Plum Lucky

by Janet Evanovich

  “I’m looking for Mr. Delvina, and I couldn’t help noticing you have a freshly cooked car in your lot that might be the same size as Mr. Delvina’s car.”

  I spread peanut butter on a slice of bread and added some potato chips and olives. “It is, in fact, Mr. Delvina’s car,” I told Mickey.

  “Was Mr. Delvina in it when it got cooked?”

  “Unfortunately, no.”

  “Mr. Delvina isn’t a well man,” Mickey said.

  “No kidding.”

  “He isn’t himself these days. Between you and me, he doesn’t have a rash no more, but he likes the medicine. He’s been taking more and more of it, and I think it’s making him funny in the head.”

  I finished constructing the sandwich and offered it to Mickey.

  “Thank you. I didn’t get no lunch. Mr. Delvina was anxious to get to the multiplex. He needs the money to get the missus back, but personally I think he’s spending the money on his medicine. Now he’s got this idea that Diesel is an alien. It’s crazy. It’s just crazy.”

  Mickey took a bite of the sandwich and chewed. “This is delicious,” he said. “I don’t usually like peanut butter, but this sandwich got everything in it.”

  “You don’t think Diesel is an alien?”

  “Of course not. Everyone knows aliens don’t look like that. Aliens got them big heads with the big eyes and skinny bodies. They look like what’s-​his-​name... Gumby.”

  “There you have it,” I said to Diesel. “You don’t look like an alien.”

  “Good to know,” Diesel said.

  “Anyways, after Mr. Delvina went goofy at the multiplex, we had a difference of opinion, and he kicked me out of the car and drove away. Mr. Delvina wanted to firebomb this apartment because he thinks you two are doing knicky-​knacky here and trying to breed the spawn of the alien devil.” Mickey stopped eating and thought about that for a moment. “How did Mr. Delvina’s car get cooked?” he asked.

  “Firebomb,” I told him.

  Mickey shook his head. “He never could get the hang of a good firebomb. I always had to make them. It’s important to use the right kind of bottle. People think just anyone can make a firebomb, but that isn’t so.”

  “It’s a skill,” Diesel said.

  “Exactly,” Mickey said. “We all got special skills, right? Like the boss. He used to be real good at sizing up people. He had instincts.” Mickey gave his head a shake. “I feel bad that the boss is wacko. I think I’ve been one of them en-​ablers. I’ve been going out and getting him the medicine. I shouldn’t have been doing that.” Mickey washed his sandwich down with a diet soda. “You should be careful. Mr. Delvina don’t give up on something once he gets an idea in his head. Even now that he’s screwy.” Mickey wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and gave it to me. “Call me if you see Mr. Delvina, and I’ll come try to catch him.”

  Diesel closed the door after Mickey and grinned at me. “People think we’re doing knicky-​knacky up here.”

  “Don’t get any ideas.”

  “Too late. I have lots of ideas.”

  “Are any of them about Lou Delvina?”

  “Not right now,” Diesel said.

  “Delvina’s not going to be happy when he opens his safe to deposit the money he got today.”

  Diesel screwed the top onto the peanut butter jar and put his knife in the dishwasher. “I hate to say this, but we’re going to have to find Delvina and neutralize him somehow before he figures out how to build a better bomb.”

  “Neutralize,” I said. “That’s very civilized.”

  “Yeah, I’d feel like a real tough guy if I said I was going to whack Delvina, but it wouldn’t be true. I’m not a killer.”

  I went to the window and looked out. The fire truck and police car were gone. Delvina’s car was slowly being towed away on a flatbed. Probably there was a cop somewhere in the building going door to door asking questions. I thought it best if we left before he got to the second floor.

  I zipped an all-​weather jacket over my sweatshirt and hung my purse on my shoulder. “Delvina is on foot. He can steal a car, call a friend, or he can walk to the car wash. I’m betting on the car wash.”

  We locked the apartment and took the stairs to the lobby. We pushed through the lobby doors and stopped. We didn’t have a car.

  “Crap,” I said. “No car.”

  Diesel surveyed the cars in the lot. “Pick one.”

  “You don’t kill people, but you steal cars?”

  “Yep.”

  I hauled my cell phone out and I called Lula. “I need a ride to my parents’ house.”

  My father was out running errands and my mother and grandmother were in the kitchen yelling at each other.

  “You’re grounded,” my mother said to my grandmother. “You are not to leave this house.”

  “Blow it out your ear,” my grandmother said.

  My mother looked at me when I walked in. “What am I supposed to do with her?”

  “I think you should make a deal.”

  “What kind of deal?”

  “How about you buy her a television for her room if she promises not to go off like that ever again.”

  “I like that deal,” Grandma said. “I could use a television in my room. I could watch whatever I wanted if I had my own television.”

  Everyone has a price.

  “I guess that would be okay,” my mother said. “We could get you a little flat screen that would sit on your bureau.”

