by Juanita Kees
‘Fen? Heather’s here!’ Liv’s call drifted through the office door.
‘I’ve got to go, Sarge. I’ll see you in a couple of days then.’
‘Good girl. The detectives will want to debrief you after, whether you remember anything or not.’
‘Got it.’ The thought of unleashing the horror of her past made her skin crawl with goosebumps.
‘And, Fenella? You be careful, okay. Don’t take any risks. After burying Muzz, Liv wouldn’t want to lose you too. You’re everything to her. I don’t think I can handle bringing her that kind of bad news again.’
‘No risks, I promise.’ The memory of the day Riggs had come to deliver the news that Muzz had collapsed outside the hardware store remained etched in her memory. She never wanted Liv to be that broken again. Fen hung up and pushed away from the desk as Heather appeared in the doorway. ‘Goodness, I think that baby will make his or her appearance any day now.’
Heather groaned and leaned back against the door frame. ‘Tell me about it. I think I’m carrying a future Olympic gymnast.’ She patted her belly.
‘Are you sure you’ll be okay with Liam today? I’m sure you’d rather have your feet up.’
Heather waved a hand at her. ‘Oh God no! I’d go crazy. Besides, exercise is good. It will help this little monkey find his way to the door out of here. Where is the young man?’
‘He’s out amongst the vines with his dad.’ Fen shuffled papers on the desk into neat piles and tried to push away the trepidation that came with the thought of her upcoming excursion. ‘I’ll let Kieran know you’re here.’
‘Everything okay, hun? You look a little stressed.’
Fen looked at Heather with her bulging belly, thought of Harry who remembered little yet still played such a big part in the community, of Tameka and what she’d been through. This town didn’t deserve more trouble. And that’s what it would get if she couldn’t bring Luke and his father to justice. She forced a smile to her lips.
‘All good. Just some business I need to take care of in the city. I’ve put it off for far too long.’ Fen shrugged.
‘Anything I can help you with?’
That feeling of knowing something awful was about to happen clawed at her belly. She shook her head. ‘No-one can. I’ll only be free if I can unlock the truth of lost memories. I’m terrified, Heather. I don’t know what I’ll find when I do. It’s like a secret I’ve kept for so long I don’t know if it’s the truth or a lie anymore.’
Heather lowered herself gingerly into a chair in front of the desk. ‘You know as well as I do that it won’t be the first time a secret has surfaced in this town. Riggs told me about Martha and some of the trouble you’re dealing with. It’s comforting to know she had a heart after all, but darn it, no-one deserves to die like that.’
She shivered and rubbed circles over her belly. ‘I’m here for you, Fen. As a friend, a counsellor, a confidante, if you need one. Kieran and Liam aren’t the only ones who need help. You do too. And I can assure I will stand behind you every step of the way. Repressed memories are usually the result of something terribly traumatic and facing those nightmares without a support group could have you rocking in a corner. I don’t want to see that happen to you.’
Rocking silently in a corner in the shadows under a table with a knife. Been there. ‘Thank you. What happens next depends on the presence of triggers. For years, my therapist has advised against consciously looking for those triggers, and now I’m forced to find them anyway. I wonder how much of what’s happened with Luke could have been avoided if I’d gone looking to settle the past sooner?’
‘Wouldn’t it be nice if we had all the answers? So much in life could be avoided. The thing is we don’t and who says the outcome would have been any different? I don’t know your whole story, but I’m here if you need me to help.’
‘Thank you.’ Fen sighed. ‘Baby steps, Heather. Let’s start with Liam. I’ve set up a corner in the playground where you’ll be sheltered from the wind and cold. There is paper, crayons, paint and some other stuff there to keep him occupied. If you need anything else, Liv will sort it for you. The cellar and café are closed for business today, so Liv will be around doing some book work, clean up and stock take. I’ll be out there amongst the vines getting my hands dirty, but please yell out if it gets too much for you and I’ll take over.’
‘I’ll be fine, hun, and so will you. You won’t be alone this time.’ Heather nodded towards the window. ‘That’s some serious manpower you have out there. The girls can’t wait for summer to see what’s under that jumper and how much the skinny rebel kid has filled out.’
