Full Bloom

by Janet Evanovich

  The redhead chased the frightened man around the tree several times. She slammed the rolling pin against the bark twice, missing the man by a good twelve inches. Nevertheless, he continued to duck and run. “Help!” he cried. “Somebody save me!”

  “Oh, for the love of—” Wes leaped the fence and ran toward the two. “Lady, stop!” he shouted.

  Annie darted around the tree once more as Erdle tried to maintain a safe distance, all the while crying out for help. He ran pretty fast for someone who’d just come home from a three-day drunk, she thought. She could see the fear in his eyes as she smacked the tree again with her rolling pin. She had no intention of actually hitting Erdle, but she wasn’t about to let him know that. She was so intent on her chase that she paid no heed to the chorus of voices behind her.

  She was only vaguely aware of movement beside her as she raised the rolling pin high in the air and aimed once more for the tree. A disembodied hand shot into her line of vision, and her aim faltered. There was a loud, resounding thwack, and Theenie screamed. Annie heard a dull thud, spun around, and froze when she spied a brown-haired man sprawled across the ground. She gasped and dropped the rolling pin, then let out a squeal when it fell and bounced off the man’s forehead.

  “Now look what you’ve gone and done!” Erdle said, pointing.

  Annie’s eyes flew open in horror as she stared down at the handsome unshaved man in worn jeans, T-shirt, black denim jacket, and biker boots. “Where on earth did he come from?” she cried.

  Theenie and Destiny raced down the steps and across the backyard as the stranger lay there unmoving.

  Theenie gaped in horror. “You killed him!”

  “Dang right she killed him,” Erdle said. “If the first blow didn’t do it, the second one surely did.”

  The man groaned and pushed himself into a sitting position. He rubbed the back of his head and winced. “What the hell?”

  Annie knelt beside him. His hair was the color of Brazil nuts, thick and slightly wavy, falling just past his collar. He wasn’t a local; she would have remembered him. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Are you hurt? Here, let me help you up.”

  Menacing brown eyes locked with hers. “Don’t touch me, lady. What are you, crazy?”

  “That’s exactly what she is,” Erdle said. “Mean and crazy.”

  Annie glared at Erdle. “Don’t give me any lip, mister. I’m not finished with you.”

  “If you come near me I’m calling the cops,” Erdle said. “I’m going to get me some of that hot pepper spray or maybe one of those stun guns. Or maybe I’ll get me a big Doberman or a pit bull—”

  “Shut up, Erdle, or I’ll snatch you bald-headed!” Theenie shouted, causing the group to pause in surprise. She sniffed, folded her hands properly, and gave the stranger a saccharine sweet smile. “Excuse me, sir,” she said ever so politely, “but I used to be a nurse’s aide, and I think I’d better have a look at your head. Would you mind very much?”

  Wes looked at her. “Are you armed?”

  “I don’t believe in keeping weapons. You’re safe with me.”

  After a moment, he shrugged.

  While the others watched, Theenie carefully parted his hair. “Oh my,” she said. “You’ve already got a nasty lump. I need to put ice on it.”

  “What about my forehead?” Wes said, wincing when he touched it.

  “It’s not so bad. Erdle, help this gentleman to his feet. We need to get him inside.”

  “I can manage,” Wes answered gruffly. He stood, towering over the rest of the group. He jabbed a finger toward Annie. “Stay away from me; you got that?”

  Annie drew herself up to her full height, but at five foot two she was a good twelve inches shorter than the man. His shoulders were wide, at least twice the width of hers. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I said I was sorry.”

  “Sorry doesn’t get it,” he said. “The only thing I need from you is the name of your lawyer.”

  Annie gawked at him. Lawyer! He planned to sue her! She would lose everything, her home and the business she’d worked night and day for the past three years to build. She would have to try to get her old bookkeeping job back at Bates’s Furniture.

  “Oh dear,” Theenie said. “You can’t sue Annie. She doesn’t have any money.”

  “That’s right,” Erdle said. “Her grandma invested all her money in one of them Viagra-like drugs, but it was yanked off the market when men started having embarrassing and prolonged erections.”

