Ilan
Page 16
“At Mira and Josh’s house. There’s another shifter there too. Zach? Evan? I’m not sure. They look the same to me when they come into the bar.”
“You’re okay?”
“I am now that you’re here.”
“Oh, Sara.” Ilan skims his hands over my cheeks and hair, then gathers the locks in his hand.
With my head held still, he leans over me and kisses me again, gentler this time. The full, rolling thrusts of his tongue along mine aren’t sweet, though. They’re wickedly decadent. My lower belly warms the longer we kiss. This isn’t the right time or place for the lust, but I can’t stop it. I’ve missed Ilan. Ached for him as if he took a piece of me with him when he left.
Turning my head, I break our kiss. Ilan’s lips skim over my cheek, and his exhales ignite tingles across my skin. “Do you know how to read and write?”
Brows pinched, Ilan studies me. “Yes.”
“How about texting? Do you know how to text?”
“On my phone?” He stares at me until I nod. “Well…yes.”
“Good.” I drag my fingers through the short strands of his hair to the back of his neck, then simply hold him. “Then there’s no excuse for you not to respond to my texts.”
Ilan’s eyes narrow. “I was a little busy today.”
“Too busy to type a single word and hit Send? Or the letter ‘k’? An emoji?” I stand on my tiptoes and let what I’m really feeling show in my eyes. “I ached for you today, Ilan. As if I was missing a piece of myself.”
Ilan rests his hand on my jaw and brushes his thumb over my lower lip. “You are missing a piece of yourself.”
I swipe my tongue over the spot he caressed. “I am?”
Ilan nods, then leans close, his mouth to my ear. “Yes. I stole it.”
“Stole what?”
“A piece of your soul when I bit you.”
My breath catches. The memory returns. “The white, glowing ball…that was…”
“Your beautiful soul. I claimed a piece as is my right as your true mate.”
“You were the darkness…the…cold air and smoky wall.” I look into Ilan’s carefully neutral face. “You stopped me from going to you. I wanted to lock myself to you and never let you go.”
“My soul was once like yours—white, pure, innocent.” Ilan holds my face in his hands. “It didn’t last long before it darkened, became what you saw. Thousands of years, Sara. That’s how long I’ve lived like that, in the cold, with the screams of those I’ve killed echoing in my soul. If I allowed you close, the darkness would consume you, extinguishing your beautiful bright light. I couldn’t allow that to happen. You don’t know what the darkness is like.”
“But I belong there, don’t I? I’m supposed to be a part of your soul.”
Shaking his head, Ilan steps back.
I grab his hand and twine our fingers. “My light to your darkness. That’s how it should be, right?”
Ilan stares at our joined hands for a long moment, then drops his chin to his chest and closes his eyes. “Yes. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“Then why push me away?”
“To protect you.”
The urge to shake this stubborn man grows by the second. I settle for stepping into his embrace and fisting his shirt with my free hand. “Why?”
“Because no matter how much I’ve denied it, the truth is obvious.” He rests his hand at the base of my spine and focuses on me. “I still believe in lies.”
“Love is a lie. Don’t fall for it.” Ilan’s words return to me.
He loves me. That’s what he’s telling me. Ilan loves me and wants to protect me from the darkness inside him, the effects of the long life he’s lived without me.
I open my mouth, then close it without saying anything. A man like Ilan won’t be swayed by what I say. He needs to feel the truth. He will, and if he doesn’t, I’ll help him. We’re meant to be together. I realized that years ago. Ilan’s a stubborn man, though.
His open mouth brushes mine so his exhaled air warms my lips. “I’m talking in circles. I realize that, but you need to trust me, my mate.”
“I do.” Talking about emotions will only make this harder for Ilan. Instincts rule him. Following those primal drives will be easier for him and more satisfying for me. Ilan, a little wild, is better than I ever dreamed. That side of my lover isn’t one I can unleash here, however. Maybe in the guest room upstairs, though. Riley Kagan said I was welcome to crash there tonight.
Easing out of Ilan’s embrace, I tug on our joined hands. “Let’s see if there’s an update on Ezra.”
“I already got one.” His expression turns grim.
“Is he going to be okay? Ezra saved me and Soren, Ilan. He has to be okay.”
Ilan pulls me back into his embrace and rests his forehead to mine. “When he wakes, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
I snuggle closer to Ilan, needing his warmth, his strength. “What if he doesn’t wake? Ella said Royals shouldn’t be out this long. That his metabolism is higher, and he should’ve already worked the drug out of his system.”
“He’ll wake. Uri’s positive about that.”
“He’s here? I texted him too. He didn’t respond either.”
One corner of Ilan’s mouth rises in a small smile. “See? Not responding to texts must be a shifter thing.”
Or a male one. “Well, I’m not a shifter. I need something, anything, a—”
“A single word, a letter, an emoji.” Ilan’s smile widens. “I know.”
An equal smile to match Ilan’s spreads over my face. This might not be the right time for it, but this moment comforts me in a way I can’t really explain. Maybe it’s knowing Ilan will make every effort to give me the connection to him I need, or maybe it’s being able to share something ordinary while danger looms over us. I’m not sure, but I love Ilan a little more because of this smile.
Feeling stronger, simply better, I turn the conversation back to the topic that’s left me stressed all evening. Well, one of them. “Why is Uri positive Ezra will wake?”
“Royal felines can speak mentally with other Royal felines when they’re close, just as Royal wolves can do with other Royal wolves. Ezra’s trying to reach out to Uri and talk to him, but it’s like there’s a foggy wall between them. The words aren’t getting through. Uri feels it thinning, though.”
“That’s a good sign, right? Whatever Ezra was drugged with is losing its grip on him.”
“Yes.”
“And the other man you know. Daegan. Did you get to hear anything about him?”
“I didn’t know he was here, but as long as he didn’t lose his head, he’ll heal. Royals are tough, especially ancients. Time hardens us. I’m more interested in how Daegan ended up getting hurt in the first place.”
The concern in Ilan’s voice spikes mine. “You know him, don’t you?”
“We were raised as brothers.” Ilan slides me a cautious look. “He’s the best of the best.”
And now Daegan’s here in this hospital, nearly decapitated, skinned, and missing his hands and feet.
I swallow hard against the implications, but they’re hard to ignore. If someone hurt the man Ilan considers a brother and the best of the best, someone could do the same to Ilan. Maybe even the assassin who’s supposed to be coming for him.
Twenty-Three
Sara
The moment the elevator doors close, Ilan twists the service key on the control panel, locking the door, then turns to me. The look in his eyes stops my heart. Need. He takes a step toward me. I back up, the urge to run strong, even though I don’t want to run from Ilan. I want to lock him to my soul, never lose this man who’s been mine since the day I looked into his eyes.
Ilan presses his hands against the elevator wall on either side of my head. “Ella told me what happened.”
So did I in those texts he didn’t read. Well, actually, I gave the very basics. I didn’t touch on my fear or how Soren reacted to the threat.
“But you did shoot.”
“Soren was screaming.” And I never, ever want to hear him shriek again.
Ilan bends his head closer, his contact lenses hiding his true eyes but not the intensity in his gaze. “But you did shoot.”
“Yes and missed. Well, not exactly missed. The bullet hit him, but not in the spot I was aiming for. You said between his eyes.” The full impact of what I did overwhelming me, I turn my conflicted gaze on him. I would’ve committed murder. “I never shot a gun before.”
“Or so much as committed any traffic violation.”
How he’d know that is a mystery. Actually, it’s not a stretch to think he knows more about my personal life than a mere coworker would. He did recognize me as his true mate at first glance. If I was in his position, I’d want to learn everything about the other half of my soul too. Except all he’d likely uncovered were facts, not my motivations. “Cars are dangerous. There are speed limits and rules for a reason. Breaking those puts others at risk unnecessarily.”
