Tales From the Hood

by Michael Buckley

  “How did you become this hero to millions?” the lawyer asked.

  Hatchett glanced at Canis one last time. Sabrina watched his confusion turn to confidence, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Well, it was sort of thrust on me. One day I was out in the forest and I heard a scream. I was just a regular working stiff back then, you know, just like everybody. I never thought of myself as a hero, but there are those who stand by and watch and a rare few who act. So, with nothing more than my wits and my ax, I raced off to help.”

  “What did you find?” Bluebeard said, sounding inspired.

  “I came upon a little house in the woods. Inside, there was this terrible shouting. I peered into the window and saw a monster attacking a child. Well, I suppose a normal person might have just run off, but I’m not normal. I knew people were in trouble. I knew I would fight to the death to save them.”

  “You say you saw a monster. Do you see that monster in the courtroom today?”

  Hatchett looked over at Canis, and for a moment, the man’s confidence dissolved. He pointed with a trembling hand at the old man. “It was him.”

  “Let the record show that Mr. Hatchett is referring to the accused,” Bluebeard said, then turned his attention back to Hatchett. “You mean the Wolf. Were you afraid?” Bluebeard continued.

  Hatchett shook his head. “When you’re a man like me, you go to a place where fear doesn’t follow. I look back on it now and I laugh. I should have been afraid.”

  “Oh, brother,” Puck said.

  The crowd turned to glare at him.

  “Please, could he be any more dramatic?”

  Judge Hatter slammed his desk with the sledgehammer, sending a portion of the wood to the floor. “Silence in the courtroom!”

  “What happened next?” Bluebeard continued.

  “I pounded on the door so hard it fell off its hinges. I’m a strong guy. I work out. I can bench about two-fifty, really. Then I rushed in with my ax raised. The Wolf had finished off the old woman—there was nothing I could do for her, but the little girl was still in danger. Now the monster knew he didn’t want to go head to head with me, so in desperation he turned and swallowed the little girl whole.”

  Mr. Canis shifted uncomfortably.

  “Good heavens!” Bluebeard cried. “What did you do?”

  “That’s a situation where instinct takes over. I swung my ax at the monster’s belly. It split from end to end and the child spilled out, perfectly healthy. The assault caused the Wolf to pass out, so I filled his belly full of rocks and sewed it shut with some thread I found in a cabinet. Then I carried the creature on my back to the river and tossed him in. The weight of the rocks caused him to sink to the bottom.”

  “Yet he lived,” Bluebeard said, gesturing at Canis.

  “He’s a tough customer,” Hatchett replied. “But I’m tougher.”

  “I appreciate your time,” Bluebeard replied as he took his seat. “I’m finished with this witness.”

  Hatchett barely noticed. He continued promoting himself. “I tell the whole story on my Web site, hatchettland.com. It’s a great place to buy my various products, including my twelve-inch action figure with kung-fu grip, my Woodcutter All-Protein Organic Cereal Bars, Woodcutter Toilet Paper, Woodcutter Nasal Spray, and the new six-patty Hatchett EZ-Grill. It seals in the juices and drains the fat for perfect burgers every time!”

  Robin Hood leaped to his feet. “I have some questions for you!” he shouted as he approached the man.

  “Order!” the judge cried, but Robin ignored him.

  “You claimed you saw a monster attack the women—can you be sure it was the Wolf?”

  “Order!”

  “How did you carry his huge body over your shoulder, filled with stones no less, and dump it in the river? How far away was this river? Did anyone see you do this?”

  “Order! Order! Order!” the judge shrieked.

  “I have the right to question witnesses, your honor!” the lawyer shouted.

  “Objection!” Bluebeard cried.

  Hatter slammed the heavy sledgehammer down on his desk, which split into two and collapsed. “Now look what you’ve made me do!”

  “This trial is a sham!” Little John shouted, as he leaped to his feet.

  “Guards, remove these men from my sight!” the judge demanded. A mob of card soldiers rushed forward and pulled Robin Hood and Little John from the courtroom, but they didn’t go peacefully. They fought and shouted that there was no justice in Ferryport Landing.

