Blood Sabers

by Burbaugh, MF;

  I went back to the audience. “They all wish to participate of course, but I am afraid it can only be two. Only my Linda could take all five, and she uses no wooden swords. They all break.” Some laughs and a few ‘yeah right’, and other crap. I had waited for an opening to show we were a bit more than the sex crazed barbarians that we pretended to be. I felt I found it and that the troops outside would appreciate that a battle would be futile and unnecessary.

  “My beloved Linda, throb of my heart and loins, (Some laughs there) might I entice you into entertaining our audience while the sensei decide?”

  “Certainly.” She stepped out and took off her regular dress, leaving her white and blue battle dress and panties. She picked up her Twin Sword of Power, smiled, and walked out to the center field. “I do this for the ladies, that they may understand they are not as helpless as men wish them to believe.”

  She drew her sword and it crackled. She did a short warm up for them, although she needed none. She pointed it skyward with a huge discharge of bronze colored lightning and she was in her white armor with blue highlights and her shield sparkled with its lion. She dared any man stand his ground against her.

  “My cue,” I said and smiled. I had my sword, and started walking toward her, “What bitch dares challenge me?” I shouted. Let us see if we can impress.

  “I am the hell spawn of the bastard who dared call himself my Creator and thought he could have his way with me.” She needed no amplifiers, the very foundation was rocking. “Who would dare challenge me?” she said. I was 50 yards away.

  I did my best little whimper, “It is but I, my dear, your poor husband.” Most of the crowd was in shock, but a few laughed.

  “Challenge accepted, mortal, stand your ground…and die!” she said, and jabbed the ground with her sword. The ground cracked.

  I drew my sword, stabbed the ground with some blue sparks; the two cracks met as I called my armor and stood. The shield had the saber tooth. A few thousand aahs.

  I slapped my side and mounted on my sabertooth. At a full run I did a full gainer dismount taught by The General and landed almost at her feet as the sabertooth disappeared. Both shields disappeared and we squared. Her power feeding to me gave me the power to survive her strikes, barely. We fought an hour, much too fast for all but the sharpest to see, but the explosions when swords clashed was most, err, entertaining. I spent a lot of time pirouetting from her blows. At the end of an hour I hollered, “Stop! I declare a draw!” I yelled. Then I whispered to the mike, “only because a few more seconds and I drop dead from exhaustion or pee my pants, one of the two.”

  The crowd exploded.

  Linda said, “I think you jest, but I will accept.” Poof, her armor was gone and she picked me up, armor and all and hugged me.

  For thirty minutes the crowed exploded.

  Linda said, “They are ours but to command.”

  Rodel said the forces were withdrawing.

  I went back to The Sensei, all there stared at me. The Sensei said, “We have been led like pigs to the slaughter, haven’t we?”

  “No, my friend, my wives you fight are normal Amazon warriors who but recently came to the sword. I swear.”

  “As I thought, the words Amazon and normal are in themselves an oxymoron.” And he laughed.

  “So any takers?” The #2and #5 in the world said they had worked together somewhere and accepted the challenge.

  I went to the mike. “My lovely wife Linda says she hopes she didn’t scare anyone too badly.” They laughed with caution. They knew, with no doubt at all now, that we were not normal.

  “We have two great sensei who will accept my wife Katawasa’s challenge.” I introduced them both.

  Rodel said decisions were being made in high places. He felt the troops would no longer be a threat.

  “The rounds will again go one hour in length. Three hits on a sensei he is retired, six hits on my wife is a kill and the match ends. Total purse is 1 million each for the fight, 1 million to split for each hit scored, up to six hits, or until there is only one left, then hit score goes only to that person.

  “An additional five million to split if they defeat her. You don’t make that kind of dough even if you own the bakery!” A few laughs. That one bombed badly.

  “Katawasa, if you please?” She went out, looked at them, ran back, picked up her katana and ran back out.

  “Sorry, with these two virile men I think I need more protection!”

