Broken Mercy

by Stacy McWilliams

  I had to ask her outright, so I stepped into her space and trapped her between the wall and my arms.

  “Is he mine?”

  I saw the answer written all over her face. I hit out at the wall, because she knew I was a good father. She knew I’d do anything for my kids, but to keep him from me.

  How much did she have to hate me, to do that?

  My world crumbled to ash and I blanked out, as pain rolled over me in wave, after crushing wave. I wanted to punish her. When she tried to touch me, I stepped away from her. I couldn’t take her touch. Not anymore. Not ever again. My agony at being left out and her keeping him from me, made me furious with her and after a few minutes, I just wanted her gone. I never wanted to see her again.

  “What are you waiting on? Five minutes ago, you were desperate to go, so fucking go. You're good at leaving, aren’t you?”

  I walked back to my room and collapsed against the door, breathing hard. Wishing I could turn back time to the day, I hired her. I’d never make that mistake again. I stood furious against the door. Then the baby’s face popped into my mind and I slid down the door, with my head in my hands.

  What had I done?

  I didn’t know her name, where she lived, or even have her cell phone number. Now I wouldn’t know my son, I’d been too hurt to realize, that she’d probably stayed away from me because of what I’d done to her. I hadn’t acted like I wanted our first baby either, and we hadn’t ever spoken about her losing the baby. Not really, anyway. With everything that was going on, it was the last thing on my mind. My pain reared up and lashed at me. I put my head into my hands and cried, because I’d really fucked up again. Part of me wanted to go after her, but I was alone and with my kids. I couldn’t leave them to chase after her, when she didn’t even want me in their lives. There was a knock at my door, and I spun around and stood up, opening it. Praying it was Amber, but it was Harris, and he stepped into the room, took one look at my devastated face and sighed.

  “Dude, what the fuck happened? Amber’s just got into the elevator, in a complete mess.”

  He watched me as I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged at the ends.

  “She’s got a kid… well no, that’s not it. We’ve got a kid…”

  I broke off in pain as my throat closed off and the lump tightened around my throat making me gasp for air.

  “And she didn’t tell you. What a fucking bitch.” Harris spat out. and he quickly fired off a message.

  For a few minutes it was quiet, and he seethed as I tried to work through my absolute devastation, at finding out about Zach. There was another knock at the door, and I opened it to find Lewis standing there.

  “So, it’s true, you had a kid with Amber?” he asked, without preamble and I nodded at him.

  “Yeah, apparently, it's true,” Harris answered, as I just stared at him. They both sat down on the sofa and turned to me.

  “So, what are you gonna do?” Lewis asked and Harris glanced up at me, in interest.

  “What can I do? She clearly doesn’t want me involved and thinks the kid is better off, without an asshole like me in his life.”

  My words were stilted and broken, as my heartbreak at her actions, shone through my words and Harris stood up and came towards me.

  “Mason, one you are not an asshole. Two, she probably thought she was doing the right thing. Think about it from her side, she leaves you and then comes back months later, pregnant. What would you think?”

  If it wasn’t Amber, I’d automatically go for the, she’s after my money, but she wasn’t like that. She didn’t need my money, and she loved me, or at least I’d thought she did.

  “I’d have thought she was after money, if it was me,” Lewis intoned, and I glanced up at him.

  Harris nodded and muttered, “Yeah, me too. So, what was she supposed to do? Pop back into your life? Before or after rehab and say, ‘oh by the way I’m pregnant and you’re the father.’ She’s too proud a chick, to do that.”

  His words made sense, but I was still crushed, because if she’d really wanted to, she could have reached out. I’d have stepped up, helped her and now I had a baby out there, that I hadn’t met. A broken heart also, because the girl I was still so fucking crazy in love with, didn’t want me involved in our kids life. Everything was so messed up.

  “Fuck,” I hissed and ran my fingers over my face.

