Flame

by J. P. Scott

  The kiss lasted for a brief moment and then Cody pulled away. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

  “Don’t apologize. I think we just got caught up in the moment. We’ve both been dealing with a lot of emotion.”

  “Yeah. I guess we have.” He stepped towards the door. “I should go. Um, let me know when Jonathan is here.”

  I stepped towards him but then stopped. I should let him go. I wanted to have him stay and talk some more, but I felt like that would be a bad decision. We may have been caught up in a moment and kissed, but for me the moment had not really passed. I wanted to kiss him again and take him back in his arms. I had comforted him, but I had felt comfort in the embrace as well. In my chest, my heart seemed to be reaching for him. I forced myself to stop walking his direction and to just watch him exit the office and head home. When he was down the drive, I allowed myself to walk to the door to continue to watch him. As he approached a bank of trees that would obscure the view, I touched two fingers to my lips and then stretched out my hand in an attempt to send that kiss his way.

  I headed back to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed. I could feel the exhaustion of the day pull me into a nap. First, George and the decisions of the business were a weight that was already almost too much to bear. Now, Jonathan’s disappearance and Cody’s presence were a complication and a weight that I did not even know how to begin to do anything about. Should I be worried about the kiss with Cody? It certainly did not change my feelings for Jonathan. I would love for him to walk through that door and hold me and kiss me.

  But what did it mean that if I looked up and saw Cody there that I would be equally excited?

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I did see Jonathan all afternoon. By the time I locked up the office and stepped back into George’s place to start thinking about what to make for dinner, I was certain that Jonathan had made some sort of bad decision or was in serious trouble. Aside from the thought that he might be sitting in a bar somewhere drinking, thoughts of him possibly having an accident also crossed my mind. I did not know which was the worse thought.

  While I pulled ingredients out and contemplated the menu for dinner, my phone kept ringing. The first time it did, I looked. It was an unknown number. Now was not the time to have to deal with some sort of telemarketer or political call. It rang two more times from the same number. I was in the middle of slicing some vegetables or I might have given in an answered it. When I finished, I saw that both calls were from the same number. I was about to dial it back when a text came through.

  It was from Jonathan. He was using a friend’s phone.

  “Sorry I disappeared. I needed to get to a meeting.”

  I signed. Was this relief that he was not drinking or hurt? Or was it simply just finally knowing that he was okay?

  “I’ll be home later tonight. I promise.”

  “I miss you. Be safe.” I wrote back with a kissing emoji. “Sorry I didn’t answer.”

  I was kind of glad this was happening via text. As good as it would be to hear his voice, I knew I would not be able to stop myself from firing off question after question. I wanted to know what happened between Jonathan and Cody’s mom. I wanted to know why he was reading the letters and what he was thinking about as he did. I wanted to know everything. I also wanted to tell him everything—including the kiss that Cody and I shared. Would he be mad? I doubted it. He would probably get excited and reach for the hand cuffs for some play.

  Whatever questions I asked or stories that I shared, my guess was it would be the wrong time. Jonathan needed to focus on the process in front of him at the meeting and with his friends or sponsor. There was a method that worked for many in recovery. Our conversation could wait.

  I ate dinner and watched TV. I smoked and watched the night sweep through the forest. Finally, I went to my room and climbed in bed with a book. It was late when I heard Jonathan unlocking the office door and making his way to the back. I looked up and saw him standing in the doorway to the bedroom, hands in his pockets.

  “Hi,” he said. He seemed nervous to step any further. He must think that I was angry with him.

  I climbed out from under the covers and walked up to him. “Hi. Welcome home.” I reached out to hug him.

  He exhaled and reached for me as well. “It’s good to see you.”

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I whispered into his ear. “Are you hungry?”

  “No, I ate down in Payson.”

  “Then come to bed.”

  I began to unbutton his denim shirt that he usually wore when he was painting. He must have been preparing to do some work when he got sidelined by the letters. He grabbed my hand when I halfway down. “I feel like we should talk.”

  “I feel like we should climb in bed and hold each other. It’s been a long day, for both of us.” He let go of me and let me finish. He slipped out of his shirt and tossed it in the corner. He kicked off his shows and began to take off his jeans. I walked backwards to the bed, dressed only in underwear. I slipped them off and climbed back under the sheets. I grabbed my book, inserted the bookmark, and set it on the nightstand. I looked back as Jonathan finished undressing and joined me on his side of the bed.

  I turned on my side to face him and wrapped my arm over him, pulling him into a mirror position. I leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated, but then kissed me back. He reached to me and pulled me closer. We parted lips and I opened my eyes. Tears had formed in his eyes.

  “I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk into tonight.”

  “The only thing you’ll ever find here is love. Even if I get angry with you about something. It will always be love.”

  We kissed again; this time it initiated by him. I could also feel his cock begin to swell. It was nice to know that my touch and presence excited him, but I was not looking for sex tonight, only connectedness and reassurance.

  “I’m glad you’re home and safe. I was worried.”