  “Put the sword back and get the bokken,” I said.

  “Ok, but if I get raped it’s your fault!” She threw it to Aawasa who threw back her bokken. The crowd went wild with laughter.

  The sensei knew it was a show now, but they had honor, and I made it clear I saw them pull a hit it was over, they lose.

  Katawasa was in for the fight of her life; these two masters were harder than a thousand Koteck. She survived the first hour with a loss of one hit. Linda was going to fix it but Katawasa said no, fair fight.

  Hour two settled into a more traditional fight, testing, and flurries. They had worked together, it showed. One would flurry while the other rested. Katawasa was burning huge amounts of energy; she flicked a surprise hit on the one that was resting. She just scored a hit on the other’s leg in a high one-handed sweep called a katate that she changed to an arc, which caught him off guard.

  Her two to their one.

  By hour three she hit her stride. On the opening gambit she got each of them for one more hit, but stamina-wise she was soon running low, she was digging deep. They double teamed her with high and low flurries, and scored two quick hits.

  She blocked a set of both their swords hitting hers full force and she got out of the way but the bokken broke…they froze instantly. She bowed, they bowed and she came back with Aawasa’s bokken.

  “I am going to lose you know, they are good.” She was starting to gasp.

  Aawasa said, “Only if you don’t get mad.”

  Four hits to three.

  Hour three ended with a surprise move one of them made in a change-up done with raw power, four to four.

  She was panting hard. “Calm even breathing, my dear,” Aawasa said.

  “ Ee e as y nnn o t.”

  “I know, I am not fighting. I am saying calm your heart.”

  I went to her and took her hands and stared into her eyes. I told her I loved her, she had done a fantastic job. I kissed her cheeks.

  Nine minutes into the rest period she was still panting, I knew she was done.

  Rodel played a little bit of the conversation from the other corner.

  “Dumb bitch thought she could best two sensei. Now she will learn the powers of the true warrior,” one said.

  “I wonder if they really killed any of those guys in that film? Probably all actors,” the other said. “Or computer drawings.”

  Her breathing went calm, as calm as death. She went into slow even breaths, deep breaths as her lungs filled with oxygen and her heart filled with hate. I knew inside she was in the gray death.

  The hour began, she broke two more bokken in three hits, and one wrist without touching it. Her eyes were clear, they had got a hit on her, but she never felt it, never flinched.

  They had five hits on her. Aawasa and I both were ready for what we knew would come as my Katawasa was no longer on Earth, she was on a killing field with thousands of her Amazon sisters dead about her.

  She jumped clear over them, it caught them off guard and the one hit the other trying to follow her.

  She would have taken the guy from hip to knee, the hit was so hard a third bokken broke. The Sensei on the bench asked, “Blood lust?”

  “She’s pissed,” I said. “If you hadn’t been there it is not describable.”

  They stopped, he had to withdraw, it was his third hit. He limped off in amazement, the other panted deeply.

  Katawasa breathed deep, but steady, stared unblinking, as the last sensei knew he was afraid.

  They squared, he knew he
had to win the opening gambit, he tried. Her hit was inside his and was so hard it broke his collarbone, if real he would have been split vertically in two. The whole crowd heard it. His hit her on her elbow and it also broke, but she felt no pain, she went to take his head off with that wooden sword but Aawasa instantly stopped her as I intercepted the blow. She stood and stared and started to shake and cry and she just collapsed in my arms. I figured it would be a long time before Rodel would ever say what those poor guys really said in that corner.

  Linda came forward, I told her what I thought. She asked Rodel and he admitted he fibbed. Linda healed the broken shoulder and all the wounds of both sensei. They were amazed.

  Linda came over and told Katawasa, held by Aawasa, she stood us all so proud. She healed her wounds and kissed her tear-wracked body.

  I went to the two sensei and apologized, she went to blood lust and lost control. I know their injuries were deep but forgive her.

  I went to the mike, the audience had been hushed, almost from the start of the fourth hour. They knew what they saw was different as my blue demon roared.

