I want to gasp at the insult, but I hold it back. Kevin isn’t usually this rude in front of other people. He likes for everyone to think he’s wonderful. Or at least he did for a while.
Connor chuckles as though it doesn’t bother him. “I’m sure I will, Kevin. Anyway, I should get back to work. I’ll see you around.”
“Thanks for bringing Hadley home,” I say as he turns.
Kevin’s hand clutches my side, and I wince, the sound of sucking in air through my teeth seems a hundred times louder than it is.
Connor’s brow furrows as his attention moves to where Kevin’s fingers are on the bruise he left the other day that’s hidden under my dress.
“No problem,” he says in an easy voice. His eyes, however, are tinted with a calculated knowing that makes me uneasy. “I’ll be around if you need anything.”
“We’re fine, but thanks.”
And with that, Kevin turns us, and I let him lead me back into the house. As we ascend the steps, I fight the urge to run away from my husband. He’s angry, and there won’t be any of the kindness I hoped for.
The door slams, and he starts to pace. I watch the clock tick as my mind goes through a million scenarios, all of them center around ways to cope with his inevitable loss of control.
He stops moving after almost five minutes, his eyes on me. “Did you sleep with him?”
My heart sputters, and my mouth gapes open. Of all the things that I thought, this was not one of them. “What?”
“You heard me, Ellie! Don’t fucking play games with me.”
I have no idea how to answer this. Does he know? Did he see Hadley has Connor’s eyes? Or am I making it up because she has Kevin’s nose? All of this is crazy. I have no idea if he’s asking if I slept with Connor eight years ago or if I slept with him yesterday.
“No! I didn’t sleep with him!” I scream and turn as though he’s wounded me. Really, I do it so he won’t see any lies in my face. “How could you ask me that?”
“I saw that way he looked at you! Like he knows you. Like he’s had what’s mine.”
I shake my head and spin back to face Kevin. “You’re accusing me of cheating on you because of how a stranger looked at me?”
He shakes his head. “I saw it.”
“You want to see it, Kevin. How could I have slept with him when I’ve never met him before? How could I do that to us when he told you himself that he just got here! How?”
I hold on to the idea that he’s not smart enough to go back to before we were married.
“I don’t know, but . . . I swear to God!” Kevin steps forward, his hands squeezing my arms in the same spot the old bruises faded a few days ago. “If you even look at him again, Ellie. I won’t be able to stop myself. If you hurt me . . .”
Tears I fought back fall. Not just from the emotional pain I’ve endured but also because he’s breaking me. “You’re hurting me, Kevin. You hurt me each time you do this.”
His grip is so hard that I know I’ll bruise even worse. “You will never leave me. Do you understand? I’ll not be responsible. I’ll . . . I’ll . . .”
“You’ll what?”
His fingers tighten first and then release. “I’m trying to hold on to you!”
“By hitting me? Kicking me? Telling me I’m worthless? Threatening me?” I ask with an unamused laugh. “You think that doing this is going to make us better?”
I watch the agony flash across his face. Sometimes, my tears, pain, and guilt work. There are times when he sees the man he’s become and we go through a period of bliss. But that is always short-lived, and then the next time he’s angry, it’s almost as if I pay tenfold.
I don’t want the bliss this time.
The false life is almost worse because I know it’s going to end.
He steps forward, his eyes fill with rage and he slaps me across the face. “You think talking back to me makes it better?”
My fingers touch the spot he hit, eyes filling with tears. “Why do you do this?”
His face is close, teeth clenched. “Because you’re mine. You and Hadley are all I have, and I won’t fucking lose you.”
A tear falls down my face. “You’re killing me, Kevin. You’re killing me each time you hit me or grab me or tell me what a horrible wife I am. I’m breaking, and it’s by your hands.”
“My hands? What about your hands? You’re the one with another man.”
