Only When I Sleep

by E V Lind

  Beth called his name but he kept going as if he hadn’t heard and let the door to her room close behind him. His leg was killing him. Actually, make that both legs. He leaned against the wall outside Beth’s room and wondered where the hell his mom had gotten to. Wherever it was, it had better be somewhere with coffee, he thought, letting his head fall back and allowing his eyes to close for just a moment. A pointy finger in his side brought him back to full awareness.

  “Falling asleep on the job?” his mom teased.

  The scent of hot coffee wafted past his nostrils and he opened his eyes.

  “That had better be for me,” he said, taking the disposable cup from her hand.

  He took a sip without waiting for her response. Fuck, it was foul. Truly hideous, but it was hot and liquid and worked to dispel the cold that had settled deep in his gut.

  “I’ll make you a decent cup when we get you home,” Mary-Ann said with a pat on his arm. “Shouldn’t you be sitting down somewhere?”

  He brushed aside her concern. “They’re going to release Beth now, aren’t they? I can sit in the car on the way home.”

  His mom tsked in annoyance but she was distracted by the doctor and the nurse coming out of Beth’s room.

  “Can we take her home now?” Mary-Ann asked hopefully.

  “Yes, Ms. Campbell’s discharge papers are all signed and she’s fit to go,” the nurse replied with a smile. “Perhaps you’d like to help her get dressed?”

  Ryan watched as his mom disappeared into the room again and closed the door firmly behind her. What next, he wondered. How long before Beth moved on? And why the hell did he care so much anyway.

  Steve met them at the entrance to the hospital with his wife’s SUV, assuring them all of a more comfortable ride than if he’d brought his own truck. Ryan’s mom prattled nonstop on the ride home. He let the sound wash over him.

  “There’s no need for you to rush off anywhere, Beth,” Mary-Ann stated firmly. “Now that you don’t have to keep looking over your shoulder anymore, you can take some time to really settle in and relax. Next month is Thanksgiving and then it’ll be Christmas before we know it. You should see the café when it’s all dressed up for the holidays.”

  Beth made a small sound, nothing that could be deemed to be agreement or dissent but his mom looked set to carry on regardless.

  “She might not want to stay,” he blurted.

  His mom shut up for a full minute. The atmosphere in the car grew thick and heavy as the silence spread.

  “Well, why not?” Mary-Ann persisted. “Beth, you have a job with me for as long as you want it and you have a roof over your head whether old grumpy here wants to give you one or whether you come and stay with me again. You just take your time, hon. And when the baby comes we’ll all be there to help you.”

  When the baby comes? She’d be long gone before then. She had some money, although who knew how much. Enough to make her risk her life to retrieve it, though. What the fuck was he so worried about anyway? He hadn’t wanted her here from the start. He should be rejoicing that she might be leaving any day now. But he wasn’t rejoicing. He felt as if he someone had carved a hole in his chest where his heart should be.

  *

  It was another week before the police and fire investigators finished interviewing Beth and Ryan and completed their work at the old house. In the end, the results were pretty much cut and dried and tied in with what Beth remembered of the night. Dan’s remains were formally identified and released to his wife, who apparently had no wish to have anything to do with them.

  Neither Beth nor Ryan had mentioned the figure they’d seen through the flames to anyone. Nor had they discussed it any further between themselves. In fact, Ryan had barely strung two sentences together around her since they’d arrived back from the hospital. They shared dinners but, for the rest, he stayed well out of her way. Any enquiries as to the state of his leg wound were met with monosyllabic answers and she’d given up asking him now.

  Being at the farm she had too much time to think and it was driving her around the bend. Before, she’d had a purpose—to stay out of Dan’s reach—and now the threat against her life was gone she felt as though she had lost direction. Ryan was back to his surly self. Barely offering her more than a word or two at mealtime.

