, but we just couldn’t do that. So, twins it is. The thought of caring for two babies at once is a little overwhelming, but we think we’re up to the challenge.”

  “You’re both terrific parents,” TJ said. “You’ll do great.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence,” Trevor said. “There’s more news, too. I’m quitting my job at the restaurant. I’ve already given notice and the chef has begun training my replacement. That’s actually why I had the night off tonight.”

  TJ seemed surprised. “I thought you loved that job.”

  “I did, but working in a restaurant meant missing five nights a week with my family. I just don’t want to do that anymore.” Vincent reached across the table and gave his husband’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

  “Do you have another job lined up?” I asked, and Trevor nodded.

  “I used to work with my friend River and his catering business before I took the job as a chef’s apprentice, and I’ve decided to go back part-time. He’d been running the company with his boyfriend and has been short-handed since they broke up. I’ll just be helping him with prep and cooking, as opposed to working the events, so I’ll have my evenings free. It’s a lot less money, but Vincent’s landscaping business is starting to take off, so we’ll make it work.”

  TJ studied the tabletop as his son-in-law began to deal the cards. After a few moments, he said softly, “I wish I could have given you what you’re giving your children. You deserved a dad who was there for you.”

  Trevor pivoted on the bench to look at his father. “You don’t need to apologize, TJ. A lot of things happened that were beyond your control. I don’t blame you for that.”

  After another pause, TJ glanced at his son and asked, “Could we go for a walk, just for a few minutes? I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

  “Yeah, of course.” They both got up from the table, and Trevor grabbed a flashlight and said, “We’ll be back soon.” He circled around and kissed his husband before he and TJ headed off into the campground.

  That left Vincent and me on our own. I got up and paced a bit, and when he picked up the cards and began shuffling them again, I snuck a glance at him. He was an intimidating guy, tall and muscular like his brother Dante, with an intense demeanor. He looked a lot like him too, with his olive skin, dark eyes and slightly long black hair. But unlike Dante, Vincent always struck me as a bit uptight. Every other time I’d seen him, he’d been wearing a dark suit, and he probably should have just stuck with that to go camping, since his black jeans and zipped-up black fleece jacket somehow managed to seem just as stiff and formal. I knew Vincent loved his husband and son fiercely though, so maybe there was more to him than met the eye.

  After a few moments of awkward silence, I asked, “Have there been any leads in the arson case?”

  He shook his head. “Dante’s still working closely with Cameron Doyle, the arson investigator. The two of them have become good friends, actually. I know Doyle and his department are doing everything they can to find the people responsible for that bar fire, but we keep hitting dead ends.”

  “Did your cousin Jerry ever turn up?”

  “No. We’ve been hearing all kinds of rumors about his whereabouts, that he’s in Italy, in New York, in L.A. Dante follows up on each lead, but so far, it’s done no good. Jerry’s still in the wind.”

  “Do you really think he turned on his family and was working with whoever set that fire?”

  “We’ll only be able to answer that question when we find him,” Vincent said.

  “It must be tou
gh to have this case unresolved, and to have to keep worrying about your family’s safety.”

  “It’s not easy.”

  “I hope you get some answers soon.”

  “So do I.” He adjusted his silver-framed glasses, glanced at me, and started to deal the cards. “What are we playing until they get back?” I asked as I sat down across from him.

  Vincent grinned slightly. “War.”

  I chuckled at that and said, “It’s nice to know I was wrong about you. I was just thinking that you seemed….”

  “Uptight?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I get that a lot.” As he drew his cards into a tidy pile, he added, “I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t know what to make of you and Trevor’s dad at first. That’s a hell of an age gap. But now that I’ve had some time to watch the two of you together, I’m beginning to realize you’re exactly what TJ needed.”

  “How does Trevor feel about it?”

