Broken Mercy

by Stacy McWilliams

  “Yeah, sure Sir. No problem. Only I don’t remember which building it was.”

  “That’s fine. Maybe when we get there, you’ll remember.”

  I had to hope he would, because if he didn’t, then it was a PI and time wasted. We got into the SUV, and he clicked on the Sat Nav.

  “Is her address not in there?” I asked him as he fidgeted with it, and he gave me a sardonic smile.

  “Yes, but her building has a few different entrances, so I’m not sure which one hers.” He told me kindly as he started the car.

  I sat in the back the whole way there, a ball of complete anxiety. I had one other thing I was trying, but I needed Lexa’s help to pull it off. As I checked my cell for the dozenth time, I noticed a message from Lexa, flash up on the screen.

  Lucy Adams- that’s the name she messaged me from. Try it and hopefully you can sort it out with her. Sorry I didn’t help Mase. I got so angry with her for leaving, that I didn’t realize that I’d be making things more difficult.

  I messaged back a thank you and then searched through my personal Facebook to find her. My profile picture was an image of Hercules, because I loved that story as a kid and it was my favorite Disney movie still. I found a Lucy Adams, but there was no picture visible. I decided to message anyway, just in case it was her.

  Hey, I don’t even know if this is the right person. If you aren’t who I’m looking for, then I’m really sorry, but I have to try to find my girl. I messed up you see, so badly that I lost the girl I’m in love with. If you aren’t who I’m looking for, then you can ignore the rest of the message.

  Last year when everything happened, I was in such a bad place, that I couldn’t be there for you. I’m so sorry for leaving you to deal with everything on your own. I actually don’t blame you for leaving me, or for not reaching out. The guy you knew was a douchebag, who was so self-centered, that he pulled away when you needed him the most then. My reactions now, aren’t all that much better.

  I know I messed up massively last night and that again today, I hurt you so badly, but Ambs. I need you to know that you, showing back up in my life, was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me and with Zach too. He’s so like me and I spent my time today wondering how to fix what I broke between us. I didn’t think about what it would sound like, when I told you to delete the photo. Or how much I would hurt you again (like I said I’m a self-centered asshole).

  God, I feel like every move I make with you, is the wrong one. When all I want is to say, that I want to be part of your life and part of Zach’s life, if you’ll have me. I don’t want to miss out on his growing up, because I couldn’t get my head out of my ass long enough, to tell his mommy how sorry I was for how I treated her.

  Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say

  (PS if this isn’t Ambs, then please ignore, but if it is, please, please reply. I leave in two days and I want to see you both, before I go)

  MM

  I quickly sent the message as we crossed into Manhattan again and I sat back, with my cell at my side, as I waited to see if I’d get a response. My fingers tingled and my heart rate sped as my cell lit up, but it was a message from Harris, wishing me luck. I put my cell down and leaned back, closing my eyes for a moment, and praying to every God I knew, to help me get through to her. I needed her in my life and knowing that we had a baby together. That she’d always have a piece of me with her, made me feel slightly better, but I wanted everything with her. I didn’t want to spook her though, so I was taking it slowly. I hadn’t told her that I still fucking loved her, or that I wanted her so badly. I hadn’t told her that while I was in the shower the night before, I had to think of my grandma in her underwear, to turn me off, because she was in the next room.

  My cell vibrated and I scooped it up, holding it to my chest and praying again. Before I moved it out and saw the name I both wanted to see and didn’t on the cell. There was a message from Lucy Adams. I quickly opened up my cell with shaking fingers, as I typed the wrong passcodes three times. I had to wait a whole minute, before my stupid cell would let me into the message.

  Hey Mase,

  It began Mase, so I knew it was from Amber. I accidentally dropped my cell before scooping it back up and opening the message again.

  Hey Mase,

  I know you must have gotten this name from Lexa. I don’t blame you for trying to track me down, but the last day has been so tough on me, that I’ve spent a lot of time in tears. You kicked me out of your hotel last night and then today accused me of trying to sell you out, which I wouldn’t ever do.

