Searching for Beautiful

by Nyrae Dawn

Page 21

  Author: Nyrae Dawn

  I will never be that girl again.

  “I can’t…”

  “Brynn. ”

  “I’m hanging out with Emery. ” It was the first day we could plan after talking at the center last week.

  “Cool. That’s good. She’s cool, but I think she’s a little loco, too. Not like Ellie and Diana, but really crazy in the head. ”

  “Hey!” I wish for something to throw at him. “She is not. She’s nice. She’s my friend!”

  The words just come out and I want to say them again. Because she is, I think. Emery is my friend. And I’m glad for it. Glad to have someone again whom I can call a friend.

  Christian grins. “Would you defend me so strongly if someone called me crazy?”

  Looking at him, I realize I would.

  He’s joking. I know it, but I can’t stop myself from looking at him seriously and saying, “I would. ” The nod he gives me says he knows what I mean. That he’s my friend, too.

  “That’s what I like to hear. ”

  I freeze when Christian’s hand reaches up and he cups my cheek. Briefly, I close my eyes, just savoring the feel of his skin against mine. He’s gentle. So, so gentle. I want to believe it’s not an act.

  “I should go. ”

  Christian nods and drops his hand, and I walk away.

  …

  When I get inside, Dad’s asleep on the couch. It’s not something I’ve seen a lot. Dad’s not the kind of guy for that. If he needs a nap, he goes to his room, and besides, he’s almost never home on a workday like this.

  Glancing at my phone, I see that I don’t have much time before I need to meet Emery, so I head to my room to get ready. I change clothes before standing in front of my mirror to do my hair. As I brush through the red, I flash back to Dad on the couch. Wonder what he’s doing there. Maybe he’s sick? Has a headache… “Oh my God. ”

  My brush hits the counter as I run down the stairs and into the living room. My heart beats like crazy as I go. My vision blurs with tears when I fall to the floor by him. “Daddy! Wake up. Please wake up!” My hands grab his shoulders and shake him. His eyes pop open, fear reflecting in them, and I bury my face in my hands and cry.

  I’d fought with Mom. Didn’t worry about her headache, and then she died. She looked so normal when I found her. Like she was sleeping. Like Dad.

  “Brynn? Honey, what’s wrong?” Dad jerks up into a sitting position.

  “I thought you were dead. ” Nothing could have held back the words, even though I wish I could have. “I thought I was ignoring you while you were dying. ”

  “Oh, dolcezza. No, baby girl. I’m okay. Just a little headache. It’s not the same thing as Mom. I promise. ” He climbs to the floor and pulls me to him. I let him pet my hair the way Mom would have. Listen to him shush me and call me his sweetheart.

  I don’t know how long we sit like this. All I can think is I could have lost him. I could have stood in another room while he died just like Mom. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks a few minutes later.

  “Yeah. ” My tears are drying and I feel stupid for them and want to cling to him, too, but instead I pull away.

  “My sinuses were bothering me, so I came home early from work. I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything’s okay, though. You know that, right? I won’t leave you, Brynn. ”

  I look down at him. See him as he still sits on the floor, and it’s so unlike my dad, but somehow like him, too. When he wants to, he can say the right thing. It’s just that he loved her so much, sometimes the right thing isn’t as important as she was.

  “Thank you. I feel stupid. ” I close my eyes, wishing I could take back the last few minutes.

  “How about we order a pizza tonight?” Dad stands. “Maybe rent a movie or something?”

  “I can’t. I have plans. ” I look at him. If you ask me to, I’ll stay. I miss you.

  “You’ve been hanging out with that neighbor boy quite a lot, Brynn. I don’t even know him. I’m not sure I like you hanging out with a boy I don’t know. ” He crosses his arms. Not angrily, but contemplatively.

  “What are you talking about? We ride back and forth to school together and that’s all. We went to the center once, but you’re the one who makes me go there, so that’s not my fault. ”

  Dad sighs. “I don’t want to fight with you. I’m trying here. I just think after everything, I’d like to get to know the people you’re hanging out with, that’s all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. ”

  My face feels hot; a mixture of embarrassment and anger. “After everything? You mean after I seduced Jason, right?”

  “I didn’t say that. Stop putting words into my mouth, Brynn, or you won’t be going anywhere with him tonight. I have a right to know who you’re spending time with. ”

  Maybe. But he also has the obligation to believe in me. It makes my chest ache that he doesn’t. “Mom would have trusted me. ” The way his face pales, I know I just hurt him. But I’m hurt, too. “I’m not even going anywhere with Christian. I’m hanging out with Emery. She’s a girl from the center you make me go to. I’ll be back in a couple hours. ” On the way out the door, I grab my purse.

  Dad doesn’t try to stop me.

  …

  “The movie doesn’t start for an hour. Do you mind if we get some food? Eating for two, remember?” Emery points down at her stomach and smiles as I approach her. We decided to meet here to visit first, but hadn’t made specific plans on what we’d do. There are a few restaurants around us, so it makes sense to grab a bite.

  Her smile does something to break through the wall Dad built around me today. I almost texted her to cancel, but the second I saw her, I’m glad I came.

