Karma's a Bit*h

by Este Holland

  “Don’t argue with me. You can be hot and cute at the same time.”

  I huffed. Archer’s laugh turned into a gasp as his hips jerked. Copious ropes of come hit my chest, chin, and lips. I licked it in reflex. Archer grunted and spurted twice more. He collapsed on top of me, and we tried to remember how to breathe.

  Archer

  I braced for awkwardness, but none came. Not when I kissed him softly, nor when I dragged him to my bathroom to clean up, nor when he blushed at a spot of my spunk on his lenses.

  And I couldn’t stop kissing and touching him.

  He was, beyond a doubt, the best guy I’d ever been with, and we hadn’t even fucked yet.

  I sat him at the kitchen table and made sure he had ice water. I glanced at him every five seconds. I couldn’t stop myself. He had the sweetest smile on his face. I leaned over and kissed him until he laughed and pushed me away.

  “The sandwiches are burning!”

  I rushed over and flipped the grilled cheese. “Saved!”

  Jake smothered a laugh. “You’re such a dork.”

  “I am not.”

  “It’s not a bad thing.”

  I shrugged. “True. Okay, I’m a dork. But only for you.” I waved the spatula at him.

  “I can live with that.”

  Jake’s phone chimed, and he opened the screen. “Oh, shoot.”

  “What?”

  “I almost forgot—Marri’s play is opening tonight. I promised I’d go. Actually…” he bit his lip.

  “What?” I brought the plated sandwiches over and sat.

  “Well, Marri said I should bring you, so I’d have a date, and you two could meet.”

  I took a bite of molten cheese and thought about it as I chewed. “You told her about me, right?”

  “Yes. Not your full name, or where you live or anything. But she knows what you do, and what I’m doing for you.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I’d love to meet your friend.”

  “Really?” Jake beamed.

  My cock twitched. “Dammit.”

  His smile faded. “What?”

  “Now I want to jump you again.”

  Jake ducked his head but raised it quickly with a mischievous smile. “Actually, I think I was the one who jumped you first.”

  I pretended to think about it. “Nooo. That’s definitely not what I remember. You were being adorable and sexy, and I couldn’t keep my hands off you.”

  Jake abandoned his food, skirted the table, and straddled my lap. I had to shove back from the table so he could fit. “Really? That’s how it was?”

  “Mhmm.” I nudged his nose with mine. “Want to reenact it?”

  Jake pursed his lips and rocked his hips into mine. “First one to the bedroom gets to be on top!” He jumped up and ran.

  I swore and chased after him, his laughter trailing behind us.

  Chapter 12

  Archer

  The theater was packed, which was a good sign. Jake and I were a few minutes late due to activities in the bedroom (mostly over clothes), and then having to run by his place, so he could dress a little nicer than his holey jeans and Cactuses Need Hugs Too T-shirt.

  We took our seats in the middle of a row, having to scoot past people already seated. The lights were dark, but someone had their phone on, so we could see where to step. We fell into our seats just as the curtains parted. Jake shifted around, and I helped him take off his coat. He’d put on his “good coat,” but he was hot because we’d run the last block. I kept my favorite leather jacket on and leaned into his side, so I wasn’t plastered against the man beside me who could have auditioned for Shrek based on his height alone.

  I paid close attention to the play. Jake had told me a bit about Marri on the ride over, and from what I gathered, she was his family and best friend rolled into one. If I’d learned anything in my thirty years of life, it was to never be on the bad side of a best friend.

  I laughed, clapped, and watched Jake light up every time Marri had a line. They had a flashback thing going on, where they adapted the movie Clueless to the stage, and the lead character got bonked on the head and had dreams of Jane’s Austen’s Emma.

  They got a standing ovation, and Jake put his fingers in his mouth and whistled when Marri took her bow. She looked in our direction and waved. We shuffled out with everyone else and waited for Marri in the small lobby. We’d bought a bouquet of daisies and lilies for her.

  She came out dressed in black skinny jeans with holes in both knees, and what I could only describe as a short kimono with dragons on it. A turban covered her hair, and chandeliers dangled from her ears. She still wore her stage makeup.