I can’t take this. “I’ve been with you since I was seventeen! When do you think I had time or any desire for someone else? I loved you so much! I married you, raised our daughter together, and taken hit after hit from you.”
Kevin looks as though I’ve slapped him. His eyes are filled with pain, and I take a step toward him. I don’t know why there is an urge to comfort him. Maybe it’s because I’ve trained myself to do it. Maybe it’s because, somewhere deep inside me, I love him when I know I shouldn’t.
“You make me crazy, Ellie. You have no idea how much I love you. I would do anything for you. It’s just . . . when I see you like that, I see my life without you, and I can’t do it.”
“I don’t want to be like this,” I say as the words take on double meaning.
I don’t want to fight with him any more than I want to look in the mirror and see a sad, pathetic woman who allows him to beat on her. Hadley needs me to be more.
I need a little more time, and then I will get us out of here. If I work a bit more, I’ll have enough to find a house in a small town far enough away from here that he won’t look for us. Kevin would expect me to go back to New York, which is where my parents are from. He wouldn’t look for me south or west.
If I can save enough, I’ll make it work and give Hadley the life she deserves. I wanted more time, but I don’t think I can last that long.
Kevin steps closer, and I force my feet not to move. His hands gently cup my cheeks. “I love you, Ells. I love you, and I won’t ever hurt you again. I promise.”
I close my eyes and lean in as his lips touch my forehead.
Promises break. Bruises heal. But nothing erases the scars that abuse leaves.
Then his eyes meet mine and gone is the tender man with sweet promises. “But if you try to leave, Ellie. I’ll kill you both. And I’ll kill her first and make you watch what you’ve finally forced me to do.”
Chapter Eight
Ellie
I lie here, staring at the ceiling, waiting for his breathing to even out.
“If you try to leave, Ellie. I’ll kill you both.”
In all the years, Kevin has never threatened to kill me or ever hurt Hadley.
“If you try to leave, Ellie. I’ll kill you both.”
He will kill us. I have to go now. For Hadley. For me. For any chance of a life. I can’t wait any longer.
“If you try to leave, Ellie. I’ll kill you both.”
It doesn’t matter that I don’t have enough money hidden away or a plan. I have enough to get us out of here and on a bus to somewhere else. There’s no way I am keeping my daughter here another night. He’s crazy, jealous, and if that’s the threat I got after him meeting Connor once, I can’t imagine what would happen if he found out the truth.
My body is tingling with anxiety. I feel as though my nerves are being pulled so tight they’ll snap.
Kevin is a light sleeper. If he hears the car start, he’ll wake up, and my daughter and I will be dead. I’ll have to go completely on foot.
Hadley is going to slow me down a bit, but we’ll avoid walking on any main roads.
Please, God, if you were ever listening, I need you right now.
A snore tears through the silence, and it’s now or never.
I creep out of the bed, grab the dress I hid between the bed and the nightstand, and tug it over my head. When we were getting ready for bed, I stashed a bag in the tub and cracked the window in the bathroom so I could at least take a few things.
Once I’m inside the bathroom, I toss the bag outside and pray I can get ou
t of the room without being heard. That’ll be half the battle.
Ever so slowly, I creep out of the room. He shifts, and I freeze, praying he won’t open his eyes.
Another second passes, and he doesn’t, so I keep going.
That’s all that keeps going through my mind. I have to keep moving.
Hadley’s door is ajar, which was my doing because it makes the most noise.
I softly shake her, and my voice is barely audible as I urge, “Hadley, baby, wake up for Momma.”
Her little eyes open, and she darts up. “Momma?”
“Shh,” I say quickly, needing her to be as quiet as possible. “We have to go, sweetheart. I need you to make no noise, can you do that?”
She nods, and I smile softly. “Okay, get dressed and grab your blanket and bear.”
Hadley moves slowly, and I rush to get a few things of hers for us to take. My heart is racing, only the sounds of our breathing filling the air. After a few seconds, I take her hand in mine.
