The Love Machine

by Nicholas Bruner

  Corn shook his head. “Not him either.”

  “Man, this sucks.” Grunt stood up. “That Love Machine ruined my life. Until two weeks ago everything was great. Now I got no wheels, the band sucks, Kyna thinks I’m a dick. And I’m hungry all the time ’cause I can’t even get a sandwich at Alva’s. Everything I love has been taken away from me.”

  “I hear you,” Corn said, putting his bass back on its stand. “But why can’t you go out with Kyna without the Love Machine?”

  “I tried,” Grunt said. “I called her on the phone. It’s all weird between us now.”

  Corn looked thoughtful. “My man, what you need is a new love interest.”

  “I don’t think that’s what I need,” Grunt said.

  But it was too late. Corn reached in the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a little red address book and started running his finger down the pages. “Naw…naw…Jill S.? Naw…Tamika? Ha, no white boy could handle her…Naw…Naw…Hmm, here we go. Sandy L. Yeah, Sandy.”

  “Sandy L.? You mean Sandy Lutinski? You think she’d go out with me?”

  “Definitely,” Corn said. “Let’s give her a call right now.”

  Tuesday, May 14th, 8:18 a.m.

  “Another invention?” Barrow asked. He and Alva sat against the trunk of a tree off the Junior/Senior patio before the first bell. “Haven’t you already done enough damage?”

  “This one won’t do any harm, I promise,” Alva said. “It does one thing, and one thing only: it detects human pheromones.”

  Barrow sighed. “Alright. Let’s take a look at it.”

  Alva pulled it from his backpack. The device had the appearance of a handheld vacuum cleaner, with a long nozzle at one end and an array of lights across its top. He handed it over to Barrow.

  “Pheromones.” Barrow turned the device over in his hands, inspecting it. “Those are like the scents animals release to signal things, right?”

  “Yeah, exactly. Animals communicate in all sorts of ways with pheromones. But humans have them too.” He took the device back from Barrow. “This machine measures androstadienone, which is in the sweat of the human male.”

  Barrow shook his head. “What does that do for us?”

  “It will help us find the Love Machine.” Alva flipped a switch, firing up an array of colored lights and spinning the needles of half a dozen gauges.

  “Maybe I’m slow,” Barrow said. “I don’t get it.”

  “Whoever took the Love Machine intends to use it, right?” Alva said. “I mean, why else would they have taken it?”

  “Okay, I’m with you so far.”

  “So, that means somebody’s going to be falling in love, and their pheromones are going to be surging.”

  “Ah, got it,” Barrow said. “So we’ll be able to track them down with this, and the Love Machine will be nearby. But you said the andysta-whatever was in guy sweat. What happens if it’s a girl who has the Love Machine used on her?”

  “I figure it doesn’t matter,” Alva said. “If it’s a guy, obviously it will be easy. But even if it’s a girl, there’s gotta be a dude right there, and when some girl starts hanging all over him, his pheromones will still light this up.”

  “Makes sense.” Barrow straightened the sleeve of his black Fishbone t-shirt. “One question: how did you whip this up so fast?”

  “Because I—I mean we, really need to find the Love Machine,” Alva said. “It’s urgent.”

  “Sure, but still. Usually it takes you months to come up with a new invention. We only lost the Love Machine last Friday.”

  “I admit I had a bit of a head start. When I started on the Love Machine, I thought for a while I might try to make it pheromone-based. One animal smelling the right sex pheromones in the opposite sex will instantly go into heat.” Alva rubbed his chin. “But in humans, it’s a lot more subtle, so I ended up going with stimulating the amygdala. Still, I’d done all this work on human pheromones…”

  “So it wasn’t that hard to rig something up,” Barrow said.

  “Right. Plus, this machine isn’t trying to cause any changes with the pheromones, it’s only detecting them,” Alva said. “Anyway, I did work all weekend on it. It wasn’t like I came up with it overnight.”

  “Yeah, three days instead of one,” Barrow said. “You’ll have to turn in your genius card down at the Mensa club.”

  “Okay, smart-ass,” Alva said. “Just be ready for when this thing goes off.”