  “Jakey!” she cried and threw her arms around his neck. “Dahhling!”

  “Congratulations! You were amazing!”

  “Thank you. Thank you.” She curtsied and accepted the flowers.

  Jake took a deep breath, like he was nervous or something. “Marri Wilson, this is Archer Ferraro.”

  I held out a hand with a charming smile. “Hi. You were fantastic.”

  She smiled and shook it. “Thank you. Nice to meet you.”

  “You too.” I turned her hand over, so I could admire the gold ring on her middle finger. “Oh, wow, that’s gorgeous.” I touched the black stone.

  “Careful.”

  “Oh, sorry, is it old?” I let go of her hand.

  “It is, but I don’t want it to open.”

  “Open?”

  Jake shook his head with a wry grin.

  Marri’s lips curled to one side. “It’s an antique poison ring.”

  “Uhh…sorry, a what?” I unconsciously wiped my hand on my pants.

  “You know. It opens. I have cyanide in there.”

  Not at all sure that she wasn’t kidding, I shrugged. “I’m just gonna ask. Why do you have a poison ring?”

  “In case I’m ever buried alive. Du-uh.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “You should get one. I mean based on what you do for a living, it would make more sense for you to have one than me. Oh!” She snapped her fingers. “I bet I could find a necklace or a false tooth for you instead of a ring.”

  I flicked my eyes to Jake, who silently shook with laughter. “I’d be honored. But tell me, how did you get ahold of an antique poison ring and cyanide?”

  “I know this guy named Sebastian Snow. He owns the Antique Emporium; it’s full of all kinds of cool shit. I bought the ring from him.”

  “And the cyanide?”

  Marri’s lips slanted in a wicked smile. “Well, I’ll admit I once dated a chemistry grad at NYU and leave it at that. A girl can’t reveal all her secrets.”

  Jake slowly shook his head. “She played a witch in Macbeth last fall and really got into her role,” he said.

  Marri scoffed. “You’re not supposed to say that name. It’s cursed.” She gave a regal sniff. “I’m going out with the cast and crew for celebration. Do you guys want to come?”

  “Sure. Sounds fun,” I said.

  Jake bit his lip and gave me an odd look. “Okay.”

  “Great!” Marri grinned. “Archer, you’ll keep Jake company. Don’t let him drink tequila; it makes him sick.”

  I smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Hey! You’re not my mother,” Jake protested.

  Marri tucked her chin in and glared. “No, but I am the one who sat with you all night when you kept puking.”

  Jake blushed and grimaced. “True.”

  “Got it.” I laughed. “No tequila. We’ll have a few beers. Do you like beer?” I asked Jake.

  “Sure.” Jake got that cute, shy smile of his, and I tucked him into my side.

  “What is all this?” Marri pointed at my arm around Jake’s shoulders. “Have you progressed beyond hugging?”

  I laughed. So, he really did tell her everything. “It kind of just happened today.”

  “Are you dating?” Marri squealed.

  “Um, well…”

  “I…”


  Marri held up her hand. “All right. You don’t know yet. I get it. I’ll be back in a few minutes, and we’ll head out.” With that she flounced off, kimono fluttering behind her.

  “Wow.”

  Jake barked a laugh. “I warned you.”

  “She’s great, Jake.”

  “Yeah, she is. There’s never a dull moment.”

  “I bet.”

  We barely had time to discuss our couple status before we were ushered to a nearby jazz club that sold neon booze. An accordion player stood on stage, trying to channel Slash from Guns N’ Roses, and Marri’s friends began to consume alcohol like they were bringing back Prohibition.

  “I think this is where the hipster trend came to die,” I said in Jake’s ear. He burst out laughing, and I caught Marri’s affectionate smile.

  After our first beer, I left Jake at the table and made my way through the crowd. I was standing in line for the bathroom when someone touched my elbow.

  “Jake’s a really great guy,” Marri said without preamble, standing on tippy-toe to speak into my ear over the music.

  I’d had a feeling this was coming. “I know he is.”

