I started telling Crow about my plans, but Damo called him over. Damn it. Our time always got interrupted.
I did need to fix my makeup. Fiona hadn't come to the arena with us. The interview team makeup artist had done an okay job, but there were a few things that needed work. I hated the lip color she'd used on me, for starters.
When I got back from doing that, Crow had finished with Damo.
"I've never been filmed onstage before," I told Crow. "I'm a bit worried."
"You'll be fine," he told me.
Everyone kept saying that, but being fine was way too low-level for me. I wanted to be so much more than fine. I wanted to captivate people. I wanted them to fall in love with me.
"Maybe I should ask Damo for tips," I said. "He's used to being in the spotlight like that."
"Just be yourself," Crow said.
"I want to be so much more than myself, though. "I want to be the best," I told him
A strange look crossed his face.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Come on, Crow. There's something. Spill it."
"You seem to be making a big deal out of this."
"It is a big deal. Every opportunity is a chance to make more fans. I need to grab those chances with both hands."
He shrugged. "It's about the music, nothing else."
I scoffed. "You don't know much about the music industry if you think that. It's okay for you, sitting back there behind your drums. Do you think you guys would've made it this far without Damo pushing?"
"That might be true, but you don't need to push so much."
He could say that, but I was the one out front, the one everyone watched. I guessed if he didn't understand that, there was no point explaining. I wondered if he saw this game differently than I did. To me, the music was important, but it was just one element. I couldn't separate those things. I'd never be one to take things easy or let them run their natural course. Pushing was what I did best.
Before I could think too much, though, it was time to go on.
I stood up.
"Do I look perfect?" I asked. I rushed to the mirror.
"You look fine," Polly said.
Again with that word. Fine would never be enough for me.
Fay
THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN Paris were as close to perfect as they could be. Crow and I got up early every morning and hit the streets. Then we'd get to the arena to play. Every night, he'd come to my room, and we'd fool around. He never spent the night in my room again, instead leaving to sleep in his own bed.
"Come on, you can stay," I said when he tried to leave that night. "It's not a huge deal."
"It's a huge deal to me," he answered. "Go slow, remember?"
I sighed, and he kissed me. His kisses stole the words right out of me. I could hardly argue with his lips on mine. I hated it when he left, though. I craved the warmth of his body against mine and his arms around me. I guessed that time would come soon, but not nearly soon enough for me.
When he broke the kiss, I wanted to ask him again, hold on to him and force him to stay with me, but I hesitated. I didn't want him to stay the night with me because I'd nagged at him or because I'd tricked him and or I'd worked it too hard. There'd be no fun in that. I wanted him to stay with me because he was so overcome with lust for me that he wouldn't even consider anything else.
As much as I cared for him, I wondered if there was something wrong with our relationship that made it so easy for him to leave me after a few kisses. He said it wasn't easy, that it took all his self-control, but he still did it. Surely, a man overcome with love wouldn't move so slowly. They'd want to explore every inch of my body. Their need would be so urgent that they couldn't wait to rip my clothes off.
I didn't want to be the one pushing everything in this relationship. As much as I believed in going for what you wanted, I needed some of that "going for it" coming from the other direction too. He could talk about going slow, but a glacier would move faster, and, meanwhile, my body ached for more.
Every time he left me, I almost wept with frustration. I was all fired up and ready to go, then nothing happened.
We never even advanced far past kissing. I didn't need the full deal, just a bit more hand or mouth action. But he didn't even want to go that far.
After he left, I closed the door behind him, then leaned against the door frame. Did he have any idea how much it tortured me every time he left? I'd lie awake for hours, wondering what I'd done wrong, if there was something missing in me.
This whole going-slow thing made sense in theory, but in practice, it always felt like a rejection.
The next morning, before I went to breakfast, I got a message. It was the girl I'd thought was Crow's sister. I hadn't heard from her after the first message, so I'd been worried I'd said the wrong thing.
