by Jeff Kinney
Both of them liked Prudence, and at
school they fought for her attention.
80
But Prudence liked both guys for
different reasons. So on Friday nights
she'd go roller-skating with Gunther and
on Saturdays she'd go with Anders to a
museum or a foreign-language film.
81
Even though Anders really enjoyed
spending time with Prudence he missed
hanging out with his pal even more. So
one day at lunch Anders told Gunther
that if he was in love with Prudence then
Anders wouldn't get in his way.
That night Gunther went to Prudence's
house with a bouquet of flowers to
declare his love for her. But Prudence
said her heart belonged to somebody else,
and Gunther left brokenhearted.
82
And you can probably guess who Prudence
chose instead.
Gunther never got over his heartbreak.
And when he grew up he became the
legendary Headless Horseman who
terrorized young couples on Valentine's
Day and not on Halloween night like
everyone always thinks.
83
Believe it or not Anders and Prudence
dated all the way through high school.
They took a break when they went to
colleges in different states but got back
together after they graduated.
Prudence became a veterinarian and
Anders became an accountant, and they
raised their family in Elmsford. And even
though Prudence and Anders never made
the front page of the newspaper like their
famous friend, they did make a difference
in the town where they lived.
85
Today was a big day at the international
airport because it was the unveiling
of the brand-new high tech security
scanner. The new machine could scan a
bunch of people at once and that meant
shorter lines at the airport, which
everyone was pretty jazzed about.
Everybody knew this was a big deal so tons
of people showed up hoping to be the first
ones to go through the scanner.
were under a lot of pressure to get it
But the scientists who made the machine
done quickly and they didn't really have
time to test it out.
86
So everyone was pretty surprised when
the first batch of people went through
the machine and they came out the other
side as SKELETONS.
Right now you are probably saying "It's
so sad those people died going through
the scanner" but don't worry because
somehow they were still ALIVE. And the
scientists who made the machine couldn't
figure out HOW.
87
At first the people who went through
the scanner were kind of annoyed they
got turned into skeletons.
But they felt better about things when
they became celebrities overnight.
People realized that if they were
skeletons they didn't need to spend all
their money on skin cream and makeup
and clothes and stuff like that. So now
EVERYONE wanted to go through the
scanner, and the next day the airport
was totally PACKED.
88
It turns out there were a LOT of good
things about being a skeleton.
People figured out that they could sleep
in late because they didn't have to take
a shower. And since they didn't have
stomachs they started sleeping EXTRA
late because they didn't need to eat
breakfast either.
Since no one had any muscles nobody
needed to exercise. And if they broke a
bone, all it took was a little duct tape to
fix things up.
89
A bunch of other annoying things also
went away, like pimples and warts and
skinned knees and bedhead. And emojis got
a lot simpler too.
Another nice thing was that everyone
could use the same restrooms since no
one really needed privacy anymore.
Everyone looked the same so people
were a lot nicer to each other too. And
the more people who went through the
scanner, the better things seemed to get.
90
But before long people started noticing
some things that WEREN'T so great. A
lot of businesses closed because nobody
needed their services anymore.
Halloween was a lot more boring because
everyone just went as the same thing.
91
Parents kept picking up the wrong kids
from daycare and after a while it was a
total MESS.
And even though it was great that
everyone looked the same, people started
to miss the old days when they DIDN'T.
92
In fact people started missing a LOT
of things, like having lips and eyeballs
and not being so cold all the time. And
everyone realized they'd made a terrible
mistake and wanted to change BACK.
But the scientists who built the scanner
never figured out why it worked to
begin with. So they had no idea how to
make the thing go in REVERSE.
Well this made the people who got
turned into skeletons MAD. And on a cold
winter's night they stormed the airport.
93
The skeletons dragged the scanner out
of the building and threw it down the
nearest cliff, where it blew up.
Then the craziest thing happened. The
skeletons all turned back into how they
were before, minus their clothes. And
everyone was glad they were back to
normal but they wished they had done
this on a warmer night.
95
Long ago there was a boy named Rafe,
and Rafe was a very happy boy. He lived
in a hut made from mud and straw with
his parents. And even though they didn't
have much, they were happy to have
each other.
Rafe's parents were very proud of
their boy. He was growing up strong and
healthy and he never once complained
about cleaning out the chicken coop.