  “Don’t get him in trouble, Archer.”

  “That’s the last thing I want.”

  Unnaturally green eyes pierced me. “How much has he told you about his father?”

  My brows drew together. “Nothing. I didn’t know there was one in the picture.”

  Marri searched for Jake through the crowd. “He’s not, exactly, but he’s there all the same.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I know. You need to ask him about it. You’ll understand a lot, then. In the meantime, you better not fuck him over.”

  A chill raced up my neck at the hard look in her eyes. A steel spine supported all that sweet quirkiness.

  “I won’t,” I promised. “If something happens, I’ll protect him. Even if it means he’ll never see me again.” Maybe that was overboard, but I was swiftly becoming attached to Jake, and I wasn’t quite prepared to deal with all the feelings.

  Marri frowned at that, but it was finally my turn for the bathroom.

  When I emerged, she was gone, so I made my way to our table. I stopped in my tracks. A big guy leaned over our table, in Jake’s face. Brett. Red stained my vision as I surged forward.

  “You have a sweet ass. It’d be a shame to waste it on a liar like Ferraro,” Brett said loud enough for me to hear as I neared them.

  I grabbed the hand on Jake’s hip, twisting the thumb until Brett grunted and pulled away.

  “Don’t touch him.”

  “Hi, honey. Oh, I guess I can’t call you that anymore. We never officially broke up, did we, though?” Brett smirked and wrapped his lips around his beer bottle for a chug.

  I stood in front of Jake, blocking Brett’s view, and crossed my arms. “Having me arrested was a clear enough message. Besides, we weren’t a couple.”

  “No, you only pretended to be interested so you could get a hold of my car, didn’t you? The only thing I can’t figure out is why.” Brett leaned in close, liquor wafting from his mouth.

  “What can I say? You pissed me off, and I have a short fuse.” Jake shifted next to me, and I flashed him a confident smile. “What do you want? You must’ve followed me here for a reason.”

  “I want to make you pay.”

  “I could have done that through our lawyers. You dropped the charges.”

  “No,” Brett barked, stepping into my space. “Not pay. Pay.” His nostrils flared. “I loved that car.”

  I took a deep breath to steady the temper ready to break free. “Brett, listen to me very carefully.” As much as it made my skin crawl, I spoke into his ear, so there were no misunderstandings. “I have video of you breaking into my condo through the fire escape.” Brett jerked, but I grabbed his collar to keep him close. “If you ever come near me or my friends again, I will use it. I have friends in the police department, and I’m not just saying that to scare you. Detective Greg Porter, ninth precinct. Look him up.”

  Brett gritted his teeth and gave a nasty laugh. “You’re a little worm, Ferraro.”

  I gave him a blank face. Every cruel thing Brett had done to his ex was on the tip of my tongue, yearning to burst free, but that would give me away. “Listen,” I spoke through gritted teeth. “You leave me alone; I’ll leave you alone. And we can both move on with our lives.”

  Brett’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. I could sense his fear, but the alcohol gave him false bravado. I hoped he’d remember this in the morning and forget all about Jake and me. He pulled out of my grip and I put on a big, fake smile for the people close by.

  “We good?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, we’re good.” With one last quelling look, Brett slithered away.

  I took a deep breath as I turned to Jake. Marri had appeared. She held on to his hand with both of hers. His smile wobbled, and I folded him into a hug.

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmured into his hair. “Are you okay?”

  Jake shook his head with a small tremble and straightened his spine. “I’m fine.” His arms tightened around my waist. “Not the first time a drunk got handsy. Are you okay?”

  A laugh popped out of my chest, more as a stress release than humor. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “Do you think he’ll be back?”

  I met Marri’s worried eyes over Jake’s shoulder. “I hope not.”

  Chapter 13

  Jake

  We moved to another bar at some point. It was only a dozen yards in distance, but a world away in patronage. Old-school country played over the speakers as a motorcycle gang played pool. A bachelorette party was in full swing in a large circular booth, a crown and sash marking the bride-to-be. And a handful of men in cowboy hats had their boots hooked over bar stools, drinking beer after beer.

