Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

I grinned shyly. “Right back at you.”

  “It still amazes me that you want this as much as I do. That you want me.”

  I brushed his hair from his eyes and said softly, “Of course I do. I love you, TJ.” A look of concern passed over his features, just for a moment, and I asked, “Is something wrong?”

  He hesitated before admitting, “I’m worried about tomorrow. I know the focus of the meeting will be your dad’s case, but the lawyers promised to give you a chance to visit, too. I hope that won’t feel strained because he doesn’t approve of me.”

  “You were planning to come along anyway for moral support, so let’s take that a step further. I’ll bring you in at the end of the hour and introduce you. My dad can’t possibly disapprove once he meets you.”

  “Sure he can,” TJ said, “and I wouldn’t feel right cutting into your time with him like that.”

  “But my dad should meet the man I love, not because I need his approval, but because it might give him peace of mind.”

  He considered that before saying, “Alright, I’m willing to step in for a minute so your father can meet me, if you think it’ll help. I’m obviously not the priority though, so if you run out of time, that’s okay, too.”

  I picked up his hand and said, “I’ll make sure we don’t run out of time.”

  “Now that that’s decided, come on. We need to get home, stat.”

  He started towing me toward the parking garage, and I fell into step with him as I asked, “Do we have plans tonight? I didn’t think anyone was coming over.”

  “No one’s coming over, but we do have plans. I owe you one huge orgasm after that illicit rendezvous back at the aquarium. How do you feel about messing around in the storeroom?”

  “Works for me.” We’d had to improvise a bit, since Elijah moved into TJ’s sunroom right after the camping trip. For privacy, we’d hung a curtain over the fish tank to block off the line of sight from the living room. But the bathroom was only accessible by cutting through our bedroom, so we never knew when Elijah might knock on the door. For the last two weeks, we’d had little more than a stolen moment here and there, which had probably contributed to that afternoon’s public encounter.

  “I think you should try fucking me again,” TJ whispered, so we wouldn’t be overheard by the people we were passing on the sidewalk. “I know it didn’t work the first time, but maybe if we go buy another dildo, or maybe a set that’s graduated in size so we can open me up, it’ll go better this time.”

  “Just like that, I’m instantly hard,” I said with a grin, pulling my sweatshirt down over the bulge in my jeans, “and I love the idea of sex toy shopping with you.”

  “Then I’ll plan on stopping off in the Castro on the way home.” We started walking faster to the parking garage, and we burst out laughing when both of us broke into a jog.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The Castro was always busy, no matter what. Even on a random Thursday night in winter, the sidewalks were bustling in San Francisco’s gay neighborhood. I was never a fan of crowds, but it felt good to be there with TJ. It was one of the few public places where holding hands with my boyfriend felt like the norm, rather than an act of defiance.

  We’d made it halfway down the main drag when someone grabbed my arm and exclaimed, “Hello, you two!” We turned toward Alastair and a short, curvy brunette, and he said, “Zachary and TJ, I’d like you to meet my bestie, Rebecca.”

  The reception we got from her could best be described as lukewarm. She shook our hands and said, “It’s nice to have faces to put with the names.”

  “Big day tomorrow,” Alastair said. He was wearing an expensive wool overcoat, a hat, and a red scarf, and he looked like he was ready to go Christmas caroling…in 1889. “I for one feel good about this. My legal team is the best money can buy. If anyone has a chance of getting your dad out of that place, it’s them.”

  “Speaking of money,” I said. “I wish you’d let me contribute to their legal fees.”

  Alastair waved his hand, as if to erase the words from the air. “We talked about this. The stuffy lawyers are on me. Without the occasional random act of kindness, my heart will grow two sizes too small and I’ll turn into the Grinch. That’ll never do, since I look appalling in green.” He grinned and said, “Topic closed. Now tell me, where are you off to?”