  Beth’s frustration grew as Mary-Ann didn’t seem to be in a hurry to allow Beth to return to work. She needed to keep busy. Ryan wouldn’t let her help with the stock and there were only so many eggs she could retrieve from the hens each day. In the end, Beth just turned up at the café before opening one morning, donned her apron and nothing more was said. It was a relief to grab an order pad and a pen and head out to her tables.

  And, strangely, even though she was busy, she still had too much time to think. To really think about what she wanted for herself and her baby, and who she wanted to share that time with. The people of Riverbend, for all their gossip and their small-town ways, were becoming like family to her and every day she remained, she felt drawn closer and closer into their lives. When her shift ended, she drove the short distance to the care facility so she could visit with Aggie.

  “She’s alert today,” the nurse informed Beth as she waited to be taken through to the secure unit.

  She soon discovered that the nurse wasn’t kidding. Beth popped her head around the door to Aggie’s room and was greeted by a beautiful smile. Rare sunshine glowed through the window and cast a halo around Aggie’s white hair, rendering her almost angelic and for a second Beth caught a glimpse of the girl she must have been, with smooth skin and bright, clear eyes.

  “Beth! How lovely to see you, dear.”

  “Aggie, how are you today?” Beth hid her surprise that Aggie called her by her name. Every other visit Aggie had thought she was Lizzie.

  “Lizzie is coming to get me,” Aggie said with a wistful smile. “I’ve been waiting so long. We’re going away together, you know.”

  Beth started to reply but a sound at the door distracted her. She looked up to see the nurse return and behind her came the chief of police, Frank Novak. Even though she had nothing to fear, Beth couldn’t help the instinctive flush of anxiety that rippled through her with the cop’s presence. She would have thought by now, with all the interviews she’d had since the fire, that her nervousness around the burly chief, who’d been nothing but kind to her, would have gone by now. It seemed some learned behaviors took longer than others to shed.

  “Sorry to disturb you ladies,” the chief said, lowering himself into a chair.

  “Little Frankie Novak, as if you could disturb me,” Aggie said dotingly.

  To Beth’s surprise the chief colored up like a shy schoolboy.

  “Been a while since anyone called me that, Miss MacDonald.” He cleared his throat. “I’m not here on a social call, I’m afraid. I have news for you about your daddy.”

  “He was under the shed, wasn’t he? I know Mamma put him there. I saw her do it—hit him on the head. I wasn’t supposed to be out of my room, but I left my Lizzie in the parlor. I wasn’t supposed to go in there either, but I had to find her before Mamma did.” Aggie clutched her rag doll to her chest. “Mamma would have given me such a whipping if she knew.”

  Aggie’s eyes clouded over for a moment but then they were bright and clear once more. “And my sister?” she’d asked. “Did you find her, too?”

  The chief looked from Beth to Aggie and back again. Beth nodded slightly. Aggie was clearer today than she’d been in all the times Beth had visited her and she deserved to know the truth.

  “We believe so,” Chief Novak said gently.

  He told Aggie about the remains found in the basement cellar beneath the kitchen floor of her old home and Aggie looked at Beth and nodded resolutely.

  “I knew she didn’t leave me like Mamma said she did.”

  “No, Aggie, she didn’t leave you,” Beth said, fighting back unexpected tears.

  “My Lizzie loved me. And she loved her baby, too. I told
you she was in the darkness. She’s out of there now, isn’t she?”

  “She is,” Beth said with a small tremor in her voice.

  “If you ladies don’t mind, I’ll be on my way. Miss MacDonald, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  Aggie seemed to sag with his words. “Loss. So much loss,” she whispered.

  Her grip on Beth’s hand loosened and she seemed to doze off. Beth rose and pressed a kiss to the old woman’s crepe-like cheek.

  “I’ll come and see you again tomorrow, Aggie. Okay?”

  “My Lizzie’s coming to get me,” Aggie said again, her voice now becoming more indistinct.

  “You tell her I said hi.” Beth said in return. “And thank you.”

  Aggie nodded then turned her head to stare out the window. Beth could see by her expression she was away in her mind again. The window of clarity now firmly closed against present truths.