  Every time I think you’ve hurt me as much as you can, you go ahead and hurt me even more. I can’t do it anymore. I want Zach to get to know you, Sofia, and Lucca, but I can’t be around someone, who is always questioning my motives and hurting me.

  I hope you understand and I get that you want to apologize, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear your apology yet. Or if I need more time.

  I don’t know what I need at the moment, but I do know what I don’t need. It’s you, Lexa and even your security team, accusing me of coming back into your life for cash. I haven’t asked for a penny and I don’t intend on asking for anything, but I’m done with being accused of shit anyway.

  That was it. The message ended without a goodbye, or a sign off, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to beg her to talk to me, to prove to her that I didn’t think she was after my cash. If she was, I would have given it to her anyway, but as I re-read her message, I got scared. I was scared that if I lost her again, I’d never get her back and I’d lose not only her, but the chance to see my son grow as well. I decided to send her one more message and beg her to meet me. I didn’t want to hurt her again. If she said no, then I’d have to get Donny to turn the car around and take me back, because I didn’t want to lose her again. I couldn’t survive it again. It’d nearly killed me the last time and I had so much more to lose this time.

  Ambs,

  I know how much I hurt you last night, then again today and I’m so sorry. I’ve missed you so much and the thought of losing you… It kills me inside. Is there any way we can meet up and talk, just talk? I can pick you up, and we can sit in the car, but I just want to see you again, please? It doesn’t have to be today, but before I leave on Monday?

  For a few seconds there was nothing, then the little dots appeared and then disappeared. My heart raced and sank in line with the dots, because I wanted her to want to see me. If she said no, then that was it, it was over. I checked repeatedly and then a message popped up.

  You can come here. My apartment is 44B and the code is 81112. Mason, I’m warning you, this is your last chance. If you hurt me again, I won’t give you another. I need you to know that I’m only doing this because Zach deserves to know his daddy.

  My heart pounded in my chest, as we rolled to a stop and I quickly messaged her back.

  I’m so glad you agreed to let me come over. I’m outside your apartment. Are you sure it’s okay for me to come up?

  I didn’t want her to say no, but I had to give her an out. I had to let her know that she was in control. If she didn’t want me to go there, then I’d have to respect that and leave.

  It’s fine. Come on up.

  I moved towards the building and entered her code in the door, with shaking fingers. I’d never, ever been, so nervous in my life, because I knew that this was it. This was the last chance saloon for me with Amber. If I messed this up, I’d likely never see her again.

  Chapter Twenty

  Unexpected Surprise

  Mason

  My feet carried me into her building, and I moved towards the elevator, pressing the button for the fourth floor. As it arrived, a lady walked out and surveyed me with narrowed eyes. I tried to smile at her, but it must have looked off, because she scuttled away from me, looking affronted.

  I stepped inside and paced around as the elevator began to ascend. When it reached her floor, I stepped
out and began strolling down the hallway to her apartment. My hands shook and I clenched them into fists, trying to act more confident than I felt, because I didn’t want to show her that I was fucking terrified. My eyes scanned the door numbers and I noticed her apartment door was open, as I reached it. I gave a quick knock and then put my hands into my pockets.

  Nope, I decided, too casual.

  One hand in my pocket and one hanging by my side, nope, too lackadaisical.

  Both hands crossed over my chest, nope, too closed off.

  I moved my hands around and eventually lifted my left hand and removed my ball cap, running my fingers through my hair, as Amber opened up the door. My breath caught as I stared at her, because she was perfect. Her green eyes sparkled as she stared at me, and she bit on her lip, as she watched me, watch her. My eyes scanned downward, and I saw her body was covered in cream joggers and a loose black tee, but to me, she’d never looked more perfect.

  “Hey, sorry, I wasn’t expecting you so soon,” she muttered as a flush crept up her cheeks.

  “It’s fine,” I told her with a grin. “You look perfect to me.”

  Her eyes lit up, I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless. It’d been too long since she’d been beneath me, but I had to reign it in, or I would lose her again. I didn’t want to risk scaring her away and end up alone again.