  I needed to see her. I should have at least given her the chance to explain and now, both of them were lost to me. We sat in silence for a while and I leaned forwards on my knee, wondering if I could hire the PI’s, that’d tracked down the piece of shit, who fathered Lucca. I wasn’t sure, though, if Amber would even want to see me. I’d basically told her to fuck off, after finding out we had a kid together. I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to speak to me again.

  Why did I keep messing everything up with her?

  Why was it always so fucking complicated?

  It hurt my heart and head, and I stood up and began pacing around again.

  “Why don’t you call her?” Lewis asked me as I stormed around the room.

  I glared over at him, wishing it was that fucking easy. Wishing I could pull her number out of thin air and call her up.

  “I don’t have her fucking number and I don’t have her fucking address. I don’t have her fucking name. How am I supposed to search for her, when I don’t even know where to begin?” I asked them both.

  Harris just stared at me thoughtfully, but Lewis glanced down at his cell. Then gave me a smirk, that made me want to fucking punch him in the nuts.

  “What the fuck you smirking about?” I hissed at him, and he laughed at me, which made me more furious.

  “Ah, Mase, what if I was to tell you Amber was so upset, that I didn’t let her take a cab home? What if I was to tell you that instead, Donny drove her back to her apartment?”

  “Donny knows where she lives?” I asked Lewis and he nodded at me.

  “He knows the building for sure, but not her apartment number. I’m sure you can find it out though.”

  I shook my head. I was still unsure what to do about it all.

  Was it worth it?

  I wasn’t sure of anything, anymore.

  Exhaustion crashed over me like a wave and I glanced at my cell, to see it was after one thirty. The kids usually got up around seven, so if I went to bed, I could try and get five hours.

  “I’m going to bed guys.” I muttered, as I stood waiting for them to follow.

  They both gave me a look as though they wanted to say something else, but left without a word. I stood watching as and then opened the door to the kid’s room. I went into my room and crashed out on the bed. My eyes stung with tiredness and I closed my eyes. Trying my darnedest to forget about seeing Amber for the first time in a year. I tried to force my mind to forget about the image of her holding her son, that was burned into my eyes, but it played on a loop.

  Maybe if I fall asleep, I’ll wake up and this will all be a bad dream.

  Maybe she didn’t really leave me, and I’ll wake up with her in my arms.

  I began to drop off to sleep and I heard a buzzing sound, but managed to tune it out, as my body shut down from exhaustion.

  When I woke up the next morning to the sounds of Sofia calling for me, my body ached as I crawled from the bed. My feet carried me into the room, where she was standing up in her cot and reaching up to me. She was so cute, funny and was always getting up to mischief and leading Lucca astray.

  Lucca opened his eyes as I passed and called for me, so I popped Sofia down and let her toddle off. I scooped him up and held him tightly. My anger at Amber rose up and I tried to temper it down, as I took the kids in for breakfast.

  Harris’s words from the previous night, came back to me and my stomach sank. I knew Amber, and she probably did think she was doing what was right, but I had to see her. We had a few days off, and we’re playing again for two nights, so I wa
nted to go and see her. I called up Lexa, because she was up with Kristie and would answer the call.

  “Did you know?” I asked when she answered.

  I didn’t want to fuck around. I wanted to know if she’d known about my kid and hadn’t told me.

  “Did I know what, Mason?” she asked in a tired voice.

  I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, so I could find out what she knew. My plan was to find out then drop the kids off with her and Quinn, before I asked Donny to take me to Amber's.

  “Did you know Amber had a kid?” I asked.

  I didn’t say it was my kid, but I heard her sharp intake of breath and I knew she didn’t know.

  “No, a kid. How old is the kid? Wait, is the baby yours? Oh My God, Mason did she have your baby and not tell you? That’s a shitty thing to do.” Lexa rambled and then I heard her muttering, but I couldn’t make out her words.

  “Sorry, I didn’t know. Oh my God, I would have told you if I’d known. I swear.” She told me as a knock sounded at my door, I walked over and opened it to find Quinn standing there.

  “Hey man,” he muttered as he stepped around me and began playing with the kids.