  “I wish to apologize to all. My wife was unable to keep her promise not to lose her temper. From the start of the fourth hour, you saw what the Koteck saw in the video, one pissed off Amazon that felt no pain, saw nothing but her opponent and did her best to deal nothing but death. We call it blood lust or gray death. That was why I had such an uneasiness in allowing it, but I ask you to forgive her, at this time she can see nothing but thousands of dead and dying on a field of battle long ago and she will need to cry it out all over again. We honor these two true masters of the sword, who this day saw the power and will of a woman warrior in pain of heart, but they fought her to a draw, six to six.

  Aawasa was talking to Katawasa, and I wanted everyone to know it wasn’t a joke or in any way part of the show.

  “Katawasa listen to me, it is over, they are all dead, we won, we won.”

  A weak tearful voice said, “We won? All our sisters are dead, but we won? Tell me Aawasa, I cannot see through the blood, I cannot smell past the stench, I cannot hear past the screams. What did we win?” And she cried.

  I cuddled her, and told her it was a mistake, the sensei did not say that, Rodel might have gotten a tape from someone in the crowd mixed up. I remembered her sitting on a dead Koteck, stabbing him, over and over and crying. I kissed her lightly on the forehead and she started to refocus. I had seen the same stare from my own inside but yesterday.

  “My husband, I am sorry, I don’t know what happened, I just saw Koteck. I…” she cried.

  “I know dear, I know,” and rocked her.

  “These wives of mine can be hell spawn if riled, and not even I can control them.” Not a sound from the crowd, not even laughter.

  I picked Katawasa up and took her to the center field were the two sensei, now recovered, stood with heads bowed.

  “My lovely wife, we have done an injustice, you forgot to bow at the end of the round,” I said.

  “Forgive me, I meant no dishonor, I was, um, not myself.” She bowed deeply, looked at me, put her head on my shoulder, and cried and apologized for being such a despicable bitch on a field of honor.

  I rocked her and finally Aawasa came and took her off the field. Slowly the clapping started in a wave and rose to an ear covering crescendo, just clapping. Earth had seen a Blue Demon Legend with fingers of steel, and seen why, with but a wooden stick.

  After she left the field I said, “I honestly thought she was the more controlled of our group. If she had her real sword I fear most of us would not have survived the day.” I turned toward the two sensei.

  “Here we have the two brave souls who saw our demons, tasted their wrath, and survived. That alone is worth honoring.” I pointed to both.

  Rodel came out with the tray and said, “I am a defective Robot, I caused my Katawasa much pain through a misjudgment, I alone bear the shame of this day, I released her demons with a miss-truth and I apologize to all.” He cried as best he could.

  “We have decided each sensei shall receive our medal.” I gave each one. “I award in contest and penalties the sum of ten million dollars each and hope they will accept our price as partial compensation for our dishonor.” I gave both the cash and an additional 1 million check if they teach women.

  “I,” the second ranked guy said, “Do not accept the apology.” A hush broke over the crowd. “If I may explain?” he asked. I handed him the mike.

  “We, the sensei of various countries, train ourselves, our bodies and minds for most of our lives to the way of Bushido, or the way of the warrior.” He waited a second and said, “We practice and train to do what?” He clearly paused for effect again. “To become the ultimate warrior. To free our minds and bodies of all pain, all thought but the task at hand, to kill our opponent in battle. To follow the philosophy of Bushido which is freedom from fear.”

  He slowly looked around. “I saw no dishonor here. What I saw was what our ancestors must have seen and felt and striven for, I saw how they were in battle. We play at battle, I think today we all saw a true warrior in battle and it is I who wish to honor her, a true Samurai!” He turned toward her and bowed deeply. The other did as well. She managed to stand and bow in return and I think Huston still rattles from the noise.

  He straightened. “And I thank any, or all gods she did not have a real sword!”

  For a solid twenty minutes, they bowed and Katawasa bowed to the screaming crowd. The TV people said something about having the only video in existence of a sixteenth century Samurai in the heat of battle.