  When Beth got outside the unit she saw the chief standing there, waiting for her. Ignoring the clench in her belly she walked toward him.

  “Was there something else?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I just wanted to let you know. Dan Henderson has been linked to two other murders between here and Portland.”

  Beth felt herself sag. “Two?”

  “Yeah, Colleen Davies, who I believe was known to you, and a sex worker in Ralston. Whatever really happened in the old MacDonald house that night, it did the world a favor. He was a nasty piece of work.”

  Beth couldn’t have agreed more.

  *

  The next morning when she arrived at the café Mary-Ann drew her over to one of the tables and sat her down.

  “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, hon. Aggie passed on last night. It was very peaceful, they tell me. After your visit she slipped into a coma and breathed her last at midnight.”

  Beth felt the loss like a punch to the chest. It was stupid, she told herself. She barely knew the old lady, but it hurt just the same. Mary-Ann folded her into loving arms and hugged her close.

  “We gave her peace, Beth. I reckon she’d been holding on these past few years waiting for someone to find out the truth about what her mamma had really been like. And now we all know.”

  Beth nodded and pulled away. “I’m glad I got to know her, even if it was just a little. She told me Lizzie was coming to see her, that they were going away. I thought she was just rambling but she was telling me the truth, wasn’t she?”

  Mary-Ann smiled and took a deep breath. “Have you thought any more about what you want to do, hon?”

  Beth shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s not as if I have anywhere I belong.”

  “That’s rubbish. You know you belong here. I don’t believe you just happened here by chance. Everything in life happens for a reason. We don’t always know what it is at the time but eventually we find out, if we’re open to it. You were meant to be on that road the day Ryan and I found you. I believe it as strongly as I believe that my son is a stupid fool who can’t see what’s at the tip of his nose for looking at it.”

  Beth looked askance at the sudden change of subject. “Wh-what did you say?”

  Mary-Ann just gave her arm a pat. “Never mind, hon. Hopefully he’ll come to his senses. In the meantime, I offered to make the arrangements for Aggie’s funeral. I understand from Frank that the examiner’s office has released the other bodies so I thought we could do something to remember them all. Would you like to help me?”

  Beth wiped away her tears. “Yes, sure. I’d be honored.”

  “Do you want to take today off, Beth?”

  She thought about it for a second then shook her head again. “No, I’m okay. It’s sad she’s gone, but Aggie was trapped here. Left behind when the rest of her family had all gone. I’m relieved for her that she’s with Lizzie now.”

  A prickle of awareness ran down her neck and she turned to see Ryan come in through the main door to the café. He went and sat in Val’s section.

  “Stupid boy,” Mary-Ann muttered under her breath before flashing Beth a reassuring smile. “Is there anything else you need today?”

  Beth cast a glance over at Ryan. He was staring at her with his customary forbidding expression. She was the first to break the connection. She didn’t know what she’d done to piss him off but since the night of the fire it seemed that her very existence was a burr under his skin. The sooner she moved out, the better.

  “Actually, there is one thing. Would you mind if I move back in with you until I find my own place?”

  A tiny frown pulled between Mary-Ann’s brows. “You know you’re always welcome but are you certain that’s what you want?”

  Beth could see she wanted to ask more questions but somehow Mary-Ann managed to keep them reined in.

  “Yes, yes I am. I’ll bring my things over tonight, then maybe we can get to work planning the memorial service.”

  “Good idea. I’ll make sure your room is made up again.” Mary-Ann looked over at her son. “I’m not sure what’s crawled up his butt to make him so cranky. He wasn’t even this bad when he was discharged from the Army. Do you want me to talk to him?”

  “No, don’t. It’s okay. I’m sure he’ll be fine once I move out again. After all, there’s no reason for me to stay.”

  Beth got up and went to serve a couple who’d just come into her section. The words she’d said to Mary-Ann repeated in the back of her mind. No reason for her to stay. No reason. But, she realized, she’d hoped for one. Being honest with herself about her growing feelings for him came as a revelation. She wanted him to be more than the man who’d appointed himself her protector. But now that she no longer needed protecting, he clearly wasn’t interested.

