The God Wheel

by Brian Clopper

  Her special emphasis on the grisly word was deliberate; she wanted to get a rise from me.

  I shivered but tried my best to minimize my jitters. Blood portals didn’t sit well with me, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of knowing that. “So what am I supposed to do?”

  She marched toward the roof access. “Well, we’re doing it. We first need to prepare you, and then head out to find your missing squire. That little quest should trigger—”

  I laced my response with ripe sarcasm. “Prepare me? Does the prophecy detail how all this is supposed to unfold rather step by step? If so, could I maybe peruse it?”

  Two crows spiraled overhead. Slif looked up at them for a moment but quickly refocused on our only means of exiting the roof that I could see. I watched the birds join the rest of the beady-eyed flock. Wait, not a flock. A mob? Was that right? No it was a murder of crows. I trembled, not at all happy that I’d landed on the proper name for a gathering of such creepy fowl. I kept tabs on the murder out of the corner of my eye, refusing to stare at them directly out of a fear any overt scrutiny would provoke an attack. After all, I had my goddess of misfortune in proximity. No telling how that might affect a bunch of sinister birds.

  “No, you can’t look at it. The original scroll was destroyed long ago. Xexxer was there and managed to memorize most of it. He’s a real attention-to-detail guy, but that’s all he’s got going for him. Bit stiff for my tastes, but you might like him. Maybe you’ll spin him next. Harvesting squires gives the queen fuel to weaken her prison and eventually break out.” Slif tugged at the door handle, rattling the steel door. She repeatedly ratcheted the handle while yanking with robust menace, but it didn’t budge.

  Four more crows alit on the crowded perch. It was unnerving how quiet they were.

  “Um, should we be worried that over a dozen crows are taking a special interest in our B and E?” I pointed to the murder.

  Slif stopped prying at the exit door and eyed our feathered audience. “Yeah, that’s not good. The Entropy Queen could always force the shadier species to do her bidding. Not sure how she knows you’d be here. Maybe she took your squire and that links you somehow. The prophecy wasn’t very clear about that. She is likely tracking you through your bond with your squire.”

  “Has she been on the loose before?”

  “Well, sure. Before we walled her off in her dimensional prison, she caused quite a spectacle to the ancient world. That lady knew how to turn pyramids into rubble, according to rumors.”

  I briefly wondered if the queen had a hand in damaging the Sphinx but resisted asking. I pointed to her knife. “Is that our only weapon?”

  “It is, but such a close-range weapon isn’t going to be much help.”

  Two of the crows on the far end flapped their wings but didn’t take to the air. A pair in the middle pecked and snapped at each other while still keeping their attention on us. I didn’t like that.

  “Can’t you throw it at them?”

  “And skewer one and then be out my favorite blade? Think, Felix.” She waved her hands. “And if I miss, we have a knife falling from the sky in an urban area. You want me to risk hurting a bystander just to take out a single member of a flock?”

  “It’s a murder.”

  “Well, sure. There’s a chance of that, but it could just fall and nick someone pretty badly, too. Have to drive into an eye socket just right to end a life. Of course, if they hear it coming, they might look up.” She rubbed at her chin, clearly dwelling on the grim possibility of a fly-by knifing.

  “No, a gathering of crows is a murder, not a flock.”

  Her cheeks reddened, and she sheepishly shrugged. “I knew that.” Her voice trailed off with her next quip as she glared at the birds. “Wasn’t born yesterday.”

  Suddenly, the crows scrambled into the air. It was creepy how they moved in unison. They flew straight at us, only their flapping making any noise.

  “Maybe portal us out of here,” I said.

  She crouched, brandishing her knife and glaring at the approaching birds. “Not enough time, and they could follow us through.”

  I scooped up two handfuls of gravel. Thinking better of it, I emptied my right hand of stones. Birds went for the eyes. I needed to keep one hand free to bat any away from my precious peepers.

  “This is more misfortune,” I muttered.

  She caught my observation. “And with such comes the opportunity for victory. Don’t shut down and be so negative. I might introduce you to hardships, but it’s what you do with the obstacles that counts, Felix.”

