by Lola StVil
“Dammit, Rye. Isn’t it enough that I’m kept awake half of the night by your dreams without you launching shit at my wall when you’re awake?” he demands.
“I…I’m sorry,” I say, taken aback by his anger.
He sighs and the anger drains out of him.
“Forget it. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Rye, these dreams. They’re pretty intense.”
I snort out a laugh.
“Yeah. Tell me about it,” I say.
He turns to walk away and then he looks back at me.
“She’s worth fighting for, Rye. Find a way to cheat the curse.”
And then he’s gone. He’s right though. She is worth it. She’s worth the fucking world. I have to find a way for us to be together, assuming she wants me like I want her. And I think she does. I know she does.
Screw it. Sailor is right. I’m the one who’s obsessed with following the rules. Well I’m done with them. I’m done with trying to fight my feelings for Sailor and I’m done with letting some ancient gods who sit up there lording it up letting me and my team take all of the risks, just to tell me how I can or can’t feel.
I mean what are they going to do? They can’t kill Sailor. She’s the Paradox. And they can’t kill me. I’m the leader and the best hope Sailor has of beating the horsemen. It’s time for me to take a stand. To stand up for Sailor and me and to make it known that I’m done playing by the rules.
I quickly get dressed and then I go to the bottom drawer of my dresser. I push aside old T-shirts and dig to the back, where I find what I’m looking for. A tiny dagger that looks useless to anyone who doesn’t know its purpose. I stand back up and pull the dagger in a downward arc in front of me. The air in front of me splits and forms an opening. I step through it and into Nexus’s cave.
Nexus is standing over a bubbling purple potion balanced on a hob ring when I step into her cave. I know she knows I’m here, but her gaze remains focused on the bubbling liquid. I know better than to interrupt her when she’s cooking potions, so I stand as patiently as I can, which is not very patient at all, and I wait.
The bubbles get faster and Nexus drops in a tiny sprinkle of yellow flakes. She reduces the heat and the bubbling stops and Nexus pours the liquid into a rectangular mold. She finally looks up at me.
“What are you making?” I ask, curious to see a potion I don’t recognize.
“Black currant and honey soap.” She smiles.
I bite my tongue to hold back my outburst about her keeping me waiting to make damn soap.
“You look agitated, Rye. And you’re not one for dropping around for a casual chat. What is it?” she asks.
Now I’m here, I don’t know quite what I’m hoping to achieve. Maybe to get Nexus’s blessing or something. Maybe just to flaunt my newfound disobedience. Whatever it is, she’s not going to let me leave until I tell her what’s on my mind, so I might as well just come out and say it.
“Nexus, Sailor and I. I…I think I’m in love with her,” I say.
Nexus’s eyes widen, and I keep going before she can stop me.
“I don’t care about the rules, Nexus. They’re not going to kill the Paradox. And I’m willing to take whatever consequences they throw at us.”
“Don’t be so sure about that, Rye. You have no idea what they’ll do,” she says.
She pats the bench beside her and I reluctantly walk over to have my heart ripped out.
***
I am angrier than ever when I come back to the cabin after Nexus drops her bombshell on me. I stalk through my room and head down the corridor. I need to get outside and get some air. I need some time to get my head around what I just heard. Sailor and I can never be together. That much is obvious now. I have to find a way to move on, but I really don’t think I can do that.
“Shit man, you look rough,” Sunday says, popping out of the kitchen with a can of soda in his hand.
“Shouldn’t you be at school?” I snap.
“Sorry, Dad.” Sunday laughs.
I roll my eyes.
“Seriously, Sunday. Why are you still here?”
“I’m waiting for you,” he says. “I came back to your room to talk to you and you were gone. As was the dagger to open the portal to Nexus. Did you find a way?”
I shake my head slowly.
“No. Well yes. But Sailor and I being together comes at a price. A price I’m not willing to pay,” I say.
Sunday raises an eyebrow.
“What’s the price?” he asks. “Surely they wouldn’t kill the Paradox?”
“No. They won’t,” I say. “They’ll kill her father instead.”
I’m getting ready to visit Nexus again, this time with Sailor in tow. I have the tiny dagger in my hand and Sailor is eyeing it curiously. I know she wants to ask what it is, but I also know she still hasn’t forgiven me for my date with Felicity, so she’s staying as quiet as she can, not wanting to talk to me unless she absolutely has to. I hum to myself and mess around with my shoes for a moment. If she wants to play it that way, then I’m at least going to make her work for it.
When I’ve stalled about as much as I can without it being obvious, ignoring her sighs and eye rolls, I run the dagger through the air and Sailor gasps as she watches the air in front of me tear open.
“Come on,” I say and step through the tear.
She doesn’t hesitate. I really do admire Sailor. She’s been thrown into this world, a world that has sent far older people than her running for the hills, and she just quietly accepts things. She just stepped through a tear with no idea what’s on the other side without even questioning it.
She looks around at the bare stone walls and smiles.
“I wish I found this door instead of the slide down to hell,” she muses.
“You have the dagger?” Nexus asks from the shadows.
