“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Hi, Mommy.”
I crouch next to her, pushing her brown hair, which is the same color as mine, back. “I want you to go play outside or stay in your room, okay?”
Her green eyes assess me, weighing what no seven-year-old should ever have to think about. “Is Daddy angry again?”
I nod. “He is, so I want you to stay out of his sight, okay?”
Disappointment flashes across her face, and I feel it in my soul. I’m letting her down. I’m failing my daughter in every way. If my mother and father were alive to see me, they’d weep. I’m not the girl they raised me to be, but I’m trying.
“Okay, Mommy. I won’t bother him.”
When did I become this woman?
When did I decide that it was okay for a man to treat me so? Was it when I married him, hoping I could love him enough to change him? Was it because my parents were killed the week before the wedding, and I was desperate for security? Was it when I found out I was pregnant a month after our marriage? Is this my punishment for lying for years about Hadley, suspecting that she isn’t Kevin’s daughter?
The wave of guilt is so intense that I worry I’ll drown in it.
Before Connor reappeared a week ago, it was an easy decision. I was married to Kevin. I wanted Hadley to be our child because, in some part of my heart, I loved him and believed it was God’s way of forgiving me for that. I thought that, if we had a baby, it would be okay. He would change because of this beautiful life that was growing inside me.
And, for a while, he did. It was as though the guy I started dating in college was back.
He was kinder, more attentive, and I had so much hope brimming inside me I couldn’t breathe.
But a leopard doesn’t change its spots. The man, who I saw only glimpses of in the beginning, stopped hiding years ago, and I am going to be strong enough to get away.
Hadley packs up her things and then heads to the back door. “Can I see if Connor is home?”
I can’t take much more. “No, honey. Connor is a grown-up and he’ll probably be busy.”
“He said I could go to the tree house anytime.”
I’m not sure what tree house she’s talking about, but she seems very excited by this. “Hadley, you hurt your arm a week ago . . . you can’t be running around like that.”
“It doesn’t hurt and I won’t climb it.”
I don’t believe her, but at the same time, I can’t keep arguing with her or Kevin will get mad.
Damn it.
“Okay, where is this tree house?”
She smiles. “On his land.”
I guess I asked for that. She’s too smart for her own good.
I look at my little girl just a little closer. Her eyes are the same color as his. I’ve always thought that she had Kevin’s face and that her eyes must’ve been like someone in my family or his. But when I saw him, saw his eyes, it was as if the universe were reminding me that I never really knew. Hadley could be Connor’s.
Hadley presses her hands to my cheeks. “I like Connor. He was strong and carried me. Plus, he didn’t yell when he found me like I thought he would.”
No, he didn’t yell like her father would’ve. “Hadley, how did you hurt your arm? The whole story, sweetheart. You won’t be in any trouble as long as you tell the truth.”
She looks away, a deep breath escaping her lips. “I fell. I wasn’t supposed to be out by the barn. I told Daddy I wouldn’t climb up into the loft, but I wanted to see what the cows were doing. I went up there, and when I heard Daddy, I knew I would be in big trouble, and I didn’t want to make him mad again. So, I jumped out, but fell on my arm and then ran. I knew he’d be upset. He’s always mad.”
I fight back the tears and give her a small smile. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know he’s tired.”
And an asshole. And selfish. And mean. And angry at the world. And taking it all out on me.
Instead of telling what feels like my only friend, who absolutely should never hear it, I bob my head. “Why don’t you run out back?”
She gets up from the table and slips out back to the tree outside.
Sitting under the branches of the oak tree, in the shade while little rays of light fall around her, is one of her favorite places. She looks so peaceful there, as though the ugly parts of the world haven’t yet tarnished her youth. I’ve tried, Lord knows I have, to give her normalcy and love, but when it comes to Kevin, it’s given only when he deems we’ve earned it.
I wonder what it would’ve been like had I not been drowning in grief. Would I have found someone else? Would I have not married Kevin? Would Hadley and I be on another farm, with another man who carried her when she was scared?
No, I can’t do this. I can’t go down a road that isn’t open to me.
I shake my head and focus on getting Kevin food so my reality doesn’t become a nightmare again.
I carefully make sure that I’m adding the right things and ensure I don’t put too much mayonnaise on it. That set him off once.
“Ellie!” Kevin bellows.
I close my eyes, pray I did it right, and then grab the sandwich, chips, and a pickle sliced in quarters before heading back to the living room.
“Here, honey,” I say with soft lightness to my voice. I’ve learned that the sweeter I approach him, the less venom he spits back. “If you’d like something else . . .”
“This is fine.”
I release a heavy sigh internally and then sit beside him. Maybe today won’t be bad and we’ll pass the time like most days. Kevin isn’t always mean, which is what kept me completely complacent for a while. It started gradually, leaving me wondering if I was imagining things.
Then it was like a snowball, finding strength and growing in size the longer it rolled, until it got so large that it crushed anyone in its path. Most of all—me.
It’s days like this that are the scariest. When I’m unsure if I’m going to have the husband I once wanted or the man who haunts my dreams.