  The crows attacked en masse, which was a foolish move on their part. When they converged on us, nearly half knocked wings, resulting in four dropping and slamming into the rooftop. The rest, which were such a flurry of claw and beak I couldn’t get an accurate headcount, crashed into us.

  I feebly tossed my gravel, hitting two of the birds square in the face. That only slowed them down.

  Slif shouted, “Don’t worry about me, safeguard yourself!” She slashed widely downward, cleaving two birds almost in half. Their blood spurted, defacing the white rocks.

  Five crows, possibly six, besieged me. Three that I could see targeted my legs, while the rest assaulted my upper half. I fell backward and scrambled like a crab. This allowed me to snag another gravel handful and pelt a crow stabbing its beak at my face, while I kicked aside the trio tearing at my pants with their claws.

  I swept my free hand around and bopped one in the tail end, sending it crashing into the underside of the door shack’s tin roof. It hit the ledge, knocking something thin and gold from a crevice. The object clattered to the ground.

  Before I could locate and identify it, a fluttering crow slashed at my right ear and raked its claws through my hair. I danced backward, flailing my arms around overhead as its wings slapped me in the jaw.

  I swatted it away, but not before the bird gouged my right forearm. I shrieked and clamped a hand over the already bleeding injury.

  Slif dispatched the last two crows she engaged and rushed over to me.

  I jumped to my feet, suddenly enraged at my wound even though it wasn’t my only one. I knew I had a few more scratches in other places, mostly my limbs and one along my inner thigh that really stung. I grimaced at the sight of the gashes to my shirt and pants as I kicked a bird and drove my foot down hard on another. It squawked twice but went limp and silent after the third time I rammed it into the gravel with my shoe.

  Three of the birds flew off, suddenly rethinking their attack. Or had the Entropy Queen ceased her influence on them? I couldn’t be sure.

  Slif impaled a crow winging toward me with its claws out and perfectly in line to do my forehead major damage. Its blood arced wide and streaked across my chest.

  I snagged a crow by its wing and attempted to throw it down, but it beat me repeatedly with both wings until it broke free. The crow scrambled across my chest, aiming its beak at my face.

  Slif snapped her cape at it and whacked it aside. Something told me the hem of her garment was slightly weighted judging from the impact it had on my attacker.

  I stomped that bird into the gravel, hating how much blood now coated my shoes and pants.

  Two crows streaked between us and flew off, directing caws of protests at us until we couldn’t hear them.

  “Weird, that’s the only time they made a peep,” I said, kicking at a bird that flopped about. Both its wings were broken. I held my foot up, preparing to end it but hesitated. It stared at me and croaked a weak complaint.

  Slif dropped to her knees and silenced it with her knife. “They are no longer guided by her. They are just their normal selves.”

  “Then why’d you kill it?” I stepped over two dead crows.

  “It was too far gone. It was a mercy killing.” She looked all around.

  I did the same. No birds in the sky, at least none winging our way. The ones littering the rooftop lay unmoving. “Whoever comes up here for a breath of fresh air
next is going to have their day ruined.”

  Slif laughed. She again cleaned her knife with her cape and then stowed the weapon away. “You accounted for yourself well.”

  Satisfied we weren’t going to be on the receiving end of a second crow bombardment, I returned to the roof access, searching for the object the bird I’d batted against the door had knocked to the ground. I found it half buried under a dead crow. I respectfully rolled the crow off it and held up my discovery.

  Slif said, “What’s that?”

  “A key.” I shoved it in the keyhole and tried rotating it right then left. I heard the lock click and grabbed the door handle. I looked back at the goddess. “Guess they stashed an emergency key up here for just this occasion.” I eyed the fallen crows. “Well, maybe not this scenario exactly, but you know what I mean.”

  She nodded.

  I pulled open the heavy door to reveal a set of metal steps. “So you portalled us to this specific building for a reason other than being taken down by a bunch of crows, right?”

