Charlie Ford Meets Secret Agent Man

by J.D. Tynan

  I was completely irrational at that point and began pacing in front of the Jeep and talking to myself. Out loud for the world to hear.

  "We're going die." I shook my head and kicked the dirt.

  "Oh my God, this is it. We're all gonna to die and it's all my fault," I continued on, still staring at the dirt as I chewed on my fingernails. "I should have shot him when I had the chance. Hell, I've had lots of chances. I could have just pulled the trigger while he slept, and my God…I let him kiss me. What the hell was that about? What was I waiting for? Shit," I yelled and turned on my heel and kept on pacing all the while raking my fingers through my oily hair. "Brick always said that I hesitated too much. He said it was my downfall, that if I just used my instincts more and didn't try to rationalize so much, I could have been a hell of a contender. He said I had gumption and grit and yeah, sure he mentioned that I had a nice rack once or twice…I mean I do." I looked over at Ryan and Armand who were staring at me with open mouths. "I do. I do have a nice rack, don't I?" I saw Secret Agent Man nod, and Armand just looked confused. Clearly, he had never witnessed a female have a nervous breakdown before, and I'm quite positive that he didn't know what a rack was.

  I continued once I got the vigorous nod from Ryan.

  "What's wrong with that anyway? Why was I so hell-bent on pleasing Brick? He was just my superior. He wasn't my dad." I tossed my head back and slapped my palm to my forehead. "I was good. I could have remained a part of the team, but no…"

  The slap Bella gave me was something right out of an old black-and-white movie. She put her hands on both of my shoulders and gave me a quick shaking that snapped me out of my hissy fit.

  "Get a hold of yourself. We are not going to die. I haven't kissed a boy yet—I haven't gotten my ears pierced—I haven't met Justin Timberlake. I want to go home. You have to get me home, Charlie. You promised."

  Thank God for Bella. Bella the drama queen had just saved all of our asses, because I was heading for a catatonic state; and who would step up and be the hero then?

  Hell, Ryan couldn't even step from the vehicle. Damn! I was so mad at him.

  "Ladies," Ryan shouted and got serious. "My guess is that since we haven't spotted anybody yet, we might not, but there's always that chance, so I think we should keep going." He had a point, again. I'm glad I hadn't shot him after all.

  "Fine." I got back into my Jeep and followed him. It wasn't too much longer before we ran into a small problem.

  "Oh, my God," Bella screamed, and clutched the dashboard with white knuckles. What looked like hundreds upon hundreds of wildebeest were blocking our path. None of them even looked fazed that we were approaching their feeding ground, but in time, I was sure one of them would make a stink, and then they would trample us all. I pulled up next to Ryan, but didn't dare look him in the eye. I was still beyond angry and on the verge of tears again. I mostly blamed this all on him.

  My fear was that somehow he had crawled under my skin and somehow it still mattered to me what he thought of me. I wanted to remain in control. I wanted to be strong and dependable. I wanted to be the steadfast hero who didn't cry at the drop of a hat. "Well," I groaned. "What now?"

  "We wait," he said quietly, then cut the engine. Surely, he couldn't be an expert on the feeding habits of the wildebeest on top of everything else. There must be something that I could do better than him. I stared at the side of his head and tried to think of something.

  "Where did you fuck up?" I asked, trying desperately to level the playing field by dredging up his mistakes.

  He narrowed his eyes. "How did you get past the trip wire?"

  "I paid attention in class," I retorted, and was so damn proud of myself that my lips bowed into a smug smile. If that wasn't a zinger, I don't know what was. I could feel his gaze and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smile.

  "You're an amazing woman, Charlie Ford," he chuckled lightly.

  I couldn't believe he just paid me a compliment. I tried not to blush. I tried not to smile. I failed miserably.

  "Thanks. You're not too bad yourself."

  I leaned back and smelled the roses while Ryan extended the antennae on his portable laptop computer thingy. It really didn't smell like roses out on the plains of Africa. It smelled more like elephant dung and sweaty feet. I peered over my toes to get a look-see at what Secret Agent Man was doing.

