"Haven't you interfered enough?" he asked.
"No, I haven't," I said. I wanted to put my arms around him, but this wasn't the Crow that I hugged. He was almost a stranger. The twinkle in his eyes had died. I wasn't sure what to do, so I stood in the middle of the room, my hands clenched tight. I put my chin up. I'd say my piece, then leave, knowing I could do no more.
He stood there too, as though he was waiting for me to leave.
"I haven't interfered nearly enough, because there are things you need to hear. You shut people out. You shut everyone out. You're been in this band with Damo and Lij for years, and they still only know you on a surface level. You don't let anyone close to you. I thought maybe I'd be the one, but nope."
He didn't reply, but he hadn't kicked me out. Yet.
I wanted to my words to reach him, to change his heart, but I wasn't sure how to do that. Fear started to override me, then I thought of Cindy. All I knew was that, somewhere in this city, a girl wanted to be reunited with her big brother. Maybe she was wide awake right now, too. Waiting for him to contact her.
"Won't you get in touch with Cindy?" I asked him. "Just talk to her."
"Leave it," he said.
I might be in his room, standing right in front of him, but he didn't look at me. I wanted to move around so he had to look at me, but I didn't want him to kick me out before I'd finished.
"I was going to apologize again," I said. "But I'm not sorry. Maybe I did things the wrong way about, but you need to see her."
I took a deep breath. My pulse raced. Rather than repairing things, I might destroy them forever by pushing this, but that was what I did. I pushed. I couldn't push Crow to love, and I couldn't push him to forgive me, but for Cindy's sake, I had to make him give her a chance.
"It's not going to happen, Fay. It's too late."
"Your sister obviously wants to repair things. She was fourteen the last time you saw her. Are you going to punish her for a decision she made when she was that young? I might've butted in, but I did it for you. You're never going to heal your past unless you talk to her."
He still didn't respond. He stared at the wall behind me. My heart raced faster, but I had to go on. My skin prickled and my mouth had become so dry, I wonder if talking was even possible.
"So, talk to your sister or let her leave your life forever. But you'll regret it if you don't take this chance. She's your family, your only family."
Crow still didn't move. He didn't speak, and he didn't look at me. I could've been talking to a statue. I gulped but continued on. There was something else I needed to say, and I had to say it while I had the courage.
"And another thing." I put my hands on my hips. "I'm sick of chasing after you. For a relationship to work, it takes two people. Not one person doing all the running and the other person standing still. I don't know what you want, and I'm pretty sure you don't know what you want, either. You want me, but if you really want me, you have to make the next move. After I walk out that door, I won't come back, not until you drag me. I'll walk miles to be with you, but you at least have to take a step in my direction too."
I turned to leave, then I remembered something. I unfastened the necklace I wore and set it on his dresser.
"I love you, Crow, even if you can't accept my love. I know I overstepped, but I think you're using that as an excuse to avoid having to get too invested. Give that back to me when it means something."
Then I grabbed a pen and wrote down his sister's details on the notepad on the desk.
"This is Cindy's number. If you decide maybe you'll think about her for a minute instead of yourself, give her a call. But time's running out."
It was only after I'd left his room that I realized he'd barely said a word the whole time. That just made me angrier. He should have had something to say. I kicked the door in my room. I punched it too, but that just hurt my fist. I'd never sleep now. I'd be up all night fuming, and fuming alone in my hotel made me feel worse.
I wondered if Jax was still up. I phoned him to check.
"Hey," he said.
Okay, he'd been asleep. I'd woken him; I could tell from his voice.
"Jax, let's go out and get hammered," I said.
"Ah... Umm... okay. I'll just be a minute."
That might not be the smartest plan in the world, but it beat the hell out of pacing my room for hours.
We headed to a tiny, dark bar and ordered shots.
"Here's to the heartbroken," he said.
"I'm not heartbroken. I'm recovering."
He laughed. "You're slap-bang in the middle of heartbreak. You have the reek of heartbreak coming off you in fumes. Don't deny it, Fay. The only way out is through."
He was probably right about that, but right now, I wanted to numb all the hurt inside me. I'd thought I had something wonderful, but it'd been a stupid illusion. I had to move on. I had to drink more, and then I had to dance, because brokenhearted Fay had no place in my life.
Fay
MY HEAD HAD POUNDED all day. Going out drinking with Jax had seemed like a great idea at the time, and the first couple of hours had been fun. Then I'd gotten maudlin, and I think I cried at one point. I'd been a nightmare, and I owed Jax big time for putting up with me. And this morning, nothing had changed. I felt worse, not better. Drinking was no solution.
The solution was staying in bed for as long as I could. If I slept, my head didn't hurt, and my heart didn't hurt, either.
At some point, I'd have to call Crow's sister and explain things. That would be the worst. I'd not only made a mess of my own life, I'd dragged her into things as well. Even though I'd rather tell her sooner than later, I held on to some hope. He might make an attempt to contact her on his own. If he could swallow his stubborn pride, that was.
Eventually, I had to get out of bed. I showered and I dressed. We only had two more nights here in Paris. And even then, the tour didn't stop. More cities and more shows. I had to get used to it, but hell, it hurt.
