All or Nothing

by Riina YT

  I let my fingers dance along the length of the leather cover, liking the coolness of the smooth fabric underneath my fingertips. It was a nice touch I hadn’t seen before. Man, I’d want some of these if I had a car. Maybe I could get Mom some, with flowers or something more feminine. Didn’t think she’d appreciate the skulls much.

  Mom! Remembering her unanswered texts, I pulled out my mobile and fired off a quick reply, letting her know I was on the road now. I even told her the change in plans and assured her not to worry, I’d be home soon. Her response was immediate, as if she’d been waiting with the phone in her hands. I guessed it wasn’t difficult to imagine. I smiled as I read the small black letters on the lighted background.

  Remington! Finally decided to answer your old mother? I was worried sick!

  A heartbeat later a second message came in.

  Can’t wait to see you again! Have a safe trip, love.

  I told her: Thx. See you soon <3

  Then I shoved my phone back into my jacket and turned to Carter.

  “So, uh, what’s new with you?” I asked and he excitedly told me all about some charity indoor soccer match he’d been part of a couple weekends ago. I leaned back into the seat and relaxed properly for the first time. Closing my eyes, I let Carter’s intoxicating voice wash over me.

  When we were an hour and a half into our journey, our now surprisingly effortless conversations were circling around our plans for next summer, his recent art project—something I learned he did for fun—and friends we had in common. I learned we shared more than a few things, like we followed the same guys doing video game and anime fanart on Instagram, bands and singers on Twitter, and watched the same gaming channels on YouTube and Twitch. I was relieved at how easily we removed the tension between us. Like, BAM! We were friends now. Weren’t we? We were definitely on the right track.

  “I am Groot,” Carter said out of the blue. And for once I didn’t have to dig too deep through my memories to get the reference. He’d thrown a bunch of random movie quotes at me, but not being a movie buff, I didn’t get all of them.

  “Well that’s just as fascinating as the first eighty-nine times you told me so,” I said, and Carter cracked up.

  “Nothing beats Guardians of the Galaxy, man.”

  “Nothing?”

  “Absolutely. Nothing.” Carter smirked. “I love that Racoon!”

  “Rocket.” I grinned. “Yeah, he’s awesome.” That earned me a quirk of Carter’s lips and a dimple. I liked this. Us, chatting, getting to know how each other spent our free time, what movies we last watched or which musicians we’d like to see live in concert one day. I loved knowing Carter liked to draw and played soccer since he could walk but stopped after graduating high school to focus on his education. How adult of him! I admired his drive and focus on the things that mattered to him. I don’t easily bond with people, so I was surprised how effortless the past hour had been. Who would’ve thought Carter and I would click this well, given the chance? Once I let myself relax, let his voice wash over me, it was unusually easy to give as good as I got, conversation-wise. I was totally digging the vibes humming between us.

  Carter reached for the cupholders, where he’d stuffed a plastic bag of Twizzlers, and took two, holding them out for me. I accepted one and smiled to myself as I munched away on the red candy stick. It was adorable how much he liked them—maybe as much as I liked gummy bears?

  After a beat, Carter asked, “What brought you to Allentown?” while keeping an eye on the traffic ahead.

  “My family, I guess.” I was still working up the courage to ask the million dollar “Where is your boyfriend?” question that had been banging around my head like a ping pong ball. “My parents and I have always been unnaturally close. I mean, almost freakishly so. Growing up, Mom’s always been my best friend. She can be surprisingly strict when she wants to be. I never got away with anything. She’s also overly protective when it comes to me for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I need more protecting than my sisters and baby brother. But who even knows with parents, right?” It was the most private detail we’d shared so far. I glanced at Carter, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.

  “Anyway, when my uncle Angelo and his family moved to Allentown a few years ago to open up an Italian restaurant, Mom made sure I’d pick a school close enough so someone in our family could watch over me.” I snorted, tugging at my seat belt to relieve some of the pressure. Those damn piercings were so fucking itchy.