  “Yes, but it bothers me we’re already under attack. That’s not a good sign. Let’s get you downstairs to meet the proprietor of this business and urge him to outfit you with what is required.”

  I thought of the mother and daughter who had entered this building from its front entrance. “You’re not talking scoops of creamy goodness, are you?”

  “Try molten metals shaped to exacting specifications while we wait.” She paused and then grinned. “And maybe partake of a frozen treat. I’ve heard of the wonders of the sugar cone and am determined to see what all the hullabaloo is about.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or yanking my chain.

  She shouldered past me and descended the steps.

  I wiped my arm with my shirt. Covered in this much blood, I really hoped the jovial patrons I’d witnessed entering Scoops earlier had gotten their fill and were long gone. I was a sight, a PG-13 travesty, possibly R. Ruining a four-year-old’s jaunt to the local ice cream shop didn’t rank high on my to-do list.

  I called after Slif, “Um, might we also see about some bandages and a change of clothes?”

  Slif didn’t answer. I watched her disappear down another flight of stairs, but not before I noticed her scrubbing herself clean of blood with her cape. Maybe she would arrange for one of those for me. Not that I was the cape type in the least, but I still had to admire its quicker-picker-upper capabilities.

  I raced to catch up.

  Chapter 5

  Forging Ahead

  Thankfully, Slif stopped at the bottom of the stairwell and used her cape to finish cleaning up her appearance along with mine. When she dabbed at my blood-soaked clothes, including my footwear, her cape even absorbed it.

  “Thanks,” I said, thinking back to her earlier comment about not letting any blood from the edge of her portal get on me. I now realized she’d said it in jest. She had a miracle garment that could scrub clean the peskiest of stains. “Don’t let any bad guys get ahold of your cape. They could wipe down a crime scene of any and all evidence.”

  She stiffened. “I am never without it, Felix.”

  “I’m kidding.” Little testy about her cape. I moved to change the subject. “What are we getting here?”

  “You need a way to access your god wheel without relying on one of us to portal you there.”

  “Can all nine of you generate a portal?” I was deliberate with my number choice, hoping it might lead to a natural discussion of the scratched-out name on the wheel.

  She shot me a look. “All eight can, but you must prepare for the possibility that you could wind up separated from one of us.”

  “Um, yeah. That’s sensible.” It was clear she didn’t want to discuss the mysterious ninth member of my pantheon. I fought to suppress my elevated curiosity. Avoiding my inquiry only made me desire to know the whole truth and nothing but even more. For now, I’d hold off. Maybe the next god would be more willing to dish. “With your misfortune hard at work here, we’re not going to walk in and be assaulted by a massive blob of evilly-animated Neapolitan. Although, sherbet is my pick for downright sinister, especially the lime variety.” I shivered to punctuate my joke.

  “Make no jests, Felix. The Entropy Queen will use any means necessary to end you. Coercing dairy products to commit heinous acts isn’t beyond her capabilities.”

  “So I’m on her hit list, why? Let me guess. She doesn’t want to see the prophecy fulfilled, right?”

  Slif rolled her eyes and pushed open the stairwell door. “Just mind your manners. Trolls are temperamental at best.”

  We emerged in a narrow hall painted a bright green. Slif moved down the corridor toward the store proper. We passed two restrooms on the right and a door marked ‘office’ on the left, all closed.

  The shop was bright and open with a large glassed-in display of the numerous flavors wedged deep into two freezers. I drifted toward the display mostly to get out of the way of a couple hurriedly escorting their squirmy toddler toward the bathroom. The boy clutched at his bladder and looked ready to burst. The husband, holding two rapidly melting cones in hand, smiled at me as he spoke soothingly to his son.

  The only other customer was an old man with a cane sitting at a small circular table. He stared out the front window as he gingerly whittled away at a small sundae topped with what looked like hot fudge. His cherry sat at the center of a napkin off to the side. Perhaps saving its juicy sweetness for the final bite?

  A short man with dark hair and thick sideburns resembling furry earmuffs at first glance wiped down the serving counter by the register. His nose was stubby, matching his rather compressed skull. He was no taller than five feet. Was that troll sized? His paper hat, that looked like someone had inflated an envelope, sat askew atop his wide head.