  “I’m having car problems,” I said. “I was wondering if I could borrow Uncle Sandor’s Buick.”

  “Sure,” my grandmother said. “Help yourself.”

  When my Great-​Uncle Sandor went into the nursing home, he left his 1953 powder-​blue-​and-​white Buick to Grandma Mazur. Grandma Leadfoot had her license revoked and isn’t able to drive the car, but the car lives in my father’s garage for emergency use.

  “Sweet Thing, you’ve got a heck of a gene pool,” Diesel said, following me out of the house. “Your grandmother is fearless. She’s not even afraid of your mother.”

  “Grandma’s philosophy is now or never.”

  I opened the garage door and Diesel’s smile widened. “This is a car.”

  Actually, it only looked like a car. It drove like a refrigerator on wheels. I gave Diesel the keys and climbed onto the passenger seat.

  Diesel powered the car out of the Burg to Hamilton Avenue, and we cruised by the car wash. Not a lot going on in the rain. No sign of Delvina. We’d watched for him on the way over with Lula and hadn’t seen him then, either.

  “What will we do if we find Delvina?” I asked Diesel.

  “Good question. If he was a normal person, we could sit on him and get him detoxed. Unfortunately, I don’t think detoxing Delvina will entirely eliminate his desire to kill us.

  We parked across the street half a block away, and I called Connie. “Tell me about Delvina’s car wash. What does he do with it? Launder money? Run numbers? Pimp out hookers?”

  “All of the above,” Connie said. “I’m not sure about the laundering, but it’s a cash operation, so it stands to reason he washes more than cars.”

  “How about employees? Would anyone have access to the safe besides Delvina?”

  “So far as I know, he hires a bunch of dumb kids. If anyone else had access to the safe, I’d think it was his stooge, Mickey”

  “Okay, here’s what we’ve got,” I said to Diesel. “He kidnapped Grandma and extorted Snuggy. He runs numbers out of the car wash, has a stable of hookers, and probably washes money. Surely we can get him sent away for at least one of those.”

  We’d sat there for a half hour and I was getting twitchy. Time was passing and Delvina was out there plotting God-​knew-​what.

  My cell phone rang and I snatched it out of my purse.

  “Delvina was here,” Connie said. “He burst into the office like a crazy person, ranting and waving a gun around. He said he was looking for you and the a
lien. I’m guessing that would be Diesel. Clearly, neither of you was here, so he took off. He was rambling on about how you vacated your apartment, but he’d track you down. I think he might be going to your parents’ house next. He said he knew where you lived.”

  “Stay here in the Buick and watch the car wash,” Diesel said. “I’ll go to your parents’ house. If Delvina shows up, don’t make a move. Just sit tight and call me.”

  “Take the Buick. It’ll be faster.”

  He was out of the car. “I don’t need the Buick.”

  “You aren’t going to steal a car, are you?”

  “Close your eyes and count to a hundred.”

  I closed my eyes and counted to twenty. I opened my eyes and Diesel was gone. I looked down the street. Was a car missing from the curb?

  The rain had dropped back to a drizzle. It streaked the windshield and shimmered on the street. It was mid-​afternoon and traffic was picking up. A black Town Car pulled into the car wash lot and parked behind the office. The rear quarter panel of the car was peppered with bullet holes. The headlights blinked off, and Mickey got out of the car and went into the office through the back door.

  Minutes later, an armored truck rolled down the street, pulled into the lot, and parked beside the Town Car. Delvina got out of the armored truck and walked to the building, carrying the messenger bag. He was wearing a bulky raincoat, and his head was wrapped in aluminum foil.

  I tapped Diesel’s number into my cell phone and the number instantly went to voicemail. “Delvina’s here,” I said and disconnected.

  I sat for a couple moments and ran out of patience. I got out of the car and ran across the street to the car wash. I crept around the building, hoping to see in a window, but had no luck. I very slowly and silently turned the knob to the back door and eased the door open just a crack.

  The office was basically one large room with a front door opening into the car wash lobby and a back door opening to the parking lot. I peeked through the crack and saw Delvina and Mickey in front of the safe.

  “You got a what?” Mickey asked.

  “An armored car. I’m taking my money and I’m going to Kansas. I read where it’s safer from aliens in the middle of the country.”

  “That’s crazy. And what about the missus and her new house?”

  “Screw the missus. I don’t even want a new house. I don’t know what was wrong with the old house. Anyway, this is serious. I’m gonna get rid of this alien, but there might be more. They travel in packs or pods or something.” Delvina took a bottle out of his pocket and popped some pills into his mouth.

  “You should go easy on those pills,” Mickey said. “I think they might be making you goofy.”

  “I need these pills. I got a rash.”

  “I don’t see no rash.”

  “That’s because I’m taking the pills, stupid.”

  “What are you wearing on your head? Is that for the rain?”