  “That’s cool. Your family sounds great.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t mind, you know. I just wanted to go to college, get my degree in sociology, and anyplace seemed good enough to me. Though, I have to admit I chose moving to Pennsylvania over staying in Connecticut for the adventure of striking out on my own. I’m positively surprised how good the courses and teachers at Muhlenberg are.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate having family close in case of an emergency, and I liked hanging out at their restaurant. Unfortunately for me, they’d gone to visit my uncle’s wife’s relatives a week prior or else I could’ve maybe hitched a ride with them. “So, yeah. Here I am, I guess.”

  “Here you are,” murmured Carter, his voice low and musing. I glanced his way, admiring his profile for the longest moment. His brows were furrowed in concentration, his eyes tracking the city traffic ahead. Outside, the snow was falling faster now, blanketing everything with powdery white, sparkling under the streetlights on the sidewalk.

  “What about you?” I asked, slightly mesmerized by the way his tongue kept darting out, wetting his lips. Lips, so full and sensuous. Lips I wanted to caress with my finger, cover with my mouth. I groaned internally. Here we were having a good, innocent conversation about school and family, and I was getting turned on, perving on the guy who swept in and saved my scrawny ass from freezing to death on my bike.

  “I moved to Allentown with Tamara and Brian. They’ve been my best friends forever, the real deal. We grew up together and all. I couldn’t imagine leaving them behind or being left behind, and I literally had nothing better in sight. Tam had her mind set on Muhlenberg because that’s where Connor, her then boyfriend, went. And you know Brian—he can’t function without his sister.”

  “Right.” I nodded, watching the startling winter scenery passing by. I didn’t know either Tamara or Brian very well, but I’d seen the twins around all the time. “So, you tagged along?”

  “Pretty much, yeah.” He bobbed his head to “What Christmas Means to Me” playing on the radio, singing along every now and then, and I’d never appreciated the cheesy Christmas song more than right this moment. My cheeks were warming, my chest tingling, and I was tempted to sing along when I hadn’t sung in forever. I didn’t even know the lyrics…

  Wait, there is something important you have to ask! Inhaling deeply, but quietly, I turned around, missing Carter’s gaze across the console. “So, how come you’re not spending the holidays with Travis? Or, oh, wait—are you picking him up at his place? Is he meeting you somewhere?” Had he left campus earlier in the week, by himself? I hadn’t seen him around recently. But then, neither had I seen Carter until today.

  Why hadn’t I thought of that possibility before? I hoped Carter would drop me off before I had to share the car with both of them. I was so stupid. I didn’t even know where Carter was headed or what his plans for the holidays were.

  “Uh, no. We’re not going to spend Christmas together,” Carter stalled for a moment, which took me by surprise, but it was nothing compared to what he said next. “Travis and I broke up.”

  “You did? I had no idea.” I straightened in my seat. Well, shit. That was unexpected. I stared at the beat-up green VW camper van ahead of us. “I’m sorry,” I offered lamely, almost like an afterthought, and hoped Carter wouldn’t look my way and see I wasn’t all that sorry.

  “It’s okay. Don’t be.” Then Carter surprised me once more by adding, “I’m not.” He spoke easily, like Travis had been the last thing on his
mind. “I’m not sorry, I mean. I don’t regret my decision. Our breakup was long overdue.”

  “How come? Hope you don’t mind me asking, but you two looked so good together.”

  And they truly had. The first picture popping into my head was the two of them at Kristy’s pre-semester pool party, with their arms around each other, looking mesmerizing in the afternoon sun and so…in love. A picture I secretly resented but had to admit was a work of art. Travis, dark-haired and blue-eyed, was a football star, high and mighty attitude, but unquestionably alluring. They were made for each other, or so I’d thought.

  For a moment, Carter caught my gaze and grinned, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I don’t think that’s what makes a relationship work, you know? Looking good together.” He straightened, gripping the steering wheel with both hands as he navigated us through the slow-going traffic. We were now in New York, nearing the Hudson River, and more and more cars appeared seemingly out of thin air.

