All or Nothing

by Riina YT

  “Come on, Rem. Let’s get going.” He shouldered my backpack and flashed me a confident smile. Carter knew he had me. Smug bastard. “We’re both gonna catch our death if we linger much longer. My fingers are already icicles.” He wriggled said fingers, making me laugh.

  This was my only chance for a ride home, and if I wanted to make it in time for Christmas, I better get my shit together and act like the adult I supposedly was. Like the adult I tried so hard to be. I groaned inwardly. Okay, I could be civil. Friendly even. Yes, absolutely.

  The wind whipped around us, and I wiped at the quickly melting snow blowing against my face, blinking more flakes out of my eyes. Carter’s smile fell away and was replaced by a frown that tugged at my heartstrings. Dammit all to hell. I’d regret it until my last breath if I dismissed this chance of spending time with Carter, getting to know him better.

  My voice shook as I said, “We can split the driving and money for gas.”

  Carter’s gaze softened and he exhaled, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. My throat tightened and my head spun, but I couldn’t have been more relieved to see the smile reappear on his pink lips.

  “There you go. That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Carter flashed me a grin over his shoulder and started walking across the parking lot.

  “Wait a second!” I shouted after him. My cheeks burned, and I spurred into action. Fast as I could I locked and covered up the motorbike, slipping only once, then followed Carter.

  He hadn’t gotten far when I reached him, stopping him with a hand on his arm. “We need to head back to my room first.” When all I got was a raised eyebrow, I let out a breath and added, “I’m not going anywhere dressed like this. No way I’m gonna spend the next few hours in my biking gear when I can wear more comfortable clothes.”

  “All right, sure.” Carter chuckled. “Lead the way, then.”

  ♥

  Chapter Two

  Carter

  Holy frozen shitballs.

  Try as I might, I couldn’t stop staring at Remmy. His hair had gone freaking turquoise overnight! I’d seen him at Rock’s, the coffee shop near campus, yesterday morning, and it’d still been the same strawberry blond then, peppered with streaks of bleached white-blond, exactly like it’d been for months.

  Unlocking my gray Volkswagen, I walked around to pop the trunk for his bag. I was still staring when Remmy slammed it closed and frowned at me from across the vehicle, his hands on his hips and his head cocked to the side.

  Turquoise! Of all the things… I hadn’t expected to see him looking like, like… I wasn’t quite sure. The vibrant color didn’t make him look like one of those toy trolls; no, the trolls were kinda freaky and Remmy was…cute as hell. The light, blue-green was kind of cool actually; making his amber eyes sort of pop and the gold flecks more visible. Daring as hell, I admired his dramatic flair. Remmy certainly had balls.

  I couldn’t make out the rest of his hairstyle; was it this color all over? It had to be buzzed in the back as usual. We’d stopped by his dorm for him to change into something casual, but he’d made me wait outside, so I hadn’t gotten a peek yet. I was wandering up and down the hall when he caught up with me, his motorcycle helmet replaced by a white knit beanie with black panda ears. As if he couldn’t get any more adorable.

  “Are you really okay with this? Me tagging along?” Remmy’s deep voice cut through my thoughts, and when our eyes met, I gave him a reassuring smile. He pulled at the corners of his hat and scrunched up his nose, as if it was itchy. “If you changed your mind, you can still tell me to kiss off, you know, and I will.”

  “Nonsense. You’re from Connecticut, right?” I asked, watching as Remmy bent forward, shoving a small laptop case onto the back seat. The tight jeans he had changed into fit him just as nicely as the black leather biking pants had, clinging to his bubble butt like a second skin.

  “Yep, New London.” Remmy resurfaced and quietly closed the car door. My grin—I couldn’t help it—earned me a shy smile and, feeling encouraged, I went on.

  “Perfect. That’s on the way. I’ll just drop you off at your place. No biggie.” Remmy didn’t need to know I hadn’t planned on going anywhere, Christmas holidays or not. He also didn’t need to know I basically had nowhere to go; until I graduated, my dorm was my home. Then? I had no clue, but I could worry about all of that later.