“No. We have a piece of ugly jewelry,” Sailor says bitterly.
I bite the inside of my lip to keep from smiling and pull the medallion out of my pocket and hand it to Nexus. She smiles when she sees it.
“This isn’t a piece of ugly jewelry,” she says. “Well actually, that’s a lie. The thing is extremely ugly. And I guess you could wear it as jewelry. But it’s actually much more than that. It’s a scribing tool.”
I grin. This is it. The key to finding the dagger. Sailor frowns beside me.
“A what?” she asks.
I keep forgetting how little she knows about this world. She fits in so easily that I often forget she isn’t one of us. It’s dangerous to let myself forget.
“A scribing tool,” Nexus repeats. “It’s a map and a key wrapped up in one neat little package. It will lead you to the dagger. When you activate it, Paradox, it will glow and it will get brighter while you’re following the right path. Once you find the location of the dagger, a shape will appear that matches the medallion. Simply place the medallion into the shape and turn it until it clicks and you will unlock the door to the dagger. It’s simple really.”
“Yeah, it sounds like it,” Sailor huffs. “And what exactly do I need to do to activate it? Walk through fire? Sacrifice a lamb?”
Nexus laughs and looks at me.
“She’s funny. Try not to get her killed.”
She turns back to Sailor.
“You just have to be holding it. While it’s in contact with your skin, it’s activated. To deactivate it, put it in your pocket or bag or somewhere it’s not in contact with you.”
Sailor holds out her hand for the medallion and Nexus places it on her palm. It instantly begins to glow faintly.
“We’re pretty cold then. So Nexus, any idea where we might find this door? I’m guessing it’s nowhere near Starbucks because I couldn’t be lucky enough to get decent coffee too, right?”
Nexus laughs again.
“See, I told you she was funny. You’re going to need that sense of humor, Paradox. Things will get hard from here.”
“Because they’ve been easy up until now?” Sailor says.
/>
Nexus nods like this should be obvious.
“Well yes. But now, I suggest you make the most of the next couple days while I get some intel on potential starting points. I suggest you stay the weekend for extra training.”
“Stay here?” Sailor exclaims.
“Heavens no, the last thing I need is you getting under my feet. Stay at the cabin,” Nexus says.
Worst idea ever.
I glare at Nexus, who gives me a wide-eyed look of innocence.
She’s totally playing me.
She knows how I feel and she knows this will be a test for me. And she’s loving it.
***
I am so torn I feel like I’m going crazy. On the one hand, having Sailor staying at the cabin is amazing. Knowing she’s here where I can keep her safe and see her anytime I want to is great. On the other hand, the temptation to just throw caution to the wind and sweep her up in my arms and make love to her is proving difficult to resist.
After our visit with Nexus, we went back to the cabin to round up the girls so Sailor could take them with her when she begged her dad to let her have a girls’ weekend. I was half hoping he’d say no. I hung back with Aziza, who had no interest in convincing Sailor’s dad to let her come and stay at the cabin. Ya-Ya, Grace, and Mel assaulted him with a mixture of makeovers, movies, junk food, and gossip talk. He got caught up in their excitement and agreed to it. He took Sailor to one side and told her to be home by six on Sunday because he wanted her to meet Raven, whom he is now referring to as his girlfriend. I saw Sailor’s smile slip for just a second and it hurt me to know she was hurting.
She has been training more with Sunday. We’ve pretty much given up on the history lessons. They won’t keep her alive. Sunday has been doing weapons training with her. Sailor skipped breakfast this morning to have another session with Sunday while I talk to Grace about her progress teaching Sailor to scribe.
“It’s not good news, Rye,” Grace says. “I know Sailor can do this, but it’s like she has a mental block or something. Your whole dating other women thing has hit her hard and it’s affecting her concentration.”
“It’s for the best, Grace,” I say quietly. “The consequences are…let’s just say they’re not something I’m willing to risk.”
Grace nods her head.
“Yeah I get that, but just stop rubbing it in her face, alright?”
Before I can argue with her, she goes back to the dagger.
“So Nexus dropped by while I was working with Sailor. She’s still trying to find the exact location for us, but she said the dagger is in a cave somewhere deep in the forest. And now the medallion has been found, it seems that the dagger has come to life. Nexus said it will soon start attracting darkness and evil will be drawn to it.”
“Wonderful,” I say. “No pressure then.”
Grace laughs softly.
“Yeah, none at all. I’ll keep trying with Sailor later on today. I know she’ll get there.”
I nod my head.
“Speaking of Sailor, I better get over to the warehouse for our training session.”
I get up and head for the warehouse. I’m already regretting this decision. I should have kept up the weapons training and had Sunday practice the hand-to-hand stuff with her. The hand-to-hand stuff has too much risk of contact. I shake my head. I’m a fucking god, not some dumb teenager. I can focus on the mission and ignore the insistent voice in my head that tells me to kiss Sailor.
I step into the warehouse. Sailor is on the mats. She’s running through a kicking and punching routine. Her body is graceful and I hang back for a moment watching her. She’s getting there. Her movements are fluid and she’s committing properly to each move. She stops moving and frowns in my direction.
