Be Prepared

by Gary Greenberg

  Maintain Your Fighting Weight. Some dads experience a sympathetic pregnancy after the baby comes, a result of eating odd things at odd hours and getting almost no exercise. But it’s important to stay within range of your pre-baby weight, not only because you’ll feel better, but also because once the baby starts to crawl, you’ll have to leap up and pounce at a moment’s notice. Lose half a step and your camcorder may be toast.

  Take Off. Inside time is much slower than outside time. So when you’re with the baby, and the second hand on your watch starts freezing over, pack him up and go somewhere. Anywhere. Take a trip to the auto parts store. Let him feel some tire tread and look at all the shiny hubcaps.

  Find Other Dads. If you want to feel better about your brand-new life, don’t hang out with single guys. Even though you keep telling yourself their lives are empty and devoid of higher purpose, it’s hard not to get jealous of their freedom. But spend some time with other new dads, and you end up feeling much better about yourself. Drudgery loves company.

  Take Notes. Chances are that you were given one of those baby scrapbooks, and it hasn’t been filled out for at least a month. Instead, try putting up a big monthly wall calendar somewhere in your house (the kitchen is optimal). Unlike a scrapbook, you’ll always be able to find it and fill it out while holding the baby. Whenever something interesting happens, just write it down. You can also tape photos onto the pages. At the end of each month, rip off the page and store it somewhere safe for future reference.

  Looking at the calendar serves the dual purpose of reminding you that, a) no, time hasn’t been standing still, and b) embedded within the drudgery are some truly amazing and memorable moments. Savor these moments, for you will never pass this way again, at least with this child.

  Resuming a SEX Life?

  Before you start panicking about your sex life (or lack thereof) after the baby arrives, consider the following: in a recent study published in the Journal of Family Practice, at least 50% of the couples polled had resumed sex at around two months, and more than 90% of couples had hooked up by the four-month mark. So you can pretty well assume that you’ll be back in business by day 120 (with heartfelt condolences going out to the other 10%).

  Although you may feel that four months is an eternity, consider the fact that it will take you at least that long to get the memory of the birth out of your head. There’s no arguing that the birth of your baby is a miraculous event, but the experience of seeing that giant slimy head emerging from your partner’s uterus is a bit scary, as anyone who’s seen the movie Alien can attest.

  Once you’re ready, willing, and able, you’ve got to wait until your partner feels the same way. Until then, just bide your time. And it might be a good idea to get yourself a high-speed internet connection.

  Why Your Partner May Be Giving You the Cold Shoulder

  Her hormones are suppressing her sex drive, making sure she cares for this baby instead of creating a new one.

  Her body’s just, pulled off a Houdini-like feat, and is healing.

  She’s most likely been sucked, kneaded, pawed, and screamed at all day, and she may not want to be sucked, kneaded, pawed, or screamed at by anyone else for a while.

  She doesn’t fit into her clothes anymore, which can lead to fears that you don’t find her attractive. Do everything you can to convince her otherwise.

  Regreasing the Wheels

  The prepared dad knows that foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom, and it doesn’t begin right before sex.

  As soon as possible, set aside one night a week where you and your partner can be baby-free, even for just an hour or two. Go bowling, play pool, see a movie. Anything that brings even a tiny bit of balance back into your lives is good.

  Humor is a great aphrodisiac. Surprise her by writing notes on the baby’s diaper with a Sharpie, making sure that she’ll be the next one to change him, and not your mother-in-law.

  Pretend that intimacy is more important to you than sex. This may be hard to pull off, considering you’re going against millions of years of male heredity. But pressuring your partner will do you no good. So at this point, let a cuddle be an end rather than a means.

  Drop subtle hints. You can say things like, “I read somewhere that sex been shown to reduce stress and ease back and neck pain. Not only that, but it also can help your skin retain elasticity and retard the aging process. Isn’t that interesting?” By the way, all of this is true.

  If you are nearing the breaking point, you may want to ask her if she’s willing to do anything at all to help you overcome your frustration. After all, not all of her body parts are sore. In exchange, you can promise to take the baby out for an entire day so she can have time to herself. Get used to this type of bartering, as it’s an essential part of the parental dynamic.

  The Big Night

  When will she be ready to unfreeze your membership card? It’s hard to tell. Never assume that today’s the day, but always be prepared just in case.

  Be shaved and showered as often as possible.

  Have a designated shoebox where you store the lubricants (absolutely essential for post-partum sex), condoms (she can get pregnant again sooner than you think), and mood enhancers such as alcohol, candles, massage oils, favorite music, etc.

  Never, ever wake your partner for sex. It’s like taking food away from a wild animal.

  Don’t try to engage in the same room with the baby. Sixty percent of couples eventually do, but the first time back is tense enough without a grunting, shifting baby five feet away from you.

  No matter where you choose to connect, sweep the area for baby toys first, as you don’t want to roll over mid-session and activate Barney’s “I Love You” song.