  For a moment, we stood in the hallway just staring at each other. Then she took a breath and opened the door, beckoning me inside.

  “Come on in,” she told me, as she stepped back and let me into her apartment.

  My eyes darted around the room, I saw bay windows, and a living room with a kitchen attached and then a hallway with three doors leading from it.

  “Sorry, about the mess, but Zach’s been a monster today and has been feeding constantly.”

  I couldn’t miss the pile of clothes, toys scattered around the room and the baby paraphernalia that was everywhere. She was clearly an amazing mom, because Zach had everything he could possibly need. My eyes shot around the room to see where he was, but Amber didn’t notice, as she carried cups, plates, and clothes into the kitchen area.

  “Have you eaten?” she asked me, and I shook my head because I hadn’t wanted to eat. I just wanted to see her.

  “You fancy some Chinese?”

  I moved towards her, just breathing her in. Her scent was everywhere, and it was making it hard for me to concentrate as it invaded my nostrils.

  “Sure, why don’t you order it and I’ll give you my card details to pay.” I told her and her expression darkened.

  “I’m perfectly capable of paying for my own food.”

  I took a step back with my hands up, because I didn’t want to mess up, but I’d just wanted to treat her to something nice.

  “Woah, I didn’t say you weren’t, but I feel like I owe you an apology and some dinner. Is that okay?” I asked her and she gave me a stern glare.

  “Yes, but as long as that’s all it is. I’m not interested in becoming another notch on your bedpost. Not again.”

  Her ice-cold tone, made me pause and I wondered for a moment, what she was talking about. I hadn’t been with anyone in months and even then, it was a one-night stand, that happened just before I went to rehab.

  “Amber, what?” I asked her in confusion.

  She glared at me for a second, before she spun towards me with a gossip magazine in her hands. My eyes scanned the story and I saw an article about Hayley Wilde and me. I’d only met her a few weeks ago, at an award show. We’d been talking about her new music and her new tour, but we’d certainly never slept together. In fact, I was pretty sure she’d left with someone else before the night was over.

  “Are you jealous?” I asked her incredulously, with a nervous laugh. Fuck, if she was jealous, I’d show her who had me, mind, body and soul and it wasn’t Hayley fucking Wilde.

  “No, maybe, uh I don’t know, Mase. Part of me still wants you okay, but the other part of me, the saner part of me, knows better.”

  I moved towards her and turned her to face me, but she stared down at her feet, as my hands circled her waist.

  “Amber…” I began.

  I held onto her for a moment, just taking in the fact that she was back in my arms. She wouldn’t look up at me though and her eyes stayed on my feet.

  “Look at me, please?” I mumbled breathlessly around my racing heart and speeding breaths.

  “I can’t,” she muttered softly.

  I placed my forefinger under her chin and lifted her face, so I could stare into her eyes.

  “I’m scared of you, Mason,” she whispered, and my heart broke, because I’d really fucked up with her.

  “Why, why are you afraid of me?” I probed.

  “Uh… because… no one has ever hurt me like you have…”

  “I know, but I’ll always be sorry about how I acted. I need you to know that.”

  Her eyes watered, which tore at my heart even more. She licked her lips and my longing to taste her, overwhelmed my senses. I began to lower my head to hers, when a knock sounded at the door, and she leapt back from me, as though I was burning her.

  She stepped around me and rushed towards it, opening it, and speaking softly to the woman on the other side. The person stepped back, and I couldn’t see them, but I heard a baby crying, Amber stepped forwards, and scooped Zach into her arms. He quieted almost instantly as she carried him around, I saw an older lady stepping into the apartment and closing the door at her back. She eyed me with disgust evident on her face. Then turned to Amber, as she darted around the room, picked up a blanket and a pacifier for Zach, before she handed him back over.

  “You okay?” the lady asked her with a nod in my direction and I bristled.

  What did she think I was going to do to her?

  I wouldn’t hurt her again, not like I did before.

  I just wanted a chance to be there for her and for Zach, but I needed her to let me back in, so I could try to make up for my douchebag behavior earlier.