  Tuesday, 8:44 a.m.

  Mrs. Collier stood at the front of the choir room. “Okay, everybody turn to Taking a Chance on Love. Let’s take it from the top.” She raised her hands and signaled the start of the song, only to stop before the end of the first stanza as entire sections missed their cues to enter.

  “No, no, no. Class, we just did this last week. Has everybody forgotten it already?” She looked around the room. Some sort of tension had wormed its way into her Popular Vocal Styles class in the past few days. She didn’t quite know what was behind it, but it had something to do with Cornelius and Barrow not standing next to each other. That should have made things better, without their constant bantering and hilarity and pestering the young ladies, but somehow the frigidity between them was chilling the atmosphere.

  The door opened and a frighteningly skinny boy with a ballcap on his head entered the room.

  “Nerd!” somebody called from the risers.

  “Cornelius, please keep your comments to yourself.” She turned to the young man. “Hat off, please.”

  He took the hat off to reveal the frizziest hair she’d ever seen and handed her a note from the office. A request for Barrow to see the vice-principal. Strange, surely Barrow wasn’t in trouble. He was sort of smart-alecky, but generally a good kid and a dedicated chorister. She hoped it wasn’t family trouble.

  She glanced up from the note. “Barrow, please collect your things and go to the office.”

  Barrow exited the classroom to calls of “oooooo” and “How’d you get in trouble now, Barrow?” As soon as he and Alva had turned the corner in the hallway, he nudged him with his elbow.

  “So, what’s up?”

  Alva put his hat back on. “It got a hit,” he said, pulling the machine out of his backpack. It emitted a steady low clicking noise.

  “So it really works,” Barrow said. “The Love Machine Locator.”

  “Yeah, the LML.” Alva laughed. “It was clicking faster back where I came from, so we should head in that direction.”

  They hurried along the hallway, following the lead of the LML. Barrow nudged Alva with his elbow. “So let me ask you something.”

  “Shoot,” Alva said.

  “Do you think I should tell my parents?”

  “About…your thing?”

  “Yeah, my thing,” Barrow said. “My big gay thing. I’m gay, Alva, you can say it.”

  “Okay, I know. Gay. Not a big deal.” Alva grimaced at his reaction.

  “But what do you think about my question?”

  Alva didn’t hesitate. “Of course you should tell your parents. I mean, they love you, right?”

  “Yeah, sure they do. But they’re so conservative. I don’t know how they’ll take it.”

  “Give it a try,” Alva said. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

  Barrow laughed out loud. “You can’t even imagine, can you?”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Your mom is so nice,” Barrow said. “It’d be different for you.”

  They reached the top of the stairwell down to the gym and the clicking became faster. A couple PE classes were playing volleyball in the gym, but the LML led them past the double doors and farther down the corridor. Alva and Barrow glanced at each other when they reached the entrance to the girls’ locker room.

  “Should we?” Barrow said.

  “If that’s where the Love Machine is…” Alva paused but the LML was clicking like a speed metal drum solo. He went in and Barrow followed.

  At first th
e locker room seemed to be empty but a rustling came from the shower area. One of the shower stalls had the curtain pulled across it and there was definitely somebody in there. The LML was clicking so fast it was almost a buzz. Alva and Barrow exchanged nervous glances and Alva reached for the curtain.

  He pulled it open. Inside, a couple was making out. It was Andre Thomas, the captain of the basketball team, and Sherry Smith, a cheerleader.

  Andre looked up. “What the hell are you doing?”

  Alva scanned the shower stall. No sign of the Love Machine. “Sorry to bother you,” he said.

  “Baby, can you get rid of them?” Sherry said, running a finger down Andre’s arm.

  “We thought you were somebody else,” Barrow explained.

  “You damn sure better have,” Andre said. He and Alva eyed each other. Andre’s fingers curled into a fist. “Shut. The. Curtain. Moron.”

  Alva snapped the curtain closed and he and Barrow fled the girls’ locker room. Out in the corridor, Barrow turned on him.

  “What was that?” Barrow said. “Andre Thomas? Are you trying to get the whole basketball team to hate us?”