  “If you’re sure.” Remmy touched one hand to his left ear, two of his fingers brushing the edge of his hat. His skin was flushed, likely from the cold. The wind whipped around us stronger now, throwing icy snow into our faces, making conversation more difficult and unpleasant.

  The way he was watching me, with squinted eyes and a suspicious look on his face, told me he wasn’t yet convinced accepting my offer would be a good idea. Like he thought it came with a price or some sort of counteroffer. Which was ridiculous. I simply wanted to get him home in one piece. I was stunned he might think so little of me.

  “Absolutely,” I assured him. “As I said, wouldn’t want you to end up in a ditch somewhere and get yourself dead.” I tried to go with a bit of humor, sending another hopeful smile his way, but he only huffed and averted his eyes. I had to admit, it wasn’t my best shot.

  Was the idea of going somewhere with me so awful?

  My stomach sank at the thought of Remmy dreading my company, making me feel queasy. I hated the idea of him preferring hitchhiking with a stranger than coming along with me. True, we didn’t have the closest of relationships, yet, but I’d thought of us as friends nonetheless.

  “Okay. Cool,” Remmy mumbled, jaw set tight. His gaze flicked to the top of my head. “Thanks,” he added so quietly it was almost lost to the wind.

  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. Remmy must be in a bad mood. I’d never seen him be anything but kind and polite. Shy and quiet yes, but never rude.

  When I’d come across his Facebook post, my first thought was I had to catch up with him before he could leave campus on his bike. Everyone knew he and that death trap were inseparable. There hadn’t been any doubt in my mind he’d ride the thing in any wind and weather, and I hated the idea. I’d do anything humanly possible to ensure Remmy would get home safe and sound—something I didn’t quite trust his motorcycle to accomplish even in good weather conditions. I had to admit, whether I liked it or not, Remmy was a damn good rider —I’d seen him with my own eyes—but the winter roads could be extremely dangerous. It might not be my place to say anything, but I would never forgive myself if something happened to him when I could’ve prevented it.

  I’d been certain this would be the perfect chance for us to get to know each other better. We weren’t close so this defensive behavior was unexpected and threw me for a loop. Taking a deep breath, I shook off all negative thoughts, determined not to let my worries show.

  “Hey, listen, Remmy.” I waited until our eyes met. “I feel like we’re not on the same page here. I need you to know that you owe me absolutely nothing for this, all right? I just wanna help out a friend.”

  He was quiet, staring out the window on his side for a long moment then, so long in fact I resigned myself to not getting an answer at all. My heart sank all the way to my toes, and I was frantically searching for something else to say, to somehow set things right, but I had no clue where to begin.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but words left me when I caught sight of a hesitant but genuine smile, one I’d seen so many times before, accompanied by a small “All right. Thanks.” A pause. “I appreciate it.”

  Hope bloomed in me, and the corners of my own mouth lifted as well. The sensation of a weight being lifted off my chest was immediate, and it surprised me how much easier I could breathe.

  “You’ll be doing me a favor, really,” I said because talking usually soothed my nerves. “Road trips by yourself can get boring. I’m thankful for the company.”

  I thought back to that sunny morning I’d noticed Remmy outside on campus for the first time, and
then hours later at the first frat party of the school year. All night I’d felt his gaze on me and could’ve sworn what I saw in those pools of liquid honey lined with jet-black kohl was a lot more intimate than the casual glimpses I usually got from classmates and friends. And ever since, his glances held so much more—admiration, fear, longing, mystery, and promise. I hated myself a thousand times over for not having the guts to approach him in a way that couldn’t be interpreted as anything else but “Hey, I think you’re adorable, and we should get together some time.”

  “Hey, do you want to get something to eat around here? Before we leave town?”

  “I’m not hungry.” Remmy said sharply but instantly grimaced. Like he hadn’t meant to snap at me.

  My hope shattered so fast it made me dizzy. Remmy didn’t even look at me.

  A milder tone followed as he said, “Thanks though,” softening the blow a little.

