Be Prepared

by Gary Greenberg

  Don’t smoke, and keep the baby away from people who do.

  If possible, your partner should breastfeed.

  Take an infant CPR class.

  “The Big H,” a common family sleeping formation

  YOUR BED, YOUR RULES

  Do you want to share your bed with the baby? Some guys think it’s great, and others feel that the bed is one of the last kid-free spaces left in the house and would prefer to keep it that way.

  It’s a bigger decision than you might think, because once the baby settles into your bunk, she’s not likely to go back to the crib anytime soon. After all, now that she’s used to The Hilton, do you think she’s going to settle for Motel 6?

  Here are some factors to think about:

  Your Sleep Many infants grunt, moan, and wiggle in their sleep. This is because they spend a lot more time in R.E.M. dream sleep than adults, which is ironic, because they don’t have nearly as much to dream about.

  Your Partner’s Sleep Your partner can breastfeed without having to get out of bed if the baby is next to her.

  The Baby’s Sleep The closer you are to the baby, the more likely you are to respond to every whimper, which may wake the baby up unnecessarily.

  With the co-sleeper, you can get some shut-eye and your partner can feed in bed.

  Safety If you are very heavy, an extremely deep sleeper, take sleeping pills, or drink to excess, you shouldn’t have the baby in your bed. Even if you are none of the above, you’ve got to adhere to the previously mentioned SIDS specifications.

  And soon you’ll have to deal with a rolling baby, which may mean rails and other gadgets to keep her in place.

  Sex When it’s finally time to resume sex, a baby in your bed will force you to find other, more challenging places for your exploits.

  Intangibles Many dads have said that there’s no substitute for watching the baby wake up next to you, stretch out her arms and legs, and pass gas.

  Hooking Up a Sidecar

  If you want the baby reasonably close to you but not in the bed, you may want to hook up something called a co-sleeper. It’s a three-walled mini-crib that hooks on to the side of your bed. Your partner can easily pull the baby into the bed for feedings, and push her back into the co-sleeper when finished. When the baby becomes able to move around, you can put the fourth wall up to keep her from rolling into your bed at will.

  PLACES YOUR BABY CAN NOD OFF

  Infants have a wide variety of sleep options, including the following apparatus:

  Returning to WORK

  Sometime during these months you’ll most likely be punching out of baby world and back into work world. If you’ve taken advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act, you can take up to twelve weeks of unpaid leave or arrange to work a temporary part-time schedule. Either way, your employer can’t penalize you for taking time off to be with the baby. Some companies, however, are exempt from the FMLA, so make sure you’re covered before barging into your boss’s office and demanding your rights.

  For more info about the FMLA, go to www.beprepared.net.

  SLEEP DEPRIVATION AT WORK

  Exhaustion is by far the biggest obstacle you’ll be facing as you try to reinsert yourself into the working world. You’ll be doing the same tasks you used to, but they’ll take twice as long. You’ll read the same page three different times before comprehension kicks in. The basic rules of division and multiplication suddenly elude you. And forget about giving a presentation. The right words are always just out of reach.

  Studies have shown that your I.Q. actually drops with each hour of sleep lost. Your language center starts to shut down, your memory becomes sluggish, your reaction time slows, and you become irritable. The good news is that lack of sleep can’t kill you (unless you are operating heavy machinery).

  There are ways to fight the effects of sleep deprivation. It’s been proven that naps, even short catnaps, can do wonders for your mental agility. Researchers from NASA found that airline pilots who napped for an average of 26 minutes improved their performance by 34%. (Presumably they weren’t napping on the job.)

  At home, naps were acceptable. But unless you’ve got your own private office, you’re going to have to find more innovative ways to catch some shut-eye. Here are three possibilities:

  On your lunch hour, you can always go to your car, adjust your seat as far back as it can go, and drift off.

  If your company has a gym, you can lie down on a mat and do some deep relaxation exercises.

  If you’re really desperate, go into a stall in the men’s room, take a seat, prop a clean roll of toilet paper under your neck like a violin, and shut your eyes.

  TACTICS FOR STAYING UPRIGHT AT YOUR DESK

  * * *

  There are times when a nap is not an option, and you’ve just got to slog through the day somehow. Here are some tactics for keeping conscious in your cubicle. Four or five of them, used in conjunction, just might do the trick.

  An oscillating fan for a cool, irregular breeze

  Post-it notes for everything (because you can’t trust your brain)

  Coffee (which dehydrates) and a sports drink (to replenish your electrolytes)

  Chewing gum (preferably peppermint or cinnamon, as they are natural stimulants)

  Sharp, dissonant music (bagpipes are perfect)

  Hourly breaks to climb stairs (which will oxygenate your blood)

  Energy bars for lunch (a heavy meal will tire you)

  A tray of cold water for your bare feet (a bit preposterous, but it works like a charm)

  A prominent display of baby photos to remind people to cut you some slack in case you actually do keel over onto your keyboard

  * * *

  Reading SPORTS ILLUSTRATED to Your Baby

  Experts agree that reading to even very young babies is a good idea. They say that hearing words read aloud helps to “map” a baby’s brain to focus on, and eventually recognize, certain sound patterns, the building blocks of language. It’s basically “Hooked on Phonics” for the newborn set.