  Vincent shrugged. “I think he’s gradually realizing the age difference is a nonissue, just like I did. You should try to spend some time with him though, and let him get to know you. I think that would be reassuring. He gets concerned about TJ, in a way I don’t fully understand. It’s almost like Trevor’s taken the parental role in some respects. He worries about things like whether TJ has enough to eat, or a warm enough coat for winter…it’s a bit odd. Since they came back into each other’s lives as adults, it’s almost like they don’t know how to be father and son.”

  “I’m glad they’re taking some time to talk. I’ve been encouraging TJ to do that.”

  “Good, keep it up.” Vincent grinned and rested a hand on his card pile. “You ready to lose at this?”

  I grinned too. “Ask yourself the same question.” We both flipped over our top card.

  *****

  When TJ and Trevor returned maybe forty-five minutes later, they were both in full makeup. I asked, “Were you hijacked by a marauding band of glam rockers?”

  TJ sat down beside me and said, “Close. Nana pulled us into her campsite on our way back here. Her drag queen friends are giving everyone makeovers.”

  “We left before the nail polish,” Trevor said. “That seemed like a big time commitment.”

  I leaned in and kissed TJ, then told him, “This is a surprisingly sexy look on you.” The smoky eyeliner and shadow brought out the light greenish blue of his eyes.

  “TJ turned out better than I did. He looks like he’s going out clubbing. I look like I escaped from a 1980s music video,” Trevor said. He wasn’t wrong, although he actually looked pretty good in the vivid eye makeup and pink lipstick.

  A flash went off, and I turned to look at Josh. He smiled and pocketed his phone as he said, “Wow, Dad, that’s a whole lot of look.”

  Trevor chuckled and said, “Don’t judge me.”

  “Oh no, this is a judgement-free zone. I’m just saying, next time stick to three colors of eye shadow, not six.”

  “There are only five colors, thank you very much,” Trevor told him.

  His son asked, “Have you guys given up on that boring spades game, and if so, can you switch to something we can all play?”

  “Sure. Like what?”

  “Poker. I’ll go get something we can use as chips.” Josh went into the trailer while Vincent and Trevor exchanged looks.

  “He knows how to play poker?” Trevor asked.

  Vincent shrugged. “Apparently.”

  Darwin slid in beside me on the bench and gave Josh’s parents a shy smile. “I don’t know how to play poker,” he said, “but I’d like to learn if someone’s willing to teach me.”

  Trevor spoke up. “I’d be glad to. Here’s the first thing you need to know: always keep an eye on any Dombruso at the table. They’re a bunch of cheaters.”

  Vincent tried to mask his amusement with a frown. “I can’t believe you’d malign your own husband like that.”

  “It’s a simple statement of fact,” Trevor told him. “Dante won a bar once playing poker. That sure as hell didn’t happen because he’s an awesome card player. You both seem to believe cheating is an integral part of the game.”

  Vincent considered that for a moment, then said, “It basically is, though.”

  “See?”

  Josh returned to the table wearing a visor and deposited a huge zip-top bag of candy on the table. He said, “We’ll assign dollar values to the different varieties. A piece of bubblegum is one dollar, a mini chocolate bar is twenty, and so on.” Vincent unwrapped a candy bar and popped it in his mouth, and Josh said, “You just ate twenty dollars.”

  “Bill me,” Vincent said, and ate another.

  His son rolled his eyes, then picked up the deck of cards and shuffled them like a pro as he said, “The game, gentlemen, is Dirty Shultz.”

  “I don’t even know what that means,” Trevor exclaimed.

  “Well, you’re screwed,” Vincent told him, and smiled at his husband when he shot him a look. Josh was chuckling as he dealt the cards.

  *****

  That night, TJ and I curled up in each other’s arms under the pile of blankets in our tent, and I said, “Well, this day certainly didn’t go as planned.”

  “Definitely not. It was a great day, though.”

  “How’d your talk with Trevor go?”