  Time your escapade to coincide with your baby’s deepest sleep state, which on average starts between fifteen and twenty minutes after you put him down. But be aware that babies seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to their parents’ sexual activity, choosing the most inopportune moments to start crying. Perhaps their instincts are telling them to eliminate potential competition.

  Protecting Your BACK

  Being a guy, much of the heavy lifting is likely to fall on your shoulders (literally). Be prepared to carry the baby for long stretches of time, haul around all of his gear, bend and twist to get him in and out of the car seat, hoist the stroller out of the trunk, and occasionally pick up your partner just to prove to her that she hasn’t gotten any heavier since the pregnancy.

  Is it any wonder that in a given year at least 50% of all men experience some sort of back pain?

  Joining a gym at this point would most likely be an act of blind optimism, and could be frowned upon by your overwhelmed, under-exercised partner. This means that you’ve got to find a way to shore up your back while on the baby clock. Here are some exercises to get you started. (For video clips of proper technique, go to www.beprepared.net.)

  Sticker Twist Crunches

  Muscles Used: Abs, Obliques

  Affix a big happy face sticker (anything with a pattern will do) on your left elbow.

  Lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet on the floor.

  Place the baby against your thighs and hold him steady with your right hand, while placing your left hand slightly behind your head, fingers touching your ear.

  As you breathe out, slowly bring your left elbow toward the baby until your shoulder comes off the floor. Try to bring the sticker about twelve inches away from the baby’s face.

  Hold for three seconds while squeezing your abs, and then breathe in as you lower your back down to the floor.

  Repeat, and then switch elbows.

  Start out with two sets of ten reps each.

  Car Seat Bends

  Muscles Used: Obliques

  Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart and your back straight.

  Hold the car seat or carrier (with the baby strapped in) in your left hand. Place your right hand on your waist.

  Slowly bend to the left
as far as you can go, and then slowly return to starting position.

  Start out with two sets of ten reps on each arm.

  In this exercise, you are using the baby as a dumbbell.

  Carrier Wall Slides

  Muscles Used: Back, Hips, Quadriceps

  With your baby in the front carrier, stand with your back against a wall and your feet shoulder-width apart.

  Slide down the wall until your knees are bent at a 45-to 60-degree angle. Keep your abdominals tight.

  Count to five and slide back up.

  Start with two sets of five to ten reps each and slowly increase the reps and duration of each rep. This exercise gets much more difficult as the baby grows.

  Circuit Training Your BABY

  Hanging out with the baby and looking for a good way to kill half an hour? Try setting up all of his apparatus in the living room and have him do a little circuit training. The baby will get his first taste of a gym workout, and you can be his personal trainer, shuffling him from station to station and shouting out “All you! All you!” as you put him through his paces.

  In the adult world, circuit training is a series of exercises, normally done on machines, designed to give you a quick and effective full-body workout. The baby circuit works the same way. When your baby has completed the circuit, he’ll have developed his muscles, coordination, and balance. Keep up the routine and you’ll have the buffest baby in the sandbox.

  As you’re setting up the stations, keep in mind that you don’t want to repeat similar exercises back-to-back. You want to give those mini-muscles some time to rest between sets. Spend about five minutes at each station, and take a short break in between. And if your small fry starts to get restless before you’ve completed the circuit, preempt the workout and go straight to the cool down. Those buns of steel will have to wait until next time.

  The Exersaucer is a two-tiered contraption with a round base and a cloth seat. Babies are positioned upright, which helps develop core muscles (abs and back).

  Tethering EVERYTHING to the Baby

  Throwing things must be intensely satisfying for babies—watching the object disappear, hearing the thud/splat, catching Dad’s animated reaction, and then seeing it reappear on the horizon.

  Until you find a way to batten down everything in the baby’s immediate vicinity, you’ll have to deal with his tendency to throw or drop everything he touches. Bottles and pacifiers covered in dirt, toys abandoned in mall parking lots, and bowls of cereal splattered all over the kitchen floor. You’ll also have a sore back from playing the “I throw it, you pick it up” game.

  The good news is there are many different fastening options available (see below), and pretty much every object can be secured either to the baby or whatever contraption he happens to be inhabiting at the moment.

  A word of caution: If you are thinking about making your own cords, keep in mind that anything over five inches long is considered a strangulation hazard.

  GERMS AND THE FIVE-SECOND RULE

  The Five-Second Rule states that if the baby drops something on the floor and you pick it up within five seconds, the object is not yet officially “dirty.” However, once you have passed the five-second mark, washing becomes necessary.

  Although never clinically proven, the Five-Second Rule has been accepted as gospel by fathers all over the world. In general, moms tend to be more vigilant when it comes to cleanliness, but there’s reason to believe that a more relaxed approach may not be such a bad thing (within reason, of course). Here are some arguments for leniency:

  The Third Child. It’s common knowledge that parents get lazier and lazier with each child, and by the third, very little sterilization is going on. As one dad put it, “When our first dropped the pacifier, I’d run it under soap and water before giving it back to him. With our second, I’d wipe it off on my shirt. With the third, I just kick it back to him.” Yet these third children seem to turn out just as healthy and robust as their more sanitized siblings.