  “Hey, how was I supposed to know who was in there?”

  “The LML was supposed to find the Love Machine.” He jerked his thumb back. “But I didn’t see any sign of that stupid thing in there.”

  “I thought this might be a possibility,” Alva said.

  “What possibility?” The irritation was rising in Barrow’s tone.

  “This machine detects sex hormones. In a high school full of teenagers, there are lots of those floating around. False positives are almost inevitable.”

  Barrow stared at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. Did you ever think about filling me in on this possibility? I might have chosen not to take my life in my hands.”

  “Well, I wasn’t really sure,” Alva said.

  “Dammit!” Barrow said. “All your inventions are like this. Like those stupid tanning pills. ‘They’ll be great for you,’ you said, ‘Since you burn so easy.’ But you didn’t think to share with me the information about what could go wrong!”

  “I told you it was an experiment,” Alva said. “And anyway, they did work.”

  “I was covered in blotches!” Barrow yelled. “Kids were calling me Giraffe-Barrow! Even a teacher asked me if I’d just come back from the savannah!”

  “Yeah, I’m still trying to work that kink out,” Alva said. “Anyway, they faded pretty quickly.”

  “It took a year, Alva!”

  “All right, I’m sorry,” Alva said. “I didn’t know that would happen.”

  “That’s the point! You have all these ideas and you expect your friends to be your guinea pigs!”

  “Hey, I didn’t exactly force the Love Machine on you.”

  Barrow swallowed and unclenched his jaw. “No. No, you didn’t.”

  Alva put a hand on Barrow’s shoulder. “Look, we still have to find it. Next time, we’ll be more careful, okay? Now that we know this can happen.”

  “Yeah. Now we know.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Tuesday, 5:12 p.m.

  Alcie and Tina sat in their usual corner booth in the Cupid Café, Alcie mindlessly spinning a spoon around her coffee cup and Tina flipping through a Cosmo magazine, taking tiny sips from her glass of Diet Coke.

  “What’s she doing now?” Alcie asked.

  Tina sighed and glanced across the restaurant. “The same thing as thirty seconds ago: reading the menu. Why don’t you look yourself?” She turned her eyes back to her magazine.

  “Are you crazy? If she sees us looking at her, she’ll get suspicious.”

  “Of what?” Tina asked. “Why don’t you just ask her if she has—”

  “Ssshhh!” Alcie hissed, straightening up.

  “What is it?” Tina whispered.

  “Grunt and Sandy Lutinski are standing outside,” Alcie whispered back.

  “So what?” Tina asked in a normal voice. “Are they on a date?”

  Alcie dropped her spoon in the cup with a little splash. “How the hell would I know?” She pulled her backpack up to the seat and started pulling out papers and setting them on the table.

  “Good for Grunt,” Tina said. “He and Sandy would be cute together.”

  Alcie looked at her like she was an idiot. “Don’t you see? Alva sent him here to spy on us.”

  Tina laughed out loud. She put the Cosmo down and started going through the papers. “You got an A on that physics test? Everybody said that was a killer.”

  Alcie didn’t pay any attention, watching from over the top of the booth as Grunt and Sandy took a table in the middle of the café.

  “An A+ on this English essay… Spanish test only a 93. Oh, Alcie, you must not have studied for that one.”

  Alcie slapped her hand on top of the paper stack. “Would you shut up?” She peered in the bottom of her backpack and fished out a stenographer’s pad.

  “Excuuuse me,” Tina said.

  Alcie put a pen behind her ear and sauntered over to Grunt’s and Sandy’s table with the pad in one hand. “You two ready to order?” she asked.

  “Oh, hi Alcie!” Grunt said. “Do you work here now?”

  “No, I’m just joking with you,” she said. “I’m here often enough I probably could get a job though.”

  “Are you really?” Sandy said. “What’s good here?”

  “The coffee. Black.”

  “Riiight,” Sandy said. “I’ll probably get sweet tea.”

  “Damn, no Mountain Dew on the menu,” Grunt said. “But they do have milkshakes.”

  “Do you mind if I sit down with y’all?” Alcie asked, winking at Sandy.