  “Terrific. Instead of a big, gut-wrenching heart-to-heart, we just had a good conversation about what’s been going on in our lives. I think we needed that more than anything. He told me about his husband’s completely premature efforts to baby-proof the house, which was pretty funny. Apparently, Vincent is the king of the ‘what if’ scenario. He can look at any perfectly innocent object and think of a way it could potentially be harmful. It’s quite a talent.”

  “I can totally see him doing that.” I fluffed our shared pillow a bit, then said, “It was nice to see them warming up to Darwin while we were playing poker.”

  “I thought so, too.”

  “Do you think the kids are going to try to get around the Great Big T-rex of Nope so they can mess around tonight?” The two dads had agreed to let Darwin sleep in their trailer, just as long as he and Josh remained at opposite ends. Trevor and Vincent had bedded down right in the middle, after somehow inverting the inflatable T-rex so it jutted into the main part of the trailer, creating a wall-to-wall barrier. They claimed it was a privacy screen, but I suspected it was a big, toothy obstacle to keep Josh and Darwin where they should be.

  TJ said, “I doubt it. From everything I’ve seen, Josh and Darwin are nearly platonic, aside from a lot of hand-holding and an occasional quick kiss on the cheek. Maybe I’m being naïve, but they both just seem so innocent, and I can’t imagine them messing around.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  “Should we check on Elijah one more time?” TJ asked after a moment.

  “Nah, he was almost asleep when we checked on him an hour ago. We should just let him rest. He seems pretty secure in his trailer.” Sawyer, Ari and Reese had bunked with their friends so Elijah could spend the night in the Purple Palace.

  We settled in comfortably, and TJ rested his forehead against mine. “This is so nice,” he whispered. “Our day’s ending just like it started, with just the two of us.”

  “I hope we have a million more days just like this one,” I said as I let my eyes slide shut.

  “Even the part with the family invasion?”

  “Even with that.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Martinsville, California, was bleak. There was no other word for it. A long-time drought had left the small, rural town brown and dusty. But even before that, most of the local businesses had shut their doors, creating a ghost town at the heart of the community.

  Jessie and Kai had found a car for Gabriel in record time. Just two weeks after our camping trip, I was behind the wheel of a 1982 Subaru Brat and on the way to surprise my friend with it. The car (or was it a truck?) didn’t look like much, but Jessie assured me it was solid and rel
iable. He and Kai had put in a lot of hours to make sure of it.

  Gabriel’s apartment building was a nondescript, two-story rectangle with eight units on the bottom and eight more stacked on top, along a narrow balcony. I parked in the weedy lot and slung a backpack over my shoulder, then climbed the stairs and knocked on the door to the last apartment in the row. The building was off by itself at the end of a crumbling asphalt road, and the view from the balcony was of fallow fields and a dry creek bed.

  My friend threw the door open and grabbed me in an embrace. “I missed you so much, Zachary,” he exclaimed as he held me tight. He’d always had a slight build, but he felt like skin and bones in my arms.

  “I missed you, too.”

  “Come on in,” he said, taking my hand and leading me into the small, tidy apartment. A striped Mexican blanket covered a sagging sofa, and when I sat down on it, I winced a bit at the scene before me. The sofa faced a shrine of sorts. A dozen candles in glass jars lined the top of the television, and above that, a three-foot-tall cross with a far too realistic bleeding Jesus figurine dominated the room.

  Gabriel sat down too and frowned at the makeshift altar before turning his attention to me. He was almost unrecognizable. His long hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, and he wore no makeup. The T-shirt, flannel shirt and jeans he wore hung from his thin body. He noticed my gaze traveling over him and said, “I know I look like hell, but don’t worry, I’m not using. This is just my attempt at blending in with the locals. Every day’s still a struggle, but I’m holding it together.”

  “I’m proud of you, Gabriel. I know it’s not easy.”

  “I’m proud of you, too. Look how far you’ve come!”

  “I’ve had a good support system.”

  “It’s more than that,” he said. “You’ve completely turned your life around. Are you going to keep waiting tables now that you and your boyfriend are becoming famous artists?”