  Aawasa said, “Not sure I liked it, but that went well, my husband, I think.” and she didn’t smile this time.

  “We, and a certain defective robot, are going to have to have a long talk.” He took off across the field, waving his arms and hollering, #5 alive, no disassemble, #5 alive, no disassemble.”

  What could I do, I laughed myself to tears. Johnny Five from Short Circuit was a favorite movie hero of ours.

  I turned it over to the announcer and Matawasa had two hours to finish her next opponent.

  During the final hour the fourth ranked master in the world wished an audience. I asked The Sensei if he knew him, he said yes, a very honorable man. I brought him to us.

  He bowed. I saw pain on his face. “I must, I must dishonor myself and withdraw. I came in the vain hope I could secure the funds to help my wife, but they say she will not survive the night and I must try to get to her side.” He held up a cell phone. “Cancer, well spread before it was found.” Rodel sub’d the validity; she was in a Hospital in Kansas City.

  I sub’d Linda to come and Rodel to tell her how to find it. “Will your lion accept a rider?” I asked.

  “Yes, just not a harness.”

  I asked if her ability worked on cancers, she said yes but she didn’t want to become the great sister of mercy or anything, not her function in the universe.

  “Take him, let him see a miracle, don’t let him know it’s you--you just took him out of concern. Dazzle them with your beauty and your bullshit.” I had to smile.

  She agreed. I talked to him and asked if I might first honor his presence to the crowd. We would fly him ourselves, directly to her side. He was hesitant but agreed. They heard me tell Matawasa to go ahead and finish her opponent, he’d fought well, but I needed the stage now.

  The crowd cheered, flick, flick, flick. He lost.

  I presented ten mil to him and a mil to train, his medal, and he left. I called up the sensei that had to leave, told the audience why he had to go, gave him the participation medal and the same ten mil and 1 mil to train. I was informed that someone on a thing called e-Bay offered $1 million in cash for one of these little $1295 shields, there were no takers.

  A Demi-Goddess bombshell slapped her side and a massive lion appeared. She took the sensei’s hand and lifted him against her front and the lion ran and jumped to the sky, and they farted their way toward Kansas City.

/>   It was on the news. A woman called in a Father to administer her last rights, he said the words and as he started to touch her head, bronze fire danced from his finger across her body and she arched and was totally healed, not only of her cancer, but of every ailment known to man. A true, recorded, Christian miracle, and a lot of praise was sent to the Father that day. Why not? He allowed it didn’t he?

  And Then There Was One

  “Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow we bring the final battle of the sexes to you. The top ranked sensei on Earth against our wife. We conclude this day full of wonder and excitement except for one little thing.

  “Camelot has accepted a new woman of this planet to train to be Samurai…we do not train as you do.

  “She is required to receive all training in Camelot battle uniform which our culture demands, but she is also required to not dishonor her family in the doing. By Royal Decree I have allowed a minor addition to our uniform in order to ensure that she can begin training. I will not divulge her name so her family cannot be dishonored, and I ask all to never seek her identity. My wives agree they will come after, and kill any person or persons as well as whoever they work for, and any who ordered it, if it is revealed without her prior permission. I ask her to step forward.”

  A very shaky young lady wearing a Royal Purple mask and a flower-covered dress, stepped forward.

  “Sorry, you must present yourself in proper attire to continue.” She shakily removed her dress and shoes, leaving her attired in a Royal Purple battle dress and a pair of purple panties with a little UNF shield in the corner.

  “Kneel please?”

  She did.

  “To first become a Samurai requires you become a gentleman.”

  I drew my sword, sparks danced. “I dub thee Sir No Name, Knight of the Round Table of Camelot.

  “Rise, Sir Knight.”

  She stood.

  I called Matawasa and had her do the presentation. “In front of this audience I wish to present you, in the name of Camelot, this item, that you may protect and defend the honor of the blade,” she said.