  “Yeah, we’re fine. Mason’s just here to chat about Zach. I’ll be over in a few hours for him, as long as that is still okay?” Amber asked.

  I saw the lady smile at her. Her white hair was tied back and her wrinkled forehead was tanned with freckles. She didn’t look back at me, as she moved towards the door and left with Zach in her arms. Amber closed the door after her with a snap and slowly moved back towards me.

  “Sorry about that. He wouldn’t settle without his favorite blanket and his pacifier.”

  I met her eyes and wished I could turn back the clock to where she was still in my arms, and I was still holding onto her. I wanted to kiss her so badly, I could almost taste it and I knew she wanted to kiss me too. It was written all over her face.

  “Should we order some food, and then we can chat?” she asked me after a moment, where neither of us spoke.

  “Sure, that’s fine. Can I use your bathroom?” I asked her because I needed a minute to get my head out of the fog, that the almost kiss, had caused.

  “Yeah, sure you can. It’s down the hall, last door on the left.”

  My body turned, but I watched her from the corner of my eye, as she walked towards her couch, picked up her cell and smiled as she read something on it. Her smile was breathtaking and it made my knees weak. I turned and had to force myself to walk towards the hallway. I was so busy watching her and wondering who’d put that smile on her face, that I missed the step and ended up tripping myself up. I sprawled forwards on the ground, landing with an oomph, as the air left me. I just lay there for a moment, hoping she hadn’t seen me, but then I heard her laugh. I rolled over onto my back, as she came towards me.

  “Oh my God, Mase, are you okay?” she asked me as she leaned down to help me up.

  I reached out and held her hand without moving. Her skin was soft and warm under my hands. My face flamed with embarrassment, but I decided to brush it off and make ou
t like it was no big deal.

  “Sure, I am. You didn’t warn me about the trick step.” I mumbled in an amused voice, and she began to laugh as she stared down at me.

  “That was legit, the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. If, I’d caught it on camera I’d have made a fortune.” She giggled and my gaze narrowed because that was my fear.

  What if she did sell our story?

  She could do it. I wouldn’t even blame her, because if I was her and someone treated me like I had her, then I’d do it. I knew that any journo would pay her handsomely for it.

  She stopped giggling when she noticed my expression, and she tugged her hand out of my grip, before spinning away from me. Storming across the room and sitting down on the sofa with her back to me. I couldn’t believe I’d done it again. I knew exactly what had caused the abrupt change in room temperature and it was all my fault. She could read my expressions like a book. I knew that if I was ever going to get another chance with her, then I had to stop thinking of her like a gold digger and start seeing her for who she was.

  I pushed up from the floor and went into the bathroom. My eyes scanned the small room and I noticed a shower, with a baby bath inside, a small sink and a toilet. Her bathroom wasn’t fancy, but it was clean. There were baby toys in a net in the shower, which showed me that she loved my son, and he didn’t go without. Ever.

  I used the facilities, washed my hands, then splashed some cold water on my face and stared at myself for a moment in the mirror. My eyes were bright and I could see the flush still on my cheeks, but I had to try to calm down. I had to try to make sure that Amber knew I wanted her back in my life and that I didn’t think she’d ever sell me out. I didn’t think that, not really, or at least I was trying to convince myself that she wouldn't.

  It was just that I didn’t trust easily and with her, there was a whole load of mistrust there, because she left me after fucking me. I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I really needed to find a way to tell her how sorry I was for how I’d behaved and how much I’d missed her, over the past year. When I’d been drinking, fucking, and screwing around, I was trying to get her out of my system, but it didn’t work, because I didn’t want her gone. I wanted her back and when I tried to find her and I couldn’t, it killed me. It pushed me to drink more and more and take more and more risks. The final straw for everyone, was when I crashed my car into a tree. I was totally wasted and really lucky to be alive. My mom stepped in and told me if I didn’t take my ass to rehab, she was leaving, and she was taking the kids with her. I knew she was serious and that I had to get my act together. I was lucky it was just a tree, but I wasn’t caught or anything, so my record was clean. There was a rumor that there was a reason I’d gone to rehab and that it was because I’d been drunk driving.