Jeez, she was in Paris. She'd jumped on a plane after my message.
Can you arrange for us to meet? she asked.
My heart did about a hundred weird things when I read that. It pounded when I thought that Crow and his sister might be reunited after all this time, but at the same time it sunk in that I'd have to tell Crow I'd contacted his sister. Surely, though, the main thing would be getting them together. He clearly had a lot of trauma about their relationship, and now she wanted to make things up. Of course he'd want to see her. He'd be so happy.
Wow, I'd done well.
She'd arrived this morning and was staying at a hotel not too far away. She planned to stay a few days.
I replied, telling her I'd do what I could.
I met Crow in the breakfast room. The secret bubbled inside me, wanting to spill out, but I couldn't tell him at a table full of people. He'd hate that. I was sure he'd have a lot of emotion to process about it.
Instead, I ate my eggs and bacon with a grin.
"What's up with you, Firecracker?" Elijah said. "You're grinning like crazy. You and Crow finally sealed the deal?"
"Urgh, don't be so nosy," I told him.
I wished we'd sealed the deal. Elijah mentioning it like that just rubbed it in. It was normal that we'd be screwing by now. We'd be unable to leave each other alone, and we definitely wouldn't be coming down here for breakfast. Some mornings, Rose and Elijah barely made it to breakfast.
After we'd finished eating, I arranged to meet Crow in the lobby. We had no time to lose. Sightseeing awaited us. I grabbed my stuff and rushed back down.
"Another beautiful day in Paris," I said.
He grabbed my hand, and we started walking. I would never get sick of this, no matter how often we did it.
We'd reached a little park. I had to tell him about his sister, and I didn't want to put it off any longer. Fear and happiness fought within me. Surely, he'd be pleased. He had to be. His sister was family, and no one wanted to be estranged from their family. I wasn't even sure where to start. Crow valued his privacy, valued it a lot. But he would want to see his sister.
When we got to a little bridge, I stopped.
"What's up?" he asked. "Do you want me to take some photos of you?"
"I did something. I hope you don't mind," I said. I leaned against the railing, looking into the water. Two people floated by in a little boat beneath us.
He moved to lean on the railing beside me.
"I did some research. And, well, I found someone. I didn't mean to interfere, but I've found your sister. She wants to meet with you. She's in Paris now, and--"
Crow scared me. The way his face changed. I flinched away from him. Had I done the wrong thing? But, no...
"You shouldn't have done that," he said.
"But you want to see her. Surely, after all this time..."
Crow didn't answer. He didn't give me time to explain.
"I'm sorry," I said. I looked up at him, expecting some gentleness to settle on his face.
He shook his head and walked away.
Huh? I understood he was angry, but he was just walking?
"Crow, wait!"
I called.
He didn't even break his stride. He had to turn around, I thought. We were together, and everything was perfect. It couldn't be destroyed that quickly.
"Crow! I'm sorry. Come back. Listen to me."
None of my cries reached him.
My heart said to run after him, but my feet wouldn't move. That look he'd given me would haunt me forever. If I chased him, he'd push me away. I knew that, and I couldn't stand to have him treat me like that.
I'd wanted to bring light and happiness to his life, but maybe I'd just dug up things that were better left buried. I'd ruined things. I thought I'd done the right thing, but the way he'd looked at me had erased any doubt.
My heart clenched, heavy with fear. Surely, he'd turn around. He wouldn't just walk away from me. But Crow wasn't the kind of man who toyed with that kind of thing. As much as I hoped, I knew that if he walked away, he'd keep on walking.
I stood on the bridge watching as he moved into the distance.
Fay
I SPENT THE REST OF the day in my room until it was time to go to the arena. I didn't want Polly asking what was wrong or any of the others teasing me.
The sun shining outside mocked me. Every dancing ray said, "Remember how happy you were not that long ago?" That sun could shut up. I closed the curtains.