  “Oh, um, we’re just doing a bit of shopping,” I hedged, then turned toward the street when someone called my name. I spotted Sawyer on a big, vintage motorcycle, and he grinned and waved. He was wearing a black leather jacket and a gray utility kilt, which he’d paired with black combat boots. It was a good look on him. He glanced at Alastair and flashed him a dimpled smile before weaving through traffic and disappearing from sight.

  “Well damn,” Alastair exclaimed, craning his neck to get a last look at my friend. “Was that the bloke from Jessie and Kai’s wedding?”

  “Yeah, his name’s Sawyer MacNeil,” I said.

  “He’s much hotter than I remembered.”

  “It’s probably the kilt.”

  “It’s more than that.” Eventually, Alastair stopped scanning the street and focused his attention on me. “Becs and I are on our way to the Castro Theater, there’s a Mary Poppins sing-along.”

  “Seriously?”

  He nodded. “Should be a hoot. We try to hit all the sing-alongs. Last month was The Little Mermaid. We missed Grease, though. I was devastated.”

  “I can see why.”

  “Would you two like to join us?” Alastair asked. “It’ll be a lot of laughs.”

  “Thanks, but we have plans,” I said. When I glanced at TJ, he grinned.

  “Ah, I see,” my friend said. “Those kind of plans. Have fun, you two. See you soon!”

  After we said our goodbyes and continued down the sidewalk, TJ joked, “Look at you, Mr. Popular.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We’ve been in the Castro five minutes, and you already ran into two friends.”

  “A total fluke. That’s almost fifty percent of the people I know in this city.”

  “It is not.”

  “Okay, not quite,” I said, “and I certainly don’t have a new BFF in Rebecca. Did you notice her reaction to me?”

  “To both of us, but it makes sense. From her perspective, you’re the guy who rejected her best friend, and I’m the asshole who helped you do it.”

  “The reaction makes sense, when you put it that way. But maybe the fact that her bestie was drooling over another guy right in front of me should show her we’ve all moved on.” A thought occurred to me, and I added, “Hey, maybe I should try to set up Alastair and Sawyer on a date. What do you think?”

  TJ considered the question, then said, “I can’t see it.”

  “They’d be a bit of an odd couple, no doubt about it. I can’t imagine what they’d have in common. But I think there was a spark back there.”

  “Yeah, okay. Maybe that’s the beauty of it, so wrong it’s right. Heir to the throne of a vast financial empire plus a lingerie-wearing ex-military badass….” TJ turned to look at me and asked, “Did I lose you?” I’d paused on the sidewalk and was staring at an orange and green RV parked at the curb. He backtracked to me, and when he followed my gaze, he murmured, “Oh.”

  The big motorhome had been converted into a mobile testing facility by one of the local AIDS outreach groups. A trio of men in matching sweatshirts were handing out flyers and trying to engage anyone who’d listen with their upbeat banter. For the most part, they were ignored. I could see why. People were out having a good time. They were clubbing, bar-hopping, hooking up. Meanwhile, here was this candy-colored dose of reality, a great, big reminder of where one night of fun could lead. The message was both vitally important and less than welcome.

  “It’s so stupid that I didn’t get retested as soon as we got together,” I said as a knot formed in my stomach. “I could be endangering you.”

  “We take every precaution.”

 
; “Still. I’m an asshole for putting this off.”

  “No you’re not,” TJ said gently. “You’re just afraid of what you might find.”

  “I’m terrified. God, TJ, what if I test positive for HIV?”

  “Then we’ll deal with it.”

  “You already watched the disease claim two of your closest friends. I was there with you at the AIDS Memorial Grove, I saw what losing them did to you. How could I put you through that again?”

  “That was over twenty years ago, Zachary. It’s so much different now. Back then, the diagnosis was a death sentence. Not anymore.”

  I stood there for a long moment. One of the outreach volunteers was standing on the RV’s steps, and he caught my eye over the crowd and gave me a friendly smile. He was a heavy-set guy of about forty-five with a thick beard. “The guy on the steps reminds me of my dad,” I said softly. After a moment, I asked, “How could I break the news to my father if I tested positive?”

  “You don’t know that you will.”