Fen glanced in the same direction and caught sight of the exposed skin and muscle between the waistband of Kieran’s denims and the hem of the bloody jumper in question as he lifted Liam into the air. Jealousy pinged through Fen like another email landing in her inbox. She sent it straight to the recycle bin. Kieran didn’t belong exclusively to her. It might be he never would. ‘Then they’d better dust off their gloves because they’ll be picking grapes while they do it.’
Heather grinned. ‘If I was you, I’d padlock the gate for the whole summer to keep them out.’
‘Kieran and I are friends. That’s all. If he wants to date anyone in town, he can.’ Each one of the single girls were welcome to take their best shot at getting a date with him. That thought shouldn’t hurt so much or make her see green when she had so much more to worry about. She stepped around the desk. Physical work would help take her mind off how much she stood to lose. ‘Let’s get this party started.’
* * *
Kieran watched Fen and Heather walk out onto the deck of the café. ‘C’mon, mate, we’ve got to go up now.’ He pointed to where the digger reversed off a truck bed and mentally crossed his fingers that Liam wouldn’t resist. ‘The machines are coming in to help pull out the old vines and we need to keep you safe.’
‘But, Daddy, I want to see.’
‘You’ll be able to see it from the playground, mate.’
‘It’s too far.’
Fen skipped down the stairs and walked towards them as Liam planted his booted feet in the mud, resisting the tug of Kieran’s hand. Damn it, he’d thought that after yesterday, Liam would have had a good night. But instead of sleep, exhaustion had brought more of the same haunted dreams and broken rest, and this morning both their moods edged on volatile. Liam’s lip pouted, his face set to stubborn and his weight dragged at Kieran’s arm.
‘Hey, guys,’ Fen called. From behind her back she pulled out a yellow hard hat and waved it towards them. ‘Look what I’ve got for you, Liam.’
The drag on his arm released as Liam’s attention focused on the hat. ‘For me?’
Fen reached them and dropped the hat on Liam’s head with a quick pat. ‘Yes, for you. You’re our supervisor today. See, Heather has one too.’ She pointed to where Heather waved from the deck.
Liam released Kieran’s hand to touch the hat. ‘Why?’
Fen smiled. ‘Because you need to watch from the playground to make sure we’re taking out the right vines. If you see us taking out the wrong ones, you need to tell Heather.’
‘Is it a ‘portant job?’ Liam took the hat off, studied it a moment and put it back on again.
‘A very important job. So important that even Lucky is on duty. He’s in his cage in the playground. He’d love it if you could give him some morning tea later? His food is in a tub on the table.’
‘O-kay.’ Liam drew out the word on a sigh. ‘I guess.’
Fen held out a hand for a fist bump. ‘Thanks, mate. Off you go then.’
Kieran caught Fen’s gaze as she straightened. Damn it, he could sweep her up and kiss her stupid for averting another crisis. Instead, he watched his son take off at a run with one hand keeping the hat in place, the other pumping at his side. ‘That was clever thinking.’
Fen shrugged. ‘Not really. I figured he might need an incentive. How’s he doing?’
He wat
ched Liam climb the stairs and give Heather a shy high five, but Liv was there too and then Liam was skipping between them towards the playground. ‘I thought yesterday would tire him out enough.’
She reached out to touch his arm, the wool of his sweater no barrier against the feel of it. ‘It will take time. Give him a chance.’
He placed his hand over hers. ‘I know. It’s just sometimes I wish … God, I don’t know what I wish anymore. If Diane had lived … things would only have got worse. There’d be more damage, more fall out.’
‘You’re doing fine with him. He’s young enough for some of those unpleasant memories to fade completely and leave no scars. I wasn’t there to see how things were between you and Diane, so I can’t say what is right or wrong. But I know that you would have given her everything she needed, everything you had to give. You don’t know any other way to give. Her death was not your fault.’ She slipped her arm through his and tugged him to take a step forward with her. ‘There are no losers, no winners. Only survival and a future for Liam.’