Do I talk? Do I wait? I walk on eggshells, afraid of choosing either one.
Kevin takes a bite, and I steel myself, hoping I step the right way. “I saw the barn door is repaired.”
He grunts.
“It looks great.”
“It took me hours to get it to hang correctly. My uncle was an idiot who didn’t know his ass from his elbow. He didn’t use the right hinges, so I’m surprised it didn’t fall sooner.”
His uncle and aunt were wonderful people who he inherited the farm from after they passed. Without them, we would have even less than we have now. Not that this is what I ever wanted. I had dreams. Ones that included me living back in upstate New York, working on a vineyard. That’s why I was attending Penn State for business.
But then everything changed.
My parents were killed right around the time Kevin inherited the farm and . . . here I am.
I’m grateful for the farm, though, it gives us income and stability. Not to mention it’s fully paid off, so we didn’t inherit any debt with it. Of course, I don’t see a penny of what we make because Kevin has disallowed me access to anything.
I have no idea how wealthy or poor we are. It’s another way for him to control me.
But I have my own income now.
Kevin has no idea that I’m being paid as a full-time teacher. He believes I’m volunteering, and I need to keep it that way. About six months ago, I opened a bank account in Hadley’s name.
“I’m glad you fixed it, though. I’m sure it’ll help with keeping the equipment safe.”
Kevin nods. “Especially now that old man Arrowood is dead. I heard his asshole sons are back. It’s all the farmhands could talk about. Like I pay them to gossip all day.”
“I’m sure that was frustrating. You deal with the workers so much better than I ever could.” I go for empathy and flattery. The more I let him think I’m on his side, the more likely it is that his temper will hold.
>
He drops his sandwich and drains the glass sitting beside him. Then he turns to me, his eyes boring into mine, and I see that it didn’t work.
“Are you mocking me?”
“Kevin, stop. You’re looking for something that isn’t there.”
His jaw clenches. “I’m tired of feeling judged by everyone.”
“I’m not judging you, I’m complimenting you. There’s a difference. I don’t want to fight today, so please don’t turn this into one.”
I’ve never been more grateful that Hadley was outside. If this escalates, at least she won’t see it.
The thing is, Kevin is always careful of where he strikes, careful not to leave marks where people will see them. And there are always marks, even if they’re not visible on the outside.
He only makes mistakes when he’s too drunk to care, and that isn’t this time.
Kevin’s eyes close, and I start to speak again. “I was being kind, and I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. You’re my husband, and I’m allowed to say nice things to you. You work hard, you provide for this family.”
“I’m not good enough for you, Ellie.”
We both know that’s true.
“Don’t say that. It’s me who isn’t good enough,” I lie. I have to.
His lids lift, and I see a sad, scared man beneath it all.
This is what used to get to me. The way he would be so apologetic, so humbled, that I forgave him. I didn’t understand, but I smiled and allowed him to keep treating me awfully. Kevin is my husband, he was supposed to be my protector, my world, and I’d wanted that more than anything.
I was so naïve and hopeful and in need of love that I accepted whatever form it came in.
“Don’t leave me, baby.”
I choke down all the words I want to say, the anger that lives inside me, and I act. Not for my own safety but for the little girl outside who will hear through the too-thin walls if his voice rises.
My hands lift so I’m cupping his cheeks, and I stare into the eyes of a man I’ve come to fear and resent. “Never.”
“Good, because I would die, Ells. I would die if you were gone and you took my baby girl with you. I would be nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I know I’m fucked up, but it’s because I love you so damn much. If you weren’t so perfect, I wouldn’t be trying so hard. God, you’re my world.”
As his forehead drops to mine, the smell of vodka fills my nose as he breathes out and I thank God that, tonight, I get sad and sorry Kevin. Not hateful and raging.
I love my classroom. It’s my happy place. I’ve decorated the room this month in all Shakespearean things. There are quotes, photos, a fake dagger, a vial of water, and other items that I tried to get that would interest the boys. Then there are the kids who are wonderful, mostly because the teacher I replaced was a horrible woman. I don’t think she liked her job, the kids, the school, herself . . . it was bad. And so, I get to reap the benefits.
I’m at my desk going over the play we’re about to study when I hear a knock.
“Hello, Ellie, you look lovely today,” Mrs. Symonds, the principal, says as she stands at the door.
“Thank you. I’m excited about the new material we’re starting today.”
I also wanted to feel good. The last week has been calm, and I’ve needed calm. Kevin has been working extra hard because there’s been some kind of spike in something and he’s pleased with it, so home has been quiet.
Hadley hasn’t had any more falls, and her arm is doing well, and every bruise on my body has faded without any new ones appearing.
Not to mention my bank account grew a little more with my direct deposit today, which means I’m that much closer to being free.
There’s a reason to smile and feel lovely.
“What is it that you’re teaching today?”
“Romeo and Juliet,” I say with a smile. It’s one of my favorite pieces of literature. In some way, I think that all love is star-crossed. There’s a barrier that each human has to overcome in order to share their heart or at least their life with another person. As much as I love a good happily ever after, in life, that’s not always possible.