“What about Daddy?” Her voice is low, but I can hear the ache.
“We have to go, baby. No matter what, we have to get out of here, and we can’t wake Daddy. Do you trust me?”
Hadley’s eyes fill with tears, but she bobs her head.
Here is, once again, where I feel like the worst mother in the world. No child should have to sneak out of their home in the middle of the night like this. A house should be a safe place that makes everything bad in the world disappear when you enter the door. Instead, it’s been a place of yelling and bruises. But no more.
Never again will he hurt me, and he’ll have to kill me to get to Hadley.
“Okay, we need to be super quiet,” I whisper. “No matter what, we have to keep going once we’re out of the door, all right?”
Hadley wipes a tear and nods.
“That’s my big girl. If Daddy wakes up, I want you to run back to your room and close the door. Lock it if you can or put things in front of it. Just do not let anyone in but me, okay?”
I know I’m scaring her, but I don’t have time to debate and I don’t want her to hesitate. “I’m scared.”
“I’m sorry, but we have to go.”
“Will we come back?”
I shake my head and then place my fingers to her lips. It’s now or never.
I still don’t know if going out the back is the best way, but it’s really the only option. The front door is too close to where he sleeps, and I’m not going to have Hadley climb out the window alone. If we can get around the house undetected, we have a much better chance.
I pull her with me, watching each creak and noise that seems to be amplified in the total silence. We get to the door, and I pull slowly, there is no noise other than the sound of our breathing. We get outside, and I pull Hadley’s sweatshirt around her, zipping it up as I look in her face.
“Okay, we have to go.”
“Mommy?” Her big eyes are filled with so much fear.
“It’s okay. We have to go. I’m so sorry, Hadley. I know you love your daddy and this is hard, but we . . . we have to go.”
I wish I could tell her everything, but I can’t. It’s too much for this sweet girl with a huge heart to comprehend. One day, she’ll look back and see that I was doing what I felt was best—or maybe she’ll hate me forever. Either way, she’ll be alive to do it.
That’s all that matters.
I grab her hand and lead her to where I dropped my own bag out of the window. Once I have it securely next to hers over my shoulder, we walk quickly around the corner of the house. I can’t slow down, at least not until we’re away from the house.
Hadley practically runs beside me as we make our way past the car and farther down the drive.
And that’s when I hear it.
The sound of the wooden screen door slam against the side of the house.
He’s awake.
He’s here.
He’s going to kill me.
I feel it in my body, the awareness of everything around me. The way the air tastes of dew and moonlight. How the scent of cows and fresh-cut wood fill my nose. If he catches me, it’ll be the last time I ever breathe and smell.
I look down at my beautiful girl, fighting back any tears over the fact that I might never see her again. My sweet, bright light in my life. The only thing I’ve fought to live for.
“Run, Hadley,” I say breathlessly. “Run as far and as fast as you can. Run to someone who will protect you. Run and don’t look back at me. Don’t stop. Don’t listen to anything else, just run.”
“Mommy?”
I can feel Kevin bearing down on us. Hear his rapid footfalls getting closer. The only chance I have is to let him take me so she can run. He can’t go after both of us.
“Run!”
My heart feels as though it’s leaving my body as she does what I say.
“Hadley!” Kevin bellows.
“Run, Hadley! Run and don’t come back!” I scream as loudly as I can, needing my girl to get away from here.
Kevin grips the back of my head, pulling my hair so hard I yelp. “Going somewhere?”
I could lie, but it won’t matter. He knows why we were sneaking out in the middle of the night. There’s no getting out of this, and for once, I refuse to back down and be afraid. The worst will come, but Hadley will be nowhere near when it does.
There is a small . . . so very, very small comfort in knowing that when he kills me, he’ll go to jail and she’ll be free of him.
“You won’t get her.”
“Oh, you think you’re noble? You think she won’t come home to her daddy?”