  “I don’t mean to worry you. I knew I had to get to a meeting. I was beginning to spiral.”

  “You did the right thing.” I hesitated before continuing. “I found the letters. You’d been reading them, I’m guessing. I picked them up and packed them back away.”

  He closed his eyes tight, as if fighting off a painful memory. “Yes, I was reading the letters. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. It never turns out good when I do.”

  “Why did you pull them out? What happened to trigger that urge?” I knew it had something to do with Cody’s mom and whatever argument they had in their encounter. I hoped Jonathan would feel comfortable enough to share it with me. If not, I knew I had to urge him to discuss it with his friends in AA. He might even need to start seeing someone for professional counseling as well.

  “I ran into someone I haven’t seen in a long time. I went down to the restaurant to grab a quick bite. And there she was. I didn’t know if I should leave or just push through. It’s been years. Maybe she wouldn’t see me, or if she did, maybe she wouldn’t recognize me. It felt wrong to run away and hide, but I had not expected to run into her ever again.”

  “What happened with the two of you.”

  Jonathan let out a long breathe. “Well, I used to hang out with her husband. Drinking buddies, I guess you could call it.”

  “I’m guessing it was not just a couple beers after work.”

  “More than a couple, that’s for sure. There was a whole group of us. We got kicked out of bar for our antics, so we just took it back to someone’s home and terrorized the wife and the kids and whoever else happened to be around. We’d load up with 30-packs and sit around getting blacked out drunk. Who wants that in their house? There would always be yelling and fights. Some of the wives were smart and left. Others clung on.”

  “And the woman you saw today?”

  “She clung on. At least as far as I know. No one was with her today, so I can’t be sure.”

  “So, what happened today at the restaurant?”

  “She was
in a booth, so I hoped I could be quick at the bar to order and get out before she saw me. I probably could have done it, too, if she hadn’t gotten up to use the restroom. We locked eyes and I could just see the fury build in her eyes.”

  Jonathan flipped to his back and stared at the ceiling before launching into what he could remember of what Cody’s mom had said to him. Lots of name-calling and “How dare you” for being back in town and showing his face. “I didn’t even get the chance to apologize. I don’t think she would have accepted it, but I couldn’t even get the words out.”

  I grabbed Jonathan’s hand and squeezed. I could imagine the scene. The awfulness of it all to be right out in public with everyone. When Alex yelled at me, it was in the seclusion of his front porch at the cabin. No one was around to witness it.

  “I just left. I didn’t pay or get my food. I just ran out. I’ve never felt more ashamed.”

  “And then you came back here.”

  “I did. And just like any other time I’ve not been in control of my feelings, I think about the letters. I couldn’t even remember that you had reorganized the boxes. I knocked them all down to get to the bottom box and then realized they were right on top. I pulled them out and began reading. I read them all the way through.”

  Jonathan was crying more. No sobs, but still a steady stream from his eyes. With his free hand he wiped the tears away and pinched his eyelids shut to try to stop the flow.

  “I need to tell you something. The woman from the restaurant. That’s Cody’s mom.”

  Jonathan sat up in the bed, “What?”

  “He was looking for you this afternoon. When we got back from Payson, he found her at the restaurant still upset. She wouldn’t tell him what the fight was about. But he’s really close to her and very protective. He wants to talk to you about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t knocking on our door in the morning looking for answers.” I sat up and put my arm around him, “I know it won’t be easy to talk about this again. If you need me to stall Cody, I will. Or if you want me to talk to him.”

  “I’ll need to face him at come point. I don’t know. I may need to go down to Payson for a bit to help sort this all out.”

  “Whatever you need. Your health is important. This will be tough, but you will get through this.”

  “One day at a time,” he laughed.

  “That’s right. Each day is a new day. Don’t worry about next week or the week after. Take care of the now.”

  He leaned over and kissed me. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you right now.”

  I gave him a half grin, “You’d be sleeping in that god-awful camper, that’s for sure.”

  He looked around, “This is much nicer. And the company is better, too.” He slipped out from under the sheets and grabbed some shorts. “I’m going to grab some juice or water or something. Need anything?”

  “A smoke. I think I’m going to step out onto the back porch for a bit.” I went to the dresser and got out some clothes for myself and looked around for my open pack. As I lit a cigarette and stared out into the night, I tried to shake the worry from my mind. There would be a lot to deal with in regards to Jonathan and Cody over the next couple days. It was the last thing I needed right now with everything else going on. I kept telling myself that I should quit, but right now it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. I guess we all have our addictions.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I held Jonathan for most of the night. There was so much I wanted to say to him and talk to him about, but it was not the time, nor did I really have the words. Eventually, he began to snore and I was grateful that he was getting some sleep. It had to be exhausting to be dealing with all of this.

  I could not sleep.

  What would tomorrow bring for me? George and the business were my main concern. There was much to do. Did I have time to help Jonathan navigate the next steps he needed to take to get his life in order? My stomach churned at the thought—how selfish was I being? He needed me to be there for him. He had done so much to help me get the cabins ready for sale, how could I just abandon him in his time of need?

  Was it really abandoning him? Or was it encouraging him to get the help he needed? Addiction was a beast and something bigger than I knew how to manage or care for. Even if I could give Jonathan my full attention, I doubted I had the skills and resources he needed to help in the way he needed. I wondered if the support group and friends he had been developing in Phoenix had all that he needed. There seemed to be more to all of this than just a dependence on alcohol. The encounter with Cody’s mom had not sent him drinking, it had sent him to read the letters. There was something with “G” that Jonathan could not let go.

  I wanted to read the letters. I doubted they really had any answers for me. The true hold that “G” had on Jonathan was only something the two of them would be able to know or articulate.

  At some point I dozed off, because when I opened my eyes it was daylight. Jonathan was gone. I jumped out of bed, concerned that he had taken off again. After dressing and heading into the office, I found a note on the registration counter, “You’re cute when you sleep, I didn’t want to wake you. I’m working on projects. Will be down for lunch.”

  I busied myself in the office sorting and cleaning. Eventually, I pulled up Nancy’s proposals and started going over the options had laid out, hoping that maybe the answer to that problem would be clearer. It was not.

  I thought about Cody. He had not shown up as I had predicted. I texted, “Jonathan came back last night. I did talk to him. Can I ask that you hold off on confronting him?”

  “Sure. I have to work today anyway.”

  Both of them could use some time to really think about what they needed to say to each other. Maybe Cody will get some answers from him mom in the meantime.

  I was also grateful for a reprieve from seeing Cody. I could still feel his lips and wondered if there would ever be a time when we would kiss again. While I held Jonathan last night, I had felt myself wishing that Cody was there holding me.

  Did it have to be Cody? Or was I just longing for someone to be there for me? If Ethan walked back in the door, would I be just as grateful for him to be there? What about Alex? Or even one of the tricks I’d had this summer? Was it the person I wanted, or did I just need a person? How many times in my life had I scoffed at the idea of needing anyone—that I was independent and could take care of myself? I had certainly been cocky. Life had a way of humbling people and changing minds.

  I decided to go for a run and went to change into my running clothes. The office could do without me for a while. I needed the regular rhythm of the run to clear my mind. Getting outside and away from all of these walls could certainly help as well.

  Earbuds in and warmed up, I set out on my usual loop. Towards the back of the property, I saw Jonathan at work repairing the front porch of a cabin. His focus was down on the work and I assumed the sound of my running was covered up by the sound of his tools as he cut, nailed, or sanded. Seeing him working filled me with calm—maybe there was hope that everything was going to be okay.

  I waved at guests I encountered on the loop. Some were out for walks and bike rides, others were sitting on their porches and reading. Their days seemed to be idyllic and without any concerns. I was jealous and wished I was off somewhere on vacation, lounging, and enjoying a cocktail.

  I passed the office and decided a second loop would do me good. Sitting in the office would only give me time to think. Jonathan was not on the porch when I passed by again. I assumed he was taking a break out of view or running back to the office to get some part of supply that he needed and discovered he did not have with him. Hopefully, he would finish and the cabin would be ready for the coming guests. The rest of the neighborhood was the same as I had seen it before, except people had traded seats.

  By the time I got back to the office, I was sweaty, breathing hard, and feeling energetic and up. My problems were not gone, but I felt me
ntally and emotionally sharper to confront them. That preparedness would be put to the test. Jonathan was waiting for me outside the office.

  “Taking a break? Need lunch? I can fix us some sandwiches.” I stood a few feet away from him, working on catching my breath, my hands on my hips.

  “I’m about done with that porch. I thought I would catch you to chat for a minute. Did you want to shower, first?”

  I waved my hand, “No, I’m good. What did you want to talk about?”

  “While I’ve been working, I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about my situation. I’ve come to a decision,” he looked away from me, “I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

  I felt like what I liked or did not like was hard to predict these days. Overall, I felt pretty numb, and that pretty much anything could happen to me now and I would have the same reaction to it that I would have even weeks ago. “What is it?”

  “After I finish up at the current cabin, I need to go. I’m thinking I need to go back up to Colorado.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  He nodded. “I think it was a mistake that I came back here.” The sentence hung in the air between us. “Well, except for meeting you. You’re what is making the decision so hard.”

  “What is different about Colorado?”

  “Well, I have a network of friends there. It’s also far removed from my past. I won’t have to worry about running into anyone that I have wronged. Yesterday showed me that I’m not ready to face some of my demons. I will have to someday, but I need to give some thought around when and how I accomplish that. Part of the steps is to make amends, but some things are too big to tackle without a plan.”

  Just what had happened during his drinking days? Sure, hanging out with a group of guys at someone’s house and drinking would have caused plenty of strain on the family relationships. Was that enough to cause so much hatred from Cody’s mom to Jonathan after all these years? She was still married, and from what Cody had said, his father was still drinking. Had Jonathan played a bigger role in getting Cody’s father involved in heavy drinking? Or was his mother’s anger more of a misdirection of her anger towards her husband?