T. S. Eliot the Poems, Volume 2
Page 33
st. 28 He looked the whole world in the face: Longfellow: “He looks the whole world in the face”, The Village Blacksmith 11. shittard: (shit hard?) Urquhart’s Rabelais I xiii: “Shittard, | Squitard, | Crackard, | Turdous” etc.
(st. 32)
One day King Bolo’s big black queen
That pestilential bastard
She rolled aboard Columbo’s ship
In a state not drunk, but plastered.
The chaplain he that good old man
That shy old whorehouse rascal
He slipped his prick inside her drawers
And buggered her (in the asshole).
(st. 33)
Now while Columbo and his men
Were shaking dice for roubles
In burst King Bolo and his queen
With a frantic cry of “Blueballs!”
They rolled around beneath the trees
And lunched on ham sandwiches
And Columbo cried “Produce the rum
For these epoch-making bitches.”
(st. 34)
One day Columbo came aboard
With a bunch of big bananas
He took the chaplain by the drawers
And shoved one up his anus.
The chaplain he that good old man
Was reading in a missal
He dropped the book upon the deck
And cried out loudly “Kisshole”.
(st. 35)
One time Columbo when at sea
Grew very constipated
For forty nights and forty days
It was just as I have stated.
Then to the Virgin he did pray
Before his faithful vassals
“Give me a hundred shits apiece
From 100,000 assholes.”
st. 34 “Kisshole”: kissel (rhyming with “missal”), a sweet dish made of fruit juice mixed with sugar and water.
st. 35 For forty nights and forty days: of Lent. G. H. Smyttan and F. Pott: “Forty days and forty nights | Thou wast fasting in the wild, | Forty days and forty nights | Tempted, and yet undefiled” (hymn).
(st. 36)
The queen said just to pass the time
I will ask you a conundrum.
And the question which I will propose
Is “what’s Chinese for cundrum?”
That, said Columbo, is a joke
But it seems to me so coarse
Such conversations I have heard
From the lips of Spanish whores.
(st. 37)
Two eunuchs from the sultans court
Were very curious figures.
Some Chinese pimps from Hoangho
The rest were jews and niggers.
They also had among the crew
Ten brawny Irish muckers.
And to keep them going on the trip
Some Portuguese cocksuckers.
(st. 38)
Now fry my balls! Columbo cried
I feel as strong as Sandow
Let someone quickly go and fetch
My passionboy Orlando.
st. 36 conundrum · · · “what’s Chinese for cundrum?”: Browning: “What’s the Latin name for ‘parsley’? | What’s the Greek name for Swine’s Snout?”, Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister, 15–16 (with its dirty book, “scrofulous French novel”, 57). conundrum · · · cundrum: Chambers Slang Dictionary “cum” has “cum drum … (also … cundrum) [1930s+] a condom with a reservoir for semen.” OED “cond, cund” 2. “To conduct (a ship): to direct the helmsman how to steer” with Smith’s Seaman’s Grammar (1692): “To Cond or Cun, is to direct or guide, and to cun a Ship is to direct the Person at the Helm”. For “confected by the cunning French · · · female stench” see note to WLComposite 268–69.
st. 37 niggers: for six lines of uncertain authorship, including “We had two niggers to carry our grips”, see TSE to Frank Morley, 2 June 1933. muckers: “a coarse, rough person”, Cent. Dict. (1890). OED includes, from 1897, Kipling, Captains Courageous (a pertinent title): “Don’t I know the look on men’s faces when they think me a—a ‘mucker’, as they call it out here?” Partridge: “A friend, mate, pal: Army” since ca. 1917”.
st. 38 Sandow: Eugen Sandow (1867–1925), father of modern bodybuilding.
(st. 39)
The Boatswain was a man of mark
Well known as Worthless Walter.
He found the Chaplain fast asleep
Perusing of the psalter.
He took him swiftly by the pants
And buggered him on the alter;
And the Mate said, (with a knowing look),
“I’ve seen that done in Malta”.
(st. 40)
’Twas Christmas at the Spanish Court!
They dined on roast flamingo.
Columbo gave a Awful belch
That broke a stained-glass window.
The King at that was so perturbed
He nearly was struck dumb (oh!)
But the Queen exclaimed, with perfect tact,
“You son of a bitch, Columbo!”
(st. 41)
’Twas Christmas on the Spanish Main,
The wind it up and blew hard;
The vessel gave an awful lurch
And heeled ’way down to leeward.
The Chaplain was so very scared
His breeches he manured;
And Columbo slid along the deck
And raped the smoke-room steward.
(st. 42)
Columbo and his caravels
They set sail from Genoa.
Queen Isabella was aboard—
That famous Spanish whore.
Before they’d been three hours at sea
They fell into a quarrel,
And Columbo showed his disrespect
By farting in a barrel.
st. 39 The Boatswain was a man of mark: sent by TSE to his Milton Academy and Harvard contemporary Howard Morris, 24 Oct 1929, with the first four lines of st. 30.
(st. 43)
Now while King Bolo and his Queen
Were feasting at the Passover
Columbo and his Merry Men
Rolled in teakettle-arse-over.