  “No, of course not. I know that.” I huffed, staring at the rapidly moving wipers, working faster now as the snow was coming down in a white flurry. Abstractedly, I let my fingers brush along my chest, holding back a small wince, then twirled the string of my coat around them, tugging as I struggled to find the words. “I meant the two of you always looked happy, like you never had a fight in your life. You were like the picture-perfect couple of the entire campus. Even the straight kids were jealous of Travis and you.”

  Carter slowed the car, adjusting speed as the traffic in front of us came to a halt at a jammed intersection. “Did it really seem that way to you?” He shook his head, and then briefly looked at me before turning his attention back to the busy road.

  “Oh, definitely,” I admitted with an awkward chuckle, feeling heat crawl up my neck and ears. “I am…was…one of those jealous kids. I mean, jealous of what you two had. I wanted…something like that too. Still do…I mean…everyone does.” I stammered awkwardly and shrugged it off, like it didn’t matter, as if my heart and soul didn’t still ache for Carter like it had every day for over a year.

  Carter, who was so close right now, but still out of reach. There was no way he’d be interested in me simply because Travis was out of the picture, right? They could’ve split up today for all I knew, and wow, wouldn’t that make me the world’s saddest rebound? If anything were to actually happen, of course. Hypothetically.

  But what if Carter liking me was within the realms of possibility? I mean, I wasn’t such a bad guy, right? I quite liked myself. I just never knew what, or who people thought of when they looked at me. I didn’t mind how everyone could apparently tell I was different, but whether they saw “the gay” or “the weird” was still a mystery to me. Sometimes, I was certain they took one look and simply thought: “crazy.”

  Which was fine too. I dressed the way I did simply because I liked it, not because I wanted to make a fashion statement or stand out. Yes, I adored stylish clothes, sometimes something a little outrageous; I simply needed a little color here and there, and liked a touch of makeup. Black liner never hurt anyone.

  People didn’t get it, and that was okay. Only because I dyed my hair to get rid of the boring chestnut brown, added blond highlights, or hues of reds and blues didn’t mean it was okay to label me a Punk or Rebel of some sort. I wasn’t part of the Goths or Emos either, and I’d never attended a theater group in my life. Not that there was anything wrong with those things, I was simply me. And I liked to live on the colorful side of things.

  I might be skinny as a stick—there was barely an ounce of fat on my body—but I never thought of myself as feminine. Unfortunately, I was also as graceful as an elephant on ice skates. My voice was deep and manly; I couldn’t sing for shit; and I hadn’t sounded cute since I was seven, according to my mom. I had to shave on a daily basis if I didn’t want to end up with stubble like a scrub brush, which I didn’t. I liked my skin nice and smooth.

  But hell, the way some people stared, I might as well be from Mars.

  The only time it ever mattered, apparently, was now. What did he see when he looked at me? Did he, too, think I was weird? Was that why he’d never approached me before?

  “We’ve been together on and off, as you probably know. It took me a while to realize Travis and I don’t have much in common.” Carter’s voice startled me. He went on, oblivious of my whirring thoughts, “We didn’t get along so well when it was only the two of us. Not all the time, I mean. You know how he likes to put on a show for everyone? He worries about his looks too much, whether he ate right or worked out enough. It was maddening. Sure, we had many good days; it wasn’t all bad. I don’t know, it was just more frustrating than exciting and never…fulfilling? Yeah, I guess that’s what I was missing—a feeling of rightness. I didn’t want to continue that way.”

  I nodded, mind reeling, contemplating everything he’d told me. “Guess this sort of thing happens more often than you’d think.”

  Funny how I’d been so sure Carter and Travis were it when it came to relationship goals. As we crawled along, I tried to distract myself by counting the red cars—why red I had no idea—and willed my mind not to return to Carter’s failed relationship, but it didn’t work. What had he missed that Travis hadn’t been able or willing to give? Something he could find in me?

  After a long pause, Carter said, “Are you…seeing anyone?”

  “Me? Uh, no. I’m not much of a relationship person.” I closed my eyes, willing the guilt I was still feeling to finally go away. “The only time I came close enough was—it’s been a while. I met Jesse around June; then we kind of dated over the summer.”