  “Okay.” So maybe it wasn’t going to be the bonding trip I’d hoped for, but I was determined not to let my mood go downhill because something had apparently crawled up Remmy’s ass and died a pitiful death. I fastened my seat belt, checked the rearview mirror, and started the engine. The snow was falling lightly, not sticking on the roads. It would probably be icy, and I prayed we wouldn’t run into anything worse on our way. Winter had never been my favorite time of year, especially not for driving.

  Remmy caught my gaze as he buckled up, like he wanted to say something but remained silent. The air was cold, the heat slowly increasing as I switched to max, and the increasing flush of color looked good on him.

  After a beat, Remmy said, “Sorry, it’s been a stressful day and I’m exhausted.” I appreciated his apology, and my heart pinched a little. He blew out a long breath and straightened up, muttering a curse clearly not meant for my ears. He hunched forward in his seat—another wince—and settled the backpack between his feet.

  “I understand,” I said and dropped my phone into the cupholder. Spotify was already filling the car with some pop song from my recent playlist. “Change the music whenever you want. Or find something you’d like to listen to. I don’t mind.”

  “Got it. Whatever is okay.” Remmy didn’t look my way, which was more disappointing than it should’ve been. Lately, there was nothing more I wanted than to know what made Remington Belotti tick.

  On any given day, his presence alone would have sent my heart into overdrive and my pulse pounding, but I’d never been so completely out of my element as right now. How would we manage several hours crammed into my tiny Volkswagen if we couldn’t even have a normal conversation?

  The night was still young, as they say, and maybe he’d warm up to me eventually. That gave me new hope, and the possibility of this trip not turning into one major disaster, gave me another push. Remmy might just be really, really shy. For what it was worth, I was relieved he wouldn’t be heading into the quickly arriving night on his motorcycle.

  Neither of us spoke as I navigated out of the parking lot and headed for the slowly thickening traffic ahead.

  ♥

  Chapter Three

  Remmy

  Carter had never been part of my plan. I was never supposed to notice him, never meant to develop a “thing” for him either. We probably had nothing in common. Logic told me I should give up on hoping Carter would see me. I should’ve stopped pining after him a long time ago. Unfortunately, I couldn’t turn off my soul’s reaction to the guy. Carter was like this bright supernova I couldn’t ignore, try as I might.

  Carter made me feel intimidated and giddy and, for whatever reason, a bit touchy and defensive, as previously proved. My heart was racing and my palms sweaty. He was so different, and so, so mesmerizing. I couldn’t pin down what exactly it was about him that had me so on edge, but I was never far from losing my shit when he was close.

  He didn’t do theater, never played in a band, and wasn’t a star athlete, though he played soccer with the guys on occasion. Carter more than looked the part, with his honey-colored hair, always cut short and gelled into a piece of art. His profile was like a pharaoh’s erotic dream. He was attractively tall and, dare I say, majestic, with broad shoulders, a strong chest, and slender waist. I was skinny as a fence post, had no muscles whatsoever, slightly shorter and overall less eye-catching. I sometimes played with the idea of wearing shoulder pads in my jackets, which would probably look ridiculous. I wasn’t quite that eccentric. At least not deliberately.

  “Hey, Remmy?” Carter spoke quietly, and I turned to look at him. It hadn’t been more than twenty random-pop-song-filled minutes or so since we’d pulled out of the campus parking lot, but I hadn’t been able to say anything nice to him, and he’d tried so hard to engage me in meaningless chitchat. I sucked at small talk and not just with Carter. I could discuss History & Trends of Crime in the United States on any given day but talking about the weather made my mind go blank and my palms sweaty.

  When our eyes met, my stomach swooped. Why have I been such an ass to him? I had no valid reason to treat Carter the way I did. Time to change my attitude.

  I said, “Yeah?” and he went on, his tone light and easy. “Did I do something wrong? I mean, I didn’t say anything that might’ve offended you, right? I don’t think so.” He paused. “Do you have a problem with me?”

  My stomach dropped. Yeah, it was definitely time to grow a pair and put a stop to my unreasonable behavior. There was no grudge to be held. I guess I always just assumed he wouldn’t want to be friends with me since he’d never made any attempt to talk to me privately before. But then again, neither had I.