I'd survived the show last night, but I hadn't been thinking it was just one of many. I had to put on that facade night after night.
I jumped into the elevator to go downstairs, but someone got in at the last moment. Crow. I sucked in my breath, and he started. Then we looked away from each other. I moved to get out and use the stairs instead, but the doors shut and the mechanism whirred into action. Instead, I stared ahead at the crack between those doors. I wouldn't speak first.
This close, I could smell him, and that smell betrayed me. That was the smell of comfort and of love. Of being close to someone. My hands itched to reach for him, and my eyes strained to look at him, but that was no longer allowed. I had to be with him in this confined space and act like he was a stranger.
Could the damn elevator move any slower?
He stood in the corner, his body ramrod straight, as though he wanted to take up as little space as possible.
I sank my teeth into my lip and dug my nails into my palms, those small sensations calming the bigger mess going on inside me.
And not once on the whole ride down did he look at me or make a move to acknowledge I existed.
Maybe I'd been wrong about this whole thing. Maybe he'd only pretended to care because I'd chased after him so intently. Now he was happy to have the whole thing over and done with.
But could that be true? That glimmer in his eyes when we laughed together--he couldn't fake that. The kisses, the touches. But then, he'd never made a move to have to sex with me. Could he have only ever wanted to be friends? The thought that I'd railroaded him into more than that made me blush with a horrible, prickly heat.
Then, just as the doors started to open, he turned, and his gaze met mine. A mere half-second, but it threw me. It threw me hard. I didn't want this cold distance between us. I wanted to hurl myself into his arms. This coldness went against everything in my nature. The only place in this world for me was with Crow. My heart belonged to him as surely as if he stamped his name on it.
; Before I could act, he walked out of the elevator, and I came to my senses. Of course my place was beside him, but only if we worked all of this out. We couldn't be together when he closed himself off so completely. Forcing that would only make trouble in the long run. I had to stand by what I'd said. If Crow wanted me, he had to come to me himself.
That thought made me want to weep.
Polly waited for me in the lobby, and she kept up a stream of chatter about plans for Wreckage. I was pretty sure she was only doing it to keep my mind off Crow, and for a while, it worked.
Just before we got in the van, I was sure Crow looked at me again. I had that prickly feeling on the back of my neck. It took all of my willpower not to turn around and look back at him. Again, I balled my hands with my nails pressing into my palms. If that's that was what it took to keep me strong, I'd keep doing it.
For the first time ever, I didn't look forward to getting onstage. I didn't want to be in the limelight. I wished tonight was already over so I could crawl back into my bed. Life had become too hard.
Fay
THE NEXT DAY, I DECIDED I had to face up to facts. Crow couldn't meet with his sister, and I needed to tell her. She deserved that much. I also needed to apologize for my own stupidity. I'd misled her into thinking he wanted a reconciliation, and that was the worst thing I could've done.
I rang her and arranged to meet her in the early afternoon.
"There's a cafe downstairs," she said. "I'll meet you there."
I turned up early, my mind all over the place. This would be one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I hope she took it okay. I would never interfere like this again. Never.
It was one of those chintzy hotel cafes, all fancy china and teapots. The kind of place where I was scared I'd brush against something and break it.
As soon as she walked into the cafe, I recognized her. She had the same eyes as Crow, the same black hair. Even the way she walked was similar to him.
I caught her eye and waved. When she sat down, I wasn't sure how to start.
"I really have to apologize," I said. "I think I've made a big mistake."
She nodded.
The fancy waiters came over and took our order. I wasn't sure what I wanted. This wasn't a time to eat. I just asked for a coffee. She ordered tea.
"He doesn't want to see me," she said. "I wondered."
I picked up the salt shaker and twirled it in my hand. "He misses you," I said. "I think he wants to see you, but he's too proud and too shut off."
I kept twirling that salt shaker, not looking up. Too cowardly to face the disappointment I'd see in her eyes.
"It was all a mess," she said. "I wasn't thinking straight at the time, and by the time I realized what was happening, I'd been taken away to live with relatives. For a long time, I was angry, but then the anger faded. By then, it was too late. Crow had disappeared. I tried contacting some of his old friends, but no one knew how to reach him. I guess I could've tried harder, but I didn't want to face that he might not want to ever speak to me again."
The waiter arrived with our drinks. Cindy took the teapot by the handle and began rotating it in small circles.
"Of course I've followed his career," she said. "But that just made it more difficult to get in touch. He made himself inaccessible. But I had to come here if there was even a tiny chance he'd forgiven me."
She sighed.
I wanted to say something to make it right, but there was nothing. He was unrelenting. I wasn't sure if he'd give either of us a chance. That made me sad, not just for us but for him too, holding all that hurt inside.
Cindy kept swirling that teapot. I looked at my coffee but had no interest in drinking it.
"He's hurting," I said. "He keeps it all inside."
She nodded. "I think for a long time, I did too. I wanted to believe everything was okay, but we'd lived through hell. Our father wasn't a good man."
I nodded.