  “The odds are against me. Even though I tried to be careful, God knows what I exposed myself to when I was working as a prostitute. HIV might only be the start of it.” Fear and regret snaked through me, making me feel ill. “I hate myself for the things I did,” I whispered, “and for not getting tested the day you and I started going out.”

  “This is totally your call,” TJ said as he pulled me into a hug, “but I think we should go over there and get some answers. It’s scary, but not knowing is obviously eating away at you. I’ll get tested too, so you don’t have to do it alone.”

  I took a deep breath and said, “Let’s do this, before I chicken out.” I knew I couldn’t keep putting it off. Fear and denial had already made me delay getting retested longer than I should have. If I was sick, I had to know, so I could keep TJ safe. That, more than concern for my own health, propelled me forward. The counselor with the beard greeted us both with a warm smile.

  *****

  When we were curled up in bed that night, I stared at the ceiling through the darkness and listened to the fish tank’s familiar trickle. I’d been spending every night at TJ’s apartment since Elijah moved in, just because the teen felt comfortable with me and liked knowing I was nearby. After a while, I whispered, “That was brilliant planning on my part, getting an HIV test on the eve of seeing my dad for the first time in six years. It totally guaranteed I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.”

  TJ reached for my hand under the covers. “It’s going to be fine, you’ll see,” he said quietly, and shifted a bit to tangle his leg with mine. “I know you’re worried, but it’s going to be great to see your dad, and that meeting with the lawyers might be the first step in getting him released. As for the test, by tomorrow afternoon the results of the complete STD panel will be back, and there’s every chance they’ll all be negative.”

  “And if they’re not?”

  “Then we’ll deal with it.”

  A light tap on the bedroom door made me sit up quickly, and I called, “Come in.”

  Elijah stuck his head in and said, “I’m so sorry to wake you. I just have to use the toilet.”

  “You didn’t wake us,” I told him.

  “Okay, good,” he said, then hurried across the corner of the bedroom and pulled the bathroom door shut behind him.

  When he came out a minute later, drying his hands on his oversized flannel pajamas, he said, “Y’all can’t sleep either?”

  “Nope,” TJ said as he drew back the covers. “Why don’t we all go to the kitchen and fire up the oven, since we’re awake anyway? There’s some peanut butter cookie dough from yesterday, I say we bake it and have a midnight cookie party.”

  The three of us worked together to make the cookies. TJ and I had the job of forming the dough into balls, while Elijah was in charge of pressing them down with the tines of a fork. He was very precise about it, making sure each cross-hatch was aligned perfectly.

  Within a few minutes, we sat around the dining table with glasses of milk and a plate of warm cookies, and I asked Elijah, “Are you worried about seeing your family tomorrow? Is that why you can’t sleep?”

  He nodded. Chance and Finn had come to our house for dinner twice in the last two weeks, but Colt hadn’t been ready to forgive and forget, so he’d stayed home. On Thanksgiving, Elijah had come with us to Nana’s, where we celebrated with Trevor and his in-laws, while Chance, Finn and Colt had celebrated the holiday with Finn’s family. We were about to attempt a mini Thanksgiving at the warehouse a little over a week after the fact, and Elijah had been on edge for days.

  “Are you worried about goin’ to the prison and seein’ your dad?” Elijah asked. “My father was locked up for a while when I was little. I remember how scared I was to go there. I was seven though, I’m not sayin’ you’re scared like I was. I just mean prisons are kind of intimidatin’ places.”

  I admitted, “I am worried. I haven’t seen him in six years, and I have to wonder how much he’s changed. I know I’ve changed, too, so it might be super awkward. What if we feel like strangers?”

  “You won’t,” Elijah said. “You love each other. I know that for a fact, just from the little you’ve told me about him. Even if it’s awkward at first, I think you’ll move past it quickly.”

  “I hope so.”

  As I sat there chewing my lip, he asked, “What else is wrong? You’ve been totally on edge ever since you got home tonight.”