  When they were gone, Judge Hatter got to his feet. “We’ll see you all here tomorrow.” He left, and the crowd started filing out of the courtroom. Guards dragged Canis out of the courtroom and back to his cell.

  Granny rushed everyone outside, where they found Robin Hood and Little John crawling out of the gutter and dusting themselves off. Sabrina expected the men to be furious but they were both laughing.

  “It’s been a while since we got thrown out of a place, hasn’t it, old friend?” Robin said.

  Little John laughed. “McSorley threw us out of his pub last week, Robin.”

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot!” The men roared with laughter.

  “You two seem to be in a good mood,” Granny said.

  “Actually, we’re in a rotten mood,” Little John replied. “But it’s important to laugh from time to time. As for this court case, well, it’s a joke. They aren’t going to let Canis defend himself.”

  “Our approach now is to cause as much of a disturbance as possible,” Robin Hood said.

  “I’d like to help with that,” Puck offered.

  “You’ll get your chance soon enough, Trickster King,” Robin said.

  “What do you have in mind?” Uncle Jake asked.

  “Oh, that would be telling,” Robin said. “As for now, I think I’d like to take a visit to Mr. Hatchett’s amusement park. I have a feeling that he’s not telling the whole story.”

  “You think he was lying?” Daphne asked.

  “That scrawny little man couldn’t carry a sack of groceries on his back, let alone the Big Bad Wolf,” Little John replied. “If only we could let Canis out, I have a feeling he could get the man to confess a few things he’d rather keep secret.”

  “We don’t need the Wolf for that,” Daphne said. “Can we stop at home for a second before we go see Hatchett?”

  “Sure, liebling,” Granny said. “What do you have in mind?”

  Granny and Daphne rushed into the house. Sabrina waited in the car and watched the light flash on in Mirror’s room. They must have been picking up something in the Hall of Wonders. When they returned, they explained their plan to the rest of the group.

  Puck was ecstatic. “It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to pull a good prank,” the boy crowed.

  “You filled my pillow with horse manure four days ago,” Sabrina reminded him.

  “Four days is a long time,” he replied.

  Robin Hood and Little John pulled up outside the house and honked the horn.

  “That’s them,” Granny said. “Let’s go.”

  Uncle Jake backed the car out of the driveway, made sure the lawyers were right behind him, and then drove the family through the country roads of Ferryport Landing. Granny navigated with the help of a tattered map.

  “I didn’t know anything about an amusement park dedicated to the Red Riding Hood story,” Uncle Jake said.

  “Years ago Dr. Doolittle ran a petting zoo on the property, but it went bankrupt when the animals went on strike,” Granny said. “Apparently, Hatchett bought up the land. I have to wonder how much money he makes on the place. It’s out in the middle of nowhere, and, to be honest, I hadn’t heard a word about it until this morning.”

  “Well, we’re about to find out,” Uncle Jake said, pointing ahead. “There it is.”

  The amusement park looked more like a shrine to Hatchett than a place for a family to spend the day. A twenty-five-foot-tall statue of Hatchett himself
greeted everyone at the front entrance. To get into the parking lot, the cars had to drive between the statue’s legs. Uncle Jake pulled the car through just as it backfired and sent a cloud of black smoke upward, staining the statue’s pants. In the parking lot they found a dozen more statues of Hatchett, including one where he stood triumphantly over a cowering wolf.

  “This guy sure does love himself,” Little John said as he and Robin got out of their car.

  “He’s the idol of millions, remember?” Sabrina said sarcastically.

  “How do we get in?” Puck asked.

  Uncle Jake pointed to a path with a sign above it that read THIS WAY TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME!

  The group followed the path until they came to a gate with several turnstile entrances. To the right was a store. A sign above it read the big bad gift shop. Sabrina spotted movement through one of the store’s windows and led everyone inside. Her entrance triggered a mechanical wolf’s howl that came from a dusty speaker mounted above the door. A pimply faced teenager behind the counter put down his handheld video game and approached the group. When he reached them, Sabrina noticed he was wearing a hat with big wolf ears on it.