  But what about the time he’d laughed at you? Sure, that party was stupid anyway, and people did dumb things when they were drinking, things they regretted later, but even so…it’d hurt.

  He squinted out the window, focused on the traffic ahead. “I, uh, I thought we’d get along quite well if we spent some time together. Everyone speaks highly of you, you know? You seem like such an easygoing guy.”

  Carter wanted to hang out with me? My heart started racing, which was utterly foolish, of course. Boyfriend, remember? We could be friends though, of course, and I told myself I only imagined the twinge of disappointment.

  “No, I don’t have a problem with you, Carter.” I tried to come up with an easy smile, but gave up when he didn’t look my way. He sounded sincere, like he honestly believed we could be friends. I had to admit, after all, that sounded pretty damn good to me too. “Honestly. I swear on a stack of bibles,” I assured him. “We’re good.”

  “Good.” He looked at me then and in a tone of relief said, “I’m glad.” I liked how Carter’s smile lit up his face. “I assume there’s nothing stopping us from getting along like we should’ve from the start?” His eyebrows were raised, his voice at the edge of teasing.

  “Yep, not a thing,” I agreed. Nodding lightly, I swept my tongue across my bottom lip without thinking. Being friends with Carter? I wanted that. My heart wasn’t being fooled so easily; it was still set on him, but I’d do my best to ignore the relentless tugging and pulling. “I really do appreciate your help.”

  “Great,” he enthused, smiling easily. “I’m relieved; you have no idea.” A laugh. “And in case you didn’t know, I like you, Remmy. Let’s make it a good trip, yeah?”

  “You do?” My head whipped around. That was the last thing I’d expected to hear. He…liked me? What exactly did he mean by that? And who on earth says those kinds of things out loud in real life?

  “Of course I like you, dumbass. Why wouldn’t I?” His top lip curled just enough to make his right cheek dimple, and I melted a little inside. Didn’t even care about him calling me dumbass. “People like you, Remmy. Like being around you. I mean, when they’re not on your shit list.” He grinned and returned his attention to the slow-going traffic ahead. “I’ve heard you can be quite the prankster. To mention only one, the snake in Susan’s salad was legendary.”

  Carter laughed and my cheeks burned like I’d been set on fire.
I quickly averted my eyes. Outside the snow continued to dance, city lights flickered as we drove past.

  “She deserved it too,” I mumbled, making Carter laugh harder. She didn’t. Susan was a nice girl, but it had been a dare, and I could never say no to a dare. More heat crawled up my neck all the way to my ears.

  “Oh, and the soggy toilet paper roll that looked like a pile of poop? That was priceless.”

  “Ahmed still hates me for it.” Some people could dish it out but didn’t like to be on the receiving end of a prank. I snickered at the memory of Ahmed’s face when he thought someone had taken a dump on his bed. All was well once established it was fake. Everyone had been surprised I’d been the one to put it there. It hadn’t been a dare; I simply wanted to do something fun so badly, and even if it had taken me all the courage in the universe, I’d pulled it off nicely. And I wasn’t afraid of Ahmed’s reaction; he was a cool guy, always friendly to me. I was still waiting for some form of revenge to be honest.

  When I stretched once again, my shirt rubbed against my sore, recently pierced nipples. I hissed at the pinching sensation, which caused goose bumps to ripple down my arms. I should’ve picked out something lighter and much softer to wear.

  You’ll never learn, doofus.

  I constantly forgot how much the rough texture of a thick woolen pullover still hurt and itched. I took small comfort in the fact Carter saved me from riding my bike like this; my leather gear and the heavy layers of clothing would have rubbed me goddamn raw.

  “You okay?” Carter asked when I winced for the third or fourth time. Great. He must’ve noticed. He’s gonna think I’m a fucking basket case.

  “Yeah, sure. All good.” My throat tightened. “You have cool seat belt covers,” I added lamely, trying to divert his attention. Although, they were pretty cool: black leather with a white skull print on the upper end.

  “Thanks,” Carter said, setting the blinker for the upcoming turn. He didn’t hide his amusement at my odd remark very well, the slight pitch to his voice giving him away. I smiled to myself, keeping my eyes in front of me.