  After a pause, I admitted, “I took an STD test today. I’ll get the results tomorrow afternoon sometime. I um…I used to engage in some pretty risky behaviors, so I have a lot to worry about.”

  Elijah looked up at me from beneath a cascade of golden blond hair. “Let me know as soon as you hear the results, okay?”

  “I will.”

  “Thanks for bein’ honest with me. I hate it when adults try to shield kids from the truth.”

  “Well, you’re not a kid anymore,” I said. “You’re turning eighteen in just a few weeks.”

  “That seems weird to me,” he said. Instead of eating a cookie, he was slowly dissecting it and lining up the crumbs on his napkin. “I feel like I’m exactly the same person I was last year, and the year before. But somehow, eighteen is this magic number. Like, I just wake up one day, and ta da! I’m an adult.”

  “You had to grow up fast. Actually, all three of us did, for different reasons,” TJ said. “By the time I was your age, I was already a parent.”

  “I was in the very last moments of my childhood at that age,” I said quietly. “I was just this regular kid, going to school and making plans for college. My dad went to prison a couple months after I turned eighteen. The money ran out fast, and I became homeless two weeks after my high school graduation. It was a few years before I resorted to prostitution, but life as I knew it had already ended long before.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair.

  Elijah was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “All of our childhoods fuckin’ sucked.” I’d never heard him swear before. He looked at TJ and me and said, “Let’s be kids, just for tonight. Tomorrow, we can get back to worrying about every damn thing. But for tonight, let’s…hell, I don’t even know what a typical seventeen-year-old would do.”

  “What would Colt be doing?” I asked.

  “Playin’ videogames and eatin’ junk food,” he said.

  “So, let’s do that.” I turned to TJ and asked, “Are there any videogame systems in with all those electronics downstairs?”

  “Kind of. There’s an ancient Atari, and a twenty-year-old Nintendo.”

  “Close enough,” I said as I got to my feet. “Come on, let’s raid the repair shop.” TJ and Elijah were both grinning as they followed me out of the apartment.

  *****

  Sometime around three a.m., I leaned against TJ and kissed his cheek. We’d set up a big TV on the coffee table and spent hours playing videogames from the last century. They were a lot more fun than I’d thought they’d be.

  There hadn’
t been any junk food in the cupboards, so we’d improvised. We made chips by cutting corn tortillas into strips and frying them, then turned them into big, greasy nachos with a home-made cheese sauce and a fresh salsa. For dessert, we’d polished off the cookies, then made peanut butter cups out of a stray bag of chocolate chips.

  Elijah laughed at our efforts, calling our junk food attempts desperate. He’d enjoyed himself though, and that was good to see. I glanced over my shoulder at the teenager, who’d just fallen asleep on the couch. As I pulled the blanket up to Elijah’s chin, I whispered to TJ, “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

  We got up from the floor, shut off the TV and went into the bedroom hand-in-hand. As I fell into bed, I said, “This was just what I needed tonight.”

  TJ curled up beside me and kissed my forehead. “I think it’s what we all needed. That was a lot of fun.”

  After a pause, he said, “This will probably sound totally random, but what do you think about us becoming foster parents some day?”

  I glanced up at him. “Really?”

  “I’d given it a lot of thought in the past, but ultimately, I didn’t want to attempt it on my own. Having Elijah here got me thinking about it again. There are so many LGBT kids out there that need a safe, loving home. Of course, we wouldn’t do this immediately. I’m thinking maybe a year from now. For one thing, as long as Elijah needs the spare room, I wouldn’t even consider starting the process.”

  “Agreed, though I suspect he’ll be moving back in with his family before too long. It’s obvious he misses them, and I know the feeling’s mutual.” I rolled onto my side and draped my arm over TJ’s chest as I said, “Would your landlord let us cut a hole in the living room wall and add a second door to the bathroom? Our foster kid shouldn’t have to worry about bothering us every time he has to pee.”

  “The landlord would be fine with it. He let me cut a hole for the fish tank with zero complaints.” TJ studied me in the partial darkness and said, “It sounds like you’re seriously considering this.”