  Why not institute a daily dad-baby reading ritual as soon as possible? It’ll be fun for the both of you, and although she can’t tell a duck from a doorknob, hearing your voice will strengthen her connection to you and give her comfort.

  As for reading material, you can never go wrong with Sports Illustrated. Why S.I.? For the following reasons:

  Baby will be attracted to the pictures. Most of the uniforms have a lot of contrast, which babies respond to visually. They LOVE the umps.

  Baby will be enthralled by your play-by-play commentary. You can even try a Howard Cosell or Marv Albert voice if you’re feeling it.

  Baby will be fascinated with your over-enunciations of the names of famous athletes (DI-KEM-BE MO-TUM-BO, HI-DE-KI MAT-SU-I, and half of the NHL).

  You’ll get the lowdown on all the games you are no longer able to watch, keeping you in touch with at least some vestige of your former life.

  The excitement you show about your subject will rub off on the baby. And if sports is not your bag, you can always read the L. L. Bean catalog, Wired, Cat Fancy, etc. Stay away from Maxim, though. It may trigger the breastfeeding impulse.

  A Guy’s Guide to STROLLERS

  Guys who don’t go stroller shopping are missing out on a golden opportunity to throw around phrases like “turning radius,” “spring-action collapsibility,” and “off-road performance.” And if you leave the task to your partner’s sole discretion, then you can’t gripe when you find yourself trudging through the mall pushing an antique pram with a teddy bear-printed canopy.

  Three things you should do before buying any stroller:

  Test Drive

  Assess maneuverability and performance in tight corners. Can you steer it effectively with one hand? Are the handles high enough so that you aren’t hunched over? Turn an aisle of the store into a slalom course where you can test its limits.

  Inspect Moving Parts

  Collapse and expand the unit. Ca
n you do it with one hand (assuming the baby will be in the other)? Test the locking mechanism, reclining mechanism, and brakes. Are they well made? User-friendly? Is there a five-point safety harness? Shake the stroller to determine sturdiness.

  Lift and Carry

  Would you be able to carry it up a flight of stairs? Would your partner be able to hoist it into the trunk? Remember that you’re also going to be hauling diapers, wipes, toys, bottles, and up to 25 pounds of baby.

  Some misguided parents think it’s a good idea to “let the baby choose,” by putting her in various strollers to see how she reacts. This is a very bad idea, mostly because babies cry for many different reasons, and what you think is a stroller rejection maybe a hunger pang.

  THE SIX BASIC STROLLER TYPES

  Carriage strollers are too bulky for some trunks, but NEVER try this, of course.

  Carriage Combos are traditional baby carriages that morph into strollers when the baby outgrows the carriage. Since babies under three months should be lying flat (for head support), carriages provide an ideal setting for the newborn. And the carriage configuration enables the parent and baby to face one another. But when you unclamp the carriage top and snap on the stroller seat, they don’t function nearly as well. The carriage chassis is heavy, and the wheels don’t swivel, so maneuverability is limited.

  Stroller Combos are similar in concept to the carriage combos. The difference is all in the chassis. They weigh considerably less (usually between 20 and 25 pounds), fold up compactly, and feature wheels that swivel 360 degrees, making them better in tight spaces.

  Travel Systems and Car Seat Carriers provide two ways to take your baby from the car into the stroller without removing her from the car seat. Travel Systems are basic strollers with special adapters that let you snap an infant car seat on top of the stroller seat, making it safe for newborns. Some travel systems are sold with their own car seats, and others support a variety of brands. In general, they tend to be bulky. Car Seat Carriers consist of a simple stroller frame and wheels, and you just snap your car seat into and out of the frame at will. They fold up to the size of a metal folding chair, weigh about 10 pounds, and are relatively cheap.

  Lightweight Strollers weigh anywhere from 9 to 18 pounds and are great for urban dwellers. The best ones are surprisingly sturdy (and surprisingly expensive), and offer spring-into-action open-and-fold technology. Some newer models come with seats that fold all the way back so that newborns can use them, and others feature attachment bars for car seat hook-ups. The small wheels are a drawback on rough terrain, and the undersized storage basket forces many parents to hang bags from the handles, which can unbalance the unit. (Adding counterweights to the front wheels solves this problem.)

  Lightweight strollers can tip.

  Umbrella Strollers are the Chevy Vegas of the stroller world. They are cheap, ultra-light, flimsy, and ultimately disposable. Features include a piece of fabric over a frame. If you are traveling and need something really light to use in airports, these are recommended.

  Otherwise, steer clear (when closing they tend to collapse on your fingers).

  Joggers are the SUVs of the stroller world. These three-wheeled beasts have a very high wheel base, which is optimal in the event of a stroller-on-stroller collision. They are perfect for extreme and wilderness strolling, but their size and weight make them impractical for everyday use. They shouldn’t, be used until babies can support their, heads. And no matter how gung ho you are about running, never buy a jogger until well after the baby is born. Then see how much you want to run. More often than not, joggers become hampers as soon as the baby arrives.

