The Lunatic Cafe

by Laurell K. Hamilton

  "Who are they?" Richard asked. "They aren't one of us."

  "You could say that." It was Titus. He stood in the doorway leading to the kitchen, a gun in his hand. "Don't anybody move," he said. His southern accent was thick as corn pone.

  Aikensen stepped out of the door leading to the rest of the house. He had another big Magnum in his hand.

  "You buy those by the caseload?" I asked.

  "I liked your threat on the phone. It got me hot."

  I took a step forward, hadn't meant to. "Please," Aikensen said. He was pointing the big gun at my chest. Titus was pointing at Richard. The two men in the chairs had guns out now, too. One big happy party.

  Edward was very still at my back. I could almost feel him weighing the odds. A bolt action on a rifle shot back behind us. We all jumped, even Edward. Another man was behind us in the door. His solid grey hair was balding. The grey man had a rifle in his hands, pointed at Edward's head. There wouldn't be enough left to pick up in a baggie.

  "Hands up, y'all."

  We put our hands up. What else could we do?

  "Lace your fingers atop your head," Titus said.

  Edward and I did it like we'd done it before. Richard was slower.

  "Now, wolfman, or I will drop you where you stand, and your little girlfriend might get all shot up in the bargain."

  Richard laced his fingers. "Kaspar, what's going on?"

  Kaspar was sitting on the couch, no, reclining was the word. He looked comfortable, happy as a well-fed cat...er, swan.

  "These gentleman here have paid a small fortune to hunt lycanthropes. I supply them prey and a place to hunt."

  "Titus and Aikensen make sure that no one finds out, right?"

  "I told you I did a little hunting, Ms. Blake," Titus said.

  "The dead man one of your hunters?"

  His eyes flicked, not exactly looking away but flinching. "Yes, Ms. Blake, he was."

  I looked at the two men with their guns out. I didn't turn around to see Grey Hair at the door. "You three think that hunting shapeshifters is worth dying over?"

  The dark-haired one looked at me from behind his round glasses. His eyes were distant, calm. If it bothered him to be pointing a gun at fellow human beings, it didn't show.

  The bearded man's eyes flicked around the room, never settling on anything. He wasn't having a good time.

  "Why didn't you and Aikensen clean up the mess before Holmes and her partner saw the body?"

  "We were out hunting werewolf," Aikensen said.

  "Kaspar, we're your people," Richard said.

  "No," Kaspar said. He stood. "You aren't. I am not a lycanthrope. I'm not even an inherited condition. I was cursed by a witch so long ago that I don't care to remember how long."

  "Is that supposed to make us feel sorry for you?" I asked.

  "No. In fact, I don't suppose I have to explain myself. You have both been decent to me. I suppose I feel guilty about that." He shrugged. "This will be our last hunt. One big gala event."

  "If you had slaughtered Raina and Gabriel, I could almost understand it," I said. "But what did the lycanthropes you helped murder ever do to you?"

  "When the witch told me what she had done, I remember thinking that being a great ravening beast would be a fine thing. I could still hunt. I could even slay my enemies. Instead she made..." He spread his hands wide.

  "You kill them because they are what you want to be," I said.

  He gave a small smile. "Jealousy, Anita, envy. They are very bitter emotions."

  I thought about calling him a bastard, but it wouldn't help. Seven people had died because this son of a bitch didn't like being a bird. "The witch should have killed you, slowly."

  "She wanted me to learn my lesson and repent."

  "I'm not real big on repentance," I said. "I like revenge better."

  "If I wasn't confident you would die tonight, that might worry me."

  "Worry," I said.

  "Where's Jason?" Richard asked.

  "We'll take you to him, won't we, boys," Titus said.

  Edward hadn't said a word. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but I hoped he didn't go for a gun. If he did, most of the people in this room were dead. Three of them would be us.

  "Pat 'em down, Aikensen."

  Aikensen grinned. He holstered his big gun. That left one revolver, two automatics, and a high-powered rifle. It was enough. Dream team that we are, Edward and I had our limits.

  He patted Richard down, a quick search. He was having a good time until he got up to where he could see Richard's eyes. He paled just a little looking into those wolf eyes. Nervous was good.

  He kicked my legs farther apart. I glared at him. His hands hovered over my breasts, not where you start a search. "If he does anything but search me for weapons, I am going to draw a gun and take my chances."

  "Aikensen, you treat Ms. Blake here like a lady. No hanky-panky."

  Aikensen dropped to his knees in front of me. He ran just the palm of his hand over my breast, lightly just over the nipples. I smashed my right elbow into his nose. Blood sprayed outward. He rolled around on the ground, hands to his busted nose.

  The dark-haired man was standing. He was pointing his gun very steadily at me. His glasses reflected the light hiding his eyes.

  "Everybody calm down, now," Titus said. "Aikensen deserved that, I guess."

  Aikensen came up off the floor, blood covering the lower half of his face. He fumbled for his gun.

  "If that gun clears your holster, I will shoot you myself," Titus said.

  Aikensen was breathing fast and heavy through his mouth. Little bubbles of blood showed at his nose when he tried to breathe through it. It was definitely broken. It wasn't as good as eviscerating him, but it was a start. He kept his hands on his gun, but he didn't pull it. He stayed on his knees for a long time. You could see the struggle in his eyes. He wanted to shoot me almost enough to try for it. Great. The feeling was mutual.

  "Aikensen," Titus said softly. His voice was very serious, as if he were just realizing that Aikensen might go for it. "I mean what I say, boy. Don't you be toying with me."

  He got to his feet, spitting blood, trying to get it away from his mouth. "You're going to die tonight."

  "Maybe, but it won't be by you."

  "Ms. Blake, if you could refrain from teasing Aikensen long enough for me to get him away from you, I'd appreciate it."

  "Always glad to cooperate with the police," I said.

  Titus laughed. The bastard. "Well, now the criminals pay better, Ms. Blake."

  "Fuck you."

  "No need to get abusive." He tucked his own gun into his side holster. "Now, I'm not going to do a thing but search you for weapons. Any more of this nonsense and we're going to have shoot one of you to prove we're serious. You don't want to lose your sweetheart here. Or your friend here." He smiled. Just good ol' Sheriff Titus. Friendly. Jesus.

  He found both guns, then patted me down a second time. I must have winced, because he said, "How'd you hurt your arm, Ms. Blake?"

  "I was helping the police on another case."

  "They let a civvie get hurt?"

  "Sergeant Storr and Detective Zerbrowski are in the hospital. They were injured in the line of duty."

  Something passed over his chubby face. It might have been regret. "Heroes don't get anything but dead, Ms. Blake. You best remember that."

  "Bad guys die, too, Titus."

  He pushed the sleeve of the red coat up and took the knife. He hefted it, testing its balance. "Custom made?"

  I nodded.

  "I do admire good equipment."

  "Keep it. I'll get it later."

  He chuckled. "You have guts, girl, I'll give you that."

  "And you're a fucking coward."

  The smile vanished. "Always needing to have the last word is a bad trait, Ms. Blake. Pisses people off."

  "That's the idea."

  He moved to Edward. I'd give Titus one thing, he was thorough. He took two
automatics, a derringer, and a knife big enough to pass for a short sword from Edward. I had no idea where he'd been hiding the knife.

  "Who do the two of you think you are? The freaking cavalry?"

  Edward didn't say a thing. If he could be quiet, so could I. There were too many guns to make one of them angry and try to jump the rest. We were outnumbered and outgunned. It was not a good way to start the week.

  "Now we are all going to go downstairs," Titus said. "We want you all to join us in the hunt. You will be let out into the woods. If you can get away from us, then you are free. You can run to the nearest police and turn us in. You try anything funny before we let you go, and we will just kill you. You all understand that?"

  We just looked at him.

  "I can't hear you."

  "I heard what you said," I said.

  "How 'bout you, blondie?"

  "I heard you, too," Edward said.

  "Wolfman, you hear me?"

  "Don't call me that," Richard said. He didn't sound particularly scared, either. Good.

  If you're going to die, at least die brave. It pisses your enemies off.

  "Can we put our hands down now?" I asked.

  "No," Titus said.

  My left arm was beginning to throb. If that was the most painful thing that happened to me tonight, I'd be ahead of the game.

  Aikensen went first. Richard next with the dark-haired man and his calm eyes at his back. The bearded man. Then me. Titus. Edward. Grey Hair and his rifle next. Kaspar brought up the rear. It was a parade.

  The stairs led into a natural cavern below the house. It was about sixty by thirty feet, with a ceiling that wasn't higher than twelve feet. A tunnel led out the far wall. Electric lights gave a harsh yellow glow to everything. Two cages were set into the granite walls. In the far cage Jason was huddled into a fetal ball. He didn't move as we all trooped in.

  "What have you done to him?" Richard said.

  "Tried to get him to change for us," Titus said. "Birdie here said he'd be an easy mark."

  Kaspar looked uncomfortable. Whether it was the Birdie remark or Jason's stubbornness, it was hard to tell. "He will change for us."

  "So you say," Grey Hair said.

  Kaspar frowned at him.

  Aikensen opened the empty cage. His nose was still bleeding. He had a wad of Kleenex held to it, but it wasn't helping much. The Kleenexes were crimson.

  "In ya go, Wolfie," Titus said.

  Richard hesitated.

  "Mr. Carmichael, the boy, if you please."

  Dark Hair put up his 9mm, and got out a .22 from his waistband. He pointed it at Jason's huddled form.

  "We'd been discussing putting a bullet in him anyway. See if it would help persuade him to change for us. Now get in the cage."

  Richard stood there.

  Carmichael pointed the gun through the bars, sighting down his arm.

  "Don't," Richard said. "I'll do it." He walked into the cage.

  "Now you, Blondie."

  Edward didn't argue. He just walked in. He was taking this a lot better than I thought he would.

  Aikensen shut the door. He locked the door, then walked across to the second cage. He didn't unlock it. He waited with the soggy Kleenex pressed to his nose. A drop of blood fell to the floor.

  "You get to share accommodations with our young friend."

  Richard gripped the bars of his cage. "You can't put her in there. When he changes, he'll need to feed."

  "Two things help the change happen," Kaspar said, "sex and blood. I saw how much Jason likes your lady friend."

  "Don't do this, Kaspar."

  "Too late," he said.

  If I went in the cage, I was going to end up eaten alive. That was actually one of my top five ways not to die. I wasn't going in the cage. I'd make them shoot me first.

  "Aikensen is going to open the cage, then you step inside, Ms. Blake."

  "No," I said.

  Titus looked at me. "Ms. Blake, Mr. Fienstien here will shoot you, won't you, Mr. Fienstien?"

  The bearded man, uncertain eyes and all, pointed a 9mm Beretta at me. A nice gun, if you didn't insist on buying American. The barrel looked very big, and solid from the wrong end.

  "Fine, shoot me."

  "Ms. Blake, we are not joking."

  "Neither am I. My choices are being eaten alive or being shot. So shoot me."

  "Mr. Carmichael, if you will point your .22 over here." Carmichael did. "We can wound you, Ms. Blake. Put a bullet in your leg and then shove you in that cage."

  I looked into his beady little eyes and knew he would do it. I didn't want to go into the cage, but I really didn't want to go in wounded.

  "I'm going to count to five, Ms. Blake, then Carmichael here is going to wound you and we will drag you into that cage. One...two...three...four..."

  "All right, all right, damn you. Unlock the damn door."

  Aikensen did. I walked in. The door clanged shut behind me. I stood there near the door. Jason was shivering as if he had a fever, but he never moved otherwise.

  The men outside seemed disappointed. "We paid good money to hunt a werewolf," Grey Hair said. "We are not getting our money's worth."

  "We've got all night, gentleman. He won't resist this luscious tidbit forever," Kaspar said.

  I didn't like being called a tidbit. Luscious or otherwise. "I called Garroway before we drove up here. I told him about his deputies getting ambushed. I told him it was Aikensen."

  "Liar."

  I looked straight at Titus. "You think I'm lying?"

  "Maybe we'll just shoot all of you now, and flee, Ms. Blake."

  "You going to give these gentlemen their money back?"

  "We want a hunt, Titus." The three armed men didn't look like leaving before the fun was an option. "The police don't know about the birdman's involvement," Carmichael of the .22 said. "He can stay upstairs. If they come asking questions, he can answer them."

  Titus wiped his palms against his pants. Sweating palms, nerves? I hoped so.

  "She didn't call. She's just bluffing," Aikensen said.

  "Make him change," Carmichael said.

  "He's not paying any attention to her," Grey Hair said.

  "Give it time, gentlemen."

  "You said we don't have time."

  "You're the expert, Kaspar. Thinka something."

  Kaspar smiled, staring at something behind me. "I don't think we'll have to wait much longer."

  I turned around slowly, looking behind me. Jason was still huddled on the ground but his face was turned to me. He rolled onto all fours in one easy motion. His eyes flicked to me, then stared at the men on the outside of the cage. "I won't do it. I won't change for you." His voice was strained but normal. Human sounding.

  "You've held out a long time, Jason," Kaspar said, "but the moon is rising. Smell her fear, Jason. Smell her body. You know you want her."

  "No!" He bowed his head to the ground, hands and arms flat to the floor, knees drawn up. He shook his head, face pressed into the rock. "No." He raised his face up. "I won't do it like some sideshow freak."

  "Do you think giving Jason and Ms. Blake here a little privacy would help matters along?" Titus asked.

  "It might," Kaspar said. "He doesn't seem to like an audience."

  "We'll just give you a little breathin' space, Ms. Blake. If you aren't alive when we get back, well, it's been nice meetin' ya."

  "I can't say the same, Titus," I said.

  "Well, now that is the God's honest truth. Good-bye, Ms. Blake."

  "Rot in hell, bitch," was Aikensen's parting shot.

  "You'll remember me every time you look in a mirror, Aikensen."

  His hand went to his nose. Even that touch hurt. He scowled at me, but it's hard to look tough with Kleenex sticking out of your nose. "I hope you die slow."

  "Same to you," I said.

  "Kaspar, please," Richard said. "Don't do this. I'll change for you. I'll let you hunt me. Just get Anita out of there."

 
The men stopped and looked at him.

  "Don't help me, Richard."

  "I'll give you the best hunt you've ever had." He was pressed against the bars, hands wrapped around them. "You know I can do it, Kaspar. Tell them."

  Kaspar looked at him for a long moment. He shook his head. "I think you'd kill them all."

  "I'd promise not to."

  "Richard, what are you saying?"

  He ignored me. "Please, Kaspar."

  "You must love her a great deal."

  Richard just stared at him.

  "No matter what you do, Richard, they're not going to let me go."

  He wasn't listening to me.

  "Richard!"

  "I'm sorry," Kaspar said. "I trust you, Richard, but your beast...I think your beast isn't so trustworthy."

  "Come on, we're wasting time. Garroway doesn't know where to look but he might come up here. Let's give 'em some privacy," Titus said.

  They all trooped out after the chubby sheriff. Kaspar was last up the stairs. "I wish it were Gabriel and Raina in the cages. I am sorry about that." The swan man disappeared into the rock tunnel.

  "Kaspar, don't leave us like this. Kaspar!" Richard's yells echoed in the cavern. But nothing answered the echoes. We were alone. Scuffling sounds made me whirl. Jason was on his knees again. Something moved behind his pale blue eyes, something monstrous and not friendly at all. I wasn't half as alone as I wanted to be.

  41

  JASON TOOK ONE crawling step towards me and stopped. "No, no, no." Each word was a low moan. His head fell forward. His yellow hair swept forward not long enough to touch the ground, but thick. He was wearing an oversize blue dress shirt and jeans. Clothes you wouldn't mind ruining if you happened to shapeshift in them.

  "Anita," Richard said.

  I moved so I could see the other cage, without losing sight of Jason.

  Richard was reaching through the bars. One hand stretching out towards me as if he could bridge the space and somehow drag me to him.

  Edward crawled to the door and began running hands over the lock. He couldn't really see the lock from inside the cage. He pressed his cheek to the bars and closed his eyes. When you can't use your eyes they become a distraction.

  He leaned back and drew a slender leather case from his pocket. He unzipped it to reveal tiny tools. From this distance I couldn't really see them clearly but I knew what they were. Edward was going to pick the lock. We could be out in the woods before they knew we were missing. The night was looking up.

  Edward settled back against the bars, one arm on either side of the lock, a pick in each hand. His eyes were closed, his face blank, all concentration to his hands.