A few times, I picked up my phone to message Cindy. She needed to know that the meeting probably wouldn't happen. Just picking up my phone made my stomach twist into knots, though. I felt bad for myself, and I felt bad for Crow, but mostly, I felt bad for her. She'd flown all this way, so she obviously wanted to reconcile with him, but I'd given her false hope. I'd planted seeds that would never flower.
The sunlight still filtered into the room, around the edge of the curtains. I wanted to get up and adjust them so I could have complete darkness, but I lacked the energy to even do that. Normally, my head buzzed with ideas on how to fix things, but this time, I had nothing.
I'd planned to wait until the last minute to meet the others in the lobby, but then I thought maybe Crow's feelings had changed. He'd forgiven me, and everything would be okay. He couldn't stay angry with me forever. He loved me. I had to hold on to that and believe this would work out. And, surely, when he thought about it, he'd see Cindy needed a chance, too.
He wasn't in the lobby when I got there. There was only Lij and Rose.
"What's wrong?" Lij said. "You look down. And where's Crow?"
I tried to smile, but it seemed like a massive effort for nothing. That was exactly the question I didn't want to be asked.
"I did something wrong," I told Elijah. I sure wasn't prepared to go into what.
"Well, that's a given, if it's you," he said. "But it wouldn't be a terrible thing. You have a heart of gold, Firecracker. Anyone who's spent five minutes with you knows that."
I sat down on the bench. "Maybe I went too far this time," I said.
He rubbed my shoulder. "Cheer up. Crow's a funny guy, but if he wants to be with you, he has to accept you as you are. You're always going to go too far and be a little crazy. If you tried to stop that, you wouldn't be you."
Damo and Polly got to the lobby, and Elijah said no more. I let them talk around me while studied my hands.
What Elijah had said was right. Crow knew what I was like. I couldn't help but interfere in things. That was my way. I wasn't saying that he'd brought this on himself or anything like that, and I couldn't absolve myself of responsibility. I'd stepped over the boundaries this time, for sure. But if something seemed wrong to me, I had to fix it. It wasn't busybody interfering but a need to put things right.
When Crow finally got to the lobby, I looked up and smiled. If he smiled back, I'd run to his arms. It didn't even need to be a big smile. A tiny grin would do. Hope burned strong within me. After all, we had something special. We just needed to work on things.
But Crow didn't even look at me. He stood to the side, well away from me, until the van arrived.
Hope died inside me. A black nothingness replaced it. I tried to look like I didn't care, but I didn't have a face that hid my emotions. Polly gave me a couple of searching glances, but I ignored them. I couldn't even talk. It took all my effort not to cry. I'd worked so hard to get us together, and it'd all crumpled.
We jumped into the van, and I made a move to sit next to Crow. If I did that, he'd have to talk to me. But maybe he wouldn't. I couldn't handle seeing him look at me that way again. I hesitated in the doorway. Sit with Crow or sit alone?
"What are you doing?" Jax asked, giving me a push.
Jeez, it was hard, being forced together like this when Crow was so angry with me. I jumped into the empty seat, and Jax sat beside me. I couldn't even see Crow without glancing around, and I refused to do that.
The Freaks went straight up to do their run-though. While they did that, Polly took me aside.
"I'm not going to ask what's going on between you and Crow," she said. "If you want to talk about it, I'm here, but I'm not going to push you. But no matter how you feel, you can't show it when you get up on that stage. You know that, right? People have paid a lot of money to be here. They're super-excited to see their favorite bands. Not only that, there'll be a bunch of new fans who saw that interview. They want to see us, and they want to us rock. You can't let them down."
I nodded slowly. "I know."
I wasn't sure how I'd do that, but I would, even if it killed me inside. It seemed deceitful to hide my feelings away like that, but even worse to show them to thousands of people. If I went to see a band myself, I'd want to know they were on top of their game.