  Stealth Strollers are pieces of equipment that have strollers hidden inside them. So far they’ve come up with backpack strollers, where the backpack frame becomes the stroller body, and car seat strollers, where the entire stroller is hidden inside the base of the car seat. Look for the diaper stroller in the fall of 2008.

  * * *

  Some Useful Accessories (sold separately):

  Plastic Rain Hood

  Boot—protects baby’s feet in cold weather

  U/V Canopy—for sun protection

  Cup Holder—for your single malt

  Activity Tray with Snack Holder

  Clamp-on Mesh Bag—for extra storage

  * * *

  The Infant Ensemble

  You are looking at the most important piece of clothing your baby will own during the first year of her life. It’s the perfect blend of comfort and functionality, works as sleepwear and leisurewear, and complements your baby’s body shape and active lifestyle. Whether lounging around the house or cruising around in the stroller, the feetsie pajama is the way to go. (Some people call them sleepers.)

  And best of all, there are no neck holes. Babies hate putting their heads through neck holes, perhaps thinking that you’re trying to stuff them back into the womb. Feetsie pajamas open from the neck all the way to the ankle (via a zipper or snaps), so you just lay them on top of it, and guide their limbs through the appropriate holes.

  And the icing on the cake: when your baby outgrows them, just cut off the feet and you’ve got regular pajamas. Slap some socks on her and you are good to go.

  Now your partner may try to throw the concept of aesthetics into the mix, choosing, against all logic, to bedeck the baby in jumpers and rompers and tights and leggings, things from Italy with tiny neck holes and inaccessible crotches. Although it’s useless to fight her on this, you can always change the baby back into her pj’s whenever you’re on duty.

  Dads don’t dress their babies like this.

  DRESSING FOR HOT AND COLD

  Your baby doesn’t need any more clothing than you do, and she’ll usually tell you, by fussing, if she’s too hot or cold. If you want a gauge, check the back of her neck. If it feels either too cold or hot and sweaty, adjust clothing accordingly. In cold weather, it’s best to dress your baby in layers that you can take off and put on as the temperature shifts. And if she needs mittens, stick a pair of baby socks on her hands.

  In the sleep sack your baby looks like she’s about to pupate.

  Winter Sleeping

  When it gets really cold, you may need a layer over your baby’s feetsie pajamas at bedtime, but blankets have been deemed unsafe for young babies. That’s where the sleep sack comes in. A sleeveless, collarless wearable blanket, the sleep sack makes your baby look like a giant larva, but it keeps her from kicking off her covers, a common baby trick.

  The Sun

  Treat your baby like a vampire for the first six months, keeping her out of direct sunlight as much as possible. When you do go out with her, try to cover her up with loose, long-sleeve clothing.

  Once she hits six months, you can venture out into the sun for limited periods, but be sure to slather baby sunscreen on all unclothed areas. Also get her a pair of sunglasses to protect her eyes, but don’t be surprised if they wind up on the ground more than on her face. A lightweight flap hat (see above) will also keep the glare out of her eyes, and protect her head and neck in the process.

  Summer Sleeping

  What do you do when it’s too hot for feetsie pajamas? Try this little number here. It’s called a onesie, and it’s a no-brainer. Loose neck, crotch snaps—what’s not to like? Unsnapped, it looks like your baby’s wearing tails.

  And if the neck hole is too small, you can stretch it around a two-liter plastic soda bottle for a couple of hours to loosen it up.

  4-6 MONTHS

  Your MENTAL HEALTH

  You’ve probably begun to realize that most of the time spent with babies this age is not so much quality time as it is quantity time—endless hours of routine bodily maintenance, punctuated by knee-bouncing, song-singing, and the occasional staring contest. You look at your watch thinking that two hours have gone by, and a mere fifteen minutes has ticked off.

  After a while, the isolation and lack of mental stimulation can start to drive you insane. You may find yourself eagerly picking up t
he phone for telemarketers, thankful for any adult interaction; staring transfixed at a baby video for half an hour after your baby’s fallen asleep next to you; and, without realizing it, ending all of your conversations with a high-pitched “bye-bye.” Is your brain starting to curdle? And what can you do about it?

  Some steps you can take to regain some semblance of mental stability:

  Create a Sanctuary. Claim one room in the house for your own and keep it 100% baby-free. (If you live in a small apartment, claim a walk-in closet.) Make the room a tribute to your former life.

  Before you forget everything, archive your memories on a wall calendar.

  Display your old concert posters, stolen street signs, bongo drums, your giant foam #1 finger, the hood ornament from your first set of wheels, and the shrunken head your uncle brought back from Singapore. Whenever the baby naps, retreat to the sanctuary for some peace of mind.

  Get Some Ink on Your Fingers. Life with a baby is life in a vacuum. To keep yourself connected to the world, read the paper whenever you get the chance. This way, the next time you enter into an adult conversation, you’ll have something to talk about besides the latest swaddling techniques.