  He punched a couple of buttons and entered what looked like coordinates and a message that he was bringing civilians back with him. Something to the effect of "be advised, will need medical attention and cargo is intact."

  He looked over at me, closed the computer, and handed it to me. "It's starbucks."

  "What's starbucks?"

  "It's the password. In case I don't make it."

  Hearing him say that was like piercing my heart with a dagger. My heart normally didn't ache the way it had this week and placing my hand on my breast, I inhaled sharply and didn't even want to think about that possibility.

  "You'll make it."

  "I'm just covering my bases." He had the poker face down to a science. "We have about six hours before the team moves in and I don't want to take any chances, so please get Armand into your Jeep and I'll drive solo just in case."

  Then I got scared. One minute he was telling me that we were probably safe and then he was talking about making a contingency plan in case he died!

  "We're going to make it. You got us this far, didn't you?"

  "Actually, you got us this far, Charlie." His eyes lit up with a passion that I hadn't seen before. "I screwed up, Charlie. If it hadn't been for you, I'd be dead and my mission would've failed. I didn't look down. It was stupid."

  "So, what are you saying? You screwed up, so you don't deserve to make it back?"

  "No." He swallowed hard. "Just get Armand into that chopper. The South Africans won't kill him; they need him alive…at least for now." He didn't blink when he told me this.

  "Promise me."

  I felt like he was handing me the earth and saying,

  "Don't drop it." Sweat rapidly dripped from my brow. I brushed it off with my hand and then leaned out the side of the Jeep to touch his shoulder. I had hated the sight of him half an hour before and suddenly I wanted to hug him and tell him that it would be okay. I'm a wonderfully forgiving person.

  Chapter Eight

  I could see a cloud of dust on the other side of the infinite number of wildebeest and it was either an elephant herd, and the gangs of animals were about to rumble, or it was Jeeps kicking up all that dust. I chose to believe the latter and so did Ryan.

  We quickly peeled out and got to a shady area beside a vertical rock wall that seemed to touch the bright blue sky.

  Shit, shit, shit! I ran my clammy hands across my jeans and saw Ryan run his hands through his hair. He looked resigned, as if he was about to jump into their path on a suicide mission of sorts.

  "Help me get Armand into your Jeep."

  I jumped out and did what I was told for once. Bella helped me and soon it was the three of us and one Ryan. He pulled three handguns out from under his seat, and set one on the dash. Clearly, he hadn't paid attention in class, because he wasn't thinking like a sniper.

  I pulled a high-powered rifle from the back and slammed a round into the chamber before Ryan knew what I was doing.

  "No," he shouted. "Your job is to get Armand to the extraction point."

  "Bullshit," I snapped right back. "I'm not going to let you sacrifice yourself because you tripped on one God-damned wire. It could have happened to anyone and you don't have to do this alone."

  Anger grew in his eyes, along with something else. Perhaps it was fear. Perhaps it was a warm fuzzy feeling of love for me. I don't know. I'm not a man. Besides, who knows what goes through a secret agent man's head when he's about to commit suicide?

  "Charlie, for God's sake, this is what I do. I take chances like this, because I have to. I choose to and you have to listen to me for once and do what I'm fucking tellin
g you, God damn it."

  "I don't take orders from you," I said briskly and a bit breathlessly. I was worried about him. I actually cared if he lived or died and I believed that if he went out there alone, he was going to die. "Don't you believe in teamwork?"

  "You're a nanny for fuck's sake. Give it up, Charlie. You're not in the Army anymore. Why are you still trying to prove yourself to me?" he yelled, but then his voice cracked.

  "You had me at Buffoon."

  I laughed and choked back tears.

  "Don't start crying on me now, please, Charlie. For once, just do as I ask and get Armand to that chopper. Hundreds of thousands of people are counting on him getting home alive and I'm just one man. One." He held up a single digit.

  This was precisely why women need to stay home and raise babies. I was not about to let someone I cared about die, and it mattered not how many times he begged me, I knew he couldn't do this alone, not in his condition and not five against one.

  We could clearly see the Jeeps by then. They had stopped on the other side of the herd, waiting just as we had been doing.