I waited for Polly to say more about how she'd known this would happen when I started dating Crow. That this was the very thing she'd worried about. There was so much she could say, but she left it at that.
"Thanks, Polly," I said.
She nodded without asking me what I thanked her for. I practiced putting on a smile. I checked the mirror. It might look sincere from a distance. I tried to bring my energy levels up. I'd be so much happier curled up in bed with a mountain of chocolate, but that was impossible. Not so long ago, I'd been bragging about how I was made for this life. Well, now was the time to prove that. I'd get up there and shine, no matter what. Anyone could shine when they were in the sun, but I had to shine in the darkness as well.
Before we got onstage, my stomach quivered. I knew what I had to do; I just wasn't sure I had it in me to do it. I walked out there, though, to the cheers and the energy. I gulped, then I put up a wall in my mind. My personal issues and my sadness could stay behind that wall for a while. There was only me and these people. That was the relationship I had to worry about while I was on that stage.
A few times while we were playing, I glanced to the side, not wanting to search for Crow but not able to help myself. Of course, he never appeared. And every time I did it, the knife twisted in my heart. I couldn't even pause when that pain hit. Pain was for the weak, though. I had no time for pain when I was in front of all these people. Instead, I bent down to the cameraman squatting on the stage, giving him a cheeky smile and a wink that got beamed up to the screens surrounding the place.
Every time I did that, the arena filled with screams and hoots. Okay, maybe I flashed a bit of boob leaning down like that, too. But all those screams fed me. They took away the pain for a little while.
We got through the set. I might've been a bit less energetic than usual, but I did it. I tried to scream, and I tried to joke. I might've even gone overboard on the sexy stuff to compensate.
"Well done," Polly said as we walked off. "You proved yourself tonight."
Her words were a glimmer in the darkness of my heart. That had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but I'd done it. I walked off that stage knowing I hadn't let myself down, and I hadn't let the fans down. I'd salvaged something from this mess.
The Freaks were still playing their set when I went back to the hotel. Even though my heart screamed to stick around and try to make things
up with Crow, I had to get out of there.
But, when I got back to my room, there was nothing but emptiness. I turned on the television, but it annoyed me, so I turned it off again. Then I got on my phone, but that annoyed me too. I had so many photos of Crow and me together.
I tried reading, and I tried sleeping. Nothing worked. I rang room service and ordered a big parfait, but when it arrived, I couldn't face eating it. I left it sitting until the ice cream had melted and it all became a big, sloppy mess. Much like my life.
Eventually, I heard the others return. I sat in the armchair by the window for a long time, hoping that Crow would knock on my door. He'd come to me. He'd tell me he forgave me, and things would be right between us. But would he? If he could let his sister walk away and not once in ten years try to contact her, would he bother to fix things with me?
When he'd told me that story, my heart had ached for him, but I'd missed the underlying message: he wasn't a man who forgave. But forgiveness was the only thing I wanted.
Fay
I WASN'T SURE IF CROW would answer the knock on his door. He'd know it was me. Maybe he'd pretend he didn't hear it. I'd fought so hard to keep away from him, but my heart took me to his door even while my brain protested.
I jumped from foot to foot as I waited, unable to keep still. I wouldn't knock again. I didn't want everyone on the tour to think I was crawling back to him. I had my pride. But, damn it, I needed to talk to him.
Just when I'd almost given up, he opened the door.
"We need to talk," I said.
He shook his head. "Go back to bed, Fay," he said, as though I was a tiresome child.
The way he said that made something stir inside me. My sadness and disappointment turned to anger. Maybe I'd done the wrong thing, but he didn't have to be like this. Elijah was right. He had to accept me as I was, or we had nothing at all. But Crow had no acceptance to offer.
I pushed past Crow into his room. The things I had to say weren't things you said in a hotel hallway, and he obviously wasn't going to invite me in. Even though he'd opened the door to me, he wasn't willing to talk, but I wouldn't be shut up.
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