  “Quinn’s here. I’m off. Bye Lexa.” I said as I ended the call and turned to face him, only to find out he was watching me.

  “So, Amber has a baby?” he asked.

  I nodded at him, without speaking, as Sofia played with her doll and smacked him in the chest with it, because he wasn’t answering her.

  “Yeah, she has a little boy called Zach. He’s about three months old.”

  I saw Quinn’s eyes widen as he did the math, then swallowed and glanced down.

  “So, it’s your kid? Are you sure, Mason?” he asked in a cold voice and I glowered at him, wondering what he was getting at.

  “Well it’s funny how she’s shown back up now, when our new album’s gone multi-platinum and our tour has completely sold out. Do you think she’s maybe acting like he’s yours, so she can get some cash from you?”

  His pointed words tore at my heart and I knew it was because I was also thinking the same.

  What if he wasn’t mine, and she just wanted to cash in?

  “I uh… fuck … I don’t know man…” I answered with a sigh, and he gave me a brief nod, as he rolled Lucca’s car across the floor.

  “What did she say when you asked her about why she’d popped up, and why she’d choose now to tell you about her secret kid?”

  “I didn’t give her a chance to explain. Fuck, I didn’t give her a chance to say anything, before I kicked her out.”

  Quinn shook his head and continued to play with the kids for a few minutes.

  “Daddy, hungry.” Sofia muttered, pointing at her tummy and I smiled at her.

  “Okay, I’ll get some breakfast brought up, if you stay here with Uncle Quinn.”

  She gave me a smile as I left the room and called room service. I ordered the kids' food, some coffee, and some bagels for me. I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed to eat something. Maybe food would settle the ball of nausea, that rolled around in my gut. I took a breath and went back out to the sitting room, to see Lexa was there with Harris and Lewis. Her face was pinched, and she wouldn’t meet my eyes, but everyone else turned to face me.

  “So, Harris, Lewis and I were talking, and we’re going to watch the kids, so you can go and find Amber. Lexa has spoken to her, but Amber was brief in the messages. She agreed to meet Lexa in a café, in Manhattan in an hour, so you can go, meet her there and see your son in person.”

  My heart began to pound at his words, and I played them over in my mind. I wanted to go instead of Lexa, but I was worried that she wouldn't even give me a chance to open my mouth, and I knew it would be entirely my own fault.

  “She said she’d explain everything to me there, but I still think I should go and speak to her,” Lexa muttered.

  I gazed over at her as she sat with Kristie on her lap, feeding her a bottle.

  “She might leave if he shows up, and then he’ll not get to see his baby.”

  She was talking about me as if I wasn’t there, but I knew some of what she was saying was true. Amber could just leave and not let me see him, or speak to her. After how I’d reacted, who could blame her.

  “She’s right guys, Lexa should be the one to go. She can talk to her and test the waters. I can meet up with them after, if it’s okay.”

  Everyone’s eyes went to mine and Lexa gave a triumphant smirk to everyone, but Quinn stared between us and glowered. He hated the idea of letting Lexa out of his sight and this would mean her being gone with Kristie, because she went wherever Lexa went.

  It scared him and after what we’d gone through in the last year, who could blame him. We all sat and had breakfast together and then Quinn, Lexa and baby Kristie left, and my heart hammered in my chest. I played with the kids for a bit and then decided to take them to the play park to burn off some energy. I called up Joe and Norry, and they agreed it would be a good idea to get out for a while, so we were all soon in a car and heading out.

  I constantly checked my cell, as we headed for Central Park and waited anxiously for a message from Lexa. She’d texted and told me she’d speak to Amber and ask her if she wanted to meet up with us at the park. She said it was better there than her apartment, or the hotel but the wait was killing me. I’d never been patient and I wanted to go to the café and force her to talk to me. I knew if I did that, then she’d end up hating me and refuse to let me see my son.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Surprises and Sorrow

  Amber

  My morning was a strange one. I’d woken up with a sharp pain in my chest and tears in my eyes, as Zach cried for his feed. Then I checked my cell and saw that Lexa had messaged me and asked me to meet up with her. My immediate answer was no, and I originally replied that, but she convinced me that it would be a good idea, to meet and talk. I was reluctant though, because I didn’t want to put myself through the devastation of the night before, again.

