by Anna Brooks
Stuff like that will never happen to me.
There’s a weird buzz in my head, and the air around me becomes so thick I practically choke. She must sense it too because she drops her colored pencil and stares at me. “What are you talking about?”
She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know! How can she not know? How can she not remember? I do. I remember everything before her and everything after her. I remember it all because I endured everything. But did she? No. She got to leave, but even when she was there, she didn’t have to put up with shit because she was a pretty little blonde while I was the redheaded freak. “Oh, come on, Paisley. Fucking think. Do I need to scream for you to remember?”
“Brin—”
“Yeah. Brin-ley.”
It takes her a moment, but the light finally dawns, and she sucks in a breath. “Oh, my God.”
“Finally remembered, did you?”
“Brinley. Brinley…”
I rush around the island; all the years of pent-up heartache and sadness that I had to hide to protect myself in order to survive rushes me at once, and I scream. “Yes, Brinley!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“You’re right. You didn’t. You didn’t do anything. Nobody ever did anything.” And then it happens. The years, the lifetime of pure fucking torture that I had to live with while she got to skip away and have all of this. She has it all, and I have nothing. I am nothing. I never will be. “I never had a chance…” Something wet slides down my face, and I can’t breathe. “It should be me!”
She stands like she’s going to run, but she can’t leave. She’s just going to go tell someone, and I don’t know what they’ll do to me. I just know they’ll end up hurting me like everyone else. “Stop!”
“Okay, okay,” she pleads, holding her hands out, and it hits me that she thinks I’m going to harm her. No way. I’m not. I don’t want anyone to be in any kind of pain. I would never hurt her. I don’t want that for anyone because I know what it feels like. I just want to leave. I need to stop living in this pretend world with these people who pretend to care about me when the only person I know who truly cares about me is going to be in jail for the rest of his life.
He never even got a chance.
I never got a chance.
I just wanted a chance. But girls like me, we’ll never get one. “It should be me.”
“Brinley, I didn’t do anything to hurt you on purpose. I want to help now, though, if I can because I couldn’t back then. I want to help now.”
I can’t prevent the laughter that comes from deep in the recess of my hollow chest. “No, you don’t. Nobody ever wants to help. Nobody ever wants to help me. Have you ever had a zero?”
“A what?”
“A day that was a zero.” Like practically every day of my life.
“I’d say the day when my parents died was probably a zero.”
I laugh without humor. “Honey, in my life, that kind of day would have been like a seven. But do you know how many days I had zeros? Huh? Any fucking idea?”
“I’m sorry. Please, let me help you now.”
Yeah, right. “You don’t want to help me.”
“I do, Brinley. I do. Polly does, and I know Erik would. Let us help. I was there, too, ya know… I remember what it was like.”
She has no clue. None. “No, you don’t! I was there! I was the only one who was there! He only hit me!”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Let me make it right. Let me help you.”
“No. You won’t help. Nobody helps. Everyone just hurts.” Everyone. People I know, people I don’t know, even people I haven’t met hurt me. What is wrong with me? Why can’t anybody love me? Why can’t anyone want me? Why won’t someone fucking see me?
“Brinley, it’s going to be okay.”
I shake my head and try to push the pain away, but this time, it’s not fading. It’s getting darker, brighter, louder. It’s doing all the things at once, and I can’t even see. “No, it’s not; no, it’s not; no, it’s not.”
“Brinley, please let me help now.” She’s the one crying now.
But she’s wrong. “Nobody can help me.”
“Rinny girl.”
No.
No, no, no. Not him. God, please not him. Not now. Not Noble. God… I haven’t heard that voice in years. Why today? Why now?
“Come to me, Rinny.” My arm is on the island I’m leaning on so I don’t fall over. “Rinny girl.” I can feel him at my side. “Look at me, little red.”
God, no. I drop my head as he gets closer, wishing that I could just die right now and wondering why I haven’t. Why I’m still here if I have no purpose. When something touches my arm, a finger slides across my skin, every instinct I have to fight kicks in, and I swing around to protect myself the only way I know how. I need to get out of here. I need to run.
But I get nowhere. I’m immobile when he grabs my wrists and holds them to my sides. “Back up,” Noble commands, and I fade away as the strength of him surrounds me. I let go for a minute, knowing whatever is going to happen is in his hands. Maybe because he knows me, he won’t let them hurt me too much. “Shh. I’ve got you, Rinny. I’ve got you now. I’ve got you.” The promised rumble vibrates against the top of my head, but I don’t process it. A man who I never thought would be back in my life again holds me tight, and my entire body trembles while my teeth clatter, but I feel nothing.
Noble slides to the floor with me in his capable arms and rocks me back and forth. There’s commotion around me, but I can’t hear anything other than the words in my head telling me that I’m messed up, and that I just messed up… huge. What did I do? I blink slowly and don’t raise my lashes again, embarrassed by not only my behavior but why I did what I did with Paisley. She didn’t deserve that. It’s not her fault she got adopted and I didn’t.
The reality of what just happened replays in my brain, and I wish not for the first time that I’d just wake up from the nightmare. But it wasn’t a dream. It’s my reality.
I have no clue how much time has passed, but I feel him lift me and a slight jostle from walking. His hold on me loosens, and I panic, gripping his white T-shirt that clings to his broad chest. “You’re okay, Rinny. I’ve got you.”
Rinny. He’s the only person who’s ever called me that, and I always loved it.
I feel eyes watching us as he gets me outside but don’t dare acknowledge them. He sets me in the front seat of his truck, and my head lands against the glass when he closes the door. As he pulls out of the driveaway and onto the street, he picks up speed quickly. Everything is going by so fast. It’s all a blur. Everything is a fucking blur. I have no clue where he’s taking me, but I know that where ever it is, it’s better than where I was.
Buildings become sparse, and trees become dense the longer we drive. The daze that’s clouding my vision forces me to rest my eyes.
My head snaps up when the door opens because I didn’t even realize we stopped. Noble opens my door and I claw my way back into his arms when he lifts me as if I weigh nothing. When he presses a chaste kiss to the top of my head and tells me that he’s got me again, I remember why I chased him down the street all those years ago. Because I knew when I lost him, I’d lose myself. And I was right. I just didn’t know that he would find me again.
Chapter 3
Noble
Without even seeing her face, I recognized her; her flame-red hair is unforgettable. But when she stared at me with an expression so desolate, I questioned for a split second if it was really her. The last time I saw her was in my rearview mirror, and she was scared back then. But now? She’s tormented. Ghosts and skeletons rattle behind the emerald of her eyes so bright it’s a wonder she didn’t blind me with one look.
The vacancy reflecting off her is what I see in the mirror whenever I’m so unfortunate as to pass by one. I’ve stared at the void every day for almost eight years. I haven’t been able to fix myself, so I have no clue why I think bringing her to my house w
ill help her. I only know I have to try.
It’s not because I think I can heal her; I don’t even know what’s wrong with her. I’m not a white knight or a savior or a saint. Most days, I don’t even know who I am; the man I used to be vanished without even a ghost of him to haunt me. I don’t know why I’m still here and they aren’t. I haven’t known much about anything for almost a decade. The years my daughter graced this earth almost equal the same amount of time I wished I wasn’t on it.
Things that used to make sense no longer have reason. Questions I thought I had the answers to are irrefutable.
The only thing for certain right now, is Brinley Reid was the last person I saw before I left town, right after we stood hand in hand, watching my daughter’s casket get lowered into the ground. I haven’t thought about that day in a long time. I try to remember my daughter as the happy, vibrant little girl I loved.
But seeing Brinley again is bringing it all back. That day. That pure, straight-up torture.
Brinley’s free spirit and pained forest green eyes made it so I didn’t jump right in after my sweet pea. Because I wanted to go with her, I saw it vividly in my mind. And if my neck didn’t break after falling six feet headfirst, I’d have waited with open arms for that first shovel of dirt to bury me alive. For breath to stop giving me life.
I could practically feel the weight of the cold soil on top of me. How I yearned for the suffocation that would slowly kill me, dragging me from the living hell I was in right to another one where the devil himself could punish me.
I couldn’t imagine a life without my Katie Kat in it… I still can’t. To this day, I hear her laughter. I see her smile. I dream of her face. Wherever I go, she’s with me even though, deep down somewhere in the bowel of my guts, I know she’s gone.
She’s where I want to be.
And if not for the frail woman who currently lies limp in my arms, I would be—even though she doesn’t know it.
Because as I sat at the cemetery with my service weapon in my lap and every intent to put a bullet through my brain, I looked back and saw her still there, and I knew I couldn’t do it then. Not with her watching.
So I waited.
I put my gun away and intended to go home, glancing in my rearview mirror one last time to see Brinley chasing after me. As I made my way closer to my house, I saw the ice-cream shop Katie, Macy, and I would walk to. The place she went with Cora to get her nails done. Then the park where we spent what little free time I had on the swings.
The memories were too much, too fresh, and I couldn’t breathe. Not even ten minutes after I buried my daughter, I knew I needed to get out of that house and that town. Far away from the reality that I was alone. That my entire family was gone forever.
I told myself I’d just be gone a little while, but I still haven’t been back to the side of town where heaven and hell met. Nor will I ever. In the time I’ve been away, I’ve been low, I’ve been high, and I’ve been nowhere in between.
I’ve survived, and I’ve existed, but I haven’t lived.
It wasn’t until about a half an hour ago, when Brinley crawled into my lap and held me like her life depended on it, did I feel my own life awaken even just a little bit.
Seeing her again is as if I’ve been standing in the middle of a tornado with the rain pouring down on me so heavy I couldn’t see. Wind so strong it deafened me. Sky so dark I forgot how bright the sun could be, but then its rays overpower the clouds, leaving a rainbow as a reminder there still is some beauty in this world.
So no, I don’t think I can heal her, because she’s not sick. She’s spiritless and just needs life breathed back into her. I can try to fix her because it’s plain to see in her face that whatever happened to her after I left broke her to pieces. She saved me without even knowing it. And now I’m going to return the favor, but I’m going to make sure she knows exactly who resuscitates her.
As I set her on my beat-up old brown couch, I flinch at the pull of the wound in my arm. She falls to her side and tucks her knees to her chest and stares at the empty fireplace. Her eyes are so glazed over I doubt she actually sees anything. I toss the plaid blanket from my recliner on top of her, then go down the hall to the bathroom where I take my shirt off.
The material sticks to the dried blood, but once I remove it, I bring a wet washcloth to the wound to wash it off. Seeing it’s not too deep, I apply some antibiotic cream to it before adding a bandage.
My cabin, my home, only has one bedroom and one bathroom. The rest of the place is basically the living room and kitchen combined. It’s been in my family for years, and since I’m the only one left, it’s all mine.
The wood floor creaks with every step, and when I get to the small kitchen, I grab two glasses. One gets filled with water for her, and I pour whiskey for myself in the other. I rest a hip against the yellow linoleum countertop and spill the contents of the tumbler down my throat.
She’s so small. Looks like a little ball curled in the corner of the couch. It doesn’t appear that she’s moved even a molecule. I take the glass of water with me and set it on the driftwood coffee table, then throw some logs on the fire.
Once I get it rolling, I grab the latest crime thriller I got from the library, settle in on my beat-up recliner… and then I wait. And while I’m waiting, Luna jumps in my lap. I stroke her soft fur and I gather my shit. Brinley obviously needs someone to be strong for her, and that someone is going to be me.
Brinley
I can’t tell exactly what time it is because everything around me is pitch black with the exception of the embers from the fire. Their bright red glow is fading fast. My bladder screams at me, and my stomach cramps of nerves about the situation I’m in. Without my brain telling my muscles to do so, I sit up.