“Perv much?” she snaps.
“I’m seeing where your weaknesses lie so I know where to focus your training,” I say haughtily.
Lies.
“Oh,” she says sheepishly.
I step toward her.
“Why don’t we start by having me attack you and you try to stop me,” I say.
I don’t give her any more warning than that. I move in toward her, bringing my hands up as though I’m ready to choke the life out of her. She doesn’t hesitate. She kicks out with her foot, swiping my feet out from underneath me. I slam onto my back on the mat. Sailor grins down at me and offers me her hand. I take it, shocked at how easily she was able to take me down. I wasn’t ready, I tell myself.
Another lie.
I was too focused on Sailor’s lips, on her collarbone. On wanting to hold her, kiss her.
Damn, Rye. Get a fucking grip.
I move toward Sailor again. This time I circle her, getting behind her. I run at her. She grabs my wrist, ducks, and slams me over her head and onto the mat again. This time, she doesn’t offer me her hand. She just frowns down at me. Great. She’s kicking my ass and she’s still mad at me.
“What?” I demand as I get up.
“Going easy on me isn’t doing us any favors, Rye,” she says.
I force myself not to smile. It’s much better she thinks I’m going easy on her than thinking I’m distracted because I can’t think of anything but how her lips will taste against mine.
“Okay, we’ll do this your way then.” I grin. “You come at me.”
Sailor pauses and looks me up and down for a second and then she runs at me. She crouches low and aims a kick at my head. I grab her ankle and pull her other foot out from under her. She goes down and I lay my hand on her throat. She gets back up and tries again. Again, I have her on the ground with my hand on her throat within seconds.
This is bad. Every time I touch her throat, I want to caress it, to run my tongue over it. She’s starting to look a little tired now, but she told me not to go easy on her, so I won’t. She comes at me again, but before she’s close enough for me to reach her, she stops.
“Shhh, listen,” she whispers. “Rye, there’s someone here.”
I pause and listen but I don’t hear anything except Sailor’s breathing. I shake my head.
“There’s no one here but us, Sailor.”
That’s the problem, isn’t it?
It would be so much easier to keep my hands to myself if we had an audience.
But we don’t.
I get back into a fighting stance. Reluctantly, Sailor does the same, but I know her focus isn’t on the training anymore.
“Sailor. Focus,” I say.
She nods her head and her eyes narrow as she circles me. A loud crash comes from the warehouse door.
Dammit.
She was right and I dismissed her. How could I not hear someone or something watching us?
Sailor takes off. I am caught back-footed and she’s out the door before I can stop her. I run after her, shouting at her to stop but she ignores me. She runs into the woods, on the trail of who knows what. I up my pace, but she’s fast.
I finally catch up with her when she stops running.
“I lost him,” she says. “He vanished into the undergrowth and then he was just gone. All I saw was a flash of something. I don’t even know if it was a person or a demon.”
I ignore her panting explanation and grab her roughly by the top of her arms, turning her to face me.
“What the hell were you thinking running off half-cocked like that?” I demand.
“I was thinking that my leader was too distracted to go after the spy and find out what they wanted, so I did it myself,” she responds.
I release my grip on her.
“You could have gotten yourself killed,” I say, quieter now.
“Yeah, and then your reputation would have been ruined, right? The amazing Rye getting the Paradox killed on his watch.”
“What did you just say to me?” I demand.
My voice is ice as my heart freezes. How can Sailor not see what she does to me? How can she not know she’s so much more than just a mission to me?
“I said you’d fail the mission. Th
at’s all you care about, isn’t it?” Sailor says. “You’d have to go back to Mensa with your tail between your legs instead of riding back on a wave of glory while I go back to my boring human existence. You can be the hero and forget I ever existed. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
I shake my head. It’s the last thing I want.
“I don’t think you get it,” I start.
“No Rye, you don’t get it,” she says with tears in her eyes. “I know there was something between us, but you weren’t willing to fight for us.”
Her voice comes out cracked and small. She sounds so broken.
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you to fight for? I’ve given up everything to do this and you…”
She’s still talking, but I’m not hearing her anymore. All I can hear is her asking me why she wasn’t good enough for me. Of course she’s good enough for me. Screw the gods, they’ll never have to know about Sailor and me. And screw the consequences. If they do find out, I’ll find a way to make them punish me instead of her.
I lean forward and slam my lips onto hers. Her words cut off as I pull her into my arms as finally I allow myself to give in and kiss the girl who has been driving me mad since the moment I first set eyes on her.
The kiss with Sailor is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. My whole body comes to life in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a virgin, but I’ve never been around anyone that makes me feel the way Sailor does.
Kissing her was a mistake though. It leaves her father vulnerable, and I won’t risk it again. I just had to do it, just once. I had to know how her lips tasted, how they would feel against my own. And I had to show her that she means more to me than just a badge of honor.
Once I come to my senses, I pull back from Sailor.
“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“You’re damn right it won’t,” she spits back