  “Welcome to Hatchettland,” he said in a well-rehearsed voice. “Are you here to visit the museum or just stopping by to stock up on all our popular Woodcutter-brand products like our gourmet Woodcutter Wasabi?”

  “Actually, we were hoping we could have a word with Mr. Hatchett himself,” Granny said.

  “He’s down at the house,” the teenager said.

  “The house?” Sabrina asked.

  “It’s at the end of the path. If you want to see him, you have to buy tickets.”

  Granny sighed but purchased enough tickets to get everyone into the park. Once past the turnstiles they saw a sign that read WHERE IT ALL HAPPENED. GRANNY’S HOUSE! They hurried down a dirt path surrounded by forest. As they walked, speakers attached to trees told the story of Little Red Riding Hood and how Hatchett’s bravery had saved her life and the lives of countless others. The speakers crackled loudly, giving Sabrina a major headache.

  At the end of the path there was a small wooden shack with a brick chimney. It looked rundown and drafty, with broken windows and vines growing up the walls to the roof. At odds with its appearance was the bright, blinking neon sign above its door that read GRANNY’S HOUSE.

  “What’s this?” Sabrina asked.

  Hatchett stepped through the front door. He looked startled to find the group waiting for him, but he quickly composed himself and gestured at the meager building.

  “This is the house,” Hatchett announced.

  “What house?”

  “The house. This is where it all happened. This is Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s house.”

  “You built a model of it?” Uncle Jake asked.

  “No, this is the actual house. I had it disassembled and shipped piece by piece to Ferryport Landing,” he said.

  “Whatever for?” Granny asked.

  “’Cause this is a bona fide, moneymaking tourist attraction. Do you know how many people know the story of Red Riding Hood? People read about it in every nation of the world and there are a lot of them that would pay a pretty penny to visit the actual place. Want to go inside?”

  Sabrina wasn’t sure. If the stories were true, then horrible things had happened inside the little shack. It gave her chills just thinking about it, but Hatchett wouldn’t take no for an answer. He opened the door and urged everyone to come inside.

  The house was one room with a dirt floor. There was a crude table and a chair in the corner and a small bed on the other side of the room. A dressing gown lay on a tattered quilt on the bed. The fireplace was ablaze and a cast-iron pot hung above the flames. Other than the fire, the room was dark, and the firelight created shadows that slithered along the walls. Sabrina was completely unnerved. She imagined she heard distant screams echoing around the room, until she realized the screams were real and coming from a speaker in the corner of the room.

  “Every time I come in here, it’s like I’m transported to that day,” Hatchett said.

  “Good to know,” Little John said. “’Cause we’ve got some questions about it.”

  “I’ve said all I’m going to say on this matter. If you want to know more, you can read my book. It’s called Facing the Fangs: One Man’s Journey into the Jaws of Death. It’s for sale in the gift shop. It got a starred review from Publishers Weekly.”

  “Congratulations,” Robin Hood said. “But we don’t have time to read your book. A man’s life is in jeopardy.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Hood.” Hatchett said. “I wish I could give you details, but the truth is it was a very long time ago. All that I really remember is that it changed me into the man I am today. When you become a hero, the little things just aren’t that important.”

  “I had a feeling you would say that,” Granny said. “Children, would you like to step outside and get some air?”

  Sabrina recognized the code the group had worked out beforehand. It was time to get down to business and Puck couldn’t have been more excited. He dragged the girls out of the shack and closed the door behind him.

  “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! This is going to be so much fun!” Puck shouted.

  Daphne took a long, thin wand from her purse. It had a shiny silver star at the end. “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt at all.”

  “Will it make me strong like the Wolf?”

  “Sorry,” Daphne said. “Fairy Godmother wands don’t work like that. You’ll just look like him; you won’t have any of his powers.”

  “Or his twisted desires, so don’t try and eat anyone,” Sabrina added.