My knees wobble, and I can barely stand, but after a moment of the blood rushing down from my head and through the rest of my body, I manage to steady myself.
Despite taking tiny steps and staying on the tips of my toes, the floor still whines with every move I make. My feet are bare, and I wonder when he took my shoes off. My fingers lead me, sliding over the smooth logs to where I hope the bathroom is. The door is cracked, and when I push it open, I can barely make out what’s inside.
Reaching to my left, I feel for a switch, and when I find it and push it up, light illuminates the small room with a shower, toilet, and basin. I bypass my reflection on the square mirror above the sink, and after I’m done, I turn the tap on to wash my hands, wishing the disgust would spiral down the drain along with the soapy water.
The cleaner my hands get, the clearer my mind does, and fear seeps its way in. I’ve survived all sorts of peril in my life, but I can just tell the worst is yet to come. There’s an entirely new threat that lingers, and that comes in the form of a hulking figure of a man. Noble Hawkins.
I don’t fear him, not in the least. I fear what he sees in me. He thinks he can fix me or something, but what he doesn’t know is I don’t need to be saved. God, what did I do? I finally bring my eyes to the mirror, the green a murky swamp of shame and guilt. What did I do?
Tears nestle on my eyelids like a drop of rain on a spiderweb, but when I blink, the storm erupts. Warm dewdrops spill down my face, and I wipe them off with the back of my hand. This isn’t something I do. I don’t do pity, I will not feel sorry for myself, and I most definitely can’t stay here. I can never look him in his eyes. Even though I can’t stay, I don’t want to leave. This is his house, but being with him feels like home, the only home I’ve truly ever known. Even if I wasn’t technically part of it, I felt like I was whenever I was over there.
If I could have lived with Katie, I totally would have in a heartbeat. In her house, when he was there, I felt safe. And I was at her house a lot, so I soaked up that feeling to remember it for the times when I was afraid for my life. Her house was the only place where I understood what safety meant. I knew nobody would hurt me under the security of Noble.
When he left town, I wanted
him to take me with him. I chased after his car, screaming for him to stop. Our eyes caught in his rearview mirror, so I know he saw me, but he just kept going. It’s not like I blame him or anything. I was just his daughter’s best friend. Nothing more and nothing less. He was a good man, always was, so the safety I felt at his house wasn’t anything special. He was just the kind of guy to make sure he took care of whatever he was responsible for.
I wasn’t his responsibility then, so of course, he left me behind. And I’m not his responsibility now.
I push those thoughts where they belong, back in the little box tucked far away in my head. Where the memories can’t get me anymore, where they belong. As quietly as I can, I tiptoe to the kitchen. Feeling around, I open the door to the refrigerator to get some light, then open the cupboards. They’re pretty bare, and I just find a couple of containers of protein powder and instant noodles. There’s also a box of granola bars, so I take one out and tuck it in my back pocket. Then I grab an apple out of the bowl on the counter filled with various fruits.
The house is engulfed in darkness again when the fridge door suctions closed, and I retrace my steps back to the front entrance. The metal knob is cold on my warm hand as I turn it. When it squeaks, I cringe silently. The shuffle of feet from the direction of his bedroom echoes in the silence, and panic sets in.
I need to get out of here. I want to get far away. Anywhere else but here, anyone else but him. He’s dealt with enough. He doesn’t need to have me be a burden on his life. I don’t want to be someone he thinks he needs to take care of because I don’t need anyone. I can take care of myself. I have been, with the help of Danny, but now I lost him, too. God. God. My life sucks.
And truth be told, I’m so in over my head right now I need to just go. Everything that’s happened in the past week has been so abnormal for me, and I don’t know how to deal. I need to get back to the me that I know. The Brinley who sits on a street corner every day with nothing but her thoughts because her reality is worse than a made-for-TV movie.