  What if Mason showed up?

  What if he demanded custody of Zach?

  Was it worth meeting up with her and trying to show her that I was a good mom?

  I didn’t know what to do, but Josie had convinced me to go along to the meeting.

  “It’ll do you good to have a friend your own age again, plus if she understands why you hid it from this Mason character. Maybe then, she can convince him that you didn’t do it to hurt him.”

  Josie didn’t have a clue who Mason was, or why I was worried about him with my son. Her idea of music was Rod Steward, Queen and Pink. She was eclectic, awesome and, hated current music, apart from Pink because she adored her. She told everyone she’d ever met, about the time she met her at a rest stop, when she was driving back to New York from Seattle.

  “Amber,” Josie muttered.

  I gave her a look, trying to show I hadn’t tuned out, staring at my cell as another message came through from Lexa.

  “Yeah, huh sorry?” I answered as I glanced up to meet her eyes.

  She’d come bouncing over to see how last night had gone and found Zach and I, in my bed as I fed him. She’d known from the look on my face, that the previous night had been a complete and utter disaster. When I told her what had happened, she laughed and said, “Well how did you expect him to react, when your cell phone told him he had a son?”

  That was a few hours ago and I agreed to meet with Lexa at half past eleven, at one of my favorite boutique cafés, in Manhattan. I went there a lot since my office was only around the corner from it and the staff all knew me. Plus, it was close to Central Park, so I could walk around the park with Zach, as often as I liked.

  I couldn’t believe I’d agreed to do this.

  I thought as I got closer and closer to the café. My palms were sweating, and my heart was racing, as I walked through the Manhattan streets. I had to work to calm myself down. Zach had been fed and w
as currently sound asleep in his stroller. His eyelids fluttered as he slept, and he puckered up his face for a moment and then relaxed. I watched him as I waited to cross the sidewalk and saw Lexa and her baby girl, climb from the back of an SUV across the street. My whole body froze, when I saw Quinn climb from the car and walk her inside. I missed the crossing, while I stared at the car around the swarming of those around me, as they crossed the street.

  After a few more minutes, Quinn was back inside the car and my heart rate which was soaring, began to slow. Just as I was about to cross the street, a hand closed over my arm and I turned to see Mason standing there.

  “Hey, I wasn’t supposed to do this. I was supposed to be waiting in the park for you, but I need to speak to you. Can you come with me?”

  His gentle words and the delicate pressure of his hand on my arm, were giving me anxiety. My whole body thrummed with it, as I tried to think about how to get away from him, diplomatically.

  “Mason,” I breathed quietly, just as a girl turned and stared at him.

  Her eyes lit up with excitement, and she barreled towards us, pushing her way between us, to speak to him. She began to talk in a very high-pitched and excited voice. I managed to break away from him and cross the street to the café. Lexa was standing up, glancing around as I entered. I looked behind me so often, that it must have looked to her like I had a nervous tick. I didn’t want Mason to follow me inside the café. I didn’t want to speak to him. Seeing him again had hurt me so badly. His words from the previous night had taken hold of my shattered heart and I had repeated them over and over again in my mind. My eyes met Lexa’s, she smiled and beckoned me over, as Flora came over and helped me pick my way through to the seat.

  “Usual?” she asked, and I gave her a quick nod.

  Flora was the owner and although she was a woman of few words, she was a wonderfully, kind woman and a great friend. She and Jamie, her partner, were both the kinds of women you wanted in your corner. It was them who helped me find my apartment, convinced the owner to take less than the asking price and introduced me to Josie. They’d also helped me get my job when I’d arrived in New York, a few weeks after leaving Mason with a broken heart, broken dreams, and no identity. I was staying in a crappy motel downtown and struggling to get through my days, when I’d wandered into their café after a pointless day of wandering around Central Park.