  It wasn’t like me to jump into a relationship with someone I didn’t think would work out before we even had our first kiss. I hadn’t been in one, actually, before going out with Jesse. He made me feel good about myself, wanted, desired, but I hadn’t felt the same about him. Everyone always told me love takes time, so I thought I should give it a try, maybe I’d fall madly in love with Jesse after a while. Needless to say, it didn’t happen. I’d kept him at arm's length when he clearly wanted there to be more between us than a forgettable summer fling.

  “‘Kind of dated’?” Carter asked, and I couldn’t tell whether he sounded more amused or confused. Probably both in equal measures.

  A brief gaze. Our eyes met for a split second. I held my breath for no other reason than me getting embarrassed all over again.

  “Yeah, you know…” I shrugged, my cheeks flaming. “It was…casual.”

  “Like an open relationship?”

  “No, nothing like that.” Why is this so embarrassing to talk about? I was glad I didn't have to look Carter in the eyes. “We were exclusive, I guess. I mean, we didn’t make any promises, like, you know, we’d be getting married someday or have something equally committed?” Jesus. This conversation had reached a whole new level of awkward. “We were committed to each other for the time we were together. I’m not into the whole sharing thing, I think?” Just the thought of having to share Carter—if he was my boyfriend—made my stomach twist with jealousy.

  “Okay.” Carter stared ahead, his entire focus on the cars and the falling snow. I couldn’t read his reaction and didn’t know what I wanted it to be. I was way out of my element here, always getting embarrassed and tongue-tied or stumbling over my own words like English was too much for my brain to handle.

  “It was obvious early on that we didn’t want the same out of the relationship.” Why do I still feel guilty? It wasn’t as if I used Jesse, even if it feels like I somehow did.

  My heart was pounding away, and I couldn’t decide whether I was more embarrassed or nervous. Would he judge me? But Carter only stared out the window for a long moment, his head bobbing to yet another cheesy Christmas song.

  “Um, have I met her?” He asked carefully, his eyes darting from the road ahead to me and back. The traffic had sped up again, and Carter was extremely gentle with the gas. “Jesse? I can’t recall a Jesse— Oh, that friend of T
om Coleman’s? The tall blonde with the nose ring? No, I think her name’s Lizzy.”

  “Huh? Oh.” Did Carter think Jesse was a girl? Why the hell would he think that? “No. Jesse, he”—I emphasized Jesse’s gender—“doesn’t go to our school. He did deliveries, pizza and such, over the summer at Uncle Angelo’s restaurant.” I willed my pounding heart to stop before it finally tore my ribcage apart.

  “I, uh, don’t do girlfriends,” I added when Carter stayed quiet, like maybe he hadn’t gotten the message, and I stupidly needed to make sure he did. My neck and face were burning, tingling uncomfortably. “At all. Never have. I mean, I thought everyone knew?” I added because, well, I didn’t think I’d been secretive about my orientation. He couldn’t have missed the memo, could he?

  A quick look my way. “Huh. Really?” Carter said, his breath barely carrying the short word’s letters. His gaze was fixed on the traffic again, his jaw set tight. What is going through in his mind?

  “Oh yeah. I’ve been out since I can remember. You’re not actually surprised, are you?” I asked, feeling suddenly much bolder.

  “Maybe. I don’t know. There’s a thing people call bisexuality,” Carter teased, and I was strangely relieved at the change in his demeanor. “Plus, I saw you kiss Kristy. On the lips.” He grinned and my face flushed faster than I could say “lollipop.”

  “Whoa, wait! It’d been a dare! And it happened once.” I resented that stupid pool party for too many reasons to count on one hand. The ridiculous game they’d managed to talk me into and watching Carter and Travis devouring one another in front of everyone were two I wanted to erase from memory. “And anyway, she kissed me.”

  “Okay. If that’s what you want me to believe.” Carter snickered, and I shook my head, a small smile blooming on my lips. “Why do you sound so outraged? Kissing a girl isn’t so bad.”