  “Where in the hell did they come from?” I asked Archer, nodding at the cowboys.

  Archer laughed. “I have no idea. Joint bachelor and bachelorette party?”

  “Ah. You’re probably right.”

  “Shots!” Marri shouted, carrying over a tray.

  “Ughh,” I groaned.

  Archer grinned and grabbed two. “Vodka okay?”

  “I don’t handle liquor well.”

  “Just one. Together.” Archer leaned in to whisper in my ear. “I got ya, Jakey.”

  I smiled against his cheek. “I know you do.”

  I took a shot glass, and we downed them while staring into each other’s eyes.

  “Hell, yeah!” Marri and her friends all yelled, and the rest of the bar joined in. The women in the booth yelled for shots and threw phallus-shaped necklaces around.

  “Oh, Lord. Marri’s got one hooked already.” One of the cowboys had abandoned his stool and stood by Marri’s side.

  Archer pressed his face into my shoulder, shaking with laughter as Marri took the cowboy’s hat and put it on. Someone came up behind me, and Archer put a protective arm around me.

  “You boys having a good time?” It was one of the gang members in a leather jacket with patches on the sleeves and a dirty red bandana. Tattoos peeked out of his collar and sleeves. I stared in awe. He had to be six foot four or five, at least, with a thick body.

  “We’re good, man. You?” Archer spoke.

  “I was pretty bored until you two hotties came in.”

  My eyebrows flew up, but I quickly schooled my reaction.

  The biker’s grin spread slowly. “What? You don’t think bikers like dick?”

  Archer laughed. “Not really, no. Though, I gotta confess, I haven’t met many.”

  He smirked. “I’m Titus.”

  Archer smiled his cocky grin. “Shot, Titus?”

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  “I’m Archer. This is Jake,” he said as he handed a shot glass to Titus.

  Titus clinked it against the beer that had materialized in my hand. “Where did this come from?” I stared at it. Seriously, where did it
come from?

  “Oh, boy,” Archer said. “Okay. Obviously, you’re as bad with vodka as you are with tequila.”

  “I told you,” I stated with a firm nod. “Wait.” I held up a hand. “Wait. What did I tell you?”

  Titus chuckled as he drank his vodka. “He’s a handful. Need any help with that?”

  Archer shot Titus a look even I could interpret. Titus wasn’t fazed; he just grinned some more.

  “You have a very nice smile,” I said as seriously as I could. I didn’t want him to think I was flirting. Because I was with Archer.

  “I won’t think you’re flirting. I promise.” Titus said just as seriously. “And thank you. You’re very sweet, Jake. Archer’s a lucky guy.”

  I nodded and heard a snort, then noticed Archer wiping his eyes. “Why are you crying?” I cried, petting his face.

  “I’m just so happy right now.” He chuckled and kissed my cheek, and I smiled.

  “Me too. I love working with you.” I threw my arms around Archer’s shoulders. “Oh, thanks,” I said as Titus took the beer out of my hand. My smile turned into a frown. “Why are you wet, Archer?”

  “Oh, you know me. I love a good beer shower.” He flicked some damp strands of hair off his forehead.

  I shook my head, and the lights blurred a bit. “That’s silly. Now you can’t drive anywhere.”

  “No driving, baby. I promise.”

  I nodded. “I don’t want you to get arr-arrested,” I hiccupped.

  “I won’t.”

  “Good. Because then I wouldn’t get to kiss you anymore.” Archer had me in between his legs, rocking gently in time to a country tune about chicken fried and cold beer. “You might meet my dad in jail, too. That wouldn’t be any good.” I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder.

  Archer stopped rocking. “Why’s that?”

  “Hmm?” I fiddled with the zipper on his jacket.

  “Why wouldn’t I want to meet your dad, baby?” His fingers in my hair was bliss.

  “Because. He loves me, but he’s not a good person. He’d try and steal from you. And I don’t wanna choose between you, Arch-Archer. Not you.” I tightened my grip on his jacket collar. “I love you too much.”