“Ahh, the great Shakespeare. I’ve always been more of a Bronte or Austen girl myself.”
I grin. “Me too, but this one is definitely fun to teach.”
“I agree.”
Mrs. Symonds is a wonderful principal. She’s fair, laughs with the kids, and has a firm hand. I also think she’s part witch or magician since she seems to have eyes everywhere. Nothing gets by her, and though the kids seem to think they’re getting away with something, it’s never the case.
All of us hear and watch, share information, and intervene whenever it’s necessary.
“So, how are you settling in here?”
“I love it. The kids are wonderful and seem to be excited about learning.”
She nods. “That’s great to hear. I know Mrs. Williams departing was a bit sudden, but she was an asset to us here. Sure, her attitude was a bit gruff, and she was a stickler when it came to grammar and demanded a lot of her students, but we are a close bunch.”
Mrs. Williams was a pain in the ass according to everyone.
“She definitely made an impression.”
“How have you been getting along with the other teachers?”
I’m not sure where she’s going with this. Paranoia starts to build and I give a hesitant smile. “They’re really nice.”
She eyes me curiously. “Really? I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to eat with them during your lunch, did anything happen?”
And apparently, her eyes are on her staff as well.
“No, no, nothing like that all. Everything is great.”
Other than I’ve been isolating myself to keep people from seeing things and gossiping. This town is small. It’s bad enough I have a hundred students I have to conceal my life from, I don’t need to add adults, who are far more perceptive, to the mix.
It helps that Kevin isn’t exactly a beloved member of the community. Hell, he isn’t even a part of it at all. He stays on our land, never attending a meeting or fair. He doesn’t go shopping, and only had one friend, Nate, but even they don’t talk anymore. He prefers it that way and likes to keep me as close to that life as possible. Over the years, people have assumed that I’m as standoffish as he is and have stopped really trying to get to know me.
She steps closer, her smile is warm, and she reminds me of my mother for a moment. It comes across that it’s how she feels toward her teachers and the students. A sort of second mother who wants to protect those she loves. “I know most of them get together and work on plans, I didn’t know if there was a reason that you’re not a part of it . . .”
“It’s just my schedule. Once I’m done here, I grab Hadley, and we get back to help on the farm.”
Mrs. Symonds watches me closely, taking in not only my words but also my body language. “I can understand, we have a farm as well, but you’ve been here for a few months now, and I want to be sure you’re settling in.”
“I really am settling in.”
She sits on the chair beside me, her hand extends to mine in a warm gesture. “You know, I’m always here to listen. I know it can be a big adjustment working full-time again. Plus, I know you’ve lived in Sugarloaf for a while, but you don’t seem to have a lot of friends. If you need one, I’m happy to listen.”
I now understand why people tell her things. For the first time in a long time, I want to pour my heart out. I want to rush into her arms and cry, but friends aren’t something I can afford. There is a time and commitment to the truth I don’t have the luxury of, but I can’t tell her that.
I give a soft smile. “I’m happy here, and I feel comfortable.”
“Okay, good.” And then the bell rings, alerting the staff that students will be filing in. “Well, that’s my cue. Just know that if you need anything, Ellie, I’m here. We’re a family, and there is always room for yo
u at the table.”
I want to cry, but I don’t. “Thank you, Sarah.”
“Anytime. Enjoy your tragedy.” My heart races for a moment, unsure of what she means, and then she tacks on. “You know . . . the play.”
“Oh! Duh. Yes. We definitely will.”
When she leaves, I turn and release a heavy sigh, all the while wondering if anyone in this town believes my lies.
Chapter Six
Connor
“So, you’re going back to Sugarloaf?” Quinn, another SEAL I served with, asks.
“I’m going to hell.”
Liam chuckles and lifts his beer. “I’ll meet you there, buddy. Hell, we all will.”
Today, I’m officially out of the navy and heading back to serve my six-month sentence in Pennsyl-fucking-vania. It’s been two weeks since I signed my discharge papers, and there’s a part of me that is anxious to go back.
A part of me that has found something I thought I’d never see again.
Quinn nods. “It could be worse.”
“Yeah, how?” I ask.
“You could be in love with a girl who wants nothing to do with you.”
Ellie’s face flashes in my mind because she most definitely doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t even be a little excited about her being there or finally knowing who she is because she’s married. So, no, it couldn’t be worse.
He continues. “Not that I know what that’s like since I’m very happy at this time.”
Liam watches me and smirks. “Oh, I think he is in love with a girl who wants nothing to do with him. What’s her name, Arrow? Angel?”
“Fuck you.”
Quinn’s eyes light up. “Really? How come I’ve never heard of this angel?”
Because I only ever allowed her in my dreams.
Because I knew that if she was within reach, I would be tormented.
Because you two are idiots who like to use knowledge to make your stupid jokes and not understand what that night was for me.
“Both of you can suck my dick.”
As much as these two drive me nuts, I’m going to miss this. The brotherhood, the camaraderie that only a team like ours builds. I would die for these two and any other SEAL. We live by a code, one that reminds me of how it is with my own brothers.
Come Back for Me Page 4