"He told you? I wasn't sure how much you knew. He never told anyone, ever. A few times, at school, we got sent to speak to people, counsellors and the like. The teachers suspected things weren't right at home. But Crow pushed away their help. He said we'd deal with things on our own. And then..."
"He told me everything."
"The two of you must be close."
"We were."
I thought we had been. But I'd been wrong, or he'd never have pushed me away so easily. He'd shaken my confidence.
"I wanted to help. That's why I got in touch with you. But I did the wrong thing." I kept staring at that coffee. "He hates me now."
"He doesn't hate you. He just has his own ways of coping, and those ways hurt people."
I wanted to ask her so much. Questions about their childhood and what Crow had been like, but I didn't want to drag up painful memories for her. I'd drink my coffee and leave.
"I feel awful," I said. "You came all this way for nothing."
"That was my decision, though. I'm glad you messaged me. At least now I know he has people around him who care. Please, don't let him push you away. Even if he seems cold or closed off, don't let him. He needs people, although he'd never admit it."
I smiled because I wasn't sure what to say. I could stay close to him, but I couldn't do any more than that. I wasn't sure how much I could take of him pushing me away, either.
"Are you going home soon?" I asked.
"Tomorrow," she said. "I have to get back to work."
She poured her tea. Suddenly, she looked up. I followed her gaze.
Crow had walked into the cafe. He looked around as though he was searching for someone. Was he here to see Cindy? He had to be.
"Maybe I should leave," I said. "I don't want to intrude."
But Crow walked over to our table and sat down before I had a chance to leave.
Fay
"WE NEED TO TALK," HE said.
"I'm just about to go," I said. "I'll give the two of you some time alone." I stood up and grabbed my bag.
"No. Stay," he said.
This just got awkward. The three of us sat at the table, no one saying a word. The clink of china and the conversations carried on around us, but at this table, it was like life had stopped. I wanted to say something to break that tension, but what could I say?
The waiter came back to take Crow's order.
"Nothing for me," he said.
That seemed to break the spell over us. I needed to force things into motion.
"You have something to say," I said to Crow when the waiter had moved off. "You came here to say it, so say it."
He stared at his hands. The noise around us seemed to get louder. Finally, he looked up.
"I'm sorry," he said to Cindy. "I'm sorry for everything."
"I'm sorry, too," she said. "They were hard times. Everything was so confused. I didn't understand things then, but I know now that everything you did, you did to protect me."
He nodded. "Still, I did wrong."
I wanted to reach out and hold him, but he needed to work through this himself. I wasn't even sure I had the right to touch him any longer.
"You didn't do wrong," Cindy said. "We'd been abandoned. There seemed to be no way out, then you saw a way, and you took it. That wasn't wrong. It was an incredibly tough decision."
Cindy took a gulp of her tea. I picked up my glass of water. I wasn't sure where to go from here.
Crow asked Cindy about her life. I relaxed a little, feeling like we were on steadier ground, but they really needed to be alone.
"I'm working as a personal assistant. It's a great job. Not nearly as exciting as the rock star life, but I like it."
Crow smiled. "Boyfriend?"
She shook her head, but in a way that suggested there was someone in her life. Maybe not officially yet.
"And you?" she asked.
"Drummer. Rock star."
"Girlfriend?" she asked, giving me a quick grin.
My heart froze up. How would he answer? Was I still his girlfriend? Or was I a
n ex now? Did he even want to salvage things?
He looked up. "I had the most amazing woman in the world, but I'm not sure if I've screwed things up beyond redemption with her."
I blinked away the tears that came to my eyes and reached out for his hand. That was all I wanted, an opening, a chance to make this work.
"You're not beyond redemption," I said. "Never."
Crow didn't look at me, but he squeezed my hand tight. My heart soared. Maybe things could be right between us. The gap that had grown between us could be bridged. Crow had taken the first step.
I let go of his hand. "I'm going to go back to the hotel," I said. "You two really do need some time alone to sort things out, but after you've finished talking, if you want to see me, I'll be in my room."
Crow smiled at me. "I'll come with you."
"Nope. You've only got a short time with Cindy. We have all the time we need."
I walked out and went back to the hotel with hope growing in my heart. He'd said I was the most amazing woman in the world. All my doubts had been for nothing. We'd work this out. Now that he'd made the first move, every move we made from here on out would be together.
I ran into Elijah on the way back to my room.
"You look happier than you have in a long time, Firecracker," he said. "Anything I should know about?"
"Yes, I do look happy, and no, it isn't something you should know about."
"Oh, I'll find out. You can't keep quiet."
He might be right about that, but this thing was way too new and tender to discuss with Elijah. I didn't want to discuss it with anyone. I wanted to hold it, examine it.
I got to my room and paced around. I tidied things that didn't need tidying. I fussed with my hair and my face. Even though I'd wanted to give Cindy and Crow time alone, I wished that he had come back with me. This waiting drove me insane. We didn't have long until we had to go to the arena. I wanted things clear and certain, and we needed to talk for that to happen.
Then he knocked at my door. I knew his knock without even answering it. Polly bashed and the others banged, but Crow had a quiet knock. Like he didn't want to intrude but was sure I'd answer anyway.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 72