  Sandy narrowed her eyes. “If you must.”

  “Ooh, they have beef burritos.” Grunt licked his lips.

  “So Grunt,” Alcie said. “How’s Alva nowadays?”

  “I don’t know,” Grunt said. “I haven’t seen him.”

  Alcie leaned over, a bit nonplussed. “Are you sure about that?”

  Sandy made a motion as if to wave Alcie away. “Hey, have you heard?” she said to Grunt. “Chad Sanders and Jessie Burns are going out.”

  “No kidding?” Grunt said without looking up from his menu. “I thought they hated each other.”

  “Oh, they totally do,” Sandy said. “No one can explain it. One day they detest each other, the next they can’t keep their hands off each other. What do you think could make them fall in love just like that?”

  “Not what, who,” Alcie muttered from where she’d pulled a chair up.

  “What’s that?” Sandy said. Without waiting for an answer, she spoke again to Grunt. “Hey, you going to the party at Taffy Lauter’s beach house?”

  “I don’t really get invitations to parties like that.”

  “Oh, you don’t need an invitation. Just show up. A week from Saturday. Everybody from school’s going to be there.”

  Alcie felt a tap on her shoulder and jumped, letting out a little shriek and whirling in her chair. “Oh, Monica! You almost scared me to death!”

  “Alcie.” Monica put her hands on her hips. “We need to talk.”

  “Right here?” Grunt asked “This is our table. Can’t you two take this somewhere else?”

  Monica leaned over Alcie. “I’ve been trying to get in contact with you ever since the Latin Party, but you’ve been avoiding me.”

  “I haven’t been avoiding you! I’ve been—”

  “Spying on me?”

  Alcie’s face took on a shocked expression. “Why would you think that? For what reason could I be spying on you?”

  “I keep seeing you! In here, for instance. You and Tina come in and don’t say a word to me. I even waved at you! How come you didn’t say hi?”

  “You did?” Alcie put a hand on Monica’s forearm. “I’m so sorry, we didn’t see you.”

  “You sure saw Grunt and Sandy over here. And y’all kept checking me out from the booth.”

  �
��Oh, um. We were looking for the waitress.”

  “Right. Alcie, what’s really going on here?”

  “Hey, mind if I join you?” Tina ambled over. “A lot more action over here than at—” she cleared her throat and frowned at Alcie—“the booth over there.”

  “Grunt?” Sandy said. “Is it always this crowded in this place?”

  “I’m not sure,” Grunt said. “I don’t normally come here.”

  Tina addressed Monica. “What Alcie really wants to say is, do you have the Love Machine?”

  “I could ask you two the same question,” Monica said.

  “You could?” Alcie and Tina said practically in unison.

  “What’s the Love Machine?” Sandy asked.

  “You haven’t heard?” Alcie said.

  “It’s dumb,” Grunt said. “I’ll tell you later.”

  “Anway, that’s what I’ve been trying to get in contact with y’all about,” Monica said. “I saw you going through Barrow’s backpack at the party, Alcie. I know what you were trying to do, and I don’t appreciate it.”

  Alcie paled slightly. “What makes you think I was looking for the Love Machine?”

  “Please, Alcie. I’m not the idiot you seem to think I am. I know you were going to use the Love Machine on me.”

  Alcie lifted a hand in protest. “No! I really wasn’t!”

  “Yeah, well. I’ve been thinking about this. First you tell me you heard Corn likes me and I should make a move on him at the Latin Party. You get me to your house and get me all dolled up. Your next move was going to be to use the Love Machine on me so you could have a laugh when I made a fool of myself.”

  “No, you’ve got it wrong! That’s not it at all. We were going to use the Love Machine on Corn!”

  “You were?” Monica asked.

  “Yeah, you were?” Grunt said.

  “Look,” Tina said. “We were trying to get revenge on Corn for using the Love Machine on me. So we were going to use it on him and get him to fall in love with you.”

  Monica’s voiced turned a little softer. “But why would falling in love with me be revenge on Corn?”

  Tina flushed. “Because…Corn likes girls who are more, you know—fuller-bodied.”