  “It’s so they can’t control my mind. You know how we use aluminum foil to scramble the GPS when we hijack a truck? It’s the same with aliens. You wear this aluminum foil on your head, and they can’t fuck with your mind.”

  “I guess that makes sense, but I’m not convinced they’re aliens. They don’t look like aliens.”

  “That’s because they’re shape-​shifters. Remember when we used to watch Star Trek?”

  “Yeah, them shape-​shifters were nasty buggers.”

  “Anyway, I’m sorry I kicked you out of the car, and I didn’t mean it when I fired you,” Delvina said. “It’s just you weren’t making any sense.”

  “Maybe, but I don’t see where we want to make trouble with that big guy Diesel and the Plum woman.”

  “It’s us or them,” Delvina said. “Anybody can see that.”

  Delvina set the black canvas messenger bag on the floor by the safe and spun the dial. He fed in the combination, pulled the door open, and gasped. No duffel bag in the safe.

  “Where’s the bag?” he asked Mickey. “Where’s the money?”

  “It’s in the safe,” Mickey said.

  “The safe’s friggin’ empty.”

  “That’s impossible. Only you and me’s got the combination. How would the safe get empty? Maybe you took the money out and forgot.”

  Color was oozing into Delvina’s face. “I got a mind like a steel trap. I don’t forget nothing. I’m no dummy.”

  “Yeah, but boss, you been taking a lot of pills lately.”

  “Stop with the pills. I know what I’m doing. You’re the one who don’t know what he’s doing.” Delvina tapped his finger against the aluminum foil. “You’re not protecting your brain like I am. And I’m smart enough to know who took the money.”

  “Who took it?” Mickey asked.

  “You took it,” Delvina said.

  “I don’t think so. I don’t remember taking it.”

  “You took it because I fired you. Thought you’d get away with it.”

  “That’s insulting. I wouldn’t do something like that.”

  “I want my money,” Delvina yelled at Mickey. “Give it to me.”

  “I don’t got it. I swear.”

  Delvina grabbed a double-​barreled shotgun from a gun rack on the wall. “This is your last chance.”

  Mickey’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. “That’s nuts.”

  Delvina raised the shotgun and Mickey took off for the back door. I jumped away and Mickey ran out of the building, slamming the door shut behind him. BAM! Delvina blasted a cantaloupe-​size hole in the door. Mickey threw himself into the Town Car and cranked it over.

  I looked down at my feet and told them to run, but they didn’t do anything.

  Delvina kicked the door open and aimed at the car, but the car was already skidding out of the lot. I was standing behind the door and would have been hidden except for the big hole in it.

  “You!” Delvina said. And he turned the shotgun on me.

  I was total deer in the headlights. I was open mouthed, heart-​thumping frozen.

  “Get in the office,” he said. “Go!”

  I stumbled inside and tried to pull it together. I didn’t think he’d shoot me if I didn’t make any sudden moves. Diesel was the guy he really wanted. He’d use me to get Diesel.

  Delvina took cuffs out of the top desk drawer. He dropped them on the desk and took a step back with the shotgun still trained on me. “Put them on.”

  I cuffed myself with my hands in front. If you’re serious about restraining someone, you never do this. Hands are always cuffed behind, but Delvina didn’t seem to care.

  “Okay,” he said. “Where is he?”

  My mind was racing. I needed to get Delvina into a position where he’d be at a disadvantage. I was afraid if we stayed in the office, Diesel might walk in and get blown away. I decided my best chance at survival was to take Delvina to Rangeman and have Ranger’s crew come to my rescue.

  “Diesel went to check on Snuggy and Doug,” I said. “They’re hidden in a parking garage downtown.”

  “Then that’s where we’re going.” He motioned to the door with the shotgun. “Walk.”

  I squinted into the misting rain when I stepped outside. I didn’t see Diesel. I didn’t see Mickey returning with an attendant from the psychiatric ward at St. Francis. What I saw was an armored truck.

  “Get in,” Delvina said. “You’re driving.”

  “That might not be a good idea,” I said. “I’ve never driven an armored truck before.”

  “It’s like any other truck. It’s even automatic. Just get in before I shoot you. It’s raining on my aluminum foil. It’s real loud in my head. Like rain on a tin roof.”

  I hauled myself up onto the driver’s seat and put my cuffed hands on the wheel. “You’re going to have to turn the key and put it into reverse,” I told Delvina.

  I inched my way back, Delvina put it into drive, and I inched my way out of the lot. I had no rear visibility except for the
side mirrors. Narrow bulletproof windshield. My hands were cuffed together, and the monster drove like a freight train. I was afraid I’d run over a Dodge Neon and never know.

  “Where did you get this?” I asked Delvina.

  “Borrowed it.”

  Oh boy.

  I rolled over a couple curbs and took out a mailbox, but I kept going.

  “Cripes,” Delvina said. “You’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen.”