96
Rafe would wake up at the crack of dawn
and go to bed when the sun went down.
And on special nights Rafe's parents gave
him a candle so he could stay up a little
longer to read.
Sometimes if Rafe was enjoying a book
he'd stay up EXTRA late and read under
the covers. But it turns out that wasn't
such a good idea back then.
Rafe's favorite stories were the ones
about other children, because Rafe didn't
have any friends of his own. In fact Rafe
had never met ANYONE besides his mom
and dad.
97
Sometimes Rafe would ask his parents if
they could take a trip to a place where
there were other people. But Rafe's
parents said the journey would be too
dangerous and they showed him why.
So Rafe made pretend friends out of mud
and straw to play with, which was OK but
Rafe really wished he had the real thing.
98
One night after Rafe finished reading he
went into the kitchen to get some water.
But then he heard strange noises unlike
anything he'd heard before.
The sounds were coming from the cellar.
And even though Rafe was very curious
about the noises, his parents had told him
he must never, ever go down in the cellar.
99
The next morning at breakfast Rafe
described the mysterious sounds he
heard the night before.
But his parents said maybe Rafe had
been dreaming because he was making
nonsense noises.
Rafe wanted to ask his parents what
was in the cellar and why his dad was
down there every Monday through
Friday from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m.
But he knew they didn't like to talk
about those things.
Years passed and Rafe didn't hear the
sounds again.
100
By now Rafe was eighteen years old and
was almost as tall as his father. Rafe's
parents could see that their boy had
become a man and they said it was time
to tell him the truth about where they
came from.
So they described a world with "cars"
and "airplanes" and "medicine" and other
things that made Rafe's head spin.
101
They told Rafe the world they came
from was wonderful in some ways but
there was a dark side too. Then they
told him about the glowing objects called
"screens" that had everyone under their
spell.
They explained that when Rafe was born
they didn't want him to grow up under
the spell of screens. So they made a
decision to leave their world behind.
102
All of a sudden everything made sense
to Rafe. His parents were TIME
TRAVELERS, and they took him back to
a simpler time to PROTECT him.
But when Rafe mentioned the time-
travel thing his parents had a pretty
good chuckle and told him he had it all
wrong.
They said when they left their world
behind they meant they just moved
away from the city and PRETENDED
they were living in the dark ages.
Then Rafe's dad said he had something
he'd been waiting a long time to show him.
103
So he opened the cellar door and took
Rafe down the steps, where Rafe saw
things that totally blew his mind, like
a computer and a printer and a fancy
chair on wheels.
Rafe's dad said he had a job where
he worked from home, and then he
introduced Rafe to his co-workers.
104
Rafe started to feel dizzy and said he
needed to sit down. So he sat in his dad's
chair which was a LOT more comfortable
than the crummy stools he was used to.
Rafe's parents could see that their
son wasn't happy and they felt kind
of bad for lying to him all his life. And
they thought maybe they'd gone a little
overboard trying to protect him from
the modern world.
Then Rafe's dad got an idea for how to
make it up to his son. He told Rafe that
now that he was a grown man there was
something he should have. And he gave
Rafe his very first phone.
105
Rafe's parents said that there was one
more secret they needed to tell him.
They said they weren't surrounded by
sharks and wolves and snakes and that
they were only a few miles from a big
city. Then they said it was time for Rafe
to join the modern world and get a job
and start a family of his own.
But now that Rafe had a phone he
wasn't interested in anything else, and he
didn't see any reason to ever leave home.
So Rafe's parents thought maybe they'd
had the right idea to begin with.
107
There once was a woman who lived in a
retirement community all by herself and
her name was Frances. But everyone in
her family called her Great Aunt Fannie
or just Fannie for short.
Speaking of her family, Fannie didn't have
any kids but she had lots of nieces and
nephews and they had kids of their own.
But none of them ever came to visit
Fannie because they were too wrapped
up in their own lives to visit her.
108
Fannie lived in a little condo but she had
a really big TV. She needed a big TV
because her eyesight wasn't that great
and the only thing that really made her
happy was watching her soap operas.
Every day Fannie would do the same
thing. She'd watch her programs until
she got tired and then she'd take a nap
in her comfy chair. And when she was
done with her nap she'd make herself a
sandwich and watch more soap operas
until the news came on.
One day while she was watching her
programs she saw an ad for something
she thought might be useful for a person