‘We’ve got through worse.’ He hugged her close, loving the strength and warmth she brought with her. God, he’d missed that. He’d missed everything Fenella—her perfume, her humour, her hugs, the way she worked through things even at her lowest, most difficult to deal with moments. Nothing at all like Diane. Fen was a survivor. Her leather wrist guards and dark clothing were no longer the symbol of a girl on the edge, but that of a woman on a mission not to fall back on the past. He could do this. With Fen by his side, he could handle it. Together they could handle anything. Hadn’t that always been the way?
‘And there’s still more to come. We’ll get through that too.’ She leaned her head against his bicep for a moment.
It would be so easy to turn and take her in his arms. Kiss her until the last flicker of Diane’s memory between them faded, until only the good memories of Liam’s mother remained. But they weren’t quite there yet. Not when Fen’s demons still roamed amongst the tangle of her life in the city.
She tugged on a pair of leather work gloves. ‘So Riggs has set up a meeting with Cherish for the day after tomorrow. Will you be okay with that?’
Tension pulled his muscles into a knot between his shoulder blades. ‘That was quick.’
‘He’s keen to get this over with.’
She looked at him and the uncertainty in her eyes tugged at his chest. She was nothing like Diane and everything like him and Liam. A child who’d lost a birth mother, a girl affected by the trauma humans inflicted on one another, a survivor who deserved to be free of her past and untouched by the harm of the present. How they handled the future would depend on the depth of their bond.
‘Then come over tonight and we’ll go over the logistics of how we’ll deal with this when we get there. If Liam goes alright with Heather today, maybe she can convince him to start kindy. He’ll be safe with the other kids and plenty of people around him.’
‘If not, he’ll be fine with Liv and Riggs. There’s a lot to distract him here. He might get overwhelmed if he goes to school and we’ll be too far away to get back to him quickly.’
His heart warmed. He loved that she cared about his boy the same way he did. If her world imploded though, would it be enough? If bad memories returned to eat at her mind, would she be strong enough to stop herself from picking up a knife again or would she be tipped over the edge the same way Diane had been? The answer had to be yes to being strong enough because he couldn’t bear it if Liam became a witness to another tragedy, nor would he lose Fen when he’d only just found her friendship again. When the scars had finally begun to heal, and his son was on the road to being a normal, happy, well-adjusted little boy.
Chapter 13
Fen stretched against the tug of tired and taut muscles as she walked up the path to the cottage. A long soak in the tub after a hard day of physical labour had gone a long way to ease some of the stiffness from her back and the tension created by the thought of having to go back into the city. She’d never wanted to go back to that place or wanted to remember the things that had happened there, but Antoinette’s case deserved closure, whatever the truth that came out. And she’d make sure Martha Wallace’s killers received the justice they deserved.
Lights blazed at full wattage inside the cottage. Liam’s sobs reached out through the gap in the open window and wrapped around Fen’s heart in a tight grip. Torn between turning away or stepping up to the door to offer help, she stood with one foot on the bottom step leading up to the verandah.
Tomorrow Kieran would be at her side when she walked into the unknown, taking time away from his son to support her. The least she could do was find a way to help him out tonight. Surely Liam would stay with her for a while, so Kieran could get some sleep. Fen rolled the tension from her shoulders under her warm jacket, shrugged off the doubts and climbed the remaining steps. As a friend, she could reach out a hand to help.
With Lucky as a buffer, the little boy was slowly beginning to trust her. Trust that was slowly developing into a bond. She was starting to like the kid.
She knocked on the door and pushed it open. Liam’s cries echoed down the hallway. Tired, helpless, forlorn cries that reached in and made her own eyes tear up and a lump of sadness lodge in her throat. Kieran murmured soft reassurances, the floorboards creaking under his feet as he paced. Fen stepped into the lounge room of the little cottage, leaning a shoulder against the door frame. Over Liam’s head, she caught Kieran’s gaze. He smiled, a weary tug to his lips.
‘Sorry. I thought he’d be settled by now.’ His apology came out softly against Liam’s little head tucked into his shoulder.
‘Bad dream?’ Fen pushed away from the door.
‘Not asleep yet. I’m not even sure what’s triggered this.’