  “You’re no fun,” Puck replied. “If only I could do this without a wand—boy, the trouble I could get into. I can shape shift into a wolf on my own, but old Big and Bad is his own breed; I’d never be able to do it justice. How long will this last?”

  “I’m giving you ten minutes,” Daphne said. “After that you’ll be back to your old self, so don’t goof off. We need to get him talking and fast.”

  “Lay it on me, sister,” Puck said.

  Daphne flicked the wand and smacked Puck on the head. The boy winced. “I thought you said this wouldn’t hurt!” But before he could complain any further, a change came over him. Hair sprouted from every pore. Fangs grew in his mouth. Talons popped out of his fingers and toes. He grew several feet and put on hundreds of pounds of muscle. Seconds later, his transformation was complete. He looked exactly like the Big Bad Wolf.

  “Did it work?” Puck asked as he peered down at himself.

  “You look just like him,” Sabrina said with a shudder. She was still handcuffed to Puck, and his new shape made her recoil in fear. She had to take several deep breaths to calm down.

  “All right, let’s go introduce you to Hatchett,” Daphne said as she put away the wand.

  Puck nodded. “Wait, let me roar. He’ll lose his mind if I roar.” Puck let out a long, goofy howl that sounded nothing like a wolf.

  “You might want to skip the howl,” Sabrina said.

  “Everyone’s a critic,” Puck complained.

  The children entered the little house. Instantly, Hatchett fell to the floor, scampered into a corner, and screamed like a baby.

  “Remember me?” Puck growled, pushing Hatchett down with his paws.

  “How did you get out of jail?” Granny cried, though her acting left a lot to be desired.

  “No jail can hold me. I’m the Big Bad Wolf. The only person meaner than me is Puck, the Trickster King,” Puck said. “That kid is mean. But I’m running a close second.”

  Sabrina kicked him in the leg. “Cool it, fairy boy.”

  “What do you want from me?” Hatchett cried.

  “Oh, I don’t know, a leg bone would be nice,” Puck said, attempting his goofy roar again.

  “Tobias!” Hatchett said. “Get ahold of yourself. Fight the monster, Tobias. It’s me, Howard!”

  “Who’s Tobi
as?” Little John asked.

  “You’re Tobias, Tobias Clay,” Hatchett jabbered to the Wolf. “You’re a woodcutter. You hired me to be your apprentice. You’re a good man. Please don’t eat me!”

  Puck looked to the family and even in his Wolf form he looked confused. Sabrina knew how he felt.

  “Maybe if you tell us the truth the Wolf will have some mercy,” Uncle Jake stammered, obviously trying to sustain the illusion.

  “The truth! Yes, I’ll tell the truth. Tobias and I were working in the forest collecting wood for the local mill. I had only been working for him for a few weeks, but I was already surpassing his skill.”

  Puck growled.

  “OK! You were about to fire me. I was goofing off, taking breaks, and making you do all the work. You had given me one last chance, but I didn’t care,” Hatchett said. “I hated cutting down trees.

  “We were working in one of the darker parts of the forest when we heard a scream. You wanted to go check it out but I told you to forget about it. The woods were dangerous. It could have been anything—bandits, witches, goblins. I told you we would be fools to investigate, but you wouldn’t listen. So we tramped through the forest until we came upon the house. There was a horrible storm directly above it. I was sure the house was going to blow away.”

  “So what did you do?” Daphne said. “And don’t lie. Our friend hasn’t had his lunch yet, you know.”

  Hatchett squealed and trembled, but he continued. “Tobias dragged me to the hut and we looked inside. There was the old woman, and one look at her was all I needed to know she was a witch.”

  “A witch?” Robin cried.

  “That can’t be!” Granny shouted.

  “It’s true! She was shouting and screaming and blowing into this little flute. Every time she did a wind broke out in the room, blowing everything this way and that. It was almost like she was standing in the middle of a tornado, but she was untouched. In fact, there was only one other thing in the room that wasn’t in danger—a rabid wolf inside a steel cage.