  Annie closed her eyes and wished she could crawl beneath something and never come out. She could feel the man’s eyes on her, but she was determined to remain cool. She would deal with Erdle later. Right now she needed to try to dissuade this angry stranger from taking legal action. “Excuse me, but you were trespassing on my property, and I didn’t even see you come up behind me.”

  Wes opened his mouth to reply, but Theenie interrupted.

  “Now, now, let’s not fuss,” she said. “We need to see to this young man’s head. Come this way, Mr. . . .”

  “Bridges,” he said. “Wes.”

  “And I’m Theenie,” she replied, motioning for him to follow her to the house.

  Wes glanced in Annie’s direction once more before doing as he was told. The others fell into line behind him. Annie tried not to notice how nicely the man’s jeans molded to his backside, but Wes Bridges was a definite ten in the rear-end department. Oh, Lord, what was she thinking? The poor man could be seriously hurt, he would probably sue her from here to Timbuktu, and she was staring at his behind. She shouldn’t have spent the morning hearing about Destiny’s sex life. Annie could almost smell the testosterone oozing from his pores. And she wasn’t the only one looking; Destiny was eyeballing him as well.

  Once inside, Theenie pointed to one of the ladder-back chairs. “Have a seat, Wes, and I’ll get an ice pack.”

  He did as he was told, but the dark scowl on his face told Annie he was not a happy man.

  “That could be me sitting there,” Erdle said, standing just inside the door, holding the screen open as though preparing to bolt. “You could have knocked my brains out, Miss Annie!”

  She turned to him. “I’ve never so much as laid a hand on you, Erdle Thorney. I was just trying to scare some sense into you. Some handyman you are. The yard is a mess! Have you forgotten we have an important wedding here in two weeks?”

  “Somebody is actually going to marry you?” Wes asked in disbelief.

  “She’s already married,” Theenie said, “but her husband left her three years ago.”

  “You’re looking at one dangerous woman,” Erdle said.

  Annie pointed. “Out!” she ordered him. “Go pack your bags. I’m evicting you.”

  Erdle gaped. “But Miss Annie, you can’t just throw me out. Your dear grandmother, God rest her soul, was perfectly happy with my work.”

  “That’s before you began spending all your time in the bars.”

  “I’ll get started on the yard work right away,” Erdle said. “You just make me a list of what you want done.” He hurried out the door before she could reply.

  “This is a crazy house,” Wes told Theenie as she placed the ice pack on his head.

  Destiny gave a snort. “You don’t know the half of it.”

  Annie noticed Wes giving Destiny the once-over, which was no surprise. Any woman who had breasts out to there was bound to draw attention, and the come-hither look Destiny returned obviously did not go unnoticed, because one side of his lip turned up slightly. Annie wished she’d hit him harder. “This is not a crazy house,” she said. “You just happened to show up at a bad time.”

  “Annie’s under a lot of stress,” Theenie said, “and with good reason.”

  Annie clenched her teeth. “I am not stressed.”

  “You look stressed to me,” Destiny said. “It doesn’t take a psychic to figure that out.”

  “We have a famous person getting married here in two weeks,” Theenie told Wes. “We’re
not allowed to say who because we don’t want the media to find out, but he’s more famous than Donald Trump. That’s why our Annie is pulled tighter than a rubber band.”

  “I am not stressed,” Annie repeated loudly.

  Theenie lifted the ice pack and checked Wes’s head. “Oh my, this doesn’t look good. Not good at all.”

  “Let me see,” Annie said.

  Wes held up one hand as though to stop her. “Look, but don’t touch.”

  Annie sighed and stepped closer, grimacing at the nasty-looking lump. The one on his forehead was beginning to swell as well. “I should probably take him to the emergency room.”

  “Good idea,” Wes said. “I’ll be able to file a police report for assault and battery.”

  “I don’t think she really meant to hit you,” Destiny said.

  Annie felt herself nod in agreement, although she suspected it wouldn’t hold much water with the man. He might be the best-looking thing she’d seen in a long time, but he was bound and determined to make her pay. Instead of trying to offer him another apology, which she knew he wouldn’t accept, she hitched her chin high. “Perhaps you’ll think twice before getting involved in other people’s business.”