The raw ache of desperation in his voice made the lump in her throat grow. ‘How can I help?’
‘I don’t know.’ His hand moved soothingly over Liam’s back as the cries turned to hiccupping sobs, the volume decreasing, muffled by Kieran’s flannel shirt.
Fen stepped closer, her hand on Kieran’s arm, his warmth easing the chill from her fingers. ‘Hey, Liam.’
The little boy angled his head to look at her, eyes bright green with tears, his thumb finding its way into his mouth. Behind them, the hands on the clock on the mantelpiece moved to eight o’clock. Way past a four-year-old’s bedtime. And by the look of the fatigue on Kieran’s face, way past his too.
Fen held out her arms to Liam. ‘Would you like me to tell you a story while your dad makes you some hot chocolate?’
‘No.’ Liam buried his face in Kieran’s shirt, his little fists bunching into the material.
‘It’s Lucky’s favourite story. He likes to hear it before he goes to sleep.’
Green eyes so like his father’s found hers. ‘What’s it ‘bout?’ A little hiccup followed the question.
‘It’s the story of how a lizard was rescued and found his forever home. Would you like to hear it?’
‘Daddy wants to hear it.’
Fen dropped her arms and pushed her hands into the pockets of her jacket. ‘Okay, how about I go make the hot chocolate and some popcorn then. We can have a picnic in front of the fire and tell stories until we all fall asleep. Is that a good idea?’
‘Maybe.’ Liam pushed a little away from Kieran’s chest. ‘Can I bring my blankie and Woolly?’
‘I’m sure Woolly would love to hear the story too.’
‘K.’ He looked up at his father, his tiny hand reaching up to touch the beard along Kieran’s jawline. ‘Is it okay, Daddy?’
Relief eased the lines of fatigue on Kieran’s face. ‘Of course it is.’ He set a wriggling Liam down on his feet. ‘I’ll set up the picnic spot while you go and get Woolly.’
Liam disappeared up the hallway to the bedrooms in a flurry of socks and cartoon pyjamas. Fen slipped out of her jacket, Kieran’s hands there to take it from her. He leaned in and pressed his warm cheek to her cold one. A sma
ll gesture, a simple thank you that shouldn’t make her heart race, but it did.
‘Thank you.’ He whispered the words against her ear, his hand squeezing hers. A simple action that shouldn’t feel so damn intimate. That shouldn’t make her want to curl around him and absorb all the pain he carried inside.
Fen stepped away. ‘I’ll make that hot chocolate now.’
‘Sure.’ Kieran moved, dropped her jacket over the back of a chair then moved to the sofa and tossed cushions onto the floor in front of the fire. He dragged a throw rug off the backrest and spread it out on the carpet.
Fen turned and made her way into the kitchen. She filled the kettle with water and flicked the switch, reached up and pulled mugs from the cupboard, and focused on the task at hand. To help Liam fall asleep and let Kieran get some rest.
While she waited for the kettle to boil, she turned off the overhead lights and turned on the softer glow of the small lamps around the house, all while trying to push the intimacy of flickering firelight, subdued lighting and being alone with Kieran from her mind. This was for Liam.
Hot chocolate and popcorn ready, she carried the tray back into the lounge room. Kieran and Liam were snuggled together on the floor under the throw, propped up on cushions and pillows. Fen placed the tray on the floor.
‘You come under the blanket too, Fen.’ Liam held up the corner of the throw.
Firelight flickered over the features of father and son. So alike, so damaged. What the hell was she doing falling in deeper when tomorrow lay ahead full of the horrors of the past? Her stomach churned at the thought, a timely reminder of the reason she’d come over tonight.
A story, a mug of hot chocolate, and when Liam and Kieran were asleep, she’d sneak back home to Lucky for company. And tomorrow, she’d face the past alone while Kieran stayed to take care of his son. That was the safest option. The only choice. She slipped in next to Liam and tucked the blanket under her thigh.
Liam snuggled down between them, tears and tantrums forgotten, the only sign of his distress the dried tracks on his pink cheeks. ‘What is the lizard’s story name, Fen? Is it Lucky?’