  "Fine." I held my head high and lied straight through my grimy teeth. The gunk build up was horrendous and I couldn't wait to visit the dentist for a good thorough scouring.

  "Okay." He nodded and gave me his version of the plan. I had thoughts of my own, but I wasn't about to share them with the likes of him. He was just too stubborn; that just comes with the territory of having one of those things between his thighs.

  Bella remained out of earshot in the Jeep with Armand. I looked back at them from the hood of Ryan's Jeep and smiled to ease her anxiety.

  "Any questions?" he asked.

  "Just one," I said.

  Our gazes locked for a brief moment, so, okay, I had more than one question. I had about fifty but that was not the time.

  "Why are you such a stubborn ass?"

  "Once a Marine, always a Marine." He winked and took off, leaving me in a cloud of dust.

  "No. You're a man," I shouted and kicked the dirt in frustration. I looked over at Bella and gave her another smile before grabbing the rifle, a bag of ammo and a fig or two.

  I took off on foot for the highest peak I could reach without falling and breaking my neck. That was my specialty, what the Army trained me to do. I was once in the top ten percent of all military snipers. If I had a rifle, a scope and a bag of sunflower seeds, I could sit and shoot people all day long. I had steady hands, an eye for detail and a highly accurate shot that rarely missed. Plus, I was one, sneaky bitch!

  I could see the enemy's Jeeps clearly and none of the men were in any hurry to disturb the herd. One even tipped back in his seat, looking up at the sky.

  The more I thought about it, the more I hated Ryan's plan. Ryan's plan sucked.

  I tried channeling my inner spirits of good luck and although I had never been called lucky in my life, I knew that had to change at some point, so I got in position atop the cliff and took out the driver of the first Jeep in one precise shot. It seemed all too easy for me, but I was still afraid for Ryan's life. He was pretty much a sitting duck if we did it his way and I wasn't about to let that happen. I guess I was never good at following orders. Sure, I did it, but I hated it.

  I reloaded my weapon while chaos ensued on the other side of the herd. Men were standing up in their seats, struggling to arm themselves, and jumping behind their vehicles.

  I took another shot and accidentally killed a wildebeest.

  My bad.

  "Sorry," I muttered to God about taking the life of such a magnificent creature, but really, they're kind of ugly. I reloaded and took out two tires with two more bullets. I still had a handful of ammo and all the time in the world. One of their own dropping into the dirt clearly hadn't upset the beasts and they just continued on, gnawing on the grass and pooping every five seconds. "Damn, that's a lot of shit," I growled and reloaded. I hit one of the Jeeps, sending the entire thing into the air, because I had hit the gas tank. "Nice shot," I said aloud and looked over to see Ryan still making his way across the vast field to get into position for when the herd passed. The herd simply looked up from grazing at that time and then continued on. It was an amazing sight to see.

  "Ah, hell," I mumbled under my breath.

  Mother Nature had just tossed a wrench into the works. Hunched under the tall grass were two lions. I could either take them both out, and I really didn't want to mess with Mother Nature's survival of the fittest rule, or I could pray that when the beasts started running, they would run over the bad guys and not Secret Agent Man.

  I chose to wait a minute and pray to God for the answer.

  I guess Brick was right about me rationalizing too much because the mama lions were hungry and decided to pounce while I was in mid-prayer. I hesitated and now I was crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Dust billowed into the sky as I had never seen before and I saw Ryan taking off toward a couple of trees. The herd seemed to be going in the opposite direction and had the bad guys on the run. There were only three left standing now. Two had just cowered under the Jeep, but the third one… "Yow, that had to hurt."

  Now there were two bad guys. Two I could deal with. The herd finally mellowed out on the other side of the small stream after the lions took down a feeble, limping member of their family and although I felt sorry for the frail animal, I knew it was nature's way. I also knew that bad guys were getting into their Jeep and heading toward Ryan, despite their two flat tires.

  I took another shot before they reached the trees and when the Jeep hit a termite mound and rolled over, I knew for sure that I had hit the driver, but for good measure, I aimed for the back of the Jeep and put a bullet into the gas tank. The red vehicle shot through the air like something out of a movie and I climbed back down the cliff, tucked the rifle under the seat, thanked God for my father…again, and headed toward Secret Agent Man.