  She could feel Ryan’s presence with every nerve in her body and it made her clumsy, spilling coffee onto the table, dropping an entire order. Despite that, no one yelled at her or struck her. The team in the café simply rallied around her and smoothed things over.

  When Ryan got up to leave she’d had enough of the censure that she felt rolling off him in waves. She dragged on every bit of strength she could muster and marched up to him before he got to the door.

  “By the way. Just to let you know, I’ll be clearing my stuff out of your place after my shift.”

  She spun on a heel and started to stalk off but a strong hand gripped her arm and spun her back to face him. Beth swallowed the instinctive surge of fear that threatened to billow like a toxic cloud through her mind and merely stared at his hand and then back at him. He let her go instantly and just as instantly the fear subsided.

  “What?” she demanded.

  “Nothing.”

  Next thing she knew she was staring at his back as he limped from the café. She remained rooted on the spot, wondering what on earth he’d been going to say before deciding that whatever it was it was probably better left unsaid. She’d had enough of worrying about someone else’s moods or being under their thumb. She rubbed the side of her belly where the baby moved inside. It was time for her to reclaim her life.

  FORTY-ONE

  He hated funerals. Ryan stamped his feet as the minister droned on. The day was crisp and cold, but clear, and despite the fact they were burying four members of one family, the atmosphere wasn’t as sad and somber as he’d expected. The memorial service in the church had been surprisingly well attended and now both Mr. MacDonald and Aggie were being laid to rest in a section of the graveyard that was well away from Beryl MacDonald. After that, Lizzie and her baby would be interred beside Ryan’s grandfather, Jonathon. It had been Ryan’s suggestion and his mom had heartily concurred that it was Lizzie’s rightful place.

  He just wished it was all over so he could get on with his life. And what the hell did that even mean, anymore, he wondered. The rhythm of the farm used to soothe him and, he guessed, in its way it still did. There was safety in the promise that each day would follow a certain path. Running a dairy herd promised three hundred and sixty-five days a year of steady work. But the farm had sti
ll managed to run perfectly while he was away and it would again if he upped and left now. It didn’t need him as much as he probably needed it.

  When the committals were over, the last of the mourners straggled from the graveyard leaving only Beth, Mary-Ann and him standing by Lizzie and her baby’s open grave. His mom looked from him to Beth and back again.

  “Right, well, I guess I’d better head to the café and make sure no one is creating a ruckus.”

  He looked at his mom and quirked an eyebrow. “A ruckus?”

  “You know what these wakes can be like,” she muttered before reaching up to pat him gently on the cheek. “Get it right, my boy.”

  He didn’t need to ask her what she meant. The next few minutes were arguably the most important of his entire life. He felt as though everyone, both living and dead, was waiting to see if he was going to fuck this up entirely or, maybe, just maybe, get it right. He had to trust his instincts. Believe in himself and in Beth and what they could have together.

  He wanted her. He couldn’t imagine a future without her. Didn’t want to. So, stop fucking around, he told himself. Stop standing here just damn thinking about it when you should be doing something about it!

  Ryan took a step toward Beth. She was wearing a new coat, he imagined she’d chucked out the last one she’d had. God alone knew it was cut, singed and stunk of smoke the last time he saw it—not to mention being bloodstained. A wave of nausea hit him remembering how close she’d come to dying that night. If he’d been only a few minutes later...

  Focus! He wondered if she carried her run money in the lining of this coat. It reminded him of how she’d been poised to go all along. He guessed he couldn’t blame her for that, but the idea of her leaving now made everything inside him want to protest.

  Beth chose that moment to turn around. She was pale, which immediately aroused his concern. Made him want to go all he-man and lift her into his arms and carry her away to where she’d always be safe. But even he—especially he—couldn’t guarantee that, even if she’d let him.