I laugh because the funny part is, she might not be his. Still, there’s some self-preservation left inside me that keeps my mouth shut. I might feel brave, but I’m not fool enough to make this worse.
“Something funny, Ellie?”
“This,” I say through gritted teeth as the pain from him practically ripping my hair out throbs. “That you say you love me and Hadley, and yet, you’d stoop to this.”
“I need you.”
“You need to stop hurting us.”
Kevin’s lips graze my neck, and the grip of his hands loosens. “I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you. I knew you’d leave me someday. I fought to keep you. Then we had Hadley, and I believed that we would be fine. I should’ve known you could never be loyal to me.”
I close my eyes, forcing any emotion back down. I can’t show any weakness. “Let me go, Kevin. Let me go and be happy.”
He shoves me away so hard I fall, my hands and knees hitting the dirt so hard they burn with fresh scrapes. “You want to be happy and leave me to handle it all? No. I told you what would happen. I warned you not to try to walk away from me.”
“Why? Why do you want me? You don’t love me, and I don’t want this!”
A fresh anger fills his gaze, and I don’t have enough time to move before his foot connects with my ribs.
I feel the agony before I can draw a breath. The side where I was already bruised now feels crushed.
I struggle to stand, to get air in my lungs, but the pain is too great.
“You don’t want this?” Kevin yells as he pushes me back to the ground.
“Kevin!”
“You don’t want what? Me? You want someone else?”
His hand grabs my arm, hoisting me to my knees.
“I want you to stop!” I somehow get out.
“You could’ve stopped it all.”
Yeah, by never marrying him. By leaving a million years ago. I could’ve done so many things differently, but I didn’t. I chose to live with a man who has torn me down. While I felt I had no way out, I ultimately gave him the ability to hurt me. Now, he plans to do that, and I’m already broken and unsure of how to stop it.
“Kevin, please,” I beg, knowing it might be my only chance.
“Please what? Please don’t hurt you? Did you think I wouldn’t be the one who was hurt when I found my wife and daughter gone?
Did you not think of me when you were sneaking out of this house, trying to steal my child? No, you were only thinking about yourself!”
My tears fall now, unable to stop them. The pain in my chest is so bad it has spots flaring to life in my vision. Every ounce of strength I have, I use to keep him talking. The longer I hold his attention, the more time that Hadley has to run.
“I begged you,” I say, my eyes meeting his, giving in to the emotions that are eating me alive. “I believed your promises that you wouldn’t hit me. I fed into each lie, allowed you to control me. I let you do all of this because, at some point, I loved you. I wanted Hadley to have a father, but you broke each promise. You say I’m selfish, but what about this, Kevin? What about the bruises and injuries?”
He gets down on his knees beside me. “Don’t you see how much I fucking love you? If you didn’t make me so angry all the time!” Then he gets to his feet and starts to pace. “You defy me and think I’m stupid. Well, I’m not stupid am I, Ellie? Look who is on the ground at my feet now. All because you couldn’t keep your legs closed.”
The blame falling to me again makes me want to choke him. I’ve tried so hard to make him happy. I’ve done everything he asked and kept our home the way he said he wanted it. I have cooked meals the way he wanted and acted exactly how he expected me to act. I did it all, and nothing was ever good enough.
I rise, not willing to be on the ground anymore. He watches me, and I step away from him, my back hitting the car.
I’m trapped.
“If you loved me, you would stop this. You wouldn’t have hit me in the first place, and I wouldn’t be leaving.” My hands are against the cold metal as he advances quickly.
I tremble, fear hitting me as I know what’s going to come. He’s out of his mind with rage. “No! You just don’t see. You don’t fucking see!” He rears back, hitting me so hard that my vision blurs. The world around me tilts, and my hand cups my cheek, the sting so deep I know I’ll feel it for days. “You’re mine! You’re my wife, and you’ll obey me. You promised to stay!”
“And you promised to cherish me!”
Come Back for Me Page 6