“That first night Soren came into our lives, you urged me to get in your car so you could get us out of there. Would you have sped?”
If the elevator wall wasn’t at my back, I would’ve slinked away. Being put on the spot is not a pleasant feeling, even though I understand Ilan’s trying to learn my motivators. Some things are best left untouched, however. My reasoning for what would make me commit a crime is one of them. “It didn’t happen, so it’s a silly to guess what I would’ve done.”
Ilan skims his fingers along my jaw to my chin, then holds it, locking our gazes. “If we were in a car and there was a threat to us, would you speed?”
The demand to answer truthfully is one I can’t ignore. So much for avoiding this unpleasant topic. “Yes.”
“But you don’t speed all the time. Why?”
Since I can’t shake my head, I roll my eyes. So much for my silly fantasy of having Ilan ravish me in this elevator. There are no cameras in here, and that look in his eyes once he turned to me was all about need. Not desire for my body, apparently. He was consumed by the notion to ask me ridiculous questions. “Because there’s no reason to speed all the time.”
“Just as there was no reason to know all the details of my conversation with Dante and Uri back at your house.”
“I’m not sure how speeding and—”
Ilan brushes his lips over mine and lowers his voice. “Just answer, my beautiful mate.”
His tone is pure sin. Irresistible. Too bad I can’t give him the response he wants when I don’t see the connection he’s trying to make. “Soren deserved my complete attention then. He reacts too easily to my moods. I couldn’t allow myself to be agitated over something I have no control over.”
“But you trust in me to control those things you can’t, don’t you?”
Brows pinched, I study Ilan’s face. The excited glint in his eyes isn’t what I expect, but it goes along with this whole confusing conversation. “Of course.”
“Why?” Ilan skims his fingers over my cheeks before moving his hands to my shoulders. “Why do you have such a deep trust in me?”
The answer to this question is easy and complex at the same time. “You’re my true mate.”
Ilan dips his head so we’re eye to eye. “And why is this connection we share—a connection you didn’t know about until I explained it to you—the basis for your trust?”
“It just is.”
“Why?” Ilan speaks the word softly, but I feel the compulsion to answer in my bones.
“You’ve lived for thousands of years, Ilan. Without me. I’ve seen what that’s done to your soul. I’ve felt the coldness inside you.” With my hands splayed on Ilan’s chest, I push up on my toes and lean into his powerful embrace. “And now that you’ve claimed me, you won’t let me go. You told me that, and I believe you. I’m your balance, your other half, the light to your dark. You won’t betray me or the bond we share. Doing so will only end up hurting you. So…why wouldn’t I trust you?”
Ilan draws me closer, our bodies touching. With his shaft lengthening and hardening against my stomach, he slides his hands down my sides to my hips. “I could be lying to you about our souls belonging together. Haven’t you even given that any consideration?”
“I knew we belonged together the moment we met. It was…” I bite my lower lip as I try to put my thoughts into words. “An obsession, maybe? A soul-deep certainty? I’m not sure, but I felt as if something clicked when I met your eyes. As if you were what I was waiting for when I didn’t even realize I was waiting for anything.”
“The darkness inside me…” He slips his hands under my shirt and skims them up my sides, stopping at the edge of my bra. “The sins I’ve committed have done that to me. I’ve carried out horrendous sentences, killing thousands of people over my life. Once I allow you into my soul, you’ll be able to experience every kill through my memories. You’ll see how I struck them down in silence, rarely giving them a chance to fight back. Often, they didn’t expect death until their heads dropped at their feet.”
Ilan’s pain presses down on me, making me ache for him. He’s viewed his life as if he was the evil one, not those sentenced to die. I cup the side of his face with my hand and stare into his eyes, letting him see the strength and acceptance in mine. “My grandmother was a sniper, Ilan. She was given her marks and took them out. No questions asked. I don’t view what she’s done as evil. Neither does she. My grandmother saved people, just as you’ve saved people. Had you not acted, those you’ve targeted likely would’ve continued to kill or do whatever they were doing to get sentenced to death.”