They all sat round his festive board
And dined on fried hyaenas;
And the King said: “Have a piece of tail
With a juicy bit of penis”.
(st. 44)
The Ladies of King Bolo’s Court
Were called “the Broadway Benders”,
And likewise called “The Fore and Aft”
Or else “The Double Enders”.
Columbo took a single look
And hitched up his suspenders.
“Come on, my merry men” said he:
“These look like old offenders.”
(st. 45)
King Bolo crowned his Big Black Queen
As Queen of Love and Beauty.
“For”, said he, “who is there on our isle
At once so sweet and sooty?
At once so fresh and fruity?
At once so rough and rooty?
st. 43 Passover: Particulars of the lively behaviour of King Bolo at the celebration of the Passover (ms, Huntington; title from envelope). Postscript of a letter to Aiken, 21 Nov 1963: “Do you remember what happened when the Columbian crew were feasting at the Passover? If not, I will rehearse it to you.” And dined on fried hyaenas: “I also like to dine on becaficas”, second of the epigraphs to The Sacred Wood (unattributed there; Byron, Beppo 337).
st. 44 Benders: Historical Dictionary of American Slang ed. J. E. Lighter (1994–): “7. Homosex. a male homosexual who habitually assumes the passive role in anal copulation” (but first citation 1971). The Double Enders: Edna St. Vincent Millay: “My candle burns at both ends; | It will not last the night; | But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends— | It gives a lovely light”, First Fig in Poetry June 1918. For “double entendre”, see letter to Aiken 19 July 1914, quoted above. suspenders: OED 4a: “strap
s passing over the shoulders to hold up the trousers. Chiefly U.S.” (as opposed to 4b: “A device attached to the top of a stocking”).
Let’s celebrate the day!” he cried,
“With a game of water polo!”
And bestial blacks set up a shout
For their Monarch, Good King Bolo.
(st. 46)
“Now buggar my ear!” the bo’sun cried,
“Now where does all my rum go?
“My reason leads me to suspect
That bastard, Chris Columbo”.
Columbo sat upon the poop
Perusing Titus Livius;
But the he took that bo’sun by the ears
And rammed his head down the privy-house.
(st. 47)
King Bolo’s big black Cousin Hugh
Was called the family failure:
His pot bum was large and black and round –
But he had no genitalia!
And yet he was so full of fun
That nothing could deject him;
And the children, for a bed-time treat,
Would buggar him in the rectum.
(st. 48)
King Bolo’s big black bastard Kween
(That practickle Bacchante)
Was always tidy fore and aft
Although her clo’es were scanty
And when the monarch his men
Went out to throw the discus
The Kween sat by to rince her Kwunt
And comb her belly whiskus.
(st. 49)
Now when Columbo and his ships
Regained the Spanish shores
The Spanish ladies swarmed aboard
By twos threes fours.
st. 48 Bacchante: OED: “A priestess or female votary of Bacchus”, from 1797: “She capered with the intoxication of a Bacchante”. rince her Kwunt: for “They wash their cunts in soda water”, see note to The Waste Land [III] 199–201.
Columbo first took off his bags
And then his shirt and drawers
He spun his balls around his head
And cried “Hooray for whores!”
Flourish. Skirmishes and alarums. Cries without. Exeunt the king and queen severally.
st. 49 bags: OED 16: “Clothes that hang loosely about the wearer; (colloq.) trousers. pl.” from 1853. Partridge: “A low variant, from ca.1860 but ob., is bum-bags”. (The line is corrected from March Hare.)
Fragments
1. There was a jolly tinker came across the sea
With his four and twenty inches hanging to his knee
Chorus With his long-pronged hongpronged
Underhanded babyfetcher
Hanging to his knee.
2. It was a sunny summer day the tinker was in heat
With his eight and forty inches hanging to his feet—
13. O tinker dear tinker I am in love with you
O tinker jolly tinker will half a dollar do?
24. O daughter dear daughter I think you are a fool
To run against a man with a john like a mule.
25. O mother dear mother I thought that I was able
But he ripped up my belly from my cunt to my navel.
41. With his whanger in his hand he walked through the hall
“By God” said the cook “he’s a gona fuck us all.”
50. With his whanger in his hand he walked through the hall
“By God” said the cook “he’s a gone and fucked us all.”
Published in March Hare. Verso of the last leaf of Suite Clownesque, which is dated Oct 1910 at the foot. The comic numbering of the Fragments is TSE’s, alluding to the many traditional variations.
four and twenty · · · the hall · · · “he’s gona fuck us all” · · · the hall · · · “he’s gone and fucked us all”: The Ball of Kirriemuir (trad.): “Four and twenty virgins | Came down from Inverness · · · They fucked them on the balcony; | They fucked them in the hall. | God save us, said the porter, but | They’ve come to fuck us all”, text from The Faber Book of Blue Verse 293 (see Ricks 1992).
Balls to you said Mrs. Sonnenschien
Balls to you said Mrs. Sonnenschien. God strike you where youre sittin
And as for this here house of yours, it isn’t fit to shit in.