  Germs Aren’t Everywhere. An informal study done at the University of Illinois tested dozens of locations around campus—the cafeteria, the library, in front of vending machines—and found the numbers of bacteria on the floor were remarkably low in all locations. To test the Five-Second Rule, they had to spread E. coli bacteria on floor tiles and drop food directly on them. And, yes, the food was contaminated within five seconds. So the lesson here is this: If your baby drops something into a pile of poop, don’t give it back to him, no matter how quickly you pick it up.

  How Germs Spread. Most babies get their germs the old-fashioned way—from other babies. Day care centers, playgrounds, those rooms full of rubber balls—they are all basically giant petri dishes where babies swap microbes. You can try to control where he plays and who he plays with, but usually by the time a parent knows their kid is sick, yours has already been exposed.

  Your Time. If you were to sterilize something every time your baby dropped it, you’d have no time to actually interact with him.

  TEMPERATURE Taking Tactics

  There’s no fun and easy way to take your baby’s temperature. You can try:

  the ear thermometer, which can be wildly inaccurate, especially for very young babies,

  the armpit method, which is a bit more reliable, but the readings can be consistently low,

  the hand-on-the-forehead technique, which will give you a general idea, or

  the rectal thermometer, by far the most accurate but humiliating method. Hopefully the baby will block this from memory.

  If you’re going to take the rectal route, be sure to purchase a flexible digital rectal thermometer, as opposed to the old-fashioned glass thermometer, which could possibly break. Sterilize it with alcohol, rinse it with warm water, dry it off, and then slather some baby-safe lubricant onto the tip.

  How do you keep the baby still while taking his temperature? Obviously this process is easier with your partner’s help. But in case you are flying solo, here is a dad-proven technique for holding your baffled, uncomfortable baby steady during the occupation:

  Place two pillows on top of one another on the floor, and lay a towel over the pillows.

  Take off the baby’s diaper and lay him facedown so that his stomach is on top of the pillows. Spread his cheeks and insert the thermometer about an inch deep.

  Hold the thermometer in place by laying your hand flush against your baby’s buttocks with the thermometer in between the index and middle fingers. This way if the baby bucks, your hand and the thermometer will move with him.

  Use the other hand to animate a stuffed animal, making it dance around, sing, talk to the baby, whatever it takes.

  Most digital thermometers beep when the temperature has been successfully ascertained. Check the results, apologize profusely to the baby, and, if necessary, take appropriate action.

  Treating a Fever

  A fever by itself isn’t the best, gauge of a baby’s health. Behavior changes—listlessness, crankiness, non-stop crying—are even better indicators of a sick baby and should be dealt with by calling the pediatrician.

  Regarding a fever, here are some general guidelines:

  Some common fever-reducing tactics include anti-fever medication, lukewarm baths, cool compresses, and plenty of fluids.

  Getting Medicine into a BABY

  If you want to earn your stripes as a dad, you’ve got to become a first-class medicine giver. This will involve smarts, stamina, and, at times, outright treachery, as the baby will almost surely put up resistance.

  Some ways to get the medicine down:

  Turn It into a Game. “See—medicine is fun!” Take turns “feeding” the meds to your partner, yourself, a staffed animal, and then baby.

  Mask the Taste. Some medicines can be mixed with food or frozen (check with the pharmacist). Stir it into a bowl of applesauce or mix it with a small amount of milk in the baby’s bottle. Freeze it (dulling its taste), and pour chocolate syrup on top of it. If you’re using a syringe or d
ropper, try rolling it around in a bowl of sugar.

  Bypass the Buds. Using a dropper or syringe, aim for the area between the cheek and lower gum, toward the back (see left). If you are lucky, the medicine may just slide right down his throat without incident.

  Resort to Deceit. If you are desperate, you can try the Trojan horse method—a modified pacifier that, once inside baby’s mouth, squirts medicine. But be warned: he may get very upset by this betrayal, as the pacifier was one of the few reliable things in his life. You can also feed the baby ice cream, and after five or six bites, when his mouth’s open wide, quickly shoot in a stream of medicine followed by a quick spoonful of ice cream. He may not know what hit him.

  Change Flavors, Strengths, or Forms. Medicines come in a multitude of flavors, so if one doesn’t work, try another. Some prescriptions come in different strengths. Always opt for the stronger dosage, because that means you’ll have to give the baby less of it. Or you may be able to bypass the mouth entirely if suppositories are available.

  MEDICINE AND THE ORNERY BABY

  Some babies just don’t know what’s good for them. Since there’s no choice but to get the medicine down, you may have to resort to the steer rustler technique: