Tales From the Hood

by Michael Buckley

  “Don’t give me any grief. I did what had to be done,” Sabrina said as she kicked off her shoes. She was too tired to put her pajamas back on and instead crawled under the blankets fully dressed.

  “No lecture,” Puck said. “Still, we need to get something clear. From now on you need to check in with your bodyguards before you sneak out.”

  “I can’t sneak out if someone knows I’m sneaking out,” Sabrina argued. “That takes the sneakiness out of the sneak. Besides, you’re taking this whole security thing too far. I don’t need bodyguards. I can handle myself just fine, and now that we have the kazoo . . .”

  “So you’re not going to cooperate?”

  Sabrina shook her head, sleepily. “No, I’m not and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

  Puck grinned. “Then I suppose I’m just helpless then, huh? I guess you’ve won?”

  “Now you’re getting it,” Sabrina said. “Now go back to bed. I’m tired.”

  Sabrina braced herself for another argument, but much to her surprise Puck turned and left the room.

  Sabrina smiled and nestled into her bed. I think that boy is finally getting some sense, she thought. As she drifted off to sleep, she reached into her pants pocket and removed the sack that held the kazoo. She could feel the unhealthy ache that magic produced, but the bag seemed to dull the sensation. Regardless, she would have to be careful. Maybe she should find a hiding place for it so that the temptation didn’t overtake her. She had to be strong this time. After all, she couldn’t count on the others. This time, she was on her own.

  The next morning, Sabrina awoke to a blinding light. The rising sun was flooding through her bedroom window and right into her eyes. She would have to remember to pull the blinds in the future. She reached for a pillow to pull over her head, but her wrist was caught on something. She sat up in bed and held her left hand up to her face. There was a steel bracelet wrapped tightly around her wrist. It was connected to a strong chain that was linked to a similar bracelet that was attached to the wrist of a shaggy-haired boy who was sleeping in a rocking chair next to her bed.

  “PUCK!” Sabrina cried, pulling so hard on her end of the handcuffs that the boy fairy tumbled out of the chair and onto the floor. Unfortunately, the fall dragged her out of bed as well and she fell on top of him.

  “What’s the story, morning glory?” Puck said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  “What is this about?” Sabrina said, raising her hand and shaking the handcuff, thus shaking Puck’s arm as well.

  “Unfortunately, it’s necessary,” Puck explained. “You don’t want to work with my security staff, so from now on I’m going to be your personal bodyguard. I’m going to be with you every second of the day.”

  “This is insanity,” Sabrina said as she tried in vain to free herself.

  “Trust me, being downwind of you twenty-four hours a day is not what I call a good time, but you’ve left me no choice.”

  Sabrina screamed. “Give me the key!”

  Puck reached into his pocket and took out a tiny golden key. “Is this what you want?”

  “Give it to me, pus face!”

  “Are you going to work with your bodyguards?”

  “Forget it. You’re not going to blackmail me,” Sabrina said.

  And at that, Puck put the key into his mouth and swallowed it. Sabrina screamed again.

  “Are you deranged?” she yelled as she climbed to her feet, dragging Puck up as she went. Sabrina marched toward the door but was held back by the boy. She turned and saw that he was enjoying the tug of war, so she pulled hard and dragged him out into the hallway in search of her grandmother.

  Granny Relda was not supportive of Sabrina’s crisis. In fact, she, Uncle Jake, and Daphne found the whole situation hilarious. They snickered all through breakfast. “Sabrina, Puck is just trying to be helpful,” Granny said. “Perhaps you do need a little personal attention, and there’s not much I can do about it anyway. If he swallowed the key, all we can do is wait.”

  “Wait for what?” Sabrina asked, then suddenly realized what they would be waiting for and had to fight to keep her breakfast down.

  “I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one,” Puck said as he reached his hand into a bowl of oatmeal and shoveled it into his mouth. Sabrina’s hand was dragged along and covered with the gooey cereal.

  “How am I going to get dressed? Or take a bath?” Sabrina cried.

  “Who needs a bath?” Puck said, wiping the extra oatmeal on his shirt.

  “I suppose we could just take the two of you out in the yard and hose you down,” Uncle Jake said.

  “Elvis loves it,” Daphne said.

  Uncle Jake laughed so hard his scrambled eggs fell out of his mouth.

  Daphne finished her breakfast, and for the first time ever, Sabrina watched the little girl push her empty plate away. There was no such word as full in her sister’s vocabulary. Since the girl had more of Sabrina’s clothes on, as well as high-heel shoes, she guessed that Daphne was still a “grown-up.” “I had a thought last night,” Daphne offered.

  “Oh?” Granny said.

  “There’s one eyewitness we haven’t talked to,” Daphne said. “The woodcutter.”

  Granny’s eyes lit up. “Liebling, that’s good detective work. I totally forgot there was someone else at the grandmother’s house.”

  “So, do you know where he lives?” Uncle Jake asked.

  Granny shrugged. “I’m afraid I don’t. There are thousands of Everafters in this town and I haven’t met them all. There’s also a chance that he doesn’t live here. As you know, some of the Everafters moved away before Wilhelm’s barrier went up, and others never came to America at all.”

  “How can we find out?” Daphne asked.

  Granny clapped her hands, jumped from her seat, and rushed to the family journals. “We need to get back to our research. Perhaps he does live here in Ferryport Landing. He could be a great help to our case.”

  “I’ll help,” Sabrina said eagerly.

  Granny cocked an eyebrow, obviously surprised by Sabrina’s enthusiasm. “You will?”

  Sabrina nodded, though she didn’t feel entirely honest. The thought of freeing Mr. Canis terrified her, but she wanted to get back into the family’s good graces, especially her grandmother’s.

  “Thank you, liebling,” Granny said.

  Sabrina dragged Puck from his chair and pulled him into the living room, where she snatched a copy of the complete fairy tales of Charles Perrault. She dragged him back to the table and sat down. According to the copyright, Perrault was one of the first people to document the ghastly tale of Red Riding Hood. His book was published in 1697, and his account described a woodcutter who came to Red Riding Hood’s rescue. Sabrina was impressed with the man’s heroics. Not too many people had gone face-to-face with the Wolf and lived to tell the tale. Sabrina noted the story and continued her research.

  All the Grimms who had lived in Ferryport Landing had kept detailed journals of their adventures. Even Sabrina and Daphne had filled a couple. It was the family responsibility to document anything unusual that occurred in the Everafter community. With this sizable collection at their fingertips, it was obvious to everyone that there were a lot of unusual occurrences in the sleepy river town. Sabrina scanned hundreds of entries. She read about a short-lived military overthrow of the mouse king of Oz. She found sheet music composed by a jazz trumpeter named Boy Blue. She even learned that the Three Blind Mice had once applied for seeing-eye dogs. Generations of Grimms had collected these stories, but Sabrina didn’t find anything else on the woodcutter or what had become of him.

  She closed the last of her share of the journals and sat back in her chair. “I’ve got nothing.”

  Granny sighed. “I didn’t find anything, either.”

  Daphne looked up from her book. “What does the word mani . . . mani . . . fest mean?”

  “You mean manifest. It’s a list of items that are shipped on a train, bus, truck,
whatever,” Granny explained.

  “Where’s your dictionary?” Sabrina asked.

  Daphne stuck her tongue out and turned her attention back to Granny Relda. “Can it be a list of people, too?”

  “Sure,” the old woman said. “What did you find?”

  “This. It looks like a list of the passengers on Wilhelm’s boat,” the little girl said, handing several sheets of paper to her grandmother.

  Granny took the papers. “Good work, Daphne. I should have thought of this. Let’s see if there’s a woodcutter on this list.” Granny perused the list. “Hmm, I’m not seeing anyone.”

  Sabrina reached over and took the list from her grandmother. Sure enough, there was no “woodcutter” on the list. “If only we knew what his name is,” she said.

  “Well, we don’t need that. We know everyone else’s name. Let’s go through the list and find the people we’ve never heard of,” Granny said. “Assuming that he got on Wilhelm’s boat.”

  Puck wasn’t thrilled. “Is this going to take long? I have plans.”

  “The handcuffs were your idea, buster. Any chance we’re going to see that key pop up?” Sabrina said.

  Puck shook his head.

  The Grimms went through the list, checking off everyone they knew by name. There were quite a number of people in Ferryport Landing who just had titles for names: the Mad Hatter, the Beast, the Sheriff of Nottingham, or the Queen of Hearts, for example. That made the search much easier. Soon, there was a list of only twenty citizens neither Granny, Sabrina, nor Daphne could identify. Seven of them had odd, almost unpronounceable names, and Granny guessed they were either witches, goblins, or trolls. Eight more were names that were obviously for animals, including Hans the Hedgehog and someone called the Sawhorse. That left five names, and two of them were women.

  Just then, the phone rang. Granny answered it and cried out in excitement when she heard the caller’s voice. “Little John! We’ve been trying to track down another eyewitness. We believe the woodcutter might actually live in Ferryport Landing. What’s that? Oh, of course. We’ll be right there.”

  Granny hung up the phone.

  “What’s going on?” Uncle Jake asked.

  “Bluebeard has a new witness and they’re starting the trial early today. We have to go over there now!”

  “Who’s the witness?” Daphne asked.

  “His name is Howard Hatchett,” Granny replied.

  Sabrina sighed. “He’s on our list. Howard Hatchett is the woodcutter.”

  The group drove up and down Main Street looking for a parking space. Granny commented that she had never seen the downtown area so busy, even when there were other humans living in town. While they searched, they passed the site where the bank had once stood.

  “I’ve heard of people robbing banks, but I’ve never heard of anyone stealing the bank itself,” Uncle Jake said as Granny peered out her window at the vacant lot.

  “That’s quite peculiar,” Granny said. “Unfortunately, it’s a mystery that’s going to have to wait.”

  Daphne poked her head out the window and craned her neck for a better view. When she pulled herself back inside the car she looked panicked and nervous. She turned to Sabrina and mouthed the words, “What happened?”

  Sabrina shrugged, though her heart burned for the betrayal she was committing. Sabrina knew what was going on in her sister’s mind. Daphne believed the weapon was lost. Sabrina knew she should tell, and from the look on Puck’s face, he agreed, but she wasn’t sure how to explain. When Daphne reached up to touch the necklace, Sabrina could almost hear the remorse running through her sister’s mind.

  Uncle Jake finally parked the car and the family trudged up the steps toward the courtroom. Once inside, Daphne yanked on Sabrina’s sleeve and told Granny they would meet them inside in a moment. Granny agreed but told the children not to dillydally. Mr. Canis needed their support.

  “OK, I was wrong,” said Daphne as she leaned against a wall. The little girl looked like she needed it to prevent herself from collapsing. Her face was red and tears were swimming in her eyes. “We should have gotten the weapon while we could. Now, we’ll never get it. You saw the bank. It’s gone.”

  Sabrina nodded but said nothing.

  “I should have listened to you,” the little girl continued.

  “Yes, well, it’s too late for that,” Sabrina said. “You wanted to be in charge and—”

  Puck kicked her in the leg and gave her an angry look.

  “What are we going to do about the weapon?” Daphne cried. “What if we didn’t go get it ’cause I was being stubborn and it turns out we need it?”

  Puck glared at Sabrina. “I have a feeling it will turn up.”

  The courtroom door opened and Granny poked her head out. “Come along, lieblings. The trial is staring.”

  The courtroom was standing room only and curious citizens were spilling out into the hall. News of the trial had obviously spread, and Everafters from all over town had come to see what everyone was referring to as “the trial of every century.”

  Mayor Heart and Sheriff Nottingham gazed at the capacity crowd with delight. Sabrina overheard Heart suggesting that they should have sold tickets. Nottingham agreed and they both broke into laughter.

  Several of the family’s friends came over to offer their support. Gepetto had closed his toy store to come and be by the family’s side. Cinderella and her human husband, Tom, came over and offered to bring the family dinner, though Granny declined. Mr. Seven sat on a stack of phonebooks in the back row and even Briar Rose’s fairy godmothers wished the family well, while staring daggers at Uncle Jake. But most surprising was Snow White, who eased into their row and sat down next to Granny Relda. She said nothing, just took the old woman’s hand in her own and held it.

  “I’m sorry, Snow,” the old woman said.

  “I know you would never do anything to hurt me on purpose, Relda. I’m sorry, too,” Ms. White replied.

  Briar Rose joined the group. She sat down next to Uncle Jake and took his hand. Uncle Jake smiled. “You sure you want the whole town knowing you’re dating a Grimm?”

  Briar nodded and kissed him on the cheek. There was a light in the couple’s eyes and laughter in their voices. Sabrina had seen the same expressions on her parents’ faces every day that she could remember. The sleepy princess and her swashbuckling uncle were in love.

  Robin Hood and Little John entered the courtroom just as several card soldiers led Mr. Canis to his table. Robin patted him on the shoulder, then opened his briefcase. He rifled through some papers and watched Bluebeard out of the corner of his eye. Bluebeard stopped at the Grimms’ row and bent in close to smile at Ms. White.

  “Snow, someone should arrest you. It has to be a crime to be so beautiful,” he said.

  Snow gave a forced smile, but when the creepy man turned away, Sabrina caught her rolling her eyes in disgust. Sabrina looked over and spotted her little sister doing the same.

  “All rise!” the Three of Spades shouted. “The honorable Judge Hatter is now presiding.”

  Judge Hatter marched through a side door. He was carrying a sledgehammer on his shoulder and tripping over his long black robes. When he got to his seat, he set the sledgehammer down and looked around the courtroom.

  “Oh, you’re back. Well, I suppose we should start the trial,” he said. He picked up his sledgehammer and slammed it down on the desk, practically destroying it. “Mr. Bluebeard, do you have another witness?”

  “Indeed I do! The prosecution calls Howard Hatchett.”

  The double doors at the back of the room opened and a man in a flashy blue suit entered. He had a bushy red beard and a veiny nose. He was wearing a bright red ball cap with a logo advertising something called Hatchettland. He looked nervous, especially when he saw Mr. Canis. He even tried to run away several times, but two card soldiers stopped him and forced him into the witness stand.

  Hatchett sat down, but he never took his eyes off Canis. Even wh
en Bluebeard approached him and thanked him for taking the time to testify, Hatchett didn’t seem to hear him.

  “Mr. Hatchett, are you well?” Bluebeard asked.

  “I’m fine,” Hatchett said, shifting in his seat. “I have to admit I never thought I’d see this day.”

  “Mr. Hatchett, could you tell the jury who you are and how you are related to this case,” Bluebeard asked.

  Hatchett stammered. “My name is Howard Hatchett. Some people know me as the woodcutter or the hunter from the story of Red Riding Hood.”

  Sabrina watched Canis frown.

  “And you were there the day of the incident?”

  Hatchett nodded, keeping his eyes on Canis.

  “What kind of work are you in, Mr. Hatchett?”

  “Well, I . . . I used to be a woodcutter. I cut down trees and sold the lumber to mills. I started out working for a man but then I saw an opportunity and went into business for myself.” Hatchett sat quietly, watching Canis. After a few minutes, his expression changed from fear to confusion, and he continued. “Then one day I thought to myself, ‘Hey! I’m one of literature’s greatest heroes.’”

  “What did he say?” Daphne whispered.

  “He’s bragging,” Puck replied.

  “I saved Little Red Riding Hood’s life. I’m an idol to millions. I faced the Big Bad Wolf and lived to tell about it. I’m famous and beloved. So I started a company to provide products to people who want to be more like me.”

  “Please explain.”

  “People want to feel like they know me. I’m their hero, after all. Well, I can’t go out and meet everyone, so the best I can do is sell them things with my face and name on them. For instance, my company sells Woodcutter Three-Bean Chili, Woodcutter Toilet Cakes, Woodcutter Beef Jerky, Woodcutter Steel-Belted Radial Tires, Woodcutter Diaper Rash Powder—the list goes on and on. I also operate an amusement park, and of course, the Howard Hatchett Historical Museum located right here in Ferryport Landing. I’m currently seeking investors for my latest venture—a chain of Woodcutter Home-Cooking Restaurants.”