  He wasn't as happy to see me as I was to see him, but that changed when I sent him an incredibly sexy, cocky smile.

  "Woman." He shook his head from side to side with a smirk. "What do I have to do to get you to follow my orders?"

  I didn't have the heart to tell him that nothing short of marriage would get me to love, honor and obey another man for the rest of my life.

  Bella climbed out and jumped into the Jeep with him.

  "Can we go home now?"

  I laughed. At least she didn't say, "Are we there yet?"

  ***

  Armand and I had a nice chat on the two-hour drive toward that invisible little line in the sand. I learned all sorts of interesting things about the kingdom that he ruled. He was actually Prince Armand and ruled Gaborone, a small territory that I had never heard of, somewhere north of South Africa. Apparently, he had been traveling incognito since the fear of his assassination had frightened members of his parliament.

  I clearly understood why the hijackers executed the other African men. They were part of his traveling secret service. Obviously, the people of his country could learn a thing or two from our secret service about protecting their leader. I still didn't understand why Ryan was on that plane, unless he was there as back up because whatever three-letter agency he worked for didn't trust Armand's bodyguards.

  Armand couldn't help me out with my inquiry and I figured that I would never fully understand what Secret Agent Man was doing. It didn't matter, then. I could almost taste freedom, I could almost smell pancakes with real maple syrup and I could most definitely smell gas.

  I sniffed the air.

  Uh oh! My Jeep sputtered, stalled, and then died completely. Ryan's on the other hand seemed to be doing fine. He pulled up beside me and grinned.

  "Problem, little lady?"

  "Bite me!" I couldn't help it. I was just having a semi-orgasmic fantasy about real food and then I would just have to wait that much longer. Shit.

  "Hop in," Ryan said.

  I helped Bella move all the supplies from the dead Jeep into the one that was still running. I h
elped my new friend, Armand, into the passenger seat and then crawled in beside Bella in the back. The humidity had me sweating in strange places. The clouds that had moved in above looked dark and ominous.

  Two hundred feet later, and just after I had sopped up the rest of my sweat, Ryan's Jeep sputtered, stalled and then died. I had known that was coming, but I had high hopes for pancakes and bacon. "Now what?" I inquired.

  "Now, we walk," Secret Agent Man stated the obvious, and had both Bella and I rolling our eyes at him.

  "How are you going to walk?"

  "You're going to carry me, sweetheart."

  "Ha," I said, but I think he was serious. "Really?"

  "You can do it, can't you?" He was smiling now and testing my patience. What else was new? He'd been testing my patience since he demanded that I give him my purse on the airplane.

  I balked, I snorted and then I giggled. "You're a pain in the ass."

  "Don't I know it? Now come here, honey."

  I hate to admit this, but I rather liked it when he called me honey. Sweetheart—not so much, but honey just sounded like music to my ears. I packed Bella up with as much as she could drag behind her and then I looked over at Armand.

  "Who's going to carry him?"

  Ryan looked at Armand, who looked frail, weak, and ready to pass out again.

  "You can drag him behind you on a blanket."

  "Who do I look like, the Incredible Hulk?"

  "I can help Ryan," Bella stepped up to the plate and eased under Ryan's armpit. I hadn't been more proud of her than I was right at that particular moment. She had been a heck of a trooper. She hadn't whined about getting her hair dirty. She hadn't moaned about missing MTV, or the fact that bad men were trying to kill us. I thought she was an amazing girl with more resilience than most adults I know.

  "Thanks," I said and then I wrapped two corners of the blanket around my wrists and told Armand to get on and hold on tight. The road was going to be bumpy.

  "I will walk." The tone of his voice was regal and proud. His chin tilted toward the sky. "I can make it."

  And he did.

  ***

  An hour and a half later, we took a different path to the left and ended up crossing a small stream. The night sky made it difficult to see and rain had just started pouring down on top of us with drops the size of gumballs. It was getting more and more difficult to hold Ryan up, more so now he was drenched. I could see that he was clearly exhausted, but so was I.