  He frowned but didn’t reply.

  “I think we should call Doc Holden,” Theenie said. “He’ll know what to do. He’s just next door,” she told Wes. “Won’t take but a jiffy.”

  Annie made the call despite Wes’s objections that he didn’t need a doctor.

  Five minutes later the back door was thrown open by an elderly white-haired man carrying a black doctor’s bag. He glanced about the room until his gaze fell on Wes. “You must be the patient.”

  “I prefer to use the word victim,” Wes said, darting a look in Annie’s direction.

  “What’d you say?”

  “Doc, you might want to turn up your hearing aid,” Annie said.

  He shot her a disgruntled look as he fiddled with the flesh-colored object in one ear. “You’re going to be old one day, young lady.” He adjusted his glasses and lifted the ice pack from Wes’s head. “Oh boy, that’s a nasty-looking lump. What happened?”

  “Some deranged woman hit me over the head with a rolling pin.”

  “That would be Annie,” Doc replied.

  “It was an accident, Doc,” Annie said.

  Theenie nodded. “She meant to clobber Erdle.”

  “What’s this bump on your forehead?”

  “Another accident,” Annie said.

  Doc sighed and looked at Annie. “How many times have I warned you about that temper of yours?”

  “I wasn’t trying to clobber anyone.”

  Doc suddenly noticed Destiny. “Don’t I know you?”

  She introduced herself: “I write a column for the newspaper. You’ve probably seen my picture.”

  “She’s the Divine Love Goddess Adviser,” Theenie said. “She’s psychic.”

  Wes sighed. “Now I know I’m in a crazy house.”

  Destiny folded her arms across her chest, which was no easy task. “Excuse me, but that was a very rude thing to say.”

  Doc patted Wes’s shoulder. “I know it looks a little kooky around here, son, but Annie can be quite pleasant when she isn’t trying to do a person bodily harm.”

  Annie threw up her hands. “Jeez Louise! I give up.”

  “Now then,” Doc began, “you do have quite a knot back there, but that’s good.” When Wes arched a brow in question, the old doctor went on. “It means the swelling is probably confined to the outside, and that lessens the risk of brain injury.” He pulled a penlike gadget from his bag, flicked on a light, and shined it in Wes’s eyes. “How’s your vision? Any blurring?”

  Wes looked about the cheery kitchen with its tall white cabinets, partially wainscoted walls, and green-and-white-checkered wallpaper. “I’m fine.”

  “How bad is the pain?”

  Wes grunted. “Feels like I’ve been hit over the head by a two-by-four. A couple of aspirin might help.”

  “You don’t think I should take him to the ER?” Annie asked Doc.

  “Not unless you plan on hitting him again.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a small white envelope. “These tablets will help with the pain. You can take one every four to six hours.”

  Wes shook one of the large white tablets into his palm as Theenie went for water. “I need to escape this madhouse while I’m still able,” he said.

  Doc shook his head. “I don’t recommend that you drive right now. Not with a head injury,” he added. “And don’t go to sleep, either. You don’t appear to have a concussion, but we don’t want to take any chances.”

  “What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?” Wes asked.

  Doc shrugged. “Make Annie cook you breakfast. It’s the least she can do after trying to kill you.”

  Annie gaped. “Hellooo,” she said, waving her hands in the air. “Has anybody heard a word I’ve said? I was not trying to kill him!” She flung her hands to her sides when nobody paid attention.

  Theenie handed Wes a glass of water. He gave a huge sigh and popped the pill into his mouth, but it was so large he had to swallow several times to get it down. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet. “What do I owe you, Doctor?”

  Doc chuckled as he snapped his black bag closed. “Not a thing,” he said. “I stopped practicing veterinary medicine a long time ago.”

  Wes looked up in disbelief. “You’re a veterinarian?” He turned to Annie. “You called an animal doctor to treat me?”

  “He was close by,” she said defensively.

  A clatter sounded from the top of the stairs leading into the kitchen. Wes looked up. “What was that?” he asked.

  “I didn’t hear anything,” Annie said quickly.