“Mya didn’t deserve death.”
The conflicted tone is easy to hear. I even understand why, but focusing on what might’ve happened is as useless as discussing under what conditions I’d speed. “Mya didn’t die at your hands.”
“But she would have had you not been there. I didn’t kill Mya because of you. Because I didn’t want you to suffer the loss of her.”
He’s told me this before but his story doesn’t quite match the details he’s just shared. “Often, your marks didn’t know death was coming until their heads landed at their feet. Didn’t you just tell me that?”
“Yes, but—”
“Why did you come into the bar that night? Why not wait outside for Mya? Or at her house? We weren’t the only ones at the bar. The bartender and cook were still in the back. Another waitress was even behind the bar, prepping for the next day. Surely you didn’t plan to kill Mya in front of so many potential witnesses. Did you?”
Ilan stares at me for a long moment before his eyes narrow slightly. “No, I wouldn’t have killed Mya near potential witnesses. I’d planned on following her once she left.”
“Then why did you come inside?”
Ilan eases out of my embrace. Turning away from me, he runs a hand over his head. “Emotions distort a person’s scent. Mya’s anguish was so strong that night, I smelled her pain in the parking lot, almost like a trail of tears leading from her car to the building. It caught the attention of my wolves. They wanted to…”
I step in front of Ilan, but I don’t touch him. He put distance between us for a reason. This topic has turned emotional, and Ilan doesn’t deal with feelings. He acts on instinct. “What did your wolves want to do?”
After a long moment, Ilan drags his attention from some spot on the floor to my face. “Comfort her. They wanted to know why she was upset, and they wanted to comfort her.”
Exactly as I expected. I barely stop my triumphant smile from spreading. Only seeing the conflicted expression on Ilan’s face stops me. “Have they ever wanted to comfort a target before?”
/> Ilan holds my gaze for so long, I’m not sure he’s going to respond, but finally, he shakes his head. “When I hunt, my wolves are driven to kill.”
“But they weren’t with Mya, were they?”
“Mya was with you. I recognized you for what you were the second I saw you. Killing Mya would’ve hurt you. The two of you were obviously friends.” Ilan repeats the points he’s already made as if trying to convince himself.
“But when you were outside and scented Mya’s anguish, you didn’t know I was there or that I was your true mate.” I step closer to Ilan but keep my hands at my sides. “Your protective instincts toward Mya had already been triggered. You wouldn’t have even come inside had you not wanted to find out why she was upset. Am I right?”
Again, Ilan stares at me in silence. After an endless moment, he closes the distance between us. His palm settles at the base of my spine, and I lean back to meet his gaze. The look in his eyes is the same from moments ago, right after he turned the service key for the elevator. Hunger.
He wets his lower lip, then dips his head, bringing his tempting mouth closer to mine. “You’re right. My wolves urged me to go inside. I’d always assumed they somehow sensed you, but they didn’t recognize you as ours until I looked into your eyes. I swear I was able to see into your soul in that moment.”
Happiness spreads through me, warming me and reaffirming what I already know. Ilan needs me, even if it’s only to remind him he isn’t evil. “Even if I wasn’t there, you wouldn’t have killed Mya. I believe that with every fiber of my being.”
Ilan tilts his head. “I feel your certainty. It radiates from the piece of your soul I carry within mine, compelling me to believe too. I’m in awe of you, of your trust in me, but I don’t know if you’ll feel the same once you can walk through my soul, reliving my memories of the countless kills I’ve made.”
Well, I’m not so sure I’d like that either. “Do I have to? I mean is that a requirement or something I won’t be able to avoid because, honestly, I have no reason to wade through your past. If there are stories you’d like to tell me, you can, but I’d rather share now with you and make our own memories.”