  I glanced at the old man again. He was too lean and tall to be a troll. At least I thought that to be the case. Or it could be he was the owner and cloaked himself in a human guise that was the opposite of his troll stature.

  Slif waltzed up to the man behind the counter. The sleeves of his blue shirt were rolled up, revealing quite hairy forearms. The nametag pinned to his red apron identified him as Gabe.

  The hairiness screamed troll, but the name didn’t. Rockbasher? Gravelchomp? Much more fitting. What sort of troll parents would saddle their offspring with Gabe? I briefly imagined the troll’s younger self being teased on a playground made of carved rock, possibly limestone or basalt. The Stonehenge-inspired curly slide I conjured up was world class.

  Gabe spoke, which sounded more like a hippo gargling with an assortment of sedimentary strata. “What, they let the likes of you out for good behavior? What has you strutting about so freely on the mortal plane this fine day, Lady Slif?”

  Definitely the troll in residence here.

  I glanced over at the old man. He had frozen with his spoon in mouth and stared at Gabe with dismay. He clearly didn’t like the sound of the troll’s voice.

  Not a fan either, buddy.

  “So nice to see you again, Gabriel.” Slif offered up a wide smile.

  Gabe didn’t look up. Instead, he focused intently on restocking a metal container holding bright red straws. “Not from where I’m standing. Could’ve gone another century at least before I gazed upon your disgusting mug again.”

  The goddess frowned and leaned over the troll. I noted his skin was tinged orange, like he’d been face deep in one of the vats of sherbet. I knew that wasn’t the case. It had to be his natural traffic-cone, troll complexion. It was a very Oompa-Loompa hue. “Still working on your social skills, I see. Bet your gruff retorts drive away more patrons than they attract.” She scanned the almost empty shop. “Not exactly what I call a thriving business.”

  Gabe made eye contact with her, issuing a squint that made even my eyeballs uncomfortable. He radiated disdain, loathing, contempt and any other synonym for hatred you could think of. “Weak.” He noticed me and pointed his counter cloth my way. “Who�
�s tall, pale, and wretchedly hideous? Your latest dalliance? Thought you’d sworn off love a few centuries back after that Vincenzo broke your heart.”

  “At least I’ve had numerous suitors. I’m guessing your swipe rights are in the single digits.”

  “Tried a specialized dating app for us magicals recently, but not getting much traction there. It’s called Crush, and with it you smite left or right. They have a little stone war hammer you use on the profiles. Wonderful gimmick. I personally can’t get enough of smiting.”

  “And smelting, too. Which is why we’re paying you a visit. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with the likes of you, Gabe. Be honest, you haven’t gotten any dates from your little app lately, huh?”

  Why were they being so harsh to each other? I mean, Slif wasn’t the most easy-going deity I’d met. Yolla had been a breath of fresh air compared to her older sister. Slif was just a smidge too intense and pragmatic. Still, the insults being flung back and forth between these two seemed uncalled for.

  Gabe scowled. “The ladyfolk on Crush wouldn’t know a standout specimen if it reached out from the computer screen and bonked them on their extra thick skulls.” He looked at me and coyly said, “Ample cranium density is a real plus among my kind.” He rapped the side of his head twice, almost dislodging his paper cap.

  “We have need of your talents. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s end-of-the-world stuff. Felix and I are out to prevent it.” She hiked a thumb in my direction.

  Gabe smiled, revealing his teeth seemed to be all flat molars, even the front ones. It was a tad unsettling.

  “Ah, this lanky fella is the savior who will fend off the Entropy Queen?”

  Slif shot him a look. “How’d you know?”

  “It’s all over the arcane web. Lots of chatter about freaky goings-on, signs of the queen making her presence felt. No sightings of her in the flesh yet, but an awful lot of manifestations worldwide. Guess the prophecy was right. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, right? I’m sure your campaign is fully manned and you’ve been capably informed of what’s been happening out here in the real world.”