  “This house is haunted,” Destiny said, drawing a gasp from Theenie.

  Wes just looked at her.

  Doc shook his head. “Well, I’d better get back to what I was doing,” he said. He started for the door with Annie on his heels. He paused suddenly. “Wish I could remember what I was doing.” He shrugged. “Oh well, it’ll come to me eventually.”

  “Don’t forget your bag,” Theenie said.

  “Ooopsie-daisy, can’t leave that behind.” Doc took the bag. “It’s tough getting old,” he told Wes. “My mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be. Take care of that head now. I don’t want to have to put you down.” He chuckled as he walked out.

  Annie watched him go. In the backyard, Erdle was picking up branches. She gave a hopeful sigh.

  “I hope I’m not as forgetful as Doc when I get old,” Theenie said.

  “You are old,” Destiny blurted, and then covered her mouth when the woman looked hurt. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that. I didn’t sleep well last night, what with that spirit on the loose.”

  “You’re beginning to scare me,” Theenie said.

  Wes turned to Annie. “You let a crazy, senile veterinarian treat me?”

  “He’s not really senile,” she said. “He’s, um, forgetful. I don’t think he’s crazy, either. He was just kidding about putting you to sleep.”

  “That’s good to know.”

  She offered him a tight smile. “Well now, it looks like you’re stuck with us for a while. At least until we’re sure you’re going to be okay. How about I cook you something to eat like Doc suggested?”

  Wes shook his head. “No thanks.”

  “Then I’ll make a fresh pot of coffee,” Annie offered. “Like Doc said, you don’t want to go to sleep.”

  He gave a grunt. “Lady, I wouldn’t think of closing my eyes in this house.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  Annie had just put on the coffee when the doorbell rang. She hurried to answer it and was surprised to find Jamie Swift standing on the other side, her dog, Fleas, beside her. “Oh, crap.” Annie had forgotten they were supposed to meet that morning.

  “Nice to see you, too, Annie.”

  “Sorry. It’s been a
bad morning.” She stepped aside so Jamie could enter, and then closed the door behind her. She suddenly noticed that her friend didn’t look so good. “What’s wrong? Are you ill? Are you having second thoughts about getting married? That’s perfectly normal, you know. A lot of brides and grooms get cold feet. Getting married is one of the most stressful events in our lives, even if you love that person deeply.” She had to pause to catch her breath. It was the spiel she often gave brides.

  “Do I really look that bad?” Jamie asked.

  The last thing Annie wanted to do was hurt her friend’s feelings. Again. “Oh no, it’s just—”

  “I’m on a diet,” Jamie said. “I’m so hungry I could eat dirt.”

  “Let me make you something,” Annie offered, then wished she hadn’t. She did not want Jamie to meet Wes Bridges and have him recount the morning’s events to her, and his belief that Annie was a threat to society.

  Jamie shook her head. “I can’t eat. I have to lose seven pounds before the wedding.” She groaned. “I’ve never really been on a serious diet,” she confessed. “Fleas and I live on double cheeseburgers, butter pecan ice cream, and my first true love: doughnuts.”

  “Uh-oh,” Annie said. “Having trouble fitting into your wedding dress?” Annie knew Dee Dee Fontana, Max’s sister and Jamie’s soon-to-be sister-in-law, had insisted on flying Jamie to New York to meet her designer, a Frenchman who created gowns for the rich, the famous, and the royals.

  “I fear facing that dress,” Jamie confessed. “Although it is absolutely gorgeous, the material clings to every curve and is unforgiving of the slightest weight gain. And I’ve been so anxious about the wedding and leaving the newspaper for my honeymoon that I wasn’t paying attention to how many doughnuts I was eating.”

  “Would you like to go over the menus at another time?” Annie asked, hoping they could reschedule.

  “I’ll be okay.” Jamie glanced about. “Um, should I have left Fleas in the car?”

  “He’s safe,” Annie said. “I put Attila-the-cat out earlier.” Annie couldn’t help but smile at the homely bloodhound Jamie had inherited when she’d purchased an old pickup truck. The dog had been part of the deal. Annie patted his bony head. “How are you this morning, handsome? You look a little sad.”