Published in March Hare from recto of the leaf with ms frag of Portrait of a Lady (III 31–41) on verso. The leaf (Beinecke) is headed, in pencil, Fragments from the Ballad of Harmony Court, but only these lines are also in pencil. Two other fragments, in ink and in a more spiky hand, are incorporated as st. 17 and 18 in The Columbiad.
Harmony Court: written and composed by F. Allsopp & C. Yorke (1904).
Balls to you said Mrs. Sonnenschien: “Balls to Mr Finkelstein, Finkelstein, Finkelstein | Balls to Mr Finkelstein, dirty old man” (trad. blue verse).
Mrs. Sonnenschien · · · house: “Sonnenschien” in ms, but referring to the publisher W. S. Stallybrass of the publishing house Swan Sonnenschein. Born Sonnenschein, Stallybrass had taken his mother’s maiden name (TSE to Richard Aldington, 12 Feb 1926).
it isn’t fit to shit in: “He wasn’t fit to shovel shit, | The dirty rotten bugger”, The Good Ship Venus (trad. blue verse).
There was a young lady named Ransome
There was a young lady named Ransome
Who surrendered 5 times in a hansom,
When she said to her swain
He must do it again
He replied: “My name’s Simpson, not Samson”.
To Frank Morley, from Harvard, “St. Stephen Protomartyr [26 Dec] 1932”.
TSE had written to Morley, 20 Dec 1932: “I have an undeserved reputation for limericks which I must live down”, but less than a week later, enclosing this, he admitted “I know several good Limericks now.”
There was a young girl of Siberia
There was a young girl of Siberia
Who had such a tempting posterior
That the Lapps and the Finns
Kept inventing new sins
As the recognised types were too stereo–.
Published in The Faber Book of Blue Verse from ms in Valerie’s Own Book. Date of composition unknown. C. L. Sulzberger recalled TSE at Harvard in 1933: “Timid and withdrawn as Eliot was in class, he had a talent for banging the piano and singing a huge number of limericks, some of which I suspect he had written himself”, A Long Row of Candles (1969) 4 (James Loucks, personal communication).
COME, Glorious Rabbitt, how long wilt thou slumber
COME, Glorious Rabbitt, how long wilt thou slumber, lying supine or prone in luxurious lair.
Shaking the sleep from besotted eyes, spring a surprise, do something to make ’em all stare,
Sturdy of hoof and long in the toof, Thunderer, grasp hard the bastards by the short hair.
Not once, or twice, shalt thou bugger ’em, in our rough island story,
But again and again and again and again, leaving their arseholes all gory;
And when I say, again and again, I mean repeatedly, I mean continually, I mean in fact many times,
Chaunting a one-way song in mellifluous proses and rugged tempestuous lines I mean rhymes.
Lord of a hundred battles, a cauliflower ear and 1000 hardwon scars,
Proclaim aloud to the morning that a r s e spells arse.
Enclosed with letter to Pound, 7 Jan 1934.
Rabbitt: to Pound, 5 Apr 1933: “Rabbitt my Babbitt”. 29 Nov 1934: “a big man like Brer Rabbitt can spit whar he please”.
how long wilt thou slumber: Proverbs 6: 9–10: “How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? · · · slumber”.
Shaking the sleep from besotted eyes: Milton: “Methinks I see in my mind a noble and puissant Nation rousing herself like a strong man after sleep, and shaking her invincible locks”, Areopagitica (1644) 34.
Thunderer: OED 2: “fig. A resistless warrior; a powerful declaimer or orator, an utterer of violent invective or the like; spec. as a sobriquet of the London Times newspaper.” (Pinned to th
e poem was a press cutting with a photograph of the newspaper proprietor Lord Rothermere.) Pope: “E’er Pallas issued from the Thund’rer’s head, | Dulnes o’er all possess’d her antient right”, The Dunciad (1728) I 8–9.
our rough island story · · · gory: Tennyson: “Not once or twice in our rough island-story, | The path of duty was the way to glory”, Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington 201–202, 209–10. See note to Defence of the Islands [18]. To Pound, 12 Feb [1935]: “Not once, nor 2ce, in our rough island story, the Possum’s Stink has saved the land of Hope & Glory.”
one-way song: Faber published One-Way Song, Wyndham Lewis’s “considerable poem of two thousand lines”, in Nov 1933. TSE wrote a Foreword to Methuen’s new edition in 1960.
a r s e spells arse: as opposed to “ass” in The Columbiad.
That bird wych in the dark time of the yeerë
To John Hayward, 26 Oct 1936, on Emile B. d’Erlanger’s translation into French of Murder in the Cathedral:
its first impression is to make me feel like that morose bird, the scritch-owl, in the words of Thomas Chatterton (the something boy who perisht in his pride), to wit (to who):
That bird wych in the dark time of the yeerë
Sitteth in dudgeon(1) on the aspen bouwe
And cryeth arsehole arsehole lhoude and cleerë …
(1) The word does not occur in this sense until 1573.
Published in Smart 101.
Chatterton · · · pride: Wordsworth: “Chatterton, the marvellous Boy, | The sleepless Soul that perished in his pride”, Resolution and Independence 43–44.