  “Sure, we can eat. I’m hungry, too. ”

  “Thank God. I get grumpy when I don’t eat. You don’t want to see me grumpy. ”

  I laugh and we walk over to the little strip of restaurants. I expected today to be awkward, but it isn’t. As we walk into the little pizza place, I realize it’s the normality that makes it so perfect. It’s just any other day. I’m a regular girl, eating with a friend.

  “Glad we’re eating, then. I can’t imagine you grumpy. ”

  We go to the counter and I order a Coke and a mini pepperoni pizza. Emery gets a root beer and just about everything in the diner on her pizza. We sit down in a booth and she says, “Excuse me,” as her feet push up onto the bench seat next to me.

  “Sorry. I have to put them up as much as possible. ”

  “No worries,” I tell her.

  Emery takes a drink. “Ugh. I hate root beer. ”

  “Why do you drink it?”

  “Caffeine. It’s not good for the baby and this is caffeine-free. And I hate water even more than root beer. ”

  “Oh. ” I look at my drink. I hate root beer, too. I never even considered having to change what I drank just because I was pregnant.

  “How do you hate water? I thought everyone liked it. ”

  Emery rolls her eyes, but with a smile on her face. “No, silly girl. People drink water because you have to. Even I do sometimes, but no one really likes it. ”

  This time it’s me rolling my eyes. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t even have a real flavor. ”

  “Exactly,” she retorts. “How can you really like something if it doesn’t have a distinct taste that you enjoy?”

  Okay, so maybe she has a small point there, but still. “I promise you, there are people who love water. ”

  “Are not. ” Her voice is playful, and I can tell she’s doing this just to have fun with me.

  “Are, too. ” I play along with her game of pretending we’re eight.

  “Name one. ”

  “My mother” shoots right out of my mouth, but then I add, “Well, she did. Obviously she can’t love it anymore. ”

  I
wait to see if she’s going to ask me what happened, but when she doesn’t, I tell her anyway. “She died. She had an aneurysm. ”

  “I’m sorry. That sucks. ”

  “Yeah, it does. ” That about explains it perfectly.

  “Oh, I forgot. I was bored the other day and drew this for you. ” Emery reaches into her pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper.

  My palms are sweaty as I grab it from her and open it.

  “It’s nothing,” she says. “Just a doodle. ”

  My eyes scan the page, taking it all in. It’s a vase, with hands touching it, arms ending on the edge of the paper so you can’t see who is touching it. My fingers yearn for pottery in my hand. My thumb brushes that paper as though I’m molding clay.

  “It’s lame,” Emery whispers.

  “No, it’s not. It’s awesome. Thank you. ” It’s the nicest thing someone has done for me in forever.

  “So what’s up with you and the hottie?”

  I manage to pull my eyes from the drawing. “Emery—”

  “It’s not a big deal, Brynn. Let’s talk boys. Tell me about you and the hottie. ”

  I sigh, knowing she won’t change her mind on this. There’s no question in my mind on who the hottie is. “Nothing. There’s nothing going on with Christian and me. We’re just friends. ”

  “He looks at you like he wants to be more than a friends. Friendship with a guy like that almost feels like a waste. ”

  I want to laugh at that thought because it is pretty funny, but I’m too distracted by what she said first. “Christian doesn’t look at me like anything. He knows I don’t want a boyfriend. Not that I think he would want to be mine, because I don’t, but it wouldn’t matter…boys suck. ”

  The waiter sets each of our pizzas in front of us. Emery picks up a piece and immediately takes a bite. Then she taps my leg with her foot. Her eyes soften and not in the way that tells me she’s feeling sorry for me, but one that makes me feel like she understands. “That’s what girlfriends are for. To make you feel better. ”

  “This is the first time I’ve gone out with a friend in a really long time. ”

  “I guess that means we really should have fun, then,” she says.

  “Which is kind of a shame; I was really looking forward to being miserable. ” My words are meant as a joke, but they strike a chord of familiarity inside me. I’ve spent so much time being miserable lately. I’m determined not to let myself do that today. “Now the pressure is on. I’ve changed my mind and I’m expecting to have a good time. ”

  She raises her glass and I clank it with mine.

  “Most definitely,” she says.

  Even more so than before, I know it was the right decision to come.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Now

  We stay in the restaurant until about five minutes before our movie starts. And I laugh. A lot. Emery is funny and has an attitude and she’s very open about her life. I don’t ask her about Max, and she doesn’t offer, but she tells me about her parents and how she never got along with them. How she never felt close to them and she thinks the pregnancy was just the excuse they were looking for to kick her out.

  When I tell her I’m sorry, she shakes it off and moves straight into talking about her foster family. How they remind her of a perfect family and sometimes she thinks they might be cyborgs, but I think she likes them more than she wants to admit.

  Before we know it, we’re laughing again and talking as we make our way back to the movie theater. Emery orders popcorn and we go inside. The movie’s a comedy and I find myself thinking a few times how much Mom would have liked it. Romantic comedies were her favorite, but basically anything that could make her laugh. She liked to laugh more than anyone I know. I try to remember what she sounded like, but it’s almost as if it’s further and further away. Soon, I wonder if the sound will